Comments Made During the Contest

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

This has a nice feel to it. To me it reads more as a snapshot than a story for some reason. Maybe I'm getting a little bogged down in the descriptions right now...Perhaps look at how the story of passing this crib (and what that means to each woman) on can emerge a little more. It may be a matter of taking this and making it a longer script after the contest is over.

I felt drawn to the characters and the desire to know more about them. I get the feeling that a director could shape this into quite an emotional little piece.

I think that you could edit down the descriptions. You don't have to say that Monica opens the door then exits, you can cut straight to them getting out of the truck. There's also a lot of space taken up describing the crib. I think you could cut that way down, then show us how special it is by the way the women react to it.

Alan Webb Munoz (Level 3)

I felt a little overly manipulated into emotion. However, the one page limit doesn't leave much room to do otherwise with a subject such as this. Good Job.

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

This was a sweet story. Few grammatical mistakes that make reading a bit difficult, but it is still a decent story. I like the concept... it carries that sentimental factor. It actually shares similarity with another story I just reviewed. Not sure if I understand the title, though...

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I liked the way you told the story but I guess something is missing here. IT left me confused

Good luck

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

i liked it i mean it classic and it had a nice pace that i like in screenplays of this length especially.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

The writing is decent but this is abut a mother picking up a crib from a little girl? And the last line confused me, it made it seem that there's some twist to it. I couldn't really tell if there was or not. Work on being as clear as you can and avoid things that aren't needed or make no sense.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

I don't understand what the title has to do with the story. The first image I get from Hemingway is the author and don't see any connection to the story.

I've seen a few very similar stories this month so the end reveal didn't do much for me. I'm trying not to compare it to the others, but it still doesn't feel powerful enough for the situation.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well written and paced, but the story is too familar. Someone else entered a similar script in this contest. Basically, we've got a 1 page version of the "For sale: Baby clothes, never used." example we hear all the time when discussing how it's possible to convey a story in just 6 words. It was well written, just too familiar to really grab my attention. Nice work.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This is a great script. It has very good, concise description, is well-paced, and the dialogue feels natural. Also, the ending makes simple, effective use of juxtaposition, and rightly avoids mawkishness.

Also, the writer makes the story feel very vivid without ever overwriting or resorting to cheap tricks.

However, I'm not sure what the relevance of the title is.

"The site of it takes the Woman's breath away" should be "The sight of it takes the Woman's breath away".

"She hands the cash. Monica takes." might read better as something like "She hands over the cash. Monica takes it.", but it's still clear what the writer means.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This is the second script I've read about a crib on the lines of the Hemingway six word story 'For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn' In that respect, it's a shame for you, because the first one I thought was derivative and this was ANOTHER one. At least you came clean and admitted it in the title!

This was well done, beautiful even, but a little bit inside me says 'this hasn't involved original thought' and original thought is, I suppose, what I rate most highly when I'm reviewing and scoring.

If it HAD been original I probably would have marked it Excellent. I am guessing that you might get quite a few excellents from people who don't know the source. And maybe a few comments along the lines of 'Why is this called Hemingway?' :)

CarrieAnn Lee (Level 3)

This is a moving and powerful peice. It brings back memories for me. My grandson died of SIDS when he was only two months old. After his death, my daughter went to stay at her mother-in-law's home for a few days. Before she returned to her apartment, I went to the apt. and put away all of the baby's things, and took apart the crib and put it into storage. I knew this would help my daughter to not have to deal with the baby's things, but it was still very difficult for me to handle all of these items that I had seen him use while he was still alive. I can't think of anything worse than the lose of one's child. I hope this peice is not based on a true story, but if it is - I am so sorry for you or your loved one that experianced the loss.

