Comments Made During the Contest

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I want to like this, and I do feel that it is on the cusp of being a really interesting story. I'm not 100% sure that it is there just yet. Mainly because I understand what is supposed to be happening here, but I am missing how it is happening. This may be a story that needs more than a single page to tell...

What does Nadia do that gives Levon the scholarship? Shouldn't he walk through the portal if he's the one whose future (or past? I'm not sure here) needs to change? And, why did the new girl show up?

The way that I see it, you have 2 ways to take this:

1. Levon needs to make a choice between Nadia and the scholarship
2. Nadia needs to make a choice between giving Levon the scholarship and remaining with
him

Either of these would raise the stakes and add some needed tension and suspense. Both require a little more information that this script is giving us at the moment.

I think that the dialog could be doing a little more work as well. Nadia's 1st line jumps out in particular. I'm not sure what you would have her say instead, and I see why she says this, but it's not doing very much work to reveal the character, allude to subtext, or advance the story.

Alan Webb Munoz (Level 3)

Out of curiosity, is Levon's memory erased by the event at the end? Is that why he moves on so quickly. It was a little unclear.

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

Very interesting idea. It's the first one (in this contest) I ran across so far that is sci-fi, which is pretty cool. Your screenplay is very well-written as well. I didn't run across any errors in it. I like the story... it's very creative. I'd love to see where this story went, if there was more than a page.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

That was nice concept but it was a bit rushed. I know about the 1 page rule yet it was rushed. You could use less dialogue lines and more action blocks. I like the portal idea but the pace of your story didn't allow any idea to settle down in my mind. I think that the one-page contest is a contest for images not for dialogue. Yet, the script was very clean and the idea was quite clear.

Good luck

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

hmmm, odd, is the only word I can use to describe. I just didn't really understand it to judge it really so...I'm not gonna knock it.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

The ending confused me a bit, does Nadia go into the portal? Is there a second Nadia after she leaves? Not quite sure what you meant. Cool idea though, and nice writing too.

Bonnie Maffei (Level 1)

I believe you meant: "Levon gapes at the portal in shock." You've written "Levon's gapes at the portal in shock." Your script was fun and engaging, plus imaginative.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Pretty imaginative script. The dialogue felt unnatural. Writing and pace was good. The story itself was creative but a little confusing. Was the second girl Nadia too? Or just someone that looked like Nadia? That part left me a little puzzled. Overall, this was pretty enjoyable but like I said, the ending puzzled me a little bit. Nice work.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

Did something just pass my head completely. Is this a faq only basketball fans would get? I didnt get this at ALL. I'm sorry. but if this was about some basketball player MAYBE i would've done my research and gotten it. But all this is too much for a person to digest IN ONE PAGE! a girl from the FUTURE, from ROMANIA, coming back in time to make out with a random dude.

No, no. Just no.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This script has a cool sci-fi concept of a time-travelling "PORTAL OF LIGHT", but could have done more with it. The story feels a little small. Why waste the concept on a teen drama when it has the potential for epic time-travelling battles to save the future (or something)? Also, it's not clear exactly what the rules of this time-travel device are. Why is there another Nadia when the first one leaves, and why can't Levon come back if he goes into the future?

"I am, of Romania in the future" should probably be "I am, from Romania in the future", although maybe this was meant to show that Nadia doesn't speak English perfectly.

"Levon's gapes at the portal in shock" should be "Levon gapes at the portal in shock", and "He shakes it off" should be "He shakes it off,"

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This is interesting and has potential with some good visuals.

I didn't quite understand the ending. Why did Levon seem happy to go with the second Nadia when he hadn't wanted to go with the first?

Small point: Why does Levon say 'Shut the fuck up' when Nadia hasn't said anything?

I liked the title - it was witty!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This does not seem like a complete story to me. Not sure who these characters are, who the girl that appears in the end are, why he mentions going to Romania with here when not with the first girl. Too many holes left open. Also, seems a bit rushed that she suddenly mentions the portal to the future then is gone. Wouldn't they have talked about it before?
Think this needs work.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

What the hell! And I mean that in a good way. You had me tripping from the start. I wasn't fond of the future person's stilted dialog (I guess they talk that way in the future). However the soul exchange at the end was brilliant and very creative. Good Job!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

It's a great change of pace to read a one page sci-fi script.

The reveal that this exchange student is not who Levon thinks she is, is great. I'm not as much in love with ending where Levon forgets what just happened and I assume, ends up with the real Nadia (although I'm not quite sure about that).

Your craft is good, but I wish there was a bit more style to it and a bit more passion (the fire of teen-age love).

