Comments Made During the Contest

Alan Webb Munoz (Level 3)

I'm not sure whether to be creeped out or to be thankful for the peeping tom guardian. But that's because your script does a good job in setting up that ethical dillema. And I really like the use of the word "lovely". It can imply both a harmless crush or an obsession.

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

I can't decide if Gregory is a sweet man or a creep. I'm totally getting mixed feelings about him, but I kind of like that. What did you have in mind when you wrote it? I could really see an actor playing both sides of it. I'm leaning toward creep based on the "sweaty fast food paper cup" line, but I could be wrong. He could just be a young man in love, who's a bit obsessive? Maybe...

Well, you have a very good story here as well as great descriptions. Your verb choices are excellent as well. Great verbs beat adjectives and adverbs any day in a screenplay.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

The story was good. But the problem is that there is nothing new. We've seen this plot before. In the progress of the story itself nothing new happen. We don't get surprised even once in this script. The fun we get while reading a story is the surprises we find.
The script was very clean despite the overusing of voice over.

Goood luck

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

I liked it, it felt longer than one page which is a great thing.

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

It was creepy without being creepy. He's more like a warped guardian angel than a stalker/peeping Tom. I love the dialogue and the atmosphere. This also feels like a movie.

Excellent job.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Your formatting looks a little smooshed together, but my eyes could be playing tricks on me.
I liked the story concept, but the voice over you have mostly tells us exactly what we just saw, which took me a while to figure he was looking at somebody else in a different house. Again voice over is tricky, it turns alot of readers off just by the sight of it, its just one of those things that practice is the only way to perfect it.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was creepy in the best kind of way. Very nice job here. Well written and paced, no typos, no problems I noted. Very nice work! I'd be interested in possibly filming this. Please contact me after the contest ends and let me know if that would be a possibility.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This is a strong script, with very effective tension between the main character being simultaneously both caring and creepy (which is also summed up in the title).

On the downside, it feels a little slow at the beginning, before we really know what is going on in the story.

Also, it's a little unsettling, with a main character who we can't completely root for, though I appreciate that this was probably the intention.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

"in the dark" - you've already told us he's in a dark bedroom and it's night. Be economical with your words.

Bushnell telescope - unnecessary detail. It makes no difference to the plot.

Why is it a VO when we are with him? I guess he's speaking to himself?

Aaargh! The silent tears fall from her face! I think this has been my pet peeve of this contest. I think it's a cheesy and an unnatural image. Better her expression alone can tell us her feelings.

I liked the spooky atmosphere you created but I felt the ending let it down a bit. We KNOW he's watching over her. I wanted to learn something ELSE.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Good job, in a very creepy sort of way.
The voice over is a bit much, why not just have him talking to himself - much creepier. It is also just a bit too much exposition, his comments could lead us to the same place without explaining the details which are not natural for him to do to himself.
Enjoyed this one, with a bit of polish this could be a winner.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Ooh, yes creepy and touching at the same time. This short showed a great deal of talent. One pagers are difficult at best and hard for every writer. I would hate to think that someone thought they could just write a one pager as their first script. :) Great Job!

Nitpicky Stuff
- Double space above the scene headings.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft is great and this pulled me right in.

The story was going great and I was really looking forward to the reveal, but then there was none. No twist. No climax. No real resolution.

You have so much potential here, but you need a stronger ending. Even if there isn't a twist, it needs some of moment to end on.

As it is now, it's very good, but it isn't very satisfying.

I hope that helps.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

That was a bit wierd... Well written, but the ending sort of left me hanging. It would have been nice to know a little more about Gregory's relationship to the woman he was watching. I thought this was well written, right up to the ending. Other than that, I thought this was pretty good.

David Birch (Level 5)

I love the imagery...i was wondering why she is referred to as Damaris but introduced in the story as WOMAN??? why not DAMARIS?? should we believe that that isn't her name? did gregory make up that name for her?? looks good, though...lots of stuff to work with solid effort...thanks...

David Dunn (Level 1)

The voyeur or stalker who believes he's doing good is now a common film stereotype. I would have liked to see an inversion or new element of surprise. However the vignettes and shots were well-constructed and -described.

Eddie Jamal (Level 1)

Ominous. Not really a whole story in one page, but I like the tone surrounding it. The imagery was well put. Good, good.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

An interesting take on a peeping tom!

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

You have a nice little story, although I am not sure how creeped out I am suppose to be by this. You have a guy watching her in the most private of moments, but at the same time watching over her. Are we suppose to support this peeping Tom? Also the i question the voice over, should be voice over or off camera. For some reason I didn't feel voice over fitted right. So apart from the mixed messages it was an enjoyable read and fairly self contained, it was just a little sad.

