Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I like the twist toward the end as I was hoping this wasn't going to be as straight forward as it first appeared.

It would have been even more interesting though to have a scene from the perspective of the "policeman" so that if he wasnt a true cop it would have ended up reversing the roles as they are first shown.

I think as a whole this story is pretty tight and fairly good. The only issue I might suggest is the continuity of Jenkins reaching to his glove compartment seems uneven in the last few scenes.

A decent story though. Good job.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Great suspense. Just the right amount of mystery to keep me engaged without being confusing. Excellent construction. I kept wondering if policemen were allowed to use that language because they aren't in my state. I learned why at the end.

Very well organized. My personal preference: Less of the FASHIONABLY used F word. Your story is still powerful without it. Who hears it after 3 times?

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Nice story. Good action. Kept me reading. Some of the dialogue needed to be trimmed of. Like this one
"That’s an unmarked car, you can buy
one at a police auction,"// This part is good
then outfit it with lights and sirens."// this is unnecessary

There were a lot of dialogue for a short script in yours. You should keep the balance between action and dialogue in your script unless you have a very good reason not to do so. Writing the title of your script in every page is a big NO in this business. Get ride of it. You seems to know a lot about police work that gave your story a nice reality touch. Keep the good work.

Good luck

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

Very, very good, I have no complaints. Great job.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

There is a high degree of implausibility in this script that keeps me from giving it a better score. I can't fathom that a police officer wouldn't know how to talk to one of his colleagues in a way that would let him know who he is. And although you saved that for a nice surprise at the end, it just ultimately means that the whole thing doesn't add up.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Not sure why you chose to put this on two separate lines:
He’s riddled with bullet-holes and...
...is clearly dead.
But it took me out of the story when I saw it.

Was "Thunderous echoes off the walls and street!" supposed to just be thunder?

I think you spent to much time with the interactive between the cop and the person in the car, I kept waiting for it to end, but it just going on and on.
Seemed like you were in a rush to write this, have a good story, but some simple stuff like that kept it back.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

I saw the ending coming, but it was still a fun trip to get there.

Good use of overlapping the scenes to give us little bits to keep us wondering.

So, was Taylor really a cop? I don't think so because of when he says "Don't shoot, you're right" but I'm not completely sure.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Written and paced pretty well. Some of the dialogue didn't read very naturally. As it turns out the twist at the end made the story unbelievable for me. If we are to believe Jenkins was a detective, then we can only assume he'd be smart enough to not jump out of his car on a traffic stop waving a pistol and telling the other cop he was going to kill him. I felt like that was a huge fundamental flaw in the story that really made the whole story seem unbelievable. Oddly enough, I felt like a double switcheroo would have actually worked though. If we were to learn that Jenkins is a detective and then learn that Taylor actually was NOT a cop, but was in fact some sort of deranged lunatic impersonating a cop, I think this could have been excellent because the flaw that hurt it for me would be erased. Jenkin's actions could then be justified because he was correct in assuming Taylor to be a fake cop. Anyway, nice effort, a rewrite could really polish this one and let it shine.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Boy, there are a lot of shootings in this month's contest! I'll try not to hold it against you!

You set the scene very well, and I thought it was a very good story idea BUT I couldn't understand why on earth Jenkins wouldn't say he was an undercover cop, instead of carrying on with all the muthafucker stuff. There would have been plenty he could have said just to stop the situation.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Interesting story, nicely written. However, it fails a bit in the execution. I have a very difficult time believing that the detective would let it get that far if the guy pulling him over is a real cop. And it isn't quite clear whether he is or not.

I expected Jenkins was a cop, however, did not anticipate the possibility that Taylor really wasn't. Think it would really up this a notch to add one more scene about Taylor faking the police thing - maybe show him in his room with Nazi flags ordering a police uniform on E-bay. Would be very creepy and telling.

All-in-all good job, think you could go a lot further though if we know who Taylor is or what his motivation might be.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft and style are great. This all feels very authentic. It reminded me of the movie "Crash".

My only complaint is, I saw the twist coming at the end from a mile away. Perhaps, I'm in the minority, but it did a take away a bit of the impact.

Still, I like how yo play with the stereotypes and the subtext in the dialogue is wonderful.

Very well done.