Still, I enjoyed this and I think with a different ending this could be very good.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This was a nice simple story from an interesting perspective. I just didn't get a feeling for your characters though. Why did Levon want to go with Nadia? To be with her or for a basketball scholarship? It seemed as though Nadia wanted the basketball Scholarship more than Levon did.

I thought the ending was rather anticlimatic as the introduction of a new character sort of threw things off for me. I just wanted to get more of a feel for what your characters were looking for.

David Birch (Level 5)

a good try at the "coming of age" genre...some things to like...i.e. love vs. career...some holes that could clear up a couple of questions...but i thought it was an ambitious attempt at a difficult assignment...my only criticism is that there wasn't enough dialogue "separation" between your two main characters...she needs to speak in a more "broken english" manner...one of the toughest things a writer has to do is to NOT have his characters speak with the same voice...thanks for the read...keep it up...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

You had me until the last few lines. I think there was a typo or something. Maybe I just didn’t understand. Too bad, this was really going somewhere.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Was this time travel? And if it's another girl, how does he know she is named Nadia? I didn't understand the story.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

I am a little confused over what all that was about. Is Nadia from the future or not? She disappears back to the future but someone the same age, name and dress is still there. The events move very fast and their is little explanation in exposition that would help clear things up. It is interesting and your craft is fine, I just struggle with the story and motivations. To throw out basketball scholarship with no pretext just seems to weaken both his motivation and his love. Then again this is high school, so how in love is he. Really the stakes are not very high, there is no risk or consequence to the choice he takes.

Hafsah Mijinyawa (Level 2)

You have a good hang on format and your writing is strong, but regarding the story itself, I really didn't understand this. It felt like the end of a longer short script...but mostly, I was left asking too many questions. Why does he want a basketball scholarship so bad and what does it have to do with Nadia teleporting back to Romania?

This bit:

In its place, another GIRL, 17, dressed in Nadia's clothes
gazes at the view.
(Why is she dressed like Nadia?)

Levon blinks and seems disoriented. He shakes it off takes
the Girl in his arms.
(He's not disoriented enough to ask, "what the heck?" and "where did you come from?" Is she Nadia or is she someone else entirely? Or maybe a clone?)

LEVON
I wish I could go with you, Nadia.
Think I can get a basketball
scholarship in Romania?
(So apparently he thinks she's Nadia...but still...why Romania? Its very mysterious and seems to warrant more pages for more answers.)

It's pretty hard doing a whole story in one page. The best of these kinds of stories are those that tell a moral instead of a story in the traditional sense. Morals can be easier to convey than a fictional narrative because you're trying to prove a point or teach or persuade someone of something, and you can convey them using just action or just dialogue, which can be really interesting sometimes. So perhaps when writing this kind of story, ask yourself, what do you want to SAY?

Good luck!
Hafsah

James McConnell (Level 3)

I wasn't sure what happened at the end. Was it all a daydream? His imagination? The portal of light made me sit up and take note. It got me hooked right away which was good. There is a cheat though: "...a futuristic roadway to another world" How do we know this other than the fact that you told us? I would cut it. Nadia's dialogue tells us that it is a time portal, you don't need to telegraph it. It had promise although I was left utterly confused by the ending...

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I like SF, so I am not averse to the concept, but I am not sure "get" what happened here. Is the girl "another girl"? Is the girl Nadia from a few moments before? The Exchange Student idea is great fun, but if this is going to be a one pager, you may want to clarify a bit more.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

The title fits. What I'm I missing? This felt like the end of a much larger story. And the ending is baffling. It sounds like Nadia is trying to prove a point by saying to move on in your life, you must leave behind your material possessions. If Nadia is Romanian, where is she going, and which country are they in?

High school graduation is pretty much an american thing. So if it's a basketball scholarship he wants. He may as well stay where he is. They don't play basketball in Romania at a national level. A quick search shows that it's soccer first then tennis.

Your story was quick to read.

All the best.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

This script has a little of everything, but not enough of anything.
The drama is too shallow to have any meaning, and the comedy isn't enough to sustain the story.
The science fiction element is promising, but it doesn't develop into anything interesting.
Levon's insouciant attitude in the face of the paranormal activites undermines the sci/fi element.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

I like the subject matter. Portals and sci-fi stuff are always welcome. The dialogue seemed kind of unnatural, "But you must leave the car", and his reaction to the portal didn't seem authentic. I didn't quite follow what was going on.. I'm guessing she had to go back to Romania and he was daydreaming the portal? If that's the case, it could be stronger without the sci-fi elements, but I'd love to see them made more integral to the story. Good mood and your description was great - simple and effective.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Romania basketball scholarships, portals into the future, beautiful girls exchanging places, this must be fantasy!

