Comments Made During the Contest

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

Nicely written, albeit simple story. Wanted a bit more 'wow' factor in terms of romance though.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

A sweet love story, but I think you need to add some clarity about when it is the older Edgar and when it's the younger one. I was feeling a bit lost when he was on the bus, whether it was a flashback or whether it was in current time.

I don't know that you need the beginning sequence of Edgar as a soldier getting on the bus...it doesn't do much to set the tone, which you do so well in the initial hospital scene. I wonder too how the viewers will know that the old man sitting in the chair in the hospital room is the same man (only older) who is getting on the bus in that initial scene.

You see it all very clearly in your mind, of course, but as a reader, I need a few more guideposts to make the same journey.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Good formatting, no typos. Powerfully written, brutally touching story. You've renewed my hope for the Chemistry entries with this one. Excellent job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I loved this one. It's funny, but this particular title has turned up the best scripts of the bunch (except for mine!)

It was sweet and tender. The love was evident without the need to state it. And, as I've said often, I like stories that aren't about 20 somethings and aren't violent.

I loved the interplay between the doctor's actions and Edgar's soliloquy, which could have been dull on screen without that.

I loved the visual impact of the ending - in fact, not unlike the ending in mine if you ever get to read it!

A few little points.

I don't think it was necessary for the bus driver to say anything.

It's = It is. The bus continues on its voyage.

On the bus, it will be difficult to convey the passengers smiling 'as he tells stories' - perhaps seeing him show the letters, maybe a photo too would be enough?

This is definitely up there!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I really liked this a lot.

Your craft is great and your images are lovely, poetic.

Two moments confused me a bit. First, Maddy and Edgar are elderly, but you mention "Sammy's still jumping on the bed.", which sounds like they are young parents. Second, I love the visuals in the last scene and I assume Edgar has died and met Maddy in heaven, but it comes right after the hospital scene and I think there needs to be a transition scene in between.

Still, this script is great and the way you intertwine the past and present is wonderful. Very well done.

David Frye (Level 1)

Awesome script! Nice job from the start. That surreal endless highway in the beginning pulled me right in to the story. Very nice. Great description - and great use of paralleling the physical world with the spiritual.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This was very sad and might move some to tears. I think you should have flashback in the non hospital scene headings.

It was heavy with monologue and I would have like to see more of their relationship but it was Good.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Page 2. I would have liked to seen something like: TWENTY YEARS LATER or perhaps a date at the beginning and then a second date to show the lapse in time.

Page 2: "A thousand more wrinkles splinter across his face." Nice description but would probably be better in a novel.

I had goosebumps at the end of the screenplay. A wonderful story. Keep writing!

Jim Brown (Level 3)

You did a good job presenting some simple visual images. The ending is beautiful. One small correction: "it's voyage" on page 3, should read its voyage, no apostrophe. But a very nicely told story.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Into the light, the neon light. A heavenly story that would make a emotional intense short film. Sad, but the coming together in hope at the end lightens some to the heavy emotion that you have intoned. The end of our human life is not a very up subject, and you have honored that ending well in your story. I would have appreciated seeing some of those (VO) things through the interrupted dialogues here and there.

Neon title makes sense in this context. Sensitive and easy to understand. Intense emotion comes through.

Who knows what’s on the other side of death. You’ve made a brave attempt at showing a possibility.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Good script. The script was predictable, but an enjoyable read regardless. The way the script kept changing from the bus to the hospital room was pretty cool. It kept the script moving forward at an even pace. The story doesn't jump out and grab you, but it's not boring either. The one thing I didn't understand is the Neon connection, but other than that it was a good story.

Josh Crosson (Level 2)

Very smoothly read, and great dialogue in my opinion. Very Good...

Kirk White (Level 5)

it's a sweet story but right now there's just nothing too incredibly original or genuinely moving about it. It feels almost like a halmark comercial. I don't see how the hospital stuff is supposed to mesh with the WWII stuff...I think if you do a flashback it should illuminate the present and right now it doesn't. NOt exactly sure how to fix it...but maybe add some of the neon stuff as she dies? It may also help (although this may be a director's choice) to intercut the climax of both time periods rather than letting her die and then showing the reunion. food for thought. I'm giving you a good just in case I'm being too cynical.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I guess we weren't original at all with the choice of element... lol, Either that or we're all devilishly clever together, all of us Neoners.

You need to warn the reader when you're about to bounce into a flashback or jump forward in time. Do this in the slugline, not in the action. You should probably also differentiate between YOUNG EDGAR and OLD EDGAR in your characters, since two people will have to be cast for the role.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

A decent story, and you actually tied in this month's theme with more than a throwaway line. Good job.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is a really beautiful love story. I half expected Edgar to lie down beside Maddy and die with her. Very touching.

Your formatting is good. Your pacing and flow are good. Your characters and dialogue are good. Your story is wonderful.

Very good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

That was a very sweet and touching story. I really liked how you weaved his busride home with the hospital scene.

