Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I liked your story. Your dialogue was good but in the opening you've overdone the conversation between the priest and Jake. Description was good also but you can make it better.

The only complaint I got about your story is that the shell of your nut was way bigger that the fruit inside. You made me expect much more than what you gave me at the end. And this is a big NO in storytelling. Never make the reader expect more than what you can give him.

Good Luck

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

It was a nicely written script, very balanced and very well told; I could easily envision the characters which is always a plus. I did see some small flaws though, like when Jake first enters the confessional box and there's blood on his jacket and you write 'blood?', that was a little off putting. But overall the writing of it was good. The plot, a bit hackneyed, with the confessional I would've LOVED to see something else stemming from the confessional. But you put together in every sense a 'good' piece of work. Congrats and just delve into your imagination more and spice things up.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I love the dilemma that you've created for this man. And the hypocrisy of his actions compared to what he's been telling his son.

Excellent job.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Liked it for the most part. The opening scene really grabbed my interest, great way to start a story, especially one going backward in time to see how he ended up there.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

Feels too much like two different stories. You have Jake in the confessional and fighting the guy in the apartment and then you have him at home with his son. I can see the connection with the Honest Abe comment, but it doesn't really flow together.

The writing is good and I liked the first half, but it dies out at the end.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Written and paced well, but I felt like there were a few loose ends here that never got addressed. Why was he bleeding in the confessional? He was not the one that got stabbed or thrown over the railing, so where'd the blood come from? What does the kid skipping a tutoring session have to do with the story? The family scene seemed irrelevant when all was said and done because we were able to figure out that he was cheating on his wife from his actions in the scene prior. The story had potential, but I felt like it wasn't all connected well enough. We've got a guy bleeding in the confessional, then we've got the same guy stopping an assault in the midst of an affair and then we've got him lecturing his kid. It was almost like 3 seperate miniature stories as opposed to 1 fluid one. Nice writing. I do see what you were going for here, but I just didn't feel like it was executed and tied together as well as it could have been.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was very good indeed. In fact, excellent. I loved the way you picked out details (the bars) and had them in each of the scenes. Loved the juxtaposition between the son's lying and Jake's. Loved the suspense of the confessional - made sense by the end.

Small point - how can you have a silhouette of something surrounded by darkness? There has to be light.

I didn't understand 'You want to pay for another phone?'

Great job!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft is very good. I especially like the way you use imagery (e.g. the motif of the bars).

I enjoyd the opening setup in the confessional, but after I finished the story, that opening didn't work as well for me. It feels like your story has a tone shift. The opening feels almost like a crime thriller, but the ending feels like an intimate drama and I'm not sure you can marry these two together in five pages. For example, I don't believe he would flee the scene (I almost expected him to be a wanted man, to help explain this decision).

In the end, I think the intimate drama is the much more compelling and original element of this story. I love the duality of a father telling his son not to lie and yet living a lie at the same time. I would suggest creating another opening (with less melodrama) that explores that duality.

I hope that made sense.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Great visuals. I especially liked the railing = prison bars, and mesh screen/confessional. A compelling story of "do as I say not as I do" lies and deceit. It is quite obvious through this visual subtext as to what ultimately happens with Jake. Excellent. Worked perfectly for the challenge.

Erenik Beqiri (Level 3)

This was a good read. Interesting story, and the formatting is properly right.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Nice work. I really like the tension of the dad being revealed as a hypocrite, it's a great relationship that works well with the Lincoln quotes. I do think that you can "tighten the noose" a little bit by rewriting the scene where Jake accidentally kills the angry man. I feel like there is still a window for him to escape being discovered...lies that can be told...I think if you created a situation where he is nailed, there is no adequate explanation that he could give his wife, that you could increase the level of "claustrophobia"...the feeling of being trapped by his actions.

Ian Cowell (Level 2)

A good story well told.
Loved the 'prison' images - are they there because he feels improsoned by family life? Or does he believe he's going to prison (there were witnesses weren't there to prove it was self defence)?

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

I have a confession to make.

Your story wasn't good, but it was bad. I'd say fair. There was some odd descriptions and dialogue. But the story as a whole was okay. It seemed like it could have been alot longer, and was just cut down to fit the challenge.

What I found not to be quite right for example was: pg4, The way he peers...gives the illusion... This sentence needs to be redone.

I can understand why some people may go to confession for the 'man's death', but I wouldn't. Jake by all accounts saved that 'woman' from getting killed.

Your story was in reverse, had a story I can follow and was okay.

All the best.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Opening sequence in the confessional is a rich dark beginning to your script. Good action sequence with Jake and the knife welding Man. The visual similes of the confessional screens grated lines, the iron bars of the railing, and shadowy mesh of the screen door are all good devices, that dramatize how ensnared Jake is in his lying cheating ways.

However I found your characterizations are one dimensional I really don’t know much about Jake, Cindy his wife, or Kevin his son. However, they do all have one thing in common as a family. Kevin is a bloody hypocrite, you imply that Cindy is a cheating wife when she says: “I have a meeting tonight, I’ll be late.” And Jake answers: “Again?” Kevin the son is shown as a cheater and a liar.

