Comments Made During the Contest

Angela Guess (Level 2)

Awesome! I loved it. My only complaint would be that you have an extra foot in the first line of your Modern Major General parody. (Yes, I tried to sing it.) I thought the story was so cute and tight and funny. I love the idea of it all flowing as one shot and the songs and little skits are adorable. I was smiling the whole time!

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

That was the weirdest thing I've EVER read. I loved it, but I think I'm gonna be alone soley based on the fact that I love showtunes and got all the cheesiness. I think you just went too wild with the chemistry element and the love aspect got lost and reduced into this cutesy, nerdy, angst ridden fling which was more backup for the all the other stuff happening. So you didn't really follow the goal. But on the sheer uniqueness and the hilarity, I'm sure you and I only get, it's a good piece.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was a strange one. The visual spectacle of it may provide some good comedy but the songs would probably only really work for people that are really in to science (or possibly theatre). Everyone else would just be kind of lost I think. The formatting was abnormal, but seemed to work okay. The story itself was pretty routine though. Lithium girl is upset at Emo Boy, then they patch things up. The story there isn't that original, but everything surrounding it was pretty creative. Nice job with a difficult assignment.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

A wonderful combination of comedy, music, emotion, and geekiness. I wouldn't be surprised if the writer is a Joss Whedon fan. :)

The new lyrics for the songs are quite funny. In fact, I kind of like the entire musical. In the script's own words, it's "clumsy and yet dazzling". Also, the line "Disproportionation! Yay!" is brilliant.

The description is well written; simple yet witty. For example, I found the line "She may be an unstable alkali, but she has the voice of a platinum-group metal" quite funny, although the humour of this wouldn't really translate onto the screen.

The only bit I don't like is "Prog-rock-new-age chimes an airily offensive backdrop to this spectacle"; probably because I don't really know what that kind of music is. Also, if readers are unfamiliar with the songs referenced then those bits may not work quite as well for them.

In summary, it's a hilarious, sweet story which gets bonus points for including lots of science, and setting it to music so brilliantly.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Not sure about the note at the beginning. That is surely for a shooting script not a spec script where we want to read the story?

Witty, the hydrogen peroxide line, but it doesn't appear on screen so was a bit of self-indulgence. It makes it a good read for me but...be careful. "She may be an unstable alkali, but she has the voice of a platinum-group metal" Again...

SO many cast members for such a tiny film!

This was a jolly romp and great fun. But. But? I'm trying to formulate my but, and I think it was that so much was going on, it was so complex that the love part of it was almost completely obscured.

I did enjoy the read, but more as a read than being able to see this as a film.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Ok, just because you say it's one shot doesn't mean it's one shot. You have a scene on stage and a scene back stage and hell a scene above stage. The on and above stage can be done relatively easily, but the backstage would be difficult, so just write it and let the director figure out how to shoot it.

Your writing is good and I didn't find any flaws. The song ideas are funny and I can imagine some school for rich kids pulling this off. We learned of the Emo relationship naturally, but the reunion seemed rushed and unnatural. I think you could've used the extra page to build tension and make the reunion more believable.

Thanks for an entertaining read.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Incredibly clever and funny.

I love the idea of a high school musical about the elements. Your lyrics are inspired. Setting a love story gone awry amongst two of it's cast and crew is brilliant. I'm not too sure about the phone falling on the one kids head. Perhaps it could just be a case of stage fright and the Stagehand seizes the opportunity to step in.

One small complaint, I think the "Note" at the beginning does more harm than good. Let the director and cinematographer figure out how they want too shoot it.

Still, this was really great.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I think you went a little overboard with all the music and chemistry. I was completely lost, especially after reading the logline. This was wayyyyy over my head. I'm sorry but I didn't see the story at all and as such can't really give you any suggestions to improve it, maybe it was perfect. I don't know.

What caused Lithium and Emo to have problems? Why did they get back together? I didn't see any of this.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The author has a very good understanding of the screenplay format. Also writing skills are there. But, I didn't get the plot. Maybe it's because I don't understand chemistry.

Ian Rand (Level 1)

I LOVED "Lithium." It was "out there" in a big way and it did its thing. The pace was quick, the characters instantly familiar and endearing. The use of weaving a high school musical production, itself a pastiche of other productions, was very clever. Did I mention how much I enjoyed reading it?...

