Comments Made During the Contest

Alan Webb Munoz (Level 3)

I like the idea of the story, however the ending seemed a bit rushed. It could be that because of the one page limitation that you removed some description that would make a little more sense. For example: "He lets go of the cutting as he tries to grab it back from the winds grasp". Shouldn't this be two separate actions? The way it's written makes it sound like he is letting go and grabbing at the same time.

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

This has the potential to be a very good short screenplay, but it's lacking some essential elements.

Always use a scene heading. Your first one can read:

FLASHBACK - EXT. PARK - NIGHT

(Underline the word FLASHBACK) I'm assuming it's a flashback based on the information after it. I could be wrong, though.

After you end the flashback, you can use another scene heading without the word flashback. It will let the reader follow it better. It may be more surprising at the end to the reader without the FLASHBACK written, but remember, if this was filmed, the audience would not see the script, and they would be surprised.

Also, what does "a hand points to four a-m" mean?

But like I said in my first line, this has great potential. It was a very good idea.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Nice, really nice. The main problem in your story is the originality. How many story is about people in love with dead people thinking they are alive. I have to agree your vision to this kind of plot is unique but you could go further with it and give it a nice a twist like they both were dead. I don't know if this gonna work but try anything to escape from the cursed circle of unoriginal-plots.

Good luck

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

There are just a few odd expressions here that need clarifying. For example, the leaves rustle, signaling a drop in temperature. I'm not sure that needs to be said. If Phil shivers, we know it's cold. Blood drips from his nose, breaking the silence...this means that the blood dripping is very loud, which isn't quite what I think you mean. The photo caption isn't what you might typically see in a newspaper, and so it read a little false.

Keep writing!

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

You should never date a script.

I thought this was good. Phil's first line was a little weird, but then I realized he might be seeing himself as a Humphrey Bogart type character... maybe?

The descriptions were very good. This does feel like a movie, albiet, an unfinished one. I'd like to see more of these characters.

I don't really have anything negative to say. I don't know how this could be excellent. It needs a little something more to push it over that threshhold.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Even in a one pager you need a slugline/scene heading. Best way to learn to write scripts is to read them, especially here at MoviePoet. You have the makings of a good story, but this isn't a sceenplay, just a bunch of nice sentences in a weird format.

Bonnie Maffei (Level 1)

Your script has no slug line... "EXT. PARK - NIGHT", for instance. Your character is an addict who kisses a ghost or a dead girl and then is sad. It didn't quite grab me.

Brad Viar (Level 2)

A little confusing. Maybe more could have been devoted to the story and less on how it's cold outside. It is written well but I'm not sure it works in one page.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Good writing and pace. Marie needs more description than an age. The story itself was alright but a little cliche. The imagined memory of a deceased lover is something we've seen countless times before. The fact that he was on heoin instead of just dreaming was a bonus, but the story still felt very familiar. Overall, a good effort. Nice work.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

I understood your writing. Got the dialogue and descriptions...but really, what just happened?

Was this person a figment of his imagination? Did she die? I guess he's alone now...or has he been alone for awhile?

I could be very slow but for me this wasn't very clear. Good imagery however.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This has quite a few grammatical mistakes which distract the reader, but the story is kind of moving, and aside from the mistakes, it's well-written.

The script should really start with a slugline to tell us whether the shot is exterior or interior, where it is, and whether it takes place at day or at night. In this case, you probably want something like "EXT. PARK - NIGHT".

"PHIL (23) smartly dressed," should be "PHIL (23), smartly dressed,"

"Their branches sweep down blocking out the moon's reflection" should be "Their branches sweep down, blocking out the moon's reflection".

"signaling" should be "signalling"

The sentence "Phil recoils to turn up his coat collar and stops the air crawl over his neck as his hair stands on end." needs to be rephrased. You could say something like "Phil recoils as his hair stands on end. He turns up his coat collar to stop the air crawling over his neck."