One nitpicky thing...as much as I don't like doctors...and I REALLY don't like them...I felt the doctor to be way too cold. I'm sure that's what you were going for but it just seemed too heartless and took away a little bit. Maybe if the doctor put a hand on his shoulder, showing that he didn't feel like waiting but at least it wouldn't be that exteme. Just a thought.

Very good job!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Very touching.

What prevented me from liking it more is the final scene. I thought it made it a bit too obvious what had happened. What would be better is if it was more ambiguous as to whether he was dreaming, having a flash back, etc.

One thing that would help to follow the story is if it was indicated at the start of each scene if it is young or old Edgar. As they would be played by different actors I feel this qualification would be useful, also as there aren't many other visual clues as to the time frame in the first few scenes.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Neon? Afterlife? Did you hack into my computer and read my entry? :)

Not a big fan of dramas but this was well written and was quite enjoyable.

Very good.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

This was pretty good but I found it a bit confusing to read. In the end was he dead too? I'm not sure. It was touching and you certainly know how to write but I'm confused by the ending.

Mike Cobb (Level 2)

Wow! Nothing to complain about here. The pace of the story was flawless, these five pages flowed so easily together. Also, I was actually kinda moved by this piece by the end, since those kind of endings Im a complete sucker for:) SO very nice job here, and I really nothing to complain about here so nice job!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

I liked this, simply told and I was suprised by the life support termination. Love the line: 'a thousand more wrinkles splinter across his face.'

Well paced and a good span of time. Great story telling.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

reading alot of these five-page scripts makes me yearn for the next month when we will need only one page. I can get a feel for your craft after one page. the story = I read through the entire five pages. it had the right amount of sappy love story. but, the final image was hard to follow. seemed like a missing piece of exposition. how'd we get from here to there? I just really need to know if we are in a flashback or Edgar has replaced his bride with a younger version?

Nicky Muddle (Level 3)

Very well written but unfortunately I just didn't get your ending. Was the final scene a memory of the past, Edgar's imagination, or a reunion in the afterlife? How did the neon lights suddenly appear? Without knowing what was happening it was vey hard to understand the scene's significance and feel any resolution to the story. Yet everything was building up to this scene so it was obviously important. I think you need to make this clearer, though it may just take a bit of tweaking, not huge explanations.

The cut from the first scene to the second needs something to make it more obvious on screen that the character is an older version of Edgar, otherwise audience conusion can distract from your story.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Bittersweet story, this is one of my favorite themes to read about, the meeting up with loved-ones in the afterlife. I love how it's not completely spelled out for us, that Edgar is in the afterlife now where he again meets Maddy.

Nice use of the element in the story. Excellent screenwriting, good format, no typos detected.

Great job!

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Gave me goosebumps! This was so amazingly done and the visuals were simply fantastic. I had a feeling what was going to happen but I wasn't disappointed at all when I got there.

Very nice work. I'm picking this will be a top 3.

EXCELLENT!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This was quite good with regards to the setting. That makes this extremely interesting.

Secondly the intercutting between past and present was superbly pulled off in this one.

From desert to hospital and then the neon city. Nicely done.

Is the city Las Vegas? Or is it a different post WWII city?

Showing him giving consent for the termination of life support did raise the drama and help in the resolution but I was a bit overwhelmed by that fact because he had been talking her into a lovely moment in the past and this took me out of the moment.

Would it work if she just passed away?

I think so.

A beautiful love story. Script away!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Beautiful story and I felt compassion for Edgar the whole time. I thought the back and forth could have worked better with voice over. For instance when ever he talks about Maddy, you should see Maddy as he is talking. It would work much better than just telling Maddy about it. The audience will want to see what Edgar saw.

I loved the ending. I thought at first you should end it where he says "I'll find you in the Neon again" To me that would be very strong. However as I kept reading I liked what happened. I assume that Edgar is now passed away.

I wonder if you need the part where he signs the Life Support Termination notice. That to me brings you right out of the story. I think you should cut from I'll find you in the neon again, to maybe a small scene where he goes home to an empty apartment, fixes himself a drink and sits by the fire and passes away.. and then you see him see her in the dress. Maybe a little cheesy?

I did love your story, and I felt really drawn to both characters.

Well done.

Story Very Good
Title Good
Concept Very Good
Dialogue Very Good
Characters Excellent

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

My eyes actually welled with tears the second they graced over "fade out". You, my friend, are good. Interweaving present and past was genius, in this heartwarming, and melting, situation. Eloping the death of a loved one with the meeting of a loved one was a brilliant move that shows you have a clear vision in your head; longing to unify pen and paper. There isn't a solitary thing about this script that I disliked, and I'd boldly watch this movie in front of my girlfriend, without fear of allowing a tear to fall.

Now, format-wise; I'd only ask that you put "flashback" in the INT. BUS - DAY part. Just so readers don't confuse themselves into thinking the old man was getting on a bus, rather than the old man as a young man.