A lustful little teenage episode on the road of developing imagination. The writing seems mechanical and distant, without much depth of emotion in it.

It would be interesting and educational to see what making out in a sports car looks like.

Simple and cleanly formatted with a small typo: you don’t need to make Levon possessive as he gapes at the portal.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

This story seemed a little rushed to me. In the space of about ten seconds your reveal: An doomed love affair, an traveller from the future, and Levon’s basketball scholarship. These are three key plot points that would benefit from more screen time (e.g. show Levon training hard at basketball, Levon meeting the mysterious stranger Nadia and falling in love)

As it stands, this feels like the end of a larger story.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Nadia is an exchange student from the future who took the place of the actual exchange student during her time travel trip to modern day earth. This is a good premise indeed, but not one that could be handled in one page. Levon’s reaction to the portal and her leaving were not realistic enough; again, not enough space to work that in. The dialogue also felt sort of cliché, for the many times a scenario like this has been done before.

Not a bad job overall, I graded it a Good. Keep reading, reviewing and writing.

Kathy Thomas (Level 3)

Interesting concept. Unfortunately, I feel that you need more than one page to tell the story that you wanted. It seemed too complex an idea to contain on a one page script. The ending just felt rushed and confusing.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Huh. What an interesting story. I'm sitting here in a dumb daze, liking it, trying to figure it out. I haven't the faintest idea what the rules are, I guess, governing the portal of light and this odd Nadia character. The twist is fantastic, it caught me totally by surprise, but I really don't know what it means. Who's the second Nadia?

I'm often wrong, but I'm not often this confused. lol... I guess I don't have much constructive criticism for something I don't understand.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Okay. But, like many of the scripts in this month's competition, it suffers from only being a page long. It doesn't seem like a complete story, but the beginning (or end) of one.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The concept here is okay, but the story doesn't feel complete. There's no reason for Nadia to be there from the future. Not even a hint of a reason.

The formatting is okay. The visuals are a bit bland.

The dialogue is very stiff. Nadia sounds more like an android than a girl from the future. She needs to be human for this to work. As it is, I don't feel a connection between her and Levon at all, even with the making out.

I think this story would be improved by a longer rewrite. Tell us more about why Nadia's there. Tell us why Levon's even considering a scholarship in Romania. Make us feel the love... and then clarify the end. I'm at a loss there.

Fairly good work.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

Like how the title explains the story a bit. Well constructed title and pacing good. I don't feel like we learned anything about the characters though. What are you trying to tell the audience with this story?
Concept: Fair
Story: Poor
Characters: Poor
Dialogue: Fair
Overall, I felt this is a fair read.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I didn't quite understand the ending.

I think this is too big of an idea for one page. The problem is, we don't know Levon or Nadia. How long were they involved? Because I knew nothing about them I didn't care that she left and didn't know if he was upset. And I don't know why after she left she reappeared.

Too big for 5 pages.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

"Shut the fuck up. You’re not really from Romania?"
Huh? She wasn't speaking...

OK, I did not really get what was happening here. Although I liked the elements of the ludicrous and the science-fiction presented together, they didn't really match each other.

Why travel through time to let someone know they will get a basketball scholarship? I'm still quite confused - why does another girl have to take her place?

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

I'm not sure I understand this one. Is the whole portal/girl from the future thing a figment of his imagination? If not, why the girl at the end?

I actually think this would work better as a straightforward sci-fi twist without the girl being there in the end.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I liked the midway twist you threw into the classic exchange scenario.

The ending was kind of a head scratcher though. Not sure who is this girl that takes Nadia's place and why.

Matthew Belanger (Level 3)

I do enjoy a good futuristic and sci-fi story. I think it is safe to say that everyone must have felt like they wanted to save moments like this at some point in their lives. Sot he human element is there as well which is nice as well.

I know it's only a one page assignment, but I think the story needed a little more to fully grasp. The reveal that he was dreaming (Was he dreaming?) kind of cheapens it almost, by repeating the same dialogue. Possibly a reference to the previous conversation with a word or phrase, like 'Can't you teleport back' or something like that, so she's confused by his snapping back to reality. Kind of reminds me of 'The Secret Life of Walter Mitty' which is a great read.

After reading it again, is this new girl the real girl after a dream or another girl who looks like her after the future Nadia returns to the future? It's kind of confusing, but either works. Just pick one.