You showed me the all too familiar dark underside of the fraudulent lives. There is a dramatic story lurking in the shadows here, keep writing!

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Random thoughts:
The opening scene was good. It raised questions as to just what had happened. Is Jake a killer? Who’s dead?

The use of the Abe Lincoln quote was also good but perhaps you could rewrite the first scene so that Jake tells the same quote to the Priest, sort of like a teaser of things to come.

The last scene seemed a bit out of place, as if your whole story is actually two stories starring the same character.

Perhaps you could scratch the scene with Jake’s family and instead show why the Man and Woman were having a domestic. Maybe the Woman is cheating on a Husband (similar to Jake) but now wants to call off the affair, sending the Man into a blind rage. When Jake confronts the Man, he could open his heart about how the Woman doesn’t actually love him etc.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Great script. The characters were nicely dialogued, especially the last (first) scene. The errors of man are always bound to catch up to them when they do not practice what they preach. A good lesson that was very well scripted into the story. The physical confrontation was also well written out, you have good descriptive skills. The beginning scene shows (to me at least) that he resorted to take his chance and lie the way his son did at the end. My only complaint is the priest at the confessional. I feel his dialogue was not priestly like and it did not fit the character well. Aside from that this was a very well written script and I enjoyed it very much.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Your descriptions were beautiful. I loved the comparison of Jake looking through the railing as to him being imprisoned behind bars, and also the view of him through the screen door being similar to that of the confessional. Really lovely.

I think this piece is very strong, but could be even stronger if you connected the action in the story as well as you connected the imagery. I wasn't clear on the situation with Jake's son, but I appreciated the parallel of his son lying to Jake's affair. I was wondering if you could have made the murder more personal to Jake. If he were protecting someone he loved instead of a random woman, perhaps the stakes would be higher. Obviously he is feeling terrible about killing the man, but it was obviously in self defense.

I wasn't sure of the significance of the first scene. Why is it important to the story that Jake go to a confessional and then never confess?

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Quite good. I was intrigued by your play upon the desire for truth. However, I thought that the act of murder drew me away from your theme. I had to re-read the script to make sure that the murder, which appeared to be the central act of the play, actually had little to do with the premise that "truth will out". If you needed something concrete for the confession scene, why not just keep it at adultery and leave more room for character development?

But, hey, a fun read!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I really like this! It's well written. There's action, suspense, drama... Very nice work!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Your script was well written, but felt a bit predictable. I didn't feel enough of Jake's betrayal in the end, and felt betrayed myself for expecting something more exciting than plain infidelity from the opening. I would also like to know where Jake's skill at fighting came from, and maybe some crazy twist would be appropriate to spice it up a bit, like he had known the person he killed and was waiting for the opportunity and excuse to kill him. In such a short space of time, something like that could add more immediacy to this script.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

It started out good. You build some mystery. I was wondering what happened to Jake. What he done that was so terrible and why.

In the second scene we find out that he killed a man. But it was in self defense. Not so terrible. The explanation kind of fits, but it was a bit of a letdown.

The last scene totally lost me. I’m guessing there must be a thematic connection (Jake lies to his wife and his son lies to him as well) but plot wise this last scene felt a bit disconnected with the rest of the tale.

Mike Dominguez (Level 3)

I like how the third scene recasts our perception of what Jake was trying to confess to the priest. I also liked how he had to deal with his son facing a similar issue of cheating. Your descriptions of the action worked well and most of the dialogue sounded very natural. Nice use of the sport coat to indicate what the actual timeline is. One line I was confused about was Jake saying, "You can still walk away" to the man with the knife. Was he going to let this guy escape after threatening the woman? Or did he just want to stop fighting? I would have liked this to have been clearer.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

having Jake begin his confession twice hooked me into the story. in the second scene, I feared for Michelle. then, you put in a twist. which raised my interest level. but, the last scene really threw me. It needs to be tighten up so the subtext comes through clearly. the way it reads, I get a vague impression of the point you're trying to make. on a positive note, it ties back to the beginning well. and, I understood the confession that Jake was making - I thought it was for murder at first.

Nicky Muddle (Level 3)

This is the first Reverse script I have reviewed and it suffers from a problem I suspect will be common. Making the story flow and make sense and payoff while being told in reverse. This script doesn't work for me. The writing is good, the story is good, but the writer has not taken the artifical constraint of telling the story in reverse and written a story that only works that way.

Also it is obvious in the context of this MoviePoet contest that each scene occurs in time before the previous scene but outside of that context readers/viewers may spend some time confused about the timeframe.

This was a very difficult task, I will be interested to see how other writers approach it.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This was very well written, easy to visualize and follow. The usage of no more than two or three sentences at a time works perfect and allows for a quick, fluid read. Other writers would let this clump up in long, unattractive black blocks.

The formatting is fine, everything appears to be in order. I didn't detect any typos.