I hate to point anything negetive out in a peice like this, but you need to double check your puncuation - especaially in a one-page script. Also, when you refer to a character, you should continue to describe her the same way throughout. You went back and forth with the use of "housewife" and "Woman" to describe the same character. Choose one. As I have told many writers - have a friend read your script before you send it off. They will catch some or all of the things you have missed (You don't want the "little things" to lower the score on such a good script).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Keep on writing!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This was really good, nicely written.
Strange, the second one with a crib being sold by a mother who never got to use it - wondering if this was intentional.
It ends so fast and with us not knowing much about the mother, seems like only part of a story. Nothing wrong with the writing, just wish you had more room to use it.

Good job.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

This is a nice short. Hard to garner deep emotions in one page, but you've done an admirable job. It's hard to review one page, darnit. But it did find some nitpicky stuff that may help with your next endeavor.

Nitpicky Stuff
- Don't waste time describing a characters features that aren't needed to support the plot. And heck one page doesn't give you much room for fluff.
- Single dashes in the scene heading.
- No need for ellipsis in action just use regular punctuation.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is the second script I've read in this contest finding inspiration in the classic Hemingway 6 word short.

Your craft is very good and this is a moving story. Unfortunately, for anyone who know that history, your title sort of kills the surprise.

A few small suggestions, Monica (at 18) seems awfully young to be giving away a crib her husband made. Wouldn't they at least be trying to have a child gain? Also, the last line, "Somewhere in the distance, a child laughs." feels very melodramatic and unnecessary in a story like this. I think it would be more powerful if the last beat were on Monica.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I really had some mixed feelings on this one. Although, our family has never experienced a mis-carriage, I did find myself sympathizing with Monica and her situation. Other than that, I just didn't get the feeling of a compelling and unique story being told her. Your descriptions and imagery were done nicely, I just think the story lacked something that I just can't put my finger on at this point.

Good Job

David Birch (Level 5)

very visual...nice dialogue...lots of things to like here...NITPICK ALERT!...if she was in a pick-up, and that's where the crib is, she would pull down the -- tailgate --...i got thrown off, as a PU owner, when you wrote hatch...if i'm incorrect, then i apologize...also, give the housewife a better moniker...she's one of your main characters, treat her as such...something upscale, unblemished, say BRIANNA, or MADISON...a good source for first names is www.thinkbabynames.com...thanks for an enjoyable read...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Like it. I thought the action in the first half was a touch clunky and could use some editing. Whenever the words and sentence construction grabs me rather than the story, I fear the script is lacking.

However, it picks up quickly and the short dialog segment and descriptions in the script center and end held my attention. The deeper meaning of the script end was handled well.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Not sure I get where Hemingway comes in, but I am not as well read as I should be. LOL

The story was sad, but it just kind of felt one dimensional.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Here's another sad story but doesn't resonate - needs more than one page to do it justice. Without a set-up for Monica's loss, it just feels sad for sad's sake. You're not the only one that's played that card. I hope that doesn't sound to insensitive but, there you go.

The craft is really good, and you are skilled with the dialogue, characters, and descriptions, so despite the lack of a full story I will say good. It certainly is a challenge to write a complete story with the one page limitation.

I don't get the title reference at all - the only Hemmingway I've read is The Old Man and the Sea.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Beautiful story. Sad, but beautiful Good job. Keep writing.

Hafsah Mijinyawa (Level 2)

I liked this even though it was rather simple. Somehow I think the reveal about the history of the crib could have been more profound...though I honestly wouldn't have an idea of how to make it more profound in one page. as it is, it's a touching story that is somehow very visual the way you wrote it. Very nice read!

James McConnell (Level 3)

I liked this story. It had some emotion, some heart to it which some of the other stories I have read this month are missing. I think it could be leaner however. I'm not sure you need all the info in the opening scene. Remember, this is a single page where every single word needs to mean some and be there for a reason. Would we miss something if we didn't see Monica backing into the driveway, puts it in park and yanks the brake? I don't think so. Nice story.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

A good story, well written that was quick and easy to read. I would change the last to words to...a baby cries. Your slugs should only have one '-'.