"Phil's eyes cast over Marie's lips, beckoning Phil closer." should be something like "Phil casts his eyes over Marie's lips, which beckon him closer." or "Phil casts his eyes over Marie's lips. They beckon him closer."

"Phil's looks over his shoulder" should be "Phil looks over his shoulder".

"He's all alone except a needle, a spoon, and a lighter that occupies the seat next to him" should be "He's all alone except for a needle, a spoon, and a lighter which occupy the seat next to him".

"Phil dressed in ripped jeans," should be "Phil, dressed in ripped jeans,"

"four a-m." should be "four a.m." Also, why does it say "a hand points to"? If it's an analogue watch (one with hands) then the hands would point to four o'clock, and we would know from the context that it's night, and if it's a digital watch, which would show a.m. and p.m., then it wouldn't have hands. Or maybe it's one which is both digital and analogue. In any case, this needs to be made clearer.

"He reaches for a newspaper cutting from his inside his back pocket" should be something like "He reaches for a newspaper cutting from inside his back pocket" or "He reaches for a newspaper cutting from his wallet in his back pocket". I don't know what exactly the writer had in mind, but either of these would work.

"from the winds grasp" should be "from the wind's grasp"

"he buries his head into his hands" should be "he buries his head in his hands"

The writer has potential, but could get the story across to the reader better by focussing on their grammar. Getting someone who is very good at English grammar to proof-read their scripts would be a good way of helping with this.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

"stops the air crawl over his neck as his hair stands on end" - good luck with showing this on screen! It's important to stick to things we will SEE. not what's in your imagination.

"Blood drips from his nose, breaking the silence." - a great deal of blood dripping on to metal or something if it's going to make enough noise to break a silence!

You've done well here to tell a story, but be careful of cliche images like 'lone tears rolling down his cheek' They tend to make it cheesy more than anything else.

I think this has potential, but would be considerably improved if the earlier imagined scenes with Marie were more...surreal or nightmareish or dreamlike. They had little impact as written.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

You get an A for story, thought this was very clever and funny and very imaginative.
I do think you could do a bit of work on your craft, however.
Your descriptions go on forever giving needless information. How to you show the following on the screen: "He wonders how he got here." "His thoughts become fleeting" "He cannot remember the last time he had any water." This could all be cut down with sharp, criptic lines.

How do we know it's his desk that he ends up at? Perhaps have a photo of him and his wife taped to the cubicle?

Your score goes way up for story, a bit sharper on the writing and you have a real winner here. Nice job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

First, I'm sure others will mention this, but you are missing the slug line at the start of the script.

This is a lot of story for a one page script. I like the idea of the imagined woman, but the cutting feels like forced exposition. I would try to find another way to get that information across. Also, a small thing, but it's kind of an odd use of the word "recoils".

I think this story might work better if you had a few more pages to work with.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I'm on the fence with this one for a couple of reasons. First off, the story seems forced and unreal. Second, the story doesn't seem complete, there were a lot of holes and missing information that was left out. Who is MARIE, and what is her relationship to PHIL? The story starts off okay, but by the middle of the page, it seems to fall apart. Another question that I had is, why does PHIL get a bloody nose? Is there any signifigance to this?

On a smaller note, there are several spelling and grammar errors throughout the script. Not a big deal, but still worth noting.

David Birch (Level 5)

i've seen the needle and the damage done...a little part of it in everyone...but every junkie's like a setting sun...even at 4 a.m....thanks for not formatting the opening as a flashback..excellent...two thumbs up...way up...peace..

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I found some of the text to be somewhat convoluted and confusing. Some of the language and grammar too seemed odd.

I know there is a story within the script and think it just might be quite interesting. However, I’m not sure the craft of the script is up to the quality level of the story.

Another editing of the script would help.

