Comments Made During the Contest

Angela Guess (Level 2)

Cute. Fun. The magical realism threw me for a bit of a loop. I didn't understand why you put it in other than to get the line, "Don't hold your breath." But I liked the dialogue--very sharp and snappy.

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

Quirky, unique, well-written. Great.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

You've made a very exciting choice in giving Brad these special powers...so I think he should do something far more extraordinary with them and that they should be treated with far more importance than you're giving them now. The ending falls a bit flat after all the inventiveness in the script. Might he clean up the mess with his powers? Does he simply transport himself and Susie to somewhere more romantic? It needs just a bit more oomph there.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well written and paced. Fairly clever story, but I got the impression it was sort of a romantic comedy, yet I didn't really find much humor in it. I did like how his telepathy was just there, but not a central focus of the story that needed to be explained. Overall, this was pretty well written but I just wasn't crazy about the story. Not bad, but not great either. Somewhere in between. Nice work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

You tend to use rather too many parentheticals. These phrases need to be in action lines, or possible to infer from the dialogue.

I liked the banter between Brad and Susie. It seemed natural.

I couldn't relate to the psychokinesis though. No clue as to why he has this special power, so it stuck out like a sore thumb with no grounding in the plot.

It also ended rather abruptly...

This had the air of a gentle rom-com which was good.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was a ton of fun.

I love these two characters and their dialogue was clever and witty. I was totally rooting for Brad. You had conflict throughout and yet managed to make both characters likable and charming.

I'm torn on the "super-powers" though; it is fascinating and a great hook, but I want it to pay-off a little more in the end. As it is now, it almost feels, unnecessary and not that connected to the heart of the story. I don't want you to get rid of it, just work it into the story a bit more. For example, is Brad surprised by it, does Susie suspect?

This is a great script and I think with a minor tweak it could be excellent. Very well done.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Quite creative with the levitation and all. Unfortunately this all comes out of nowhere and I don't really understand why he has these powers. That really killed it for me. I like the premise but think it would be better without the nose-holding, couldn't he just grab something out of other shoppers baskets and improvise? I think that would be funny.

The writing was crisp however and flowed nicely.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

This is a fantastic little vignette. I absolutely LOVE this strange "super" power that Brad has...it's so amazing, yet so NOT super as evidenced by his loss of consciousness. It's very VERY intriguing. Don't let that concept go. I think a character like Brad has a great (feature-length) story to tell. Very unique.

All that said, I feel like the ending kind of trailed off. I'm not sure exactly what I was looking for, but I just felt like the sight gag of having the store torn up and Brad looking guilty...it just didn't have the closure that I would have liked to see between Brad and Susie.

All in all though, very fun script. Nice job.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Well written. Moved quickly. Keep writing!

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Wow.. really good. Great setup, what a great place to play with a superpower. This was really charming, and I didn't expect that she already knew about his levitation. Very well done, and you did a wonderful job showing a complicated premise without having to explain it. Great story, and very film-able, too.

John Ward (Level 3)

This was a great short. I thought it was pretty cute, and well executed. The visual element is pretty interesting, so it could be shot pretty much as it is; without much re-working required. Since it seems fairly light-hearted, perhaps there could have been some reference to 'the force' - since Brad appears to be mimicking the jedi mind trick....but this is just my opinion.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This was a funny story, but not exactly a love story. Susie may have agreed to go out with him, but only because of circumstance. There was no real chemistry there. The supermarket setting was cool, as it is nice to see regular everyday people falling in love, and the dialogue was cool too. The telekinesis powers was a good touch to the story and I think the connection you made between the title element and the story is that he was out of oxygen when he blanked out and that brought the two together. Overall Good.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

So cute! I loved your choice of scene setting and how well you utilized the space. The label gun, cheap gifts, etc. Very well thought out and executed. I'm not usually one for rom coms, but I really liked this one. Great characters, easy to read, what more can I say.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I guess it was cute enough...I didn't really understand his power and whether or not she knew about it...seems like she did based on her last line to him. But a good script.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

A really fun and clever little story. I like the gimmick, and how you really scored on the title. Had me interested, wondering what would happen. I also liked how you didn't dwell too deeply on the magic aspect: it's there, it's part of life, it's gone. Kudos.