John Brooke (Level 5)

I want my degree in Chemical Engineering, I just earned it reading your cleaver creative cute cartoonish creation. Well done medium rare, and Bravo.

Not a gun shot in the whole caboodle.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This was a very interesting script. The songs were cool, but everything else was a bit too much. The play was confusing, and the attempt made by Emo to get to Lithium was not at all exciting. He probably should have rescued her from the play. The script's flow was continous, but it seemed as if there were spaces in between somehow.

Kirk White (Level 5)

it's a clever idea. but ultimately didn't really do anything for me. I don't think you'll realistcally be able to simulate one continuous take the way you have it structured and you'll definately get sued for using those famous melodies. I'm not sure...it is a smart script, but I wish you had spent as much time with Emo and Lithium as you did composing the songs for the elements. It is cute though...I'll give you that.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Good job. Really entertaining. I enjoyed it a lot, so please pardon the lengthy review.

I'd prefer not to see the logline on the title page.

Periodic elements do not "compromise" each chemical, they "comprise" them. I enjoyed your little ditties tremendously, but this film could never be made because you'd have to obtain the permission of a lot of copyright holders in order to sing the songs (Andrew Lloyd Webber, in particular, would never grant it).

Description of Emo Stagehand: I don't normally think of shaggy-haired slackers as noble, so I'm not sure what you mean, even given the noble gas discussion later on.

A lot of your chemistry jokes are going to be lost on a viewing audience. How do they know kids are dressed up as Oxygen or Helium? Although Manganese is named in the dialogue, most casual viewers have never even heard of it, which means they probably won't care. Although somewhat clear in written form, these things are going to zip right by the viewer, leaving them unsatisfied.

You ask the camera to view the action from above (you'll need a shot heading for that, by the way). How's that possible when you want the entire thing to be filmed as in one take? You ask for some very complex shots later, as well, such as intercutting between the kid in the rigging and a straight-on shot of the stage. That can't be done in a single take like you ask, at least at low budget.

I got confused when it appeared to me that Lithium was dressed as Nitrogen. Then I finally figured out that Nitrogen was someone else. You might want to stress that Nitrogen's a guy, because by calling him effeminate I inferred he was a girl.

I have no idea why the Kid in the Rigging gets to play the part of Cupid, nor, for that fact, anything about any character. The idea of the play is clever, but it takes up almost the entire script so that there's no room left for an actual love story.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

"Mendeleev High School", cute. Very creative use of the theme. A fun script, though the phrase "...clumsy yet dazzling..." left me scratching my head.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Hmmm. You took the chemistry angle to the limits, didn't you. I found one and only one mistake in your work - 'a uncomfortable...' and that's it. Your story's really good. Your characters have personality. Your dialogue is great.

Very good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Well that was original. Very amusing. Hard to follow cus there is SO MUCH going on in just 5 pages, I almost missed the love story.

It was amusing but that's it. We don't end up knowing anything about any of the characters and nothing about the love story.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The chemical-musical was so funny and ridiculous it overshadowed the romance. I found it hard to believe that high-school students would be wasting so much time putting on this show (but then again, I have seen High School Musical and it was worse in that).

Emo stagehand needs a name. Just labelling your character with a stereotype won't work, because some, like me, will think of it as a negative stereotype, and be put off the character.

The song parodies sound like they would be funny, but clearing all that music and re-recording it with parody lyrics would be a nightmare of logistics for someone looking to turn it into a film.

Also, if you want it to appear as in one continous take, you would have to have suitable moments to transition to another shot. For instance, a shot of a static object or someone walking past the frame very close to the camera.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Haha!

This was really good. Very creative. I love the concept. Not much to criticise except maybe the abundance of characters that took away valuable pages to develop the love story. That said, it's refreshing to see a script tackle a romance with the subtlety and sense of fun displayed here.

Good job!

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Marvelously different! I smiled while reading and laughed out loud at the lyrics.