And little things that I have issues with detract from the story. For example, “leaves rustle, signaling a drop in temperature.” These kinds of phrases leave me cold (no play on words intended). Leaves can rustle, then the character Phil says “I’m starting to get the shivers.” In the script, then, I don’t need nor want to read about the leaves signaling. It’s an unnecessary and distracting phrase as far as I am concerned. Keep the words in the script precise, crisp and informative. Dropping two or three words may not seem like much of a change but it is exactly this kind of editing that will make your script soar.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Obviously, to me we have a guy that is so hurt by the loss that he has turned to heroin.

I am not sure why he is smartly dressed and then later in ripped jeans. Maybe that part is unneccesary - was that important? Also, does a bloody nose make noise - breaking silence?

I really liked what you tried to say here, but the execution just missed the mark. Although I think with work, you could have gotten it perfect.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Another great job. I am really impressed with the high level of one-page scripts. Keep writing.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

This like many scripts this month feels like a snap shot rather than a full script. There are too many questions and we don't get to know the characters enough to care about them. The reveal of Marie's death was predicatable once you revealed he was on drugs and she was not there. The fact that we only find out she "died aged 22" leaves us wondering how she died. With such little information the situation would be the same had she just left him. Now had she died in car crash with him at the wheel, had she over dosed, had she died child birth we would have a much deeper understanding of both characters and where they were in their life when this death happened. With only a page you need to get those details in.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

A solid story, and I enjoyed how much story was packed into one page. I liked the details of story and the description of the situation. I felt the newspaper could have named a cause of death perhaps to give us some insight to his sense of loss. Was it a drug overdose and he's guilty, or was it a drunk driver and he's trying to kill the pain of a loss he couldn't prevent. Bottom line, I enjoyed it and look forward to more.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

You have some interesting elements here, but the story is static. Phil sits the entire time, and doesn't do anything.
The elements that are promising are the atmosphere at the beginning, and the transition from the happy Phil to the sad Phil.
I would put more life into Phil- some distinctive reaction, personality, etc.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This was missing a slugline. This was just depressing and I didn't really get it. I liked how the story was told very visually, though the text on the clipping was too expository. My favorite detail was Phil's attire echoing his interior state.

John Brooke (Level 5)

You paint a powerful contrast between your sweet depiction of two young lovers on a park-bench and a neatly performed trick in time (TRANSITION is missing) to an overwhelming desolate, bleak, dismal, empty, unhappy, lonely, bereft, depressed, bare utterly wretched, miserable, blue, cut up, single loser.

You show me a clipping and the tag line under a photo states ‘MARIE, died aged 22. What in essence does the article say about her? How did she die. Did Phil murder her?

A desolate ending to a desolate film indeed!

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Interesting and powerful. You need to tidy a few things up though:
-When you write “Phil’s looks over his shoulder”, I think you need to write “Marie’s gone. Phil’s looks over his shoulder.” As soon as he opens his eyes Phil would notice Marie’s not there.
-“a hand points to four a-m.”... you forget to mention that he’s looking at his watch :)

Jose Batista (Level 5)

The loss of a loved one and the crazy things that depression causes one to do are definitely not a joke. You displayed this well in Phil’s behavior at the end. The hallucination at the beginning was well offset by the haunting surroundings and cold weather. I sort of imagined there was something not right when a couple was out kissing in the cold. Good twist and the newspaper clipping was certainly a good way to reveal, but I feel that you could have done better than a newspaper clipping; Perhaps a Funeral Tribute Card which would’ve had Marie’s picture. I feel the newspaper thing is getting too old. Great job overall…I give this one a Very Good.

Kathy Thomas (Level 3)

I liked the premise of the script but it didn't read like a script. The only thing to tell me that it was a script was the fact that there was indents when the characters spoke. Where was the scene headings? I know that you probably took them away to give you more space on the page but it makes it look unprofessional.