David Birch (Level 5)

well written...story concept fit the contest parameter nicely...just a tiny bit predictable...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

So, was the policeman real, or fake? What case was Jenkins on that would make him so paranoid? This leaves me with entirely too many questions. The writing was good with the visuals and action, especially the first scene. The dialogue was pretty good also. I just wish there were more of a story.

Erenik Beqiri (Level 3)

Nice read. I liked the characters of Taylor and Jenkins, it was well constructed. In reverse it works for me.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

A nice twist in there. I see your vision with this one and it's nice...

Here's the problem I had, and it's more of a concept thing than a writing issue...I just have a hard time suspending my disbelief to the point that officer Jenkins doesn't tell the other cop that he's a cop too.

I know, it's kid of a nitpick, but I think this may be a case of dragging a character toward a twist, whether they want to go or not.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

A great story with wonderful descriptions. This truely should finish in the top three. I just hope after reading your script, that I've taken a shade of your talent to help mould me into a better writer.

All the best.

Javier

John Brooke (Level 5)

You’ve written hardboiled poetry in motion here. Telling the story backwards does play hell with a reader’s initial assumption. The macho standoff language and brutal behavior made me wonder about “Serve and Protect!” Clean formatting and sparse language with lean actions set a fast pace and kept me hooked to the end. The title seems flat for this action packed myth. Good work!

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Completely awesome script. The showdown is an example of the unfortunate reality of our times. This script was very well written and executed. The dialogue was on point as each character was powerfully personified with good verbiage and action. I would love to see this script made into a short film. Would do great at festivals and screenings. I really enjoyed the last scene’s revelation which was a complete shocker and I liked the way you employed the Scene in Reverse. Job Very Well done!!!

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Interesting. Kind of reminded me of "Crash". I'm glad you didn't go with the stereotype, but the twist at the end had to be that the "gangster" was a good guy. I'm not sure why he resisted so much. I was hoping we would understand why he thought the "police officer" wasn't who he said he was. Nice job telling a story in reverse!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Fantastic, very interesting, wonderfully woven and paced. I was very impressed with the identity reversal as the story moved on.

Two plot concerns that I have revolve around Taylor's motivation and Jenkins' reaction. What motive could Taylor possibly have for running around at night impersonating a police officer? Is he trying to score with women, looking to rob old people, bored with life? Give me a reason, and his character will jump to life. And isn't Jenkins surprisingly hot-headed for a detective? As soon as he knows that Taylor isn't a cop, why blurt it out before reaching for the cell phone. As a trained police officer, wouldn't his reaction be to talk Taylor away from his car slowly, to gain the upper hand in the encounter?

But, hey, clear up those two questions for me and you've got a solid winner. Excellent.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Great script, using the reverse theme to create a believable twist. Good job.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Very intense! This is well written and intriguing. Everything ties together just right. It's a stand alone piece... It's just really, really good!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I liked the twist at the end of this story. I am confused about Taylor though. Was he a real cop? If he wasn't, who was he? That part was fuzzy to me.

The writing was good, the action lines were tight and the story moved quickly. I just wish I saw more of Taylor's side of the story. You show us who Jenkins really is, like I said...great twist. But who was Taylor? Real cop or imposter?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked how you played on the audience's stereotypes at the beginning. I would be interested to know why someone would impersonate a policeman in order to pull over someone. Stealing their car or identity is all I could think of, but that isn't very exciting. And, on the other hand, if he was a cop, why would Jenkins be reluctant to hand over his identification? I'm not saying it needs to be made absolutely clear, but it shows how engrossed I am in the story. I like how contained it is.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Well written, good dialogue, good attempt at a twist but I think the story is flawed. Why would Jenkins reach for his gun before even mentioning that he's a cop. It strikes me as a pretty stupid thing to say, especially given that he's a cop and he knows all about these situations. He'd put himself in Taylor's shoes and see that he's taking a huge and unnecessary risk.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Finally one that worked nicely in reverse. Well done. The only issue I had about this was the cop's reluctance to show id. I guess it's feasible but IMO a cop would show id if asked unless - for some reason - they were unable to show it.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

I truly enjoyed the assumptive nature of time working backwards without overlapping exposition. You had the right amount of clues to keep me from getting confused. And, ended it with a surprise - I like it.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Good twist at the end, solid use of the reverse-story format. I like how each successive scene reveals just a bit more of the story & characters, very well done. Format and style are good.