Odds and ends: Some of the parenthetical comments properly belong in the action line, since they involve visual action (holding up the pricing gun, hiding a bear). I think you mean "discreetly" instead of "discretely". I didn't care for the 18-year-old calling himself a man (I know he thinks it, but the rest of us know he's got a lot of growing up to do, no doubt: could he just say "can't blame a guy for trying"?). And she's willing to go out with him but she's afraid of his kissing germs? That particular joke didn't seem to fit. It'd be better suited from a younger girl in a different script.

"I wouldn't hold your breath." Brilliant.

Why did she say yes to him this time, when she's obviously been saying no to him for a while now? What was different about this encounter besides the fact that he trashed the store? I would encourage you to write a tiny scene and insert it just before he blacks out, showing how he finally captured her affection. You have room within the five-page limit. I'd love to see the rewrite. But the story alone earned an Excellent.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is great!

The story is clean, simple and entire just the way it is. The dialogue was really good. Brad and Suzie have individual voices and depth of character. I was glad he got the girl.

The flow was smooth and even. You took some simple visuals (reaching for the chocolates, etc.) and infused them with tension, anticipation and drama.

You don't have to tell us that Brad is a lovable rascal. For one thing, it's not a physical trait you can film. For another, Brad shows us his character from the beginning to the end. He is everything you wrote him to be and he's a great character.

The cues that Suzie's interest in Brad is much more than she's letting on are subtle and sweet.

The only thing I'd change is the location time. I'd make it before or after hours so we understand why they're alone. It reads like a small town grocery (I like that) because of the shelving, so you might start out having one of them turning around the "closed/open" sign. Just a thought.

I hope this gets filmed. If it does, make sure the actors are up to the roles. The only thing that could hurt this would be poor acting.

Very Good.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

That was cute. I loved the dialog between Brad and Susie. I really liked how you made it obvious she liked him without her saying it.

What threw me off was the fact that he was levitating things. What was up with that? I thought it was cute but it was never explained. Susie never even saw it. I just thought that was odd. Did he know he could do that or was that the first time? I think that needs to be touched upon a bit.

But nice job with the characters and relationship.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

A tenuous link with oxygen at best, but I liked the contrast between his use of his amazing powers and the quite banal conversation he's trying to make with Susie.

One suggestion I'd make is to not have as many parenthesis. Sometimes this interrupts the flow of the dialogue when the action or tone is obvious to the reader from the character (for instance, I already knew that Brad was flirting).

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Nicely done. Conflict between them, even if it's playful, and interesting consequences.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Cute little story about telekinesis, breathing and love. I liked it but it was a bit fluffy and didn't really have much meat to sink my teeth into. It almost seemed more like a scene from a rom-com than a stand alone piece. Good work though.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Original use of oxygen/title/premise! Very quirky, loved the 'don't hold your breath line'.

Pretty much all your parenthicals are unecessary (holds up pricing gun), we know she has a gun in her hand and the dialogue points it up.

(flirting) he's definitely flirting! etc

Flowed well, good ear for dialogue.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

just one typo that gets caught in a proofread by fresh eyes:
page 1 - "Brad's reaches into..." doesn't make sense. If you meant to type "Brad is reaching into..." make this sentence active. "is" is a passive verb.
a couple suggestions to smooth the read:
page 3 - "as if by magic" can be removed. economy of words, remember? plus, this isn't magic so why confuse me by telling me it may be magic.
page 4 - the flowers drop to the ground. they don't break. not in a vase? I was expecting a bit of conflict here. so far, Brad's gotten by unscathed, easy, without resistance.
I'm engaged in the story. found it entertaining and humorous. the final image was unexpected, entertaining. left a slight cliff-hanger = does Susie already know about Brad's supernatural powers. I can only come to my own conclusions.

Nicky Muddle (Level 3)

Cute ending. Magic powers make me a little nervous. You need to make them really believeable - which is tough in 5 pages. Your use of Brad's power, your characters and your story all suffered from being a little bland. All your efforts obviously went to meet this fairly difficult task - to tell a love story in 5 pages. Okay now that's done why not rewrite with more verve. Give your characters more individuality. Give us some idea why Brad is trying so hard to win Susie and not moving on to the next girl. Why is she important to him?

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Excellent screenwriting, formatted perfectly, easy to read, visualize and folllow. Didn't detect any typos.

Cute, fun, harmless fantasy story of puppy love. No death, no loss, no heartbreak, but perhaps just a tab more conflict could've ratcheted up the story a bit.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Nice little twist, and cool story.

THe dialog worked perfectly and it flowed nice to!