Kirk White (Level 5)

not bad...I guess I understand what's going on...his life is ruined by her death. Still nothing really earth shatteringly moving in this...it's something I've seen before.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

You'll hear this elsewhere: you absolutely have to have a slugline at the top of the page.

I'm told I use too many poetics in my action lines. I'll send that advice along to you. "Haunting oak trees", I just can't visualize that. "The leaves rustle in the breeze, signaling a drop in temperature." Is that what it signals? Sometimes a warm breeze in the summer feels nice but doesn't cool anything.

"a hand points to four a-m". Do you mean he's wearing a watch? Took me too long to figure this one out, pulled me right out of the story.

Terribly sad, but I'm not sure why. Was he an addict before? Did she die tragically or was it expected?

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Interesting, more original than many I've read this month, AND a complete story.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

You need to start out with a scene heading. Actually, as I finish reading I see that you don't have any scene headings at all. The only things you describe are the moon, some trees and a puddle. We need to know where and when we are, even if it's in a dream.

I can't tell whether you left them out to fit your story to one page or you don't know proper formatting, but it's not good either way.

This needs a rewrite. It could be a very poignant story with some work.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

Out of all the scripts so far (this the 21st one), I feel that this is a beginning, middle, & end story. It really is finished, but if you wanted to it could be stretched a little more to give an idea of how his beloved Maria died.
Overall, I felt this is a good read.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I like the transformation from dream to reality. This was a good idea for a one pager but there a couple of things that need fixing. How do we know he has a pain shooting down his arm? You're telling us that instead of showing. And the newspaper cut out was odd. I don't think an obituary or an article about someone dying would just say "MARIE, died age 22".

I'd listen to the other critiques and rewrite this. It's definately got potential. Good job.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I'm wondering how the transition between the points in time will be realized. Maybe with a close-up between wardrobes? I was also wondering what the significance of the needle, spoon and lighter next to Phil are. My money's on drugs.

"pulls back a sleeve, a hand points to four a-m"

I would break this up into two sentences. E.g.:

"pulls back a sleeve.
"INSERT. A hand points to four A.M."

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

A couple of points I'm sure a few people will call you on:

- No slugline. Where are we? Maybe you're trying to save space but I can see other places where your action descriptions can be cut down.

- You have some subject/verb confusion: "Phil’s eyes cast over Marie’s lips, beckoning Phil closer." - this reads as though Phil's eyes are beckoning Phil closer.

- How does blood dripping break the silence?

This is a pretty good story with some nice imagery but somehow it didn't move me.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Thank you for offering a story instead of only a situation. The audience/reader travels with Phil through his fantasy to reality and then sadness, but why is his sadness important to us? Why tell this story? Why should I care about Phil? It seems from this piece that English is not your native language, but you've done a marvelous job nonetheless. Please keep writing. Keep telling your stories and have people respond to them so that you can understand when you're achieving your story goals.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Lots of lost love this month but the first heroin addict I've come across. Very evocative and visual, a few odd moments/word choices:

'recoils'. ? this word is usually used to denote fear or horror perhaps pulls back would be better?

This whole line might be better as: 'Phil turns his coat collar up over his neck as his hair stands on end.'

You use Phil twice in one line - try somehitng like ..'Marie's lips, beckoning him closer'...'He closes his eyes and edges nearer.'

typo: phil'S looks over his shoulder. (should be just Phil)

'needle, spoon and lighter ON the seat next to him' the line as is feels a bit clunky.

Maybe mention a watch before the hand at 4 am

'A pain shoots down his arm' this can't be filmed - show him grabbing his arm in pain or something.