Overall I feel this story meets the one page challenge and was a good read.

All the best.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

I didn't really get into it. It was written fine, the story just never grabbed me. I never got hooked on Monica or the housewife. I also disliked the final line, I knew what you were going for but I don't think it was pulled off.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

You did a good job of telling a story with few words of dialogue.
One spelling mistake: "The site of it" should be "The sight of it".
Also, you didn't explain the title.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

I'm guessing this is a reference to "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." Good idea, to expand on that, but I think your version explains too much. The power of that six word story comes from the reader figuring out why that's a story. It's almost a riddle, and you wink and show us the answer. Really strong writing, however. I like the details like the hand-made crib. I don't get the child's laugh at the end. Also, please name HOUSEWIFE something, even if it's not spoken.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Bittersweet vignette that pulled me along at an easy pace. The reveal towards the end of course makes your title relevant. But I think it is a bit abstract for most people especially non-writers to get. Hemmingway’s short story bet, in six words. “For Sale, baby shoes, never used.” The housewife must be aware of this legend, “…makes eye contact. She gets it.”

Good idea well told, I thought that the final line was a melancholy clincher.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

There’s not much going on in this story until the final few paragraphs. You’ve only got a short amount of time to make an impact and I’m afraid this seemed a little flat. Sorry!

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I can tell by the title that Hemingway’s famous mega-ultra-short-story was the inspiration of this nice little piece. You did a great job and flawlessly executed the script from beginning to end. Characters were well dialogued, the woman’s reaction to the crib, and monica’s reaction to her reaction were all excellent. The last line in the script was just perfect. It completed the scene and was the cherry on top. Very well done.

Kathy Thomas (Level 3)

Interesting story. My concern is why it's called "Hemingway". I must admit that I haven't read any of Hemingway's stuff so if it's a reference to one of his works it's very vague. It's well written and it flows well but I think that the ending needs more work.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

An inventive story with a hint of beauty.

I'm guessing that the title is a homage to the Ernest Hemingway. Nothing else seems to make sense to me. The story has a touch of Graham Greene in it, too, I thought. That's a compliment.

The ending was strange. The child laughing in the distance seemed forced. Wouldn't it have been better to have a child run up and hug the Housewife around the knees? The ending you gave me seemed predictable and less likely to have emotional impact than Monica actually witnessing a mother-child bonding moment.

Details:
-Why does Monica have blond streaks at her temples? What makes that a necessary tidbit?
-"site" should be "sight".
-Really piddly critique here, but the line "You have GOT to be Monica!" didn't work for me at all. I think the housewife would probably have said something more like "You must be Monica!" with more exclamation points. The word "got" just felt a tad off somehow.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Decent, but, like some of the others in this competition, seems to be hindered by a single page.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This one was really hard for me since it hits really close to home. I hope you're writing this from imaginings and not from remembrances.

Anyway, very touching story, very moving, and all in a tight efficient package. The formatting's good. The dialoque is good. Your charaters are interesting and have dimension.

Very good work.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

Nicely written. Everything is visual making me feel as though I'm right there with the characters. I wouldn't fix a thing on this script. It is perfect as it is like the crib in the script. Excellent job.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Sad story. I'm not sure where the title fit in.

It did leave me with some questions though. Monica is so young...her husband made this beautiful crib for a baby that for some reason never saw it...is she giving up? Never going to try to have another child? Not sure I understood Monica.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Hmm... inspired by that 'Hemingway' story, that he won a story competition with a six word story? I think there was another script this month that used the same inspiration.

"Her eyes turn to watery mirrors" I would simplify this to "Her eyes water, but she doesn't cry," just for clarity's sake.