Nice story.

Robbie

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The telekinetic powers seem to have no story other than being convenient to plot. This takes my attention from the love story and I'm more intrigued about his powers.

Also she seems indifferent to the whole thing. Why?

The dialog's were good and the supermarket situations made this watchable but the mystery takes precedence over all.

Some of your action descriptions in parenthesis with the dialog would serve better if used as actual action lines.

Do clue us in to the telekinesis or levitating things as without it this'd be just plain ordinary teenage love.

The use of oxygen was used in the context of him holding his nose which again was used to serve the levitation. So explaining one works in favor of the other as right now the oxygen doesn't seem plausible.

The screen-writing is good but needs a bit more exposition.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Very cute.. a breath of fresh air. I loved how it was dialogue driven. One of my favorites this time. I loved the characters and the way they interacted with each other.

I especially liked the opening scene with the teddy bear and how he had it in his hand and she guessed it.. just the way the whole thing flows was really good. Your leads are great, get two solid actors and this would make a very cute short film!

Very nicely done, and I think this might do very well. Good stories are told simply and with feeling, as this one is.

Title Good
Story Very Good
Dialogue Very Good
Characters Very Good
Concept Very Good

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

This is a fun story. I like that it's clever and a breath of fresh air. I also like that they are so non-chalant about it. I thought I was being set up for Susie being freaked out by his powers and it turns out she knows about them. Great idea. I like the way you do dialog.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Good story. Clever use of dialogue. Your script writing is confident, aware and formatted extremely well. Great twist on the use of "oxygen" and Brad's telepathy. If only he could have used that same mental prowess on his soon to be lover. Love the grocer setting with Brad giving her small gifts from inside the store. I could see this as a Ryan Reynolds, Amy Adams type of rom-com. No complaints about that. It's good at what it is; simple and warm; the things you'd expect from this genre. It's apparent that you know it well!

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

Now, that's great story. I love the dialogues, the succinct descriptions, and the humorCongratulations!

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

I like the concept, but I didn’t like the way Brad’s “gifts” were never paid for. The fact that he gave Susie a box of chocolates he just took off the shelf is cheap and it made me wonder if he’d done the same thing with the teddy bear and if he did, he took it out of his bag, technically making him a shoplifter. If I were in Susie’s shoe’s I would have told him to take a hike. The writing was good, but a little stilted. Brad’s character was making the beginning of a good change, but the story ended before it could get much further. Also, did Brad holding his breath (apparently Susie didn’t notice his ability to levitate things) make Susie want to go out with him? Why was Brad able to levitate things? With some polish, this can be a really good story. Keep at it!

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

Fun story.

I would replace the line - "Brad’s caught out" with a saying more people would understand
ie. "busted" etc.

oooh "Brad looks sheepishly guilty. " That's it??
Seems like something is missing, like an explanation for
his telekinesis, or a zinger for the ending.. or a THE END.. something! LOL!

I liked the dialog and it was a great premise having Brad give her presents that we on
the shelf special the one she had just priced Hee Hee.

Good story, a more solid ending would have got an excellent rating from me on this one ;-)

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Very cute. Not much more I can say about it than that. Flowed really well and had a good ending. Nice.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

This is fun. The dialogue kept my interest, although the pacing of Brad trying to bag Susie got a little old towards the end. I think an audience would get a chuckle out of this, and then ask if you have any others scripts in your pocket.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I think I'd like your script better if Brad's levitation stunts wee clearly within his being knocked out - perhaps by something high up on a rack. I also think an alternative would be to leave out the levitation and concentrate on Brad's futile sttempts to impress Suzie with a gift. Perhaps a topper would be that he pretended to be knocked out and gets a sympathy date?

Your dialog has a nice brisk feel and is natural to your characters, which are well drawn. Somehow, this needs no tricks - just a charming reality would do.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This is sort of a fun little idea. It seems to run out of steam at the end, and some of the lines just seem like cliched filler, but overall it's pretty good. Good job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Joel Davis (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2008 1:31 AM

This was my favorite this month. Simple, magical and charming.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/1/2008 7:45 AM

I loved this one too. Charming is the perfect word to describe it. I'm glad this won Honorable Mention.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2008 2:31 PM

Nice work, Jon.
The "super" power was something that stuck with me. Very funny.

Jon Hill (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2008 2:35 PM

Thanks for the feedback guys. Some really useful advice in here.