Mike Cobb (Level 2)

Wow, i've atleast got to give some points for originality here lol. I have no idea how to format musicals, so I'm not sure if I can actually say anything about the format and actaully having the characters sing and dance so I cant really comment. As for the story itself it has a nice little tie in at the end which made it pretty cute, so nothing really to argue about there. As for some of the names though, I don't think I really understood the purpose of names like "emo-stagehand", or "Mr.Drama". So I'm not quite sure what to think of that. But overall it was a cute little story and nice play on the periodic table:)

Mike Dominguez (Level 3)

Nice job, a creative story and an interesting situation. Very well written and easy to read. One thing I didn't understand was how Lithium changed her attitude so quickly. I would have liked to have seen more to make her change her feelings.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

very entertaining. I'm sure chemistry classrooms everywhere will love to see this.
the logline kinda boggles me. not sure I'd watch this movie based on that. to be more active, maybe it needs to be rearranged: a musical about chemistry serves as the catalyst for a derailed high school romance.
I got a little confused when Nitrogen makes an entry on stage = Mr. Drama taps her on the shoulder. She runs on-stage, as NITROGEN, skips on from stage-right. such a long sentence. maybe break up, especially since you're talking about two shots here. one when Lithium runs on-stage. the other when Nitrogen enters from stage-right.
I wasn't very impressed with the ending. the spotlight kid seemed one too many characters. best to find a way to use one of the existing cast to provide the same element.
mainly didn't like the ending because it was too convenient. maybe some clues or foreshadowing that spotlight kid was going to do something to put these two back together?
otherwise, entertaining and an easy read.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

For me, this was a little hard to follow. I'm still not entirely sure what the love story was.

This reminded me of last month's script with all the utensils walking and talking, in the sense that there is a lot (maybe too many) unique characters packed into one location.

Format is overall good, just try to limit the parantheticals (wrylies).

Raymond Belair (Level 3)

I don't know how good a judge I can be as I don't know chemistry, and I don't know any broadway tunes, but it was very clever. Although, I feel the characters may have been somewhat overshadowed by the cleverness, and the spectacle of the production going on around them. It would only take a line or two in the right place for me to want to see these two crazy kids get back together. Tricky, I know, in such a small script, but it wouldn't take much to get us to care about them a little more than we do. Otherwise, I can imagine this being an entertaining feast of music, costumes and choreography. Nice job.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Bravo! Bravo! This musical has chops and is hilarious. I wonder if most people will be familiar with the lyrics and the music though.

A few of the camera moves and descriptions aren't needed but hey, you had a particular visual you wanted to get across and you stepped back after you got it across.

Your descriptions had witty narrative charm, not all of it will be conveyed but it draws a precise picture.

You have some background in theater or you've done heck of a lot of research, or you're a stressed out drama teacher. I loved it.

The ensemble takes precedence over the couple and the cellphone was a cute technique to serve the plot.

Should be a contender.

Encore!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This is the last one that I reviewed, I'm always grateful that I review all the script, because it always seems the best is the last. I really enjoyed this, so clever and fun, and it would make a great short. (if you can get the rights to the music) Hilariously funny and I would love to see you make this. You'd need some great actors to pull it off just right.

Nice work. Kudos!!!

Concept Excellent
Story Excellent
Dialogue Excellent
Title Good
Characters Excellent.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Very clever. It was a lot of fun to see someone take the contest so seriously and have a completely science-themed story. I enjoyed the words to the songs and I enjoyed the story. You get huge points for creativity.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

I liked the continuous shot concept. Enjoyed that it was a musical based on the elements, and a well thought out idea you gave, with the spaceman needing water and oxygen. You've obviously studied chemistry before.

My only problem would be that in doing the continuous shot sequence, you lose some of the fire between the two lovers. You really miss the "chemistry" requirement of this contest. There really isn't anything there other than "forgive him" between the two, other than the "I'm not talking to you" bit. Sure they sing together, and the resulting lyrics are somewhat symbolic towards their relationship, but unless someone somewhat understands chemistry, I feel they'll miss it entirely.

It was good, don't get me wrong. It could just use a little more depth.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Title: Like this LITHIUM not "LITHIUM". Should be nothing more on the title page. Lose the logline stuff. Also, lose the camera description. Leave that up to the director and their whole and capable artistic worth. And... as I read I am contiuously removed from the story by the excess / in every dialogue.

I have to be honest. This was not my cup of tea. Seems to be way too many characters for such a short script and the music is over the top. A filmaker may skip this one just because of the cost to produce. Overall, it was cute and with further refinement it might turn into a golden gem. Today it is a lump of coal with a hidden diamond.