Howard Jenson (Level 2)

Nicely done, like a dark "Rear Window" The V.O was effective & eery. Loads of room for development here.

I would love to know what happened when Damaris got her black eye & what was the nature of Gregory's intervention.

GREGORY (V.O.)
It healed so well in just three days.
Tomorrow you won’t need the sunglasses.

Great lines here. Lets the reader know how long & how closely he has being monitoring her(not that the Blushnell Telescope isn't a give away You can almost feel the hope in his voice, wishing that she can take the next step & lose the glasses.

Ya I liked this, good job.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

This is my first voyeur script and so is unique to me. I think English isn't your first language, but feel you made a good go at it. Your story was quick & easy to read with a few grammatical errors. But aside from that, it was a good story. I liked it.

I did notice that your second page is actual your first page yet it has a page '2' number at the bottom right hand corner. You'll have to remove this.

A good story overall.

All the best.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

The story was satisfyingly creepy. It had a rear window and body double feel to it. You don't know whether to root for Greg or hope someone quickly calls the police on him. I guess its the mark of a good story that I wished there was more than one page to this story.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Wow. That's kind of creepy. I like the way you told this, as I read it I though he had hit her and then suddenly it clicked, the twist worked really well. Really strong situation with ambiguous characters instead of clear good and evil. Nice work.

John Brooke (Level 5)

El Creepy! Sinister subtle story spins out a voyeuristic film and does it all within the economy of one page.

The film opens with Gregory, adjusting a Bushnell Telescope. That brand of instrument with knobs for adjusting focus and trajectory is in my experience usually mounted on a rifle. Creepy indeed as he watches through “cross hairs” his unaware quarry.

Well that’s how I read it. Chilling! The title is innocently perfect.

John P. Dowgin (Level 3)

Interesting set up; I like the concept that the peeping tom may actually be the only reason she's still alive. I've always been drawn thematcially to the ironica;;y positive/negative consequences of what we consider negative/positive actions, respecitvely. As a screenplay it suffers from being primarily about past events referred to only in dialogue, rather than showing the main events that drive this story.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I liked how you presented Gregory as some kind of pervert before revealing that he may be obsessive, but at least he’s got a heart. If I was too nitpick, it felt like Gregory is a narrator, explaining all the back story.

Perhaps someday you could expand to a five page screenplay : start with Gregory acting like a pervert, then show Damaris being saved from an abusive husband by the police, before finally revealing Gregory isn’t a pervert.

Good stuff, I enjoyed it.

Kathy Thomas (Level 3)

This story was very Rear Window or a more recent example Disturbia. I liked the flow of the writing and your writing was very clear and precise. You obviously have a style of writing and it comes out in this story. So well done.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Good effort! You're an accomplished writer, I can tell.

You don't need to put your title in quotes. When referencing it in another medium, sure, but not on your very own title page.

I don't understand the VO technique in this script. Why is it necessary? The very first VO is by the character on-screen, said at the same moment. I think Gregory, as voyeuristic as he is, should just say the words and pretend he's actually talking to her (since his relationship with her is completely in his head anyway, as you so well point out). The VO is fine when the camera is focused on the Woman, but it feels too distant when Gregory is talking over himself.

"A look of determination..." This line isn't paid off. I can guess at what's about to happen, or shall we say, what she's going to do to herself, but without the payoff, Gregory's line loses its punch. If the idea is that he waited too long, and he'll never be able to watch over her again because of an imminent suicide, I get it. But I don't think the viewer will.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Creepy. Hero and nutty stalker all in the same person. I don't have enough on a page to get a sense of Gregory, but, "Had I not called the cops for you that day..." seems a little stiff and outdated.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Creepy good. After the first read I went back to pick up on what Gregory might look like. I wanted to check if the mental image I had of him was anything you'd hinted at in the beginning. I really like the fact that you wrote his character and not his looks. This guy could be anyone, and that intensifies the crawly skin feeling he gives me. I see him as fairly good looking and physically unimposing, by the way. Like Dahmer or Bundy.

One of my daughters found out that her landlady's nephew was coming into her apartment and going through her things while she was gone. He actually left her a note! Ish! Ish! Ish! That personal history made your story especially awful-good to me.

The formatting is good. The story is complete as written. The dialogue was a little stiff and formal but I felt you meant it to be. It adds to the ick factor. I wonder if you chose the name Damaris because it means calf - like a calf to slaughter - or if it's something you just like the sound of. Neat name regardless of why you used it. I think you have the basis of a feature film here.