I liked this very much, really enjoyed the imaginative visuals from his hallucination to the reality. You write well but need to watch your grammar and typo's. Well done.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

I've read the first paragraph and already have sentence structure comments. first, it's very confusing and feels like it has a misplaced modifier. at first, I thought Phil kisses Marie on the park bench (compared to kissing her on the lips). then, you wrote "their branches"; this pronoun is very close to describing Phil and Marie. I had to work hard to not picture them with branches.
"leaves rustle in the breeze, signaling a drop in temperature." find a better way to show how the temperature is dropping. the audience will see the leaves rustle, but how will they know the meaning of it?
Phil's eyes beckon Phil closer. another misplaced modifier, possibly.
Phil's looks over his shoulder. missing word? or, extra letters?
I see a typo in the sentence, "he reaches for a newspaper cutting from his inside his back pocket." I assume, you mean "he reaches for a newspaper clipping from his back pocket."
overall, you need some fresh eyes to proofread for you. second, they could identify elements that don't quite work. to me, it's clear you have a vision of a movie in your head. unfortunately, that vision didn't quite make the page. it also seems like you cut out too much of the vision to fit the one-page requirement.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

I know I'm not the only one to say it, but you need an opening scene heading.

So the first part is a drug-induced dream? Okay, but what killed the girl? Did he? Is that what turned him to drugs? Or did the drugs lead to her death? This is all very important in regards to character. Not only do I want to know, I need to know to understand the motivations behind him doing the drugs.

Patrick T. Lo (Level 0)

The photo reveal is too expositional. It doesn't seem realistic that he would have a newspaper clipping, rather than a personal photograph from their past.

The descriptions are done well.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This suffers from what a lot of the other entries this month do: too much story for a one-pager. You could never answer all the questions I have about Phil and Marie in a single page, maybe not even five pages.

There are a few minor instances of unfilmables: we really won't know what the temperature is, or physical pain that Phil feels, etc.

Good screenwriting, proper format, didn't detect any typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is tragic and you have done some chilling stuff with it. However it seems a little contrived and there is not really much to the story. As an example of contrived I think the newspaper cutting thing is an oddly convenient thing for him to have with him that explains the story.

"signaling a drop in temperature." - I see what your saying but its an odd description.

"I’m starting to get the shivers." - Being picky this line seems like him saying something that is also shown visually.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I'm not so sure I liked the transition from the two of them on the bench to Phil alone...

I felt it began well even if a little overwritten with descriptions like "the rustling leaves signaling a drop in temperature".

The it ends with him being a junkie. The reason that didn't really work for me I think is that there was nothing to suggest that he was a junkie type guy at all in the first half. I would probably have believed it more if he was drinking. Shooting up just seemed a bit drastic to me. At least too drastic a change for a one page script.

Raymond Belair (Level 3)

No scene heading. A lot of typos and/or grammar problems. Odd description, how does blood running from his nose break the silence? This one didn't work for me. I didn't feel a connection, or any sympathy for Phil. Good luck.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I felt that there were some real moments here. The opening was very surreal and sucked me in quickly. I found Phil's opening line to be a bit awkward. I can't imagine pulling back from a passionate kiss for the 'shivers.' Maybe a gust of wind or it starts to rain? Something more. The switch to Phil's desolate state was well-written and I enjoyed the twist. One caution. You indicate 'a pain shoots down his arm.' That's an interior feeling that an audience watching a film would not know. I also didn't understand why he let's go of the cutting only to try and grab it back. A heartfelt piece. Enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Very nice, and twisty.

Sad, yet motivated.

Robbie

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

You have omitted the slugs from the script to give you much needed space and is a slight advantage over someone who has used slugs.

Your dialog's adhere to the format rules and in all honesty the slugs are what separate a script from a novel or prose.

A line of description like, "A pain shoots down his arm." can't be conveyed on screen unless you actually show him clutching it and grimacing.

Your visuals are lovely but the fantasy and reality are actually two separate scenes, will be shot as such and therefore have to be formatted as such.

I tell you what. If with the format changes this will be two pages this are two great pages and great character driven moment in time. You portray his motivation, conflict and resolution beautifully.