Story has some believability problems. Would Jenkins really get in a violent confrontation, then a gunfight, with Taylor when he could just reveal he's an undercover cop? I can understand him being angry at the cop's racist attitude, and giving some attitude back, but when it gets to the point of pulling guns on each other ...

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is well written and the visuals of the shootout and aftermath are particularly good. However for me the story plays out quite implausibly.

I'm not sure that an American Police Officer would allow someone who has reached for a gun to get out of the car before shooting. And I think a cop would probably identify himself. With these two elements it feels like a stretch to me.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Nice twist. Liked this one a lot. I really enjoyed the pacing and the way you used the placement of words on the page for dramatic effect. Not enough scripts use this, so you clearly know the craft. I got a little confused in the chronology of scenes from the first Stopped scene to when he finishes talking on the cell phone. Did that need to be a new scene? My only issue is how Jenkins spoke to Taylor. In my opinion, regardless of what Taylor was, if Jenkins was an undercover cop, he wouldn't mouth off to Taylor and draw a weapon like that. The pay off twist worked for me but I was a little let down by the set up leading up to it. Maybe change the dialogue to be a little more repressed anger and use double-meanings to exude the friction and highten the drama. It's a good read. Thanks for sharing this piece.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This immediately reminded me of "Crash". The reveal is quite good though and the escalation is written quite well.

The theme of reversal could have been more effective if it was set in different locations though. Right now the only thing going in favor of the reverse technique is the reveal that Jenkins is a cop too.

To me this is essentially one long scene as soon as he is pulled over except the opening.

I did wonder a few times why Jenkins spoke in the way he did. But Taylor's spite and cruel mannerisms added to the others anger.

The descriptions are over shadowed by your dialog which is quite good, especially Jenkins.

If you re-write this by showing us a bit of exposition into Taylor's mood it might really help a lot. Right now his actions aren't justified in the context of the story. It just seems cliched and forced.

Great pacing though.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Very good strong story. I liked the reveal at the end. I thought both characters were very strong. I'm not sure it's totally believable that they wouldn't know each other from the police force. Surely they are aware of who is who?

However it did come as a surprise when we find out that Jenkins is a cop. And the story's pace was good and it was a pretty visual read. No extra words to slow it down.

Good strong dialogue and the reverse part was very well done. I think you could work on the title. Make it stronger. Just leave the word Encounter out and it makes it much stronger to me. I'm weird about titles.. LOL.. not that I'm an expert by any means, but I know that a good title is very important.

Concept Very Good
Story Very Good
Characters Excellent
Title Fair
Dialog Very Good

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Good story. This one was much more compelling backward than it would have been forward. I think you made the right choice. I like how you introduced the information slowly along the way. I also like how you restate the line "think he'll cut the brother a break" since the meaning changes to the reader between the two scenes.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was really good. Great dialogue and a really good story. My one complaint is the believability of the outcome. I mean, you hinted at a bit of racism from the uniformed cop but I'm not so sure this would end in a bloodbath. Still, a really good script. Well done. Really fit the challenge well.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I like how this twisted and the unexpected ending - but something is definitely missing and it's hard to put my finger on it. Maybe it was the stereo-typing, or the lengthy dialog I just wasn't buying it, neither of them acted like real cops. Still, good story, good job.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I can not understand why Rashod never tells Bob that he is a cop, when, in real life, that is the first thing that would happen. I also find that the exposition is too evident - the dialogues need a lot of work.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

The dialogue dragged a little bit. and I really didn't like the story. It was completely illogical as to why Jenkins would just open fire on a fellow cop like that. The guy is a perfectly cool guy in the beginning, but he just feels like reaching for the gun repeatedly and pissing off a cop like that? Come on.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/1/2008 6:59 AM

I was glad to discover this was yours. I really like the way you write and I'm looking forward to reading more of your stories.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2008 8:45 PM

Hi Paul,

I gave you top marks, and it's a shame you din't get placed.

All the best for next time.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2008 11:18 PM

Thanks Chris and Javier, and to all who reviewed and commented, I really appreciate it.

