Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Nice crime story. It was good to keep me wondering "who did it?" Good work on that. There are only few things that may need fixing. I felt a bit lost while reading your script. I think it's coherence problem you got there. The relation between your characters was unclear. The other thing is that you didn't make root to any of your characters. What did you mean by the title? I couldn't get it.

Good luck

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I like that we didn't know who the murderer was until the very end...that's a great way to use the reverse order sequence.

I hate to sound like the grammar police, but you've got some very careless mistakes in your script...mostly words missing...and that means the reader has to do some extra work to make sense of the dialogue. That's an unfair burden on the reader, and needs to be watched carefully.

My only other picky issue is that if Darlene thought her mother was sleeping with Roy, then why was she so willing to accept comfort from her mother? And what does the title mean? As far as I could tell, there's no Jerry in the story.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

BIG EARL
(to Darlene)
Darlene Sullivan, you're under
arrest for your husband’s murder.

Try and cut back on the '(to Someone)' parts of dialogue, especially when they say the name of the person they are talking to.

If the scene revolves around one person, you could go without the 'SUPER: NAMES'. It's a nice visual touch, but it might turn off some readers.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

I guess the title is a reference to Jerry Springer? Only connection I can make to the rest of the story. Definitely captured that feel. Just needs a transvestite midget.


I'm undecided on this one. I didn't enjoy it, but I'm trying to re-read it for what it is. Or what I think it might be. It's a lot better when I think of it in the Springer context. But I'm also finding myself comparing it to John Waters. He has trashy people doing funny and interesting things. These people didn't interest me much at all.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I'm guessing the title is in reference to Jerry Springer, but it didn't really work for me because Jerry Springer and his show didn't really figure in to the plot except as a very minor detail. The pacing was good and the formatting was fine, but you can skip the DISSOLVES because scene transitions will be left to the director. The story itself didn't quite add up. If Sully tampered with the pills, why would Avis admit to killing him? And how did Darlene's prints end up all over the pill bottle if she was not the one responsible? Those loose ends prevented everything from coming together as neatly as I think it could have but overall, this was a solid script. Good work.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

What is a humble cemetary?

Anyway, i think this is a decent story. Not amazing. But not horrible. I think if developed differently it could be grand. Not sure about it how it is now though.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The title was a bit confusing at first until I got to the Jerry Springer reference. I guess nearly everyone has seen a Jerry Springer Show? Not me - but at least I have some idea. Be wary of references that might pass some people by!

I liked the twists and turns of this story, and the way the ending revealed the plot so neatly and quite unexpectedly. I got a good feel for the characters from your dialogue and descriptions. Well done.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great title.

So, Sully killed Roy and framed Darlene. I'm just not sure why. Also, I'm not sure that I care that much. I don't really like any of these characters. I'm not sure who I should be rooting for or against.

I think you have two choices with a story like this. Go for reality and add some depth and dimensionality to these characters or go bigger and broader and play with the "black" comedy.

As it is now, it falls somewhere in the middle and I'm left wanting a bit more.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

A trailer park trash mystery. Good use of stereotypical dialogue. A quick and easy read, I thought it was good but there was nothing to indicate the motivation for Sully to tamper with the pills and kill his own brother. But then again who can tell the reasons for what trailer folk do, and who really cares? (unless it's funny)

Erenik Beqiri (Level 3)

Well done. I read it and like it alot.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

What can I say? The story raises more questions than answers. We have Avis admitting to a murder, Darlene holding a weapon, and Sully looking into a medicine cabinet. Who did it?

Plus why did Darlene tell Sully to leave? It doesn't sound right. How did she end up beaten? Why did Roy take medication when he was drunk on whiskey? Was liver poisoning the actual killer? Or was it Vicar in the library with the candle-stick?

Plus, how many, commas, can you, squeeze into a teeny weeny, script?

There are errors, and there are mistakes.

The story was okay to a point. As a suggestion, leave out all these commas, and re-read your script for missing words. And y'all & ya'll are in there.