Apt title. Do me a favor, please participate in future contests and add the slugs to this piece.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I'm a little confused by the story. What did Marie die of? What did Phil have to do with it? ... if anything. He starts off being a smartly dressed man, and ends up a junkie? How did that happen?

I think the story needs work, to answer a couple more questions. I'm sure once the one page 'less is more' rules are lifted, you could answer them, so that the reader is not confused.

Of course I could be the only one confused, and if so, I apologize.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

You have a good story here but I think you have too much going on for such a short amount of space. You have symbolism that you don't fully take advantage of. Overall, it feels like a longer story that you cut and cut and cut until you had taken too much away. I think if you go back and add some of what you cut back in you will have a much better story.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A tragic moment, for sure. But not a great story. A pathetic, drug-addled man hallucinates about his dead lover -- it's a sad thing, but it needs to bring the emotion to us. Why should we care? Is he a nice guy? Is he drowning his sorrows because he accidentally caused her death? Did they used to sit on this very park bench and shoot up together? There's not a lot of action in this screenplay, so its strength needs to be emotional. As it stands we recognize Phil's sadness, but we don't understand (or feel) his pain.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

I see the image you're trying to conjure up. And it works well, we've just gotta work on a few minor details in order for this puppy to shine. First, it's not a newspaper cuttings, but rather a clipping. Secondly, the title would say: Marie (Last Name) Dead at 22, rather than Marie died aged 22.

Also, you say a pain shoots down his arm. You'd have to show that, perhaps by his arm flexing, straining painfully. When you say a pain, you have to visualize what it is you're trying to say. Put that visualization onto the paper, rather than just telling us.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

There seems to be a lot of these feel good style stories out there now. Trouble I find with this story and most of the others is they are very much a cliche.

Man has a great life, loses his one love, and declines. What if man lost his love, and found a new love from outer space. Now there's a story.

Your story was alright and as it moved down the page it seemed to become more confused then clarified. I was confused by the shooting pain in his arm. What seemed like a heart attack ended with his head in his hands. What? Also, what was up with the bloody nose? You might be able to lose the drug angle all together and just end with the heart attack and bright light where the character finally meets Marie again.

For me it was just alright.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Ok, I forgive you missing off the FADE IN, but come on, where's your slug-line? That's cheating ;)

This was good though, the ending was overwritten a little but it would look quite haunting on screen.

I'd like to see this expanded. Maybe have Marie lead Phil off somewhere? His own suicide? Good job!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Awesome tale of self-medication and loss. Excellent set-up for the tragic end. Believable characters and snappy dialog. Could be a winner this.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

This kind of story doesn't quite make it for me, but I appreciate your work and effort.

I think that it is maily well done. Perhaps the descriptions are a little convoluted; but the issue I would take care of the most is the exposition of Marie's death. That, I think, reads underworked.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This was pretty good. I like a sad story and this was downright tragic.

Be careful with your descriptions. As Chris would say, less is more... and you need to ensure that everything is "filmable". Show, don't tell.

Example: The leaves rustle in the breeze, signaling a drop in temperature.

First part, fine. Second part, not filmable. You could easily have written:

The leave overhead rustle in the breeze. Phil looks up and shivers.

Not Shakespeare, but it gets the job done.

There were a couple of odd turns of phrase, like:

Phil recoils to turn up his coat collar and stops the air crawl over his
neck as his hair stands on end.

"Phil recoils to turn up his coat collar"? Weird phrasing. It could have been as simple as:

Phil flips up the collar of his jacket against the cold.

Work on that stuff and enter some more contests. I bet you have some good stuff rattling around in there.