Just fair in my opinion.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I'm a little confused as to what these costumes would be. You just say they are dressed as Oxygen or Hydrogen or whatever, but I don't know what that would look like? You can't see gas so I think you needed to explain that a bit better.

Now I've read the whole script, all I can is I was very confused by the whole thing.

I don't think the play within a play idea worked. Whatever story you had here, really got lost amongst this play. I think you had one or two too many characters too.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

It is a really funny story. It would help if it read easier than it does, and that could be accomplished by shortening description. You probably could do without so much left satge, back stage, etc. But I think there is no much of a chance to get this shot as a contunuous take. I can not think of a way in which you can go from the stage, to back stage left, to the rigging, and to a cell phone without cuts - and without making your viewer's brain tumble like a shoe inside dryer machine. Indeed, the way you are treating the different parts of the stage probably should be considered as different locations and, therefore, scenes on their own. But don't take my word for it - this is just an opinion.

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

Very Good. I enjoyed it. Why did it need to be one continuous shot? I liked the interplay of chemicals into the entire script. I’m not a chemistry geek, but I know enough science that it was fun to read. I’ve heard all of the songs, but couldn’t immediately place them until I did a search on the internet – which means I was engaged enough to want to do it. My wife, the cats and the dogs didn’t appreciate my singing, though. Given that, I’m changing my vote from Very Good to Excellent. Thanks for a fun read.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

This is very cleverly written, by someone who knows chemistry well, or has done WAYYYY too much research LOL!

My problem with it, is that it is very hard to read because you have to keep slowing down to
understand the visuals and many song references (which again, are very clever)

This screenplay almost seems like its a private joke going on between the reader and the writer of this piece,
but most of the inside jokes would be completely lost to the short film/on screen.

Example:
"She may be an unstable alkali, but she has
the voice of a platinum-group metal" THis is hilarious to read, but would do nothing for the screenplay
in its production or direction.

"The power of the unstable alkalis!!" LOL!!!!! I'm in stitches over here.

You're obviously a accomplished writer with a great sense of humor, but its *too* clever for
a screenplay.

Very Good!

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Enjoyed it very much, although I still wish for a little more backstory about the lovers tiff, so when they get back together I'll know what emotion to assume about their future. I want two things: To have one more page to know Lithium and Emo better, and to know when and where this play will perform! Funny, funny material and a creative, engaging story.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Very high marks for creativity. Loved the chemistry musical.

William Coleman (Level 5)

You have to be one of our Brits - or perhaps an Aussie. Who else would think of using Gilbert and Sullivan? And there has to be a scientific background here, too? No more guessing. This is clever, well written, and almost propulsive in its pacing. It is thoroughly cinematic in its execution. Another great merit is that it is so rooted in teen amateur theatricals. If you don't win, it's because we have too many uncultured members intent on shock and awful. I really like the use of many elements as they assume - or are - characters. You're at the top of my heap! And this is certainly one of the best scripts I've read at MoviePoet in a very, very long time. Congratulations and thanks!

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/1/2008 7:56 AM

I loved this and I am so happy it received an honorable mention.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2008 9:35 AM

One of my favorites this month!! Nice work. Congrats.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2008 11:59 AM

I gave this an excellent. It was hilarious and meticulously detailed. Loved it.

Joel Davis (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2008 1:09 PM

Thanks everyone! What a warm welcome to the site for my first submission. I knew I was writing something that would only appeal to chemists who like musical theater, but apparently there are more of them out there than I thought. (Calvin: yes, I am a huge Joss Whedon fan.)

I figured that the "one continuous shot" thing was pushing it, but that's how I imagined it taking place, and since it was already completely improbable that this would get filmed because of cast and music, I went for it. I don't think it would actually be that hard to shoot it, you certainly couldn't do it in one actual take, but you could make it appear as if you did with clever editing and some other tricks. It's simple compared to the huge tracking shot in "Atonement" for example. And the directory could always just say "hmm, forget that" and chop it up into proper scenes.

In reality, I don't know much about chemistry. All of the technical content comes from the Wikipedia page on "Catalyst". I realized after submitting it that my love story was wafer thin, but I hoped all the spectacle would distract from that. But you moviepoet folks are too clever for that, you saw right through my tricks. Thanks everyone for all the feedback!