All the best.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Where the Hell is Jerry in all this script? Well, I am really aging fast; did I miss the relevance of the title? On the nose dialog is stilted and the characters really didn’t project their personalities to me. The revesal of beginning at the end worked very for this tale. I didn’t feel anything uplifting in this story from its sick beginning to its surprise sordid ending. If that’s what you intended to portray, congratulations, you have succeeded in spades.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Cool script. Murder mystery set in a trashy world and told backwards...cool indeed. The script does suffer from two issues though. One is lack of proof reading. There are several errors that could have been caught. The other is the characters, there are no differences in personality and they all sound the same. The story is great and I feel that if these issues are addressed in a rewrite you will end up with a great one.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Fun mystery. Interesting characters, although very stereotypical. It was easy to guess Sully did it because he was the only one not blamed (either him or the Sheriff, but that really would have been a shock). I would have liked an explanation as to why Darlene's fingerprints were all over the pills. It would have been great to have a scene where Roy dropped then and she picked them up or something.
I was hoping this story might take me somewhere I hadn't been before, but it all seemed very familiar.

Kathy Thomas (Level 3)

I really liked the story and I think that it was interesting way of telling it. I liked the super impose of each character it was an very interesting way of separating the story. I liked the characters and that they were different from each other in speech and as well as action. I like that Darlene black eye was a device used to show that the story was going backwards. I think the only problem I had with this story was the ending or beginning, which ever way you look at it. I felt it was slapped on, though Sully had a lot of motives to kill his brother, I think the woman had more motives and opportunity. Other than that I thought was well thought out and well written.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Well crafted. I thought the "Supers" at every scene were an intriguing touch. I'm not sure if the "Super: Roy" worked for me, since that scene seemed to be more about the living than the dead, but certainly a fun way to go about the scene in reverse theme.

It might have just been me, but I thought that Sully was slipping in and out of accent during his dialogue: at times he sounded like trailer trash along with the women, but sometimes his words sounded crisp and clean. It seemed distracting since I wasn't sure if he was meant to be a confused character.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

You had some extra words in a few places and some missing words in others. Not a big deal, but proof read one more time than you did.

Who's Jerry?

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

There was a nice twist in the end that it really was Sully not Avis or Darlene that did him in. I felt like the story didn't go back in time, but by the end of the story, I started to realize it did. It was just a bit unclear.
Concept: Good
Dialogue: Fair
Characters: (just a tad bit flat) Fair
Story: Good
Overall nice read.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was definately Jerry's World. A Trailer Park Soap Opera.

I didn't really get it though. Avis is Darlene's mother, and she's doing Roy who is Darlene's husband? So that's why they get in the fight. But what's up with Sully? He's poking Darlene? And what was up with him checking out the prescription drugs?

I did enjoy your writing. Great character descriptions. Especially love "a beer-bellied bubbah". Great dialog too.

In the end there were just too many questions about the story for me to score you hgiher than a GOOD.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I loved how the audience's expectations were thwarted at every jump back in time. You revealed new information beautifully, each time leading me to a different conclusion. I also appreciated the plain description, which helped greatly in following the plot, as well as the continuity check of Darlene's black eye. It feels as if the backward revelations follow from the story, rather than being forced, for which I must rate this highly.

I missed the relevance of the title - there was no character named Jerry?

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Solid story and good writing but doesn't quite work as a whodunnit. I think you needed more pages to establish motives for each. It feels like a bigger story crammed into five pages.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

So... Sully was banging Darlene and killed Roy. I can understand that (assuming I got this correctly) but what I can’t understand is why did Sully framed Darlene (assuming he did).

I’m quite confused by the storyline, as you can tell, so I haven’t got much criticism to offer. Sorry.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought this was an interesting presentation. The beginning started out nicely believable then then middle started sounding a bit like a Jerry Springer episode and lost all of its credibility. I'm not too sure about the ending because I don't really see a motive - but I might have missed it.