Very good work.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

Nice. This story immediately reminded me of "Rear Window" with the guy watching his neighbor. Good pacing.
Concept: Good
Story: Fair
Characters: Fair
Dialogue: Good
Overall, I felt this is a good read.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was good. Loved how we were following her. Your writing is very good. Flowed so well. Cool idea for this one pager. Very good job!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like how you managed to turn the audience's opinion. I for one would have thought of Gregory as a pervert stalker, but he actually seems like quite the guardian angel.

I don't think that all of Gregory's dialogue needs to be voice over. It could work quite well to have him muttering to himself in front of the telescope, the way crazy people often do.

If the woman's name is Damaris, use that to refer to her, rather than "the Woman". It just makes it easier to think of her as a character, even if one observed from afar.

Otherwise good.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Very good. Not 100% original but it's a great concept all the same. The first transition was a little jarring. I thought we were in the same apartment and Gregory's wife had just arrived home. It took me a moment or two to realize we were looking through the telescope. You could probably make that clearer.

Other than that no complaints. Very well done.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

You did a good job in playing against the audience’s expectations. It seemed, at first, this guy was a psycho spying on a neighbor. Then it turns out, he was actually protecting her.

I like the concept. I wish you found a way to get the point across without using V.O. to make your protagonist “tell the plot” to the audience.

Good job, though.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

I like the concept here, but the voice-over device is weak. Gregory simply talks the story. The conflict is referenced and not live. I think your story would be far stronger if you played out the incident he referenced. Why do you show us the "afterward" instead of the scene itself?

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

A nice little snap shot of a much larger story. I think that the writing gets a little too detailed at times. For example: the viewer will not care what brand the telescope is. Also, it is not necessary to state which direction Greg 'rotates the scope' nor that it's by a few degrees.

Once we get into the story I like the fact that you make the audience glad that Greg is a peeping Tom. He's a pervert and a hero. Nice touch. Scrub it a bit more and you'll have nice script.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This is well written and formatted but it lacks something for me.

The characters don't come to life, you have no descriptions for them other than their age and greg's VO is pure exposition. I wonder if it might have been more interesting to show the cops ariving in time to stop her getting really hurt and arresting her partner and then cut to show Greg with his telescope?

It has a slow pace and a lot of action lines that don't move the story forward: 'flingng her purse down' 'to the left a few degrees'
both irrors, her getting into the athrobe and bun and silent determination, the sweaty drinks cup etc, these could all come out leaving you room to explore other ideas,- perhaps she knows Greg watches her and mouths a thank you to him....?

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

creepy tale with alot of suspense. I think you need to check your line spacings and type face. They seem a little off. Plus, the page number at the bottom of the page is the wrong typeface. And, I need to mention that it should be in the upper right-hand corner. This looks like it was written in Microsoft Word - which is fine; you need to change the typeface to Courier New, though. I suspect, but am not sure, that it's not set to that. Not much else for me to comment on. I could tell you put alot of thought into your sentence structures = they were the proper tense and active.

Patrick T. Lo (Level 0)

Beautiful script. It's poetic and both the description and voiceovers are well written. You used up the space of just one page without forcing too much into it.

No complaints from me (except that I wish Gregory were older... That's how I imagined him to be anyway). Excellent job!

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Oh, that was creepy...I love the moral ambiguity in the character of Gregory, who is more or less a sick stalker. But, he also helps Damaris when she got beat on, by a boyfriend, I surmise.

Try to slim down the overall look, though, give the page a more lean look. You don't have any narrative paragraphs past four lines, but entice the potential reader with a fast, fluid read.

This can first be accomplished by curtailing your descriptions. I do appreciate your attention to detail, but think about it, do we really need to know it's a "Brushnell" telescope, as a small example.

Instead of introducing Damaris as WOMAN, just state it's Damaris. Otherwise, your format is good. Didn't detect any typos.

Good job overall!

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The concept here is interesting although the general premise is one that is well used in many movies. The story doesn't seem to move on very much and the end in particular seemed quite static for me.

I'm not sure that all of your voice overs need to be voice overs. For a couple of them it seemed to me that we are looking at him so why can't we see him talk?

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Nice story and well written.

I personally would have liked it a little more if Gregory had been a stalker type and he had inflicted pain on her. I know that would turn it into something completely different, but it would give it a little more conflict or chill or something.

That's just me though. The story works as it is, just lacks that little something to kick it up a notch. IMHO.