Sometimes I'm curious as to what the writer really tried to convey, so to anyone out there who cares:

Taylor is NOT a cop. There's these wackos out there who impersonate police officers, and some have inferiority complexes, couldn't become real cops, etc. It actually happens more than you'd think. I also tried to add hints of Taylor's racism, him coming into the ghetto, looking to mess with people, he just picked the wrong guy.

Jenkins does try numerous times to tell Taylor he's a cop. When his hand wanders twice towards the console, it's to retrieve his badge. Then he tries twice to explain it, but Taylor cuts him off.

I'm always bad with titles and this was the best I could come up with.

P.S.- Sasha, thanks for picking up on that and commenting, you got it 100%. You also got it exactly right on my last script, "Old College Try." These two things, no one else commented on, so thank you very much for that, good job!

Sasha Clancy (Level 4) ~ 11/4/2008 9:46 AM

Paul, Thanks for the shout-out. I really enjoyed both of your scripts. FYI, in So Cal, they just had a fake cop (fake uniform, fake badge, flashing lights, etc.) incident last week with a woman on a desolate highway. Fortunately she figured out something was wrong before it turned out horribly and she was able to get away from him. But, they're still looking for him. Yes, it does happen more than people want to think about.

I really like your writing style and look forward to reading more of your shorts!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 11/11/2008 2:36 PM

Boy, oh, boy. Look how close you came to placing. I believe you deserved a place for this one: it had me totally enthralled, even with a couple clean-up issues that other reviewers have highlighted. Great job, and keep it up!

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 11/12/2008 12:46 PM

Hey Kyle, thanks for reading and commenting on my script. I really appreciate it.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4) ~ 2/10/2009 2:23 PM

Liked it. Just don't get why he didn't just tell the cop he was cop right away instead of continuing to talk in the fake gangster voice and act real shady. I guess it was for dramatic purposes.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 2/12/2009 4:39 PM

Thanks for the read, Tim. The answers to your questions are posted a few spots above. I need to rewrite parts of this that were obviously unclear to some folks, but just haven't gotten around to it. Thanks again for your thoughts.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5) ~ 2/13/2009 10:22 AM

I'm a bigger fan of your other monthly script about the kids, but it is clear that you're a talented writer.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 2/14/2009 2:26 PM

Thanks Jeannie, welcome to the site. I look forward to reading some of your material.

Martin Jensen (Level 5) ~ 5/12/2009 2:11 PM

Life imitates art:
tinyurl.com/of5mmo

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 5/12/2009 8:30 PM

Martin dug deep for that one. That is seriously bizarre. Paul, now we know that no script scenario or wackjob is too outlandish.

Did you notice that in the news story, the incriminating video evidence was actually found in the impersonator's own car! What a doofus.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 5/13/2009 9:50 PM

Yeah, this actually happens more than people think and occasionally, as in the article and my story, the victim is an off-duty cop.

Crazy world...

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 7/19/2009 9:58 PM

I put up a re-write of this. I've been emailing back and forth with a film-maker who might be interested in directing it and this re-write is an attempt to address some of the comments left by reviewers.

I'd appreciate anybody giving it a re-read or for anyone who didn't read it the first time, if they wouldn't mind taking a look.

Thanks!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 7/20/2009 9:33 AM

Paul, I loved this one the first time I read it, so I'm clearly biased.

I think that you've really cleared up a lot of questions from other folks, and the flow is really easy.

I do wonder about that three-dialogue scene on page two, though, whether that's really necessary. Here's what I mean: the shootout happened the millisecond before you cut into them yelling at each other. That's a de-escalation of violence. I think what you need is to cut out of the firefight into a really calm scene, give us a chance to slow our breathing, show the difference between the situation's beginning and its end. So those three lines of dialogue, in my opinion, need to be at the end of the following scene, showing the escalation of tension THERE before going back to Jenkins' voicemail message. That way, you can also have a straight cut from Jenkins yelling on the cellphone to Jenkins talking nice and sexy on the phone. I think that simple movement of dialogue will really make the cuts jump, and keep the reader on board as we continue to move backwards in time.

Great job!

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 7/22/2009 3:32 PM

Hey Kyle, thanks for liking this script and for commenting again.

You're right about that dialogue scene. The abundance of dialogue in this script always bothered me, but I wanted to tell the story in real-time, the entire five minutes of the vehicle stop.

Thanks again, bro.