Travis Carr (Level 1)

A good story, I liked the twist ending a lot. However, there are some formatting problems. First off, the scene needs a scene heading. It should start off with "INT. PARK - DAY" then say something about the two sitting on a bench. Ages should be written in commas, not parentheses, ie "Phil, 23, smartly dressed..." Also, the sentence down the page where he realized he's a junkie can use clarification. It should say, "He pulls back a sleeve. A hand on his watch points to four a.m." I know it's a one page contest, so maybe this had to be done, so I'm not taking off points. Also, just as a side note, the watch and the newspaper clip might be better as inserts. And the ending needs a Fade Out. But overall, it's very good.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

The way you word phrases and your grammar was somewhat difficult for me. "he lets go of the cutting as he tries to grab it back from the winds grasp." So did he let go of the cutting or is he trying to grab it? I thought you could add more to Phil and Marie's romance. The way it is now, it seems like just a generic relationship. There's nothing really unique or special about it. The twist at the end didn't have much of an impact to me because of that.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

"A photo dominates the article that accompanies it. The photo’s tag line reads-"
but what is the photo of? A car wreck? Plane crash? Drug overdose? Cancer? This is important because if Marie is dead and Phil is grieving, then I'd like to have a better understanding of Phil's pychosis; was she in love with him--did he kill her, etc.
You don't have an opening scene header and that slowed my vision of the setting. First, I didn't know where they were at, okay it's a park bench, oh wait, now it's night. A nice touch would also be to not have it begin with a parkbench at night, instead have it at a fancy location during the day, because you're changing Phil's clothes and vision of his Marie, but not the setting. I like the "shivers" line.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I thought the writing was solid. The images were very good, but the title gives too much of the conflict away. "There branches sweep down, blocking out the moon's reflections", was a wonderful image.

William Coleman (Level 5)

Each half of your script is well written. The descriptions are vivid and clear. They made me see what you described. The terse dialog was to the point, but I found the transition between the two halves did not go together in a smooth transition between memory and the present. I know what you intended, but I don't think you quite managed to execute your intentions. What went wrong? I think there needed to be foreshadowing in the firts half of what was to come and thhe reason it happened. I don't mean obvious spelled-out exposition, but subtle hints, a shadow of what seemed idyllic was needed. The result I feel was melodramatic rather than a logical extension of what eventually happened to this couple. We needed to see a touch of stress - perhaps her wanting to get back to their apartment for a fix, or both of them. I am not sure what would have worked, but I hope you look this over and see if there is a way you can fix it. You have talent and a strong subjet. Realize it.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

You have the foundation for a great story here.

One of the elements I didn't get is how the bloody nose relates to his heroin usage. The cold component works extremely well, but the bloody nose just doesn't seem to fit. Is there another device associated with heroin abuse you can use to your advantage with the transition? Once you nail that down, you'll be well on your way to a great tale.

More importantly, there are a lot of syntax and grammatical errors that distract from the story and make much of it confusing and difficult to read. Proofread aloud to "hear the errors".

William Dunbar (Level 5)

Your story is quite good for the one-page format. It tells you basically all you need to know, although it would be nice to know a little more if there were more space. You use extraneous words in a few places, like you should say "buries his head in his hands" (not "into"), and "from his back pocket" (not "from inside"). Generally, quite good.

Comments Made After the Contest

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4) ~ 1/1/2009 2:26 PM

Thanks to everyone that read my script.

I omitted the fade in/out like everyone and gambled on omitting the slug. I took another gamble this month like last month and again this didn't pay off.

I initially wrote a page and a half and tried to cut back and back. And removing the slug helped me to squeeze the story onto one page. I wish I reread my script for errors too.

At least I've improved on last month. And with my latest script I'll be aiming to be placed.

All the best.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4) ~ 9/18/2011 8:34 AM

I've just learnt that this script has been made. So even though I didn't get such a great response here, I'm glad someone thought it was good enough to be made.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4458197/

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 9/18/2011 10:43 AM

Congrats, man! Your own IMDB entry... pretty sweet.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 9/18/2011 10:47 AM

BTW I just read the script and I quite like it.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4) ~ 9/18/2011 5:13 PM

Cheers dude, much appreciated.