Good luck with it. :-)

Raymond Belair (Level 3)

Well, that was creepy. You did a good job using clear descriptions that communicated crisp visuals. The voice of the actor playing Gregory is going to have a huge affect on whether or not he comes across as harmless, or as a dangerous psychotic.

The only mechanical note I have is that I don't believe telescope should be capitalized (just Bushnell). I might even go so far as to say you could just drop the brand name. If it has a significance (which I'm guessing it does), I don't know that many viewers are going to recognize it.

Good luck!

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Deliciously creepy. Gregory clearly has issues but we identify him right away and I liked that you didn't make the stereotypical voyeur of a stripping woman across the street. Nice twist. I love the middle line. The way Gregory almost seems involved in an intimate conversation/relationship with the woman. Well drawn dialogue. My only suggestion and it's a minor one -- I would not have Gregory's lines in voice-over whenever we're inside the dark bedroom. Even if we can't see him speak, he's talking in real time in the same room with the camera. Having a voice-over there could confuse some readers that the man we're watching is not Gregory. I'm not quite half-way through the scripts this month and this is my favorite thus far.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

clever unique little tale. Liked how the story revealed what happened in the past. You led me to believe something else was going to happen with his spying, and it turned out that something good happened because of it. Well written. Good job.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This is a character reveal, pure and simple and the plot is implied through the dialogs and backstory.

But right now we have a static sequence that shows no conflict or tension and is purely an act on his part.

The end just fizzles out. Perhaps the resolution lies in the audience finding out that he's not purely a voyeur but also a guardian.

But I don't really buy into that with conviction.

I think it'd work much better if he saw her being beaten and called the cops. That shift from voyeur to savior would have been interesting to see.

Reminds me of "Rear Window" or perhaps "Disturbia"

The premise has to be more original as you are working on a very short time frame to execute the plot.

Didn't quite hit the bulls-eye. Expand it.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Very good, tightly written script. I think this one will do very well this month.
What I enjoyed was the sense of tension. At first I thought he was a voyeur, then I thought he was the one who had beaten her up, then he became just even more creepy.

Good storytelling, great visuals and a really solid one page script.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Nicely done. It's a good story and a fun read. It would be a good super-short film. A couple things -- when the action is being viewed through the telescope, there should some indication of that. It took me a while to figure that out. (I thought she was his wife/girlfriend coming into his apartment.) Why a Bushnell telescope? Why not a Meade or a Celestron? (Product placement?)

Shaheryar Ahmed (Level 3)

I really liked this one. It had a feel of Hitchcock in it and I love Hitchcock! That is a ccompliment now. What i loved about the script is the characters. I really liked the character of Gregory and his flair for voyerism. I liked the use of the voiceovers and they way you used them to tell the story. The title goes with the concept and the script pretty well.

I also loved the premise. I can actually see this as a film. Wonderful. Really dark and gritty. You cant say that Gregory is a good guy. He does seem to be a grey guy. Wonderful! Really loved this one!

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Very good, well written story. I thought at first that he was the one that provided the bruises and that this was a poor rip off of Rear Window. I was mistaken. A taut, tight and compact script that explodes with suspense. I would have rated this Excellent had you just done a little more with the dialogue. The ending "I'll always watch over you" just felt a little too minimalistic. A little too contrived. You can do better than that, I can tell by reading the script that you can do better than that. So do it!

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Hmmm. Sounds similar to Disturbia. I found it a bit on the cliche side.

Your writing was good. The only things I would offer up for improvement might be to more original. The girl might have turned out to be a BBW instead of "A WOMAN (23) wearing sunglasses and business attire enters the room and flings her purse on the sofa." Give her some three diminsional characteristics. If we found out she was not the perfect specimen of a woman that might offer insight into the disturbing behavior of spying on others in their home. The other thing I have is this. Seems that the Gregory does a lot of watching through his telescope. I think your scenes should include GREGORY'S P.O.V.

With a few minor adjustments and new character flaws this would be an excellent short script. In my opinion, it is just alright for me as it stands.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was alright. It felt more of a scene from a longer script than a complete story in itself. Difficult to do with one page, but I don't think you quite pulled it off.

There's really no resolution to this, I think that's where I have a problem. We're in the same situation at the end of the script as we were at the start.

The idea of Gregory saving her from an abusive bf/husband is a good one though - maybe, you'd have been better off showing us that night?

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Creepy and effective. At first I thought the stalker might have been the assailant. Very Good job on telling a complete story on one page.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

The story in itself is not bad. I just have a problem with the fact that it all rests on the V.O. If you remove it from the script, you have not shown us anything.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Although it's micromanaged to beat the band (too much description), I like this.