Overall, good structure, but I'd try to iron out exactly how the time travel element plays in, so it's either a dream or actual event.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

You have a beginning, middle, and end, and a character who thinks he wants something. When the chips are down, he decides not to go. Levon's reaction to the portal seems off. Nadia from the future has a distinct voice, though, congratulations.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

What I'm loving about these 1 page scripts is what awesome openings they'd make for longer films - I want more! The title for this is superb and the script leaves me with so many questions - who is the replacement girl? How long has Levon been in that car watching girls go back through the portal and then forgetting!!

There is not much characterisation or conflict here but it's a great little scene - I hope you expand on it.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

"Levon's gapes at the portal in shock." = some fresh eyes caught this itty, bitty typo.
I'm not sure what to make of this. I either love it or it needs more work. I'm not sure.
first of all, some elements seemed just thrown out in mid-air. for example, "You're not really from Romania?" can I get some kind of clues about the subtext of this? what is the inflection that the actor needs to put on it?
also, I'm not sure if the ending is meant to be vague so that I put my own meaning to it. I'm under the impression that someone from the future must take your present spot in time before you can go through the portal. am I correct? but then, why does Levon need to wait for Nadia's counterpart to come through the portal before he can go?
I'm also confused why he takes the Girl in his arms; then, decides to go through the portals. just seems like a piece of exposition is missing.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I'm sorry, I've read this three times and I just don't get it. I'm not sure if it's a comedy or drama or both. I'm not the sharpest person, maybe others will have better luck with this.

Did Levon imagine all this? Who's this second girl? What's with the basketball scholarship?

Very good screenwriting, proper format, didn't detect any typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is an interesting idea and I like the sudden "out there" jump that it takes. You have quite a lot of stuff happening in only one page and I think the story suffers a little because it can't be filled out in a few places. In particular the characters, especially Nadia are thin because there is no way to develop them at all. That's true of many entries this month but I guess it's noticeable here because buying into this kind of story hinges on the people in it.

"The car sports decorations in a high school graduation party motif." - It might just be me but I can't picture what this would look like.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

You were doing so well until the end. I really enjoyed it until another girl just shows up and everything is just plain normal again. Levon should have struggled more with his decision to go or not to go. Not just shake his head and be back smooching with a new girl. Good title though. It fit your story.

Raymond Belair (Level 3)

Sorry, but you lost me. I went over it five times, and still don't quite get it. I didn't connect with the characters or the events of the story. You had me interested, then threw me for a loop and left me hanging. Good luck.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Good story for a one pager. I liked the characters and just the whole idea of the story. Also you did great with formatting.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Clever title. I've never been one for sci-fi, so I apologize but if a magic portal can mysteriously appear and disappear and another girl can materialize -- why can't the car go along? Also, why does Levon call the new girl 'Nadia' after he saw Nadia diappear. Even though this girl is in Nadia's clothes, it's clearly a different girl. Finally, the dialogue threw me. Nadia tells him that he can basketball scholarship but then he asks the new girl if he can. It didn't flow for me. I was expecting Levon to lose his chance at both the girl and the scholarship but the ending was too open ended. I thought you formatted well and you can clearly see this as a short film. Best of luck.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Cool title. Honestly, I'm not sure what happened. Nadia is from the future Romania, but I don't get what the switch was all about. I read this page a few times, but still couldn't get it.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This was a good blend of sci-fi and time travel to tell the story. The endless loop ending has been done before and it works well in a short rather than the longer version.

This however lacks in motivation for both characters. Why did she travel to the past? Why does he want to stay back? Because he can't come back?

I want more concrete motivations and actions from both of them. The title adds to the story but I wanted something more dramatic in the middle.

Right now this needs slightly more tweaking to make this stand out.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I think you had a nice start to the story. I loved the fantasy image of the portal opening up. I was a little confused, as to why he didn't go? And I wasn't sure who the other Girl was.

So while I enjoyed the beginning, I didn't fully grasp the ending. Oh wait.. your title might explain it more. So the new girl was just another person who had gone to the future and was now coming back??

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Seems like kind of a good idea, but I didn't really get the story. It needs to be fleshed out a little. Is this it -- Nadia is a girl from Romania in the future who (for some reason) came as an exchange student to the U.S. of today and fell in love with Levon? Then she offered to take him back to the Romania of the future where he could get a basketball scholarship, but he turned her down? (If it's true love, they gave up on each other very easily.) So, who's the other GIRL? Why is she dressed in Nadia's clothes? Why does he call her Nadia? It was a little confusing for me.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

A little confusing. I see where you were trying to go with it, but it ultimately confuses the general reader. Too much is left unexplained. This would work well, once further developed, in a five page format. But as a one-pager, it doesn't give out as much information as it should, thereby harming the narrative.