As far as the story, I don't know, I understand what happened and I get the irony, but I don't know if I get the overall point. Some of it was lost on me.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a good idea and you've got some good scenes and a potentially strong moral dimension. For me it does not quite hang together yet.

The last scene could use tightening up and the way he gets found out might work better if he is less heroic. Also the scene with the Priest seems drawn out without really going anywhere.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The multiple motivating factors for Jake actions are quite well written.

He cheats on his family and commits murder in the process.

My only complaint is that you chose to show him tackle forces outside of the world he is a part of. The man and his wife were just placed in the situation to serve the plot.

Perhaps the man could be Michelle's ex-lover or boyfriend.

The recurring image of prison bars is good thinking and a great visual cue. However do you need to tell us that it reminds you of the confessional? I think a smart audience will draw the connection.

The Abraham Lincoln quote is the crux of the plot and his actions play on those words.

Jake also seems quite capable at defending himself. A job at a school requires such training? If not, a hint at his past might be vital.

A tighter re-write to clear those wispy cobwebs will make this quite a formidable short.

Keep writing.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Loved the double meaning throughout the conversation with Kevin, Jake and Cindy.

I thought your story was really good, your lead character was very strong and I felt sympathy for him, the guilt he must feel would be awful. And also how hyprocritcal he was with his son. It all made for a very compelling read.

I was a little unsure of why Jake ran out of the confessional at the beginning (end).

This was a quick read, and a nice reveal of the layers to the story.

Concept Very Good
Dialog Very Good
Title Good
Characters Very Good
Story Very Good

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Good use of images, the grate on the confessional, the screen door, the bars that looked like jail. A good morality tale. A nice twist to have the Jake admonishing Kevin for Jake's sins. You also set up a situation where the reader feels additional tension at the end knowing that his confession to the priest is going to be a piece of cake compared to the confession to his family. Good job.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This just felt like a story told backwards. I don't think it worked particularly well in reverse and I think that was the challenge this month.

The story itself is pretty good but the whole family scene at the end didn't really work too well for me. It didn't have a lot to do with the main story so it seemed a bit pointless. Poigant yeah, but in a 5 page script I'd lose poigancy for more story.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

Too much description slows down the action, and the story asks for speed - precisely in the parts where there is more description. The first and last scenes also could be shorter. They give the sensation that they don't accomplish as much as they should for the space they take.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

Great story,
I would have copied and pasted my favorite lines here for you, but your PDF is in image format and un-copy-able :-) (Clever)
I really liked the way all the elements came together and that Jake was there to confess infidelity, not murder, which as it turns out, was justifiable homicide.

I also liked the enigma of Jake, dispensing advice he doesn't follow. All good characters have two distinct sides of their personality,
and it's always interesting to see how and under what conditions these manifest.

I also like the way you revealed his marriage and family dynamic

Very Good!

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Not bad. The ending dialogue seemed like a little too melodramatic. Other than that I thought the writing was very good and the story altogether was nicely done.

William Flink (Level 3)

I had a little hard at first imagining the visuals of the man surrounded by darkness, and a screened opening partially illuminating Jake - It could be my english that's lacking, I had to read it three times.

I liked the places you've set each scene, especially the apartment house, and I liked that scene as well, I really did feel as if I was watching the movie my self - the script is nicely written. Great dialogue as well, it feels very real.

I felt the two family scenes were quite long though, and I felt the story became less interesting, I kept trying to find a connection between Cindy and the murder at first, then I tried to find a reason to why the Kevin took so much space in the script. I did get the feeling that kevin knew about Jake and Michelle though.
I feel like I wanted a connection to the murder and not just finding out that this was a man cheating on his wife.

Comments Made After the Contest

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 11/2/2008 6:45 PM

Hi Rick,
Just wanted to say I enjoyed your story!!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 11/11/2008 2:43 PM

I also wanted to stop in and let you know that I thought you should have received higher marks. Well-woven story!

Cheyenne Diehl (Level 1) ~ 10/27/2009 8:26 PM

Hello Rick, this is Cheyenne. I was in Mrs. Balmer's class when you visited yesterday. I really enjoyed your visit and I hope you can come back.

I felt this story was very involved, almost too involved, to explain in five pages. I understand that Cindy and Jake are married, Jake is what seems to be a guidance counselor, and they have a son, Kevin. Jake is having an affair with Michelle and I think Kevin might be suspicious and might know about the affair.

At first, it seems that Jake is in Confession to reveal the murder, which was self-defense, but in reality, he is confessing the infidelity.

Kevin seemed like a bit of an after thought. There wasn't much explanation about him and he seemed like a filler. I did pick up that Kevin is a rebellious teenager and that he lied about going to his friend's house and went to the movies.

A different view would be that Kevin was part of the dysfunctional family and that was what you were attempting to get across, a dysfunctional family.

Very complex and involved. I was a tad bit disappointed at the end. You opened with this murder, confession, and infidelity and after that it was a little uneventful compared to the first scene. You made the story seem larger than it ended up being.