Otherwise good, if not the first one like this I've read.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Good story, simple and emotionally powerful. Well-written from a technical standpoint. I can’t find anything to criticize but it didn’t have the impact of some of the other scripts I’ve read this month. I like this because it’s understated but I think the idea is too small to be a movie. It would definitely work as a scene in a longer piece though.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

I really liked this one. Beginning, middle, and end all in one page. I wondered where you were going with it until Monica says her first line. Your audience gets it then even if the housewife doesn't, and Monica's last line is therefore unnecessary.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I thik this is good, however, it doesn't really tell a whole story. It's a good set-up but has no closure. Even though it can only be one page, it still has to tell a complete story.

A comment on the form: I got a tad (just a tad) confused when you refer to the onther person as 'the Woman' but then her dialogue is represented as HOUSEWIFE.

Mike Dominguez (Level 3)

Good job not trying to to do much on one page, it felt complete and was naturally paced. I liked the first half a lot. In the second half, the dialogue didn't quite connect with me and felt a bit unnatural.

I'm guessing the title is referencing Ernest Hemingway, but I can't make the connection with the story - hopefully you can add this in a comment because I'm curious.

spelling: 'site' should be 'sight'

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

I don't get the title, I figure it's to do with the crib and not the writer??

Your descriptions are wonderful, very vivid images conjured up of the two characters but the ending just petered out for me and felt very flat. I was disapointed because it starts so well.

typo: site / sight

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

Okay. I get it. an expanded variation of Hemingway's six-word story. the point of a six-word story is to have a complete story play out in the reader's imagination. expanding a six-word story to one page takes much of the mystique out of the story. I'm going to need to defer more comments until I read what other reviewers say. I'm not sure anyone that doesn't know Hemingway's story will understand this story. Overall, you've written very well.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I guess you found some of the inspiration from the link Chris posted at the beginning of the month. Another writer this month did as well. Explains your title also.

It's an otherwise well very written screenplay, formatted properly, no typos detected.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This script has a strong emotional concept. I think it might have been possible to make more of a story of this if your page had not been filled with quite a lot of irrelevant description.

As it is it is good but it seems incomplete perhaps because the structure lets it down. Perhaps it could start with Monica taking a last look at the crib before covering it and driving to make the sale. This way the central issue of the script is established immediately.

Something that seemed odd to me is Monica being 18, married, and apparently giving up on ever having children. It might be more poignant if you switched the ages of the characters around.

"She's lovely. Mexican. Dark hair with blonde streaks at her temples." - Nice description but in this case most of this detail is irrelevant.

"She turns off the ignition, pushes the door open and gets out." - Unless it actually matters I don't think this level of mundane detail adds a lot.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This was good except for you used that Hemingway six word thing as the base (hence the title I'm sure). For sale. Baby shoes. Never used. If it wasn't because that was fresh in my mind I would have liked this one better.

It was written well enough, just felt a little like you stole someone else's idea...

My vote: Good

Raymond Belair (Level 3)

This is a good piece with a strong emotional twist. If you rewrite this, there are few tweaks to the dialogue that you could make that might make it stronger. I think it would make for a better contrast if Housewife said something like, "I'm so excited." Maybe with her first line, or in place of the "so worth it" line. This might help highlight Monica's attitude against the expectant mother's. I was also thinking that you could make Monica's dialogue at the end a bit more vague and let the visuals tell the story. "'My husband made it...' Tears come to her eyes, but she doesn't let them fall. '...It's never been used.'" I think this still gets the message across without being too obvious about it. I would also have liked for this to end with more than an understanding look - maybe a comforting touch, or even a hug.

There are a few minor technical points. First, I'd give the Housewife/Woman a name, even if it isn't spoken. As a matter of fact, in a piece this short, I'd get rid of the opening 'intro' line ('you've got to be Monica') and use that space for something more significant - the audience doesn't really need to know Monica's name for this to work. If you don't give Housewife a name, at least refer to her as either Housewife or Woman. No need to capitalize SMILING when she's introduced (unless she will be referred to as Smiling Housewife for the rest of the script).