A few things to work on: dialogue and scene location.

Dialogue: it's a little stale, to be honest. A little robotic and could have a little more heart and soul put into it. These kids are 16/17. They don't say things like "You can, but you must get out of the car." It's too stiff. It'd be more realistic if they said "You can, but you gotta get outta the car." How do you say it? Then think of the character, age, where they're from, dialect, etc and then write it exactly as you speak it.

Scene Location: Really this is only one point. In my opinion, once they are out of the car it should go to EXT. ROAD - NIGHT, or something similar. Think of it as a shot. Is the camera in the car the entire time they are outside of it? If this is so, then you've done it the proper way. If not, it's a new scene.

Not bad, overall. You could just use a rewrite!

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

This was a good story. I like the time warp portal. What I had trouble with was the fact that Levon had a second thought about going because he could not remain. This part of the story was too thin. I think if you rewrite you may be able to place in more meaningful emotion that helps us connect with either character. You will be able to answer the question,"Why can't he or she go?

Although story was good, some of the dialogue did not sit well with me. Here are two pieces, "Shut the fuck up. You’re not really from Romania?"and "... Do not be afraid."

If you were going for romance or love than "Shut the fuck up" kills the mood. I also think the other character might react to that statement. You say, "Do not be afraid." Sound like a cliche or on the nose and could simple be left out of the dialogue here.

Overall, a good job.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I didn't really understand this one. I mean I get the whole exchange student, splitting up the affair when she has to go home. I didn't get the whole romania of the future part though. Might just be me, but I'm confused by this one.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I've read your script, thought about it for a few minutes, and I still don't know if I get it. But I like it.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

I like the idea. A shame you only have 1 page to explore it. The reactions between them are rushed due to the limitation. You should extend it to 5 pages and enter it in the December contest !!!!!

You write well... although I think the word "fuck" was unnecessary and detracted from the piece. I have no problem with the word... I use it all the time... but it didn't seem right for the script.

You have the technical stuff down. Good job overall. Congrats!!!!

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Felt a little awkward. Was Nadia ever really there, or was he just imagining it? Who was he talking to in the end? I was just a little bit lost.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Should be "Levon gapes". "a futuristic roadway to another world.", there is no need to tell us since we'll find this out from Nadia in a moment. Clever story. I don't understand his question to the second Nadia; the first Nadia already told Levon that he could still get the basketball scholarship, (which I liked because it's funny for him to even be concerned with such a thing after witnessing time travel!).

William Coleman (Level 5)

While you write well - but with some typos, etc. - I find that there is little point of reference for me to get a toehold on your script. Why Romania? Why Romania in the future? And then there's basketball scholarships. Why not one here in the USA? It strikes me that you have crammed too much into this one page and that all this belongs in a much longer script - and i'm not talking about the normal five pager here, I'm talking feature length.
Actually, i think you would have had a better script if you had concentrated about a couple "making out" while Levon is on the verge of going away himself. Adding all that occult stuff junked up the script for me. No, I'm not grading you on your choice of where the script went; but I am grading it on how it read to me. ou obviously have talent, but you need to sort out your story elemens and focus on one clear through-line.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Really awkward and confusing. I didn't understand Levon's out of the blue remark about Nadia being from Romania. The duplicate of Nadia at the end has really left me scratching my head - does Nadia keep returning until she gets Levon to answer the way she wants him to, like some sort of "Groundhog Day"? A little clarity could make this story go a long way.

What does the new Nadia "view" - the city lights or our man, Levon?

Proofread aloud to fix some of the sentence structure. (Change: "Levon’s gapes" to "Levon gapes" for example.)

William Dunbar (Level 5)

I liked this. I didn't think I did at first, but after a few minutes I decided it was good. I'm not sure what you should make of that kind of reaction, but there it is. Good job.

William Flink (Level 3)

I like how you start the script in the middle of something, you start right on the conflict.

I'm a bit unsure of the ending, not sure I've got it right, I've got two theories:

1: Nadia only went a few seconds into the future, she changed her mind about leaving him

2: That other gil is Nadia...and...then I'm lost.

3: Something tells me Nadia was already in the future to begin with...the last line seems to imply that.

I think the ending should be written a bit clearer, I'm still unsure. Maybe you should just say that the GIRL is Nadia unless she's not.

Thinking about the title I'm feeling I might be all wrong about the ending.
Well written paragraphs, visual and descriptive.
Good dialogue.

Comments Made After the Contest