Don't get me wrong, you write description exceedingly well... there's just so darned much of it. I think you could have eeked out more story with less description and more dialogue.

Very Good.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

Fun story,

solid dialog and formating

more was revealed as the story evolved, cool

Solid one pager!

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Pretty creepy. I like how you add in the fact that Gregory helped the woman, even if he was doing something disgustingly wrong. This was a very good script, good job.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Seems like this would fit nicely within' a full script rather than something that would hold water by itself. The character doesn't offer much besides a slight creepiness, and I really want to know the catalyst behind what he's doing. Is he her brother, a former lover, just a creepy guy, wheelchair bound? A resolution isn't always necessary and can sometimes improve a script, but for this piece it's TOO vague. The writing itself is spot-on--didn't lose my interest one bit. The dialogue works. The descriptives flow at a great pace. I would love to read a five page version of this.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I like scripts that put in a position where I emphasize for a character who goes against society's norm and also my own values. To have a voyeur, because he is one, be necessary to an unwitting woman who might not be alive without his spying on her to me is an exciting comcept. The French do this sort of thing extremely well in comedies and dramas. In "Cousin Cousine" you root for two people to be unfaithful to their spouses. Don't bother with the American remake.

Your writing has a clarity in your descriptions and dialog. The descriptions make me see the scene, your dialog sounds in my ear. If I were a directing, I'd be hunting for the voice you make me hear. You structure your piece simple, You tell your story and it moves deftly. The last line is a capper. Gregory is a necessary component in Damaris' (what an unusual name) life. And she doesn't know that he is. That is the final irony. This is a civilized and adult piece of writing. Congratulations!

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Creepy, but the ending seems too trite, on-the-nose and melodramatic with Gregory's stilted and unnatural dialogue. It would have been better if the voice over was tighter and if it ended with us knowing that the peeping tom freak was actually the big hero that saved the day - without the aforementioned commentary. This would leave us fighting the notion in our minds that a creepy criminal could be a savior - and messing with people's heads is what makes good stories work. (Plus, we already know Greg is continuing to watch over Damaris and we don't need to hear him say it.)

A killer rewrite will make this powerful and dynamic for certain.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This seems like a good start, but we really, really need to know what happened to her. Even just a hint would help a lot. The writing is fine, and the idea is (probably) good, but this one needs a little more.

William Flink (Level 3)

"she wraps her arms around herself" while she cries, that motion feels weird and a bit unnatural, I think.

the ending feels a little bit abrupt, not much feel of closure. If I should interpretate the material other than what was said I'd say Gregory did that to her, but I see nothing on the page to imply that, other than the fact that Gregory is spying on her.

The paragraphs were written well, the title was good, very good V.O. and Gregory had a very interesting voice.

Zhibo Lai (Level 1)

Nicely done, a beg-mid-end in 1 page. Good writing style and description.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 1/1/2009 8:38 AM

I liked this a lot and I hope you take the time to rewrite it.

Austin Bennett (Level 4) ~ 1/1/2009 1:27 PM

I thought this would've placed! Way to go, Jose!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2009 5:15 PM

This was the only excellent I gave out all month. Great script Jose.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2009 9:03 PM

Hey Jose, I really liked this. Moral ambiguity is one of my favorite themes to read and write about because it really rings true with most people in my opinion. It's captured here in an unsettling, creepy way.

Every month your writing is improving exponentially. Great job, bro!

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 1/2/2009 2:24 AM

Thanks Austin, Brian and Paul for enjoying this story.

I had alot of fun writing it and even more fun reading and reviewing the many excellent entries for this contest. Thanks to all who reviewed and especially to those who advised and corrected. I've learned so much more after pouring through my reviews and I feel my script writing skills are increasing.

Chris, I'm planning for a rewrite in order to expand the characters and add that missing final touch. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

There are many great ideas that I received in my reviews and I plan to incorporate it all into a nice short. I went with the creepy atmosphere and it fit well. I want to maintain that feel, but also expand on the characters in order to create more substance and at the same time make it work towards a satisfying climax while still maintaining the dark mood.

I feel that "Watch Over You", in general, has received a very good reception and this has hyped me up tremendously. Although I'm not planning on entering the feature length script contest, I am anxious to continue competing in the monthly short script challenges and reviewing my comments because it has helped me to achieve a better understanding of the craft, and for the moment that is all I want to focus on.

My goal is to eventually write a five pager that will be thoroughly enjoyed by all. Happy New Years to all and Cheers to all my fellow MP'ers.