You have several instances of passive voice. Try to rework any description that contains the word "is" (or "are"). For example, "A SMILING HOUSEWIFE, 30s, *is* already at the back of the truck. She *is* nine months pregnant; and positively giddy." Could be, "A smiling HOUSEWIFE, 30s, nine-months pregnant, waits at the back of the truck, giddy with anticipation." Always try to use active voice.

You don't have a FADE IN:, so it might be better to leave off the FADE OUT:. If you do keep it, replace the colon (usually for scene transitions) with a period (FADE OUT.). The descripton "watery mirrors" toward the end struck me odd. "Watery" I get, but "mirrors" doesn't seem right to me (her eyes become reflective?). And, I hate to admit it, but I feel pretty dense for not getting the meaning of the title.

Overall, nice job. I feel that you can make this even more affecting with a few minor changes that to take better advantage of the limited space. Good luck!

Rich Keel (Level 4)

I liked it until the last line. Didn't seem like it needed to be there. You did a great job of sticking with the correct formatting instead of diving into a descriptive mess like so many chose to do this month. I think you have a great script here. /good luck

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Curious title. I missed the reference. Why name Monica and not the smiling Housewife? Monica's dialogue is still a little on the nose and stilted. I know you tried to eek it out over emotion but I still think a lot could be conveyed without words at all. The part that felt strange to me was the last line - a child laughs? That felt out of place in this script and I'm not sure I read it with the intention you had by putting it in. I took it that it was 'thought.' In other words. You wrote it to convey something something to the reader -- not something the audience of the film actually hears. If this is the case, I was puzzled by its inclusion here. If anything, I would have thought - a child 'cries.' But still, neatly written. Good luck with this.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Not bad, looks tough to do this in one page! :)

Writing and story flowed nicely.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Is the title referring to the name of Monica's child that wasn't born or to the author whose style seems to be utilized here?

This is a lovely piece of writing that is more about character development than motivation or plot driven subjects.

I wish you hadn't spent so many words on describing the character's in minute detail. It helps build atmosphere but on screen what could have been about a minute and a half would then be about a minute or less.

In that sense this is more like a scene, a well written vivid scene about two women, one who has lost a child another who is going to have her first.

Lovely thought. Needs more pages.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Your story was really good. It drew me in, and I felt instant heartache for Monica. What I enjoyed is the two characters, both well drawn. Their dialogue was excellent.

Really nice story. Tragic and very touching.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Sad story. Could be a real tear-jerker, but, as written it doesn't evoke much emotion. A lot of space and words are spent describing Monica, and the crib, and putting the truck in park, and yanking the emergency brake, etc. All good stuff in a longer screenplay maybe, but not necessary here. You have one page to draw us in emotionally and set us up for a big emotional pay-off. The contrast between the sullen Monica and the "giddy" pregnant housewife is a great idea. That contrast could be an interesting paint your emotional picture and really make us feel the pay-off. P.S. Where did the title come from?

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Not bad at all. I enjoyed the story and the unexpected twist at the end. But here's the thing, I think the woman broke down, albeit subtlely, much too quickly. Perhaps a BEAT or a moment for her to catch herself. She's gabbing away all happy and then BOOM she's got tears in her eyes. Maybe she can turn away, looking at the crib a moment longer. BEAT. She turns back with moist eyes... "it's never been used". This will send more of an emotional impact to the reader and the audience as they can better picture, and grasp, what this woman went through.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

A really good story. The ending tossed me about some however. Not sure why you state "somewhere in the distance a child laughs." In my opinion you could lose this little extra. We get it that this is a crib being given away because of some tragedy or mishap with her own daughter that never was.

Overall, very good and with ever so slight tweaks this would be outstanding.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was poigant. I couldn't really feel anything for Monica though, and I feel as though I should have.

I don't see the point in her description - Mexican, Dark hair with blonde streaks....why? Surely you're just making casting and make-up for this character more difficult for no reason.