Liquid flow, thoughtful dialogue and an overall sense of achievement. You are the fleece lining of the writer winter jacket.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Was wondering about the title, then about 2/3 of the way through it began to connect to the story. Story -- Hmmm. Really thought you painted a fantastic picture of a road that goes from here to eternity, after that things started to droop for me. I lost interest in the story. When the neon signs came into the story I was drawn back in and it was too late for me.

Up front you have a description of Edgar. The next action right after your description could be merged into the Edgar description line. This might help you save space in the script. One other thing, you slug lines are missing time of day. I think in a spec script we should include DAY or NIGHT.

Then there was this, "Edgar’s eyes are lost in reminiscence" and I was left with the feeling that this description was more fitting for a novel and not a screenplay.

Overall, it was good.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I really liked this one. Great imagery and a really nice flow to it. Nothing major to complain about really.

The one and only thing that left me a little confused was Maddy's final line of 'I knew you would'. I see how that fits in with Edgar's final line in the hospital, but in real life it doesn't seem to fit. Whatever you were going for with that - shared reality afterlife, collective memory anew, or whatever - I think you need to edit it a little, because it didn't really make sense, at least to me anyway.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

Your descriptions are great, very vivid and realistic, and visual! And the play between the hospital scenes and the exterior are also excellent.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

This particular shot seems to be unnecessary:

"EXT. DESERT
Dusk has fallen. Not a soul in sight.
The bus continues it’s voyage"

I wish you didn't bring in the doctor; he interrupted Edgar's groove. I was brought into the story immediatley and was anxious to see how this would end because I had a few different endings in mind: I was thinking that the letters and pictures may be from another girlfriend and when he accidentally got off at the wrong stop, that's when he first met Maddy; fate if you will. But I was wrong, you kept it simple and that works too. Great piece.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I'm having a run of good scripts and that includes this one. I liked the contrast of time, of youth and age, of time passing, a long love, a remembered past. The counter-point of the observing doctor in attendance makes him us as we watch what happens. This is subtly cinematic and well managed.

The sense of period is just enough. I know, because I lived as a young soldier back then. You avoid too many specifics that might betray you knowledge of the period, but you got the sense of it. It wa san intensely romantic time. The element fits well into the story without being forced there. Neon signs were quite garish then and I could visualize them.

Edgar's monolog of remembrance is moving. Perhaps there could have been a little reversal, a little regret, perhaps an apology, a flaw in the relationship. As it is, it is almost too idealized - but sometimes memories become that way, don't they?

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Hey, you made me cry! That says it right there. Wonderful without being sickeningly sweet or pathetically melodramatic. Excellent use of flashback with a perfect ending to complete the package. Beautiful. God, I can't even imagine life without my gorgeous bride - let's hope the other side are true glory days for all of us. (Now you made me sickeningly sweet!)

Beautiful!

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This was great. I'm not sure the story quite added up, particularly the idea of him getting off at the wrong stop, which is never really explained, but the mood and the emotion are top-notch. Good job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/1/2008 12:05 AM

Great script. This was poetry (my highest compliment). Congratulations!

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2008 2:01 AM

Great setting and characters Travis. Loved it.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2008 2:17 AM

Got the idea for this script after my grandma died last month and from Brian McKnight's "Back at One" music video.

Few things:

1. The bus scenes were NOT flashbacks, they were all in the afterlife. All the passengers were dead, too. They were traveling to go meet their friends/families again along with Edgar. The bus driver was a vague kind of Charon. Edgar finds Maddy again in heaven the same way he found her the first time. "Heaven is what you make it," etc.
2. Sammy is Maddy's dog.
3. They cut the life support before the story started. The paper work was for post-completion.
4. The city was basically Vegas, I just didn't want to make that explicit since it'd be weird for Sin City to be heaven.

Thanks for all the reviews. Although, I didn't expect anyone to cry after reading this. I personally thought the story was painfully corny.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2008 8:54 AM

Beautiful work, I loved this!! Congratulations. Now I have to go read again, after your comments above.

Definitely NOT CORNY!... loved it.

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2008 5:40 PM

I picked it right Top 3!!!! Nice work!

"Back at One" I remember that song...

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2008 11:59 PM

Great job Travis! Congrats on your first Top 3! In case you were wondering, this was the script that actually prompted me to post in the forum about my rekindled desire to continue reviewing the chemistry contest. I'm favoriting this one. Cheers.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 12/2/2008 1:18 AM

Thanks a lot, Sally and Rich. I kinda feel guilty now that I know my script started that whole argument, Brian. Hopefully this month's entry will be better for you than the last ones.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 12/2/2008 1:42 AM

Travis, don't feel guilty. I (unwittingly) started the arguement, not your script. But if the guilt is too unbearable, you can try writing an inferior script this month (In fact, I'm entered in this contest so maybe that'd be a good idea.) ;)

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 12/2/2008 1:46 AM

Well, I guess I just didn't expect my script to be so controversial. And hey, since you gave me such good reviews I'll make sure my entry this month is utter garbage.

Sam Heatley (Level 2) ~ 12/20/2008 3:15 PM

Good.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 12/21/2008 5:52 AM

Thanks, Sam.