I don't really believe that her husband would let Monica drive out to sell this though? He obviously is a nice guy as he made the crib so I'd have guessed he would have been the one to hand it over.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Solid premise, the delivery needs work. This needs much greater emotional impact considering the powerful subject matter.

The set-up needs to be stronger, we need to feel much more of Monica's sorrow, maybe have her load the crib into the car in tears rather than "sigh" and expect me to feel it; I also suggest shortening her physical description. How does being lovely, Mexican or having blond streaks in her hair add to the story or the character? Show me more of her pain and less of her appearance.

I'd eliminate the first two lines of dialog are kinda pointless - jump right to the "perfection" and let's see Monica's PAINED "thank you" while she counts the money. I'd also like to see the mom "get it" by giving Monica a hug or expressing real sympathy rather than a condescending nod.

Lastly, maybe I'm dumb, but I didn't get the title.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I have to admit that I don't get your story's title.
Since Monica is the first thing you show, it would be good if you described right after you introduce her rather than at the end of the parragraph.
You could do without some of the many things she does to get out of the truck, since none of them seem to be quite relevant.
The exposition about Monica's kid seems very forced and unnatural.
I'd say that the end result is a slice of a story rather than a complete one.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This is very well written and I liked it a lot.

Honestly, there are only two things I would change.

1. "Carpet" should be "Tarp" or "Blanket". You wouldn't use Carpet to cover something like that in the back of a truck. I know, nit picking.

2. Cut the last line. It's overly melodramatic and takes away from the story.

I rate this as: Very Good!

Thank you for writing this.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

One little thing really bugged me. When Monica says "she never... it's never been used." I thought the "she never" part was really unnecessary, it explains too much. I think it would be a lot more effective if those words were left out. I know it's a little thing, but I thought it'd be a big deal. Otherwise I thought this was a very well done script, good writing/grammar/punctuation/pacing/etc.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

The descriptives were stocatto to a fault, and I don't like the last line; it was much more dramatic letting it end with the look from the housewife. "Smiling" really doesn't have to be capitalized in the Housewife's intro. I very much like the scenario, it just seems to be missing some "meat". I think if you took out the choreographed movements of Monica and the Housewife, it will give you more space to give this more life. A nice slice of life story.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I'm not sure how the title works for this piece, but I liked your screenplay a lot. In fact, it is the second I've read about the loss of a child. I have difficulty with that topic, not because I lost a child, but because I imagine what it would have bene like to lose one of my sons. In brief, this is something I'd rather not read about'; but your script won me over. I wish you had cut FADE OUT and used the rest of your space. Yes, I like you indirection, your not baldly stating what happened to Monica, but you could have added just a bit more.

I loved the image "wattery mirrors" and I also liked the haunting direction "a child laughs."

This is poetic insightful writing.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Would Monica be so revealing at the end to make the expectant mother feel like complete and utter garbage? That's horrible and unfair. And what's with the child laughing in the distance? Is this to make Monica feel worse? It seems like both characters are just beaten down. Subtlety would work so much better and have so much impact in the end - something where the expectant mother is clueless as to what happened with Monica though the audience gets that she lost a child.

Use a comma, not a semi-colon for: "She is nine months pregnant; and positively giddy." A semi-colon connects two independent clauses.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

Hemingway? There must be something I'm missing. Ah! The "baby shoes" thing? Good idea, but I'm not sure you improved on the original by making it longer. Pretty well written, though I think I'd like to see something a little more original.

William Flink (Level 3)

hmmmm

Why does the child in the distance laugh?

I'm not familiar with hemingway, thinking about the title here, I'm not even sure it's a book or something.

Anyway, there's a touch of darkness in this story, maybe that's why I imagined this taking place during night, even though you wrote morning.

The conflict is revealed towards the ending, so I feel it got interesting too late.

Dialogue was good.
Very nice paragraphs and character description "months pregnant; and positively giddy", I liked that.

Comments Made After the Contest