Mike Dominguez (Level 3)

Good use of the black eye to show the regression of time. I also liked Avis confessing to protect her daughter in order to throw us off the trail. I would have liked a few more subtle hints at Sully's affection for Darlene. It seems like the motive was brought in so late that the twist at the end didn't have the impact it could have. In the graveyard he could have tried to console her. In the sheriff's office at least he was trying to protect her, but I think it could have pushed the edge more in terms of suggesting that they were more than friends.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

A creative way to tell a story in reverse - using different character's points of view. You surprised me with the ending - revealing sully as the killer. I was hooked into thinking Avis did it. the whole story I wondered what you would do to surprise. then, you did it. take time to do one more round of proofreading (to insert one missing words). I did enjoy the dialect you gave the characters - made them real.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This was a little of a difficult read for me, probably due to the number of characters, the dialog style and a few of the typos throughout.

I'll overlook all the crazy police procedure, even for a nedneck town, and how they investigate a murder.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I like the idea of doing a character by character sequence. The story here goes through a number of steps and it hangs together. For me though I don't know if this had a hook to get me turning (or scrolling) the pages. There is some intrigue but not a mystery that I really want to know the answer to.

"Come to pay your respects, Sher#i#f?"

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Took me a bit to get the title but when it clicked - it felt right. Dead on depiction of the stereotype and its drama. Excellent character descriptions and an entertaining read. I admired the simple yet solid structure and crystal clear resolution. My only constructive comment is that it reads as pure stereotype across the board. No one is unique and no one's actions are uncharacteristic. Everything happens as you expect it would and usually a producer will look for a script that tells a familiar story in a unique way or there will be a unique character that we haven't seen before in a setting like this. Still, I found this well-written and a strong response to the challenge. Nice work.

Rubina Rose (Level 2)

Liked the script.
Overall basics of the script are well handled.

Character description is well handled in most scenes.
Giving little more scene description would have enhanced
the mood of the script.

Heavily punched and rated dialogues set the right ambience
for the script.

Quote:"AVIS
He needed a killing.
(to Darlene)
I did it for you."Unquote

Nice one... anticipating more in future from this scriptwriter.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

A lot of characters with multiple conflicts takes away from the focus of the story.Too much for 5 pages.

The use of parenthesis to reveal who the character is talking to doesn't work quite well.

For example,
------------
AVIS
(to Darlene)
Don't cry, honey. You be a thousand
times better off without that rat
bastard.
(to Sully)
Roy deserved to die, ain't that
right, Sully?
--------------
If she mentions Sully's name in the dialog then you don't need the cue in the parenthesis.

Interesting technique using the characters names supered as some scenes began. I think it worked quite well actually.

I think your idea was to take a Jerry Springer type of scenario and give it a film twist making it melodramatic.

The plot actually hurts a bit going in reverse because the only clue about his murder comes in the last scene and you give us a probable cause for each of the people to kill him.

Except we never have a scene with Roy alive and Avis fighting with him.

The clue about them having a relation also was good.

This needs a bit of tinkering with structure and spacing out of the character introductions that are bunched on the first page.

Not a bad premise but the execution took getting used to.

Keep writing.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This was a little confusing to me. The story was hard to follow, maybe because it was a 'reverse' story.

The characters were all so unlikeable that it was hard to know who to root for and even Darlene turned out to be not so innocent either, so it's hard to even care about her miserable life.

I suppose the title is in reference to Jerry Springer, so that fits, because that's what it felt like, a Jerry Springer show. But I really don't like Jerry Springer.. LOL..

I feel wrung out after reading it, so you did make an impact.

Concept Fair
Title Very Good
Dialog Good
Story Fair
Characters Fair

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Interesting story. I think you were trying to cover a lot of ground in a short amount of space. I think it would work well to add some to it to fully explore the relationships since they are obviously quite convoluted and interconnected. Good, concise descriptions when you introduce the characters.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Not sure I enjoy this backward thing. Anyway, after some thought, I believe you story does follow a nice chronology that can be traced backwards. Good job.

The opening character descriptions seemed quick and with some for thought might be made a bit deeper. This might also help set the tone quicker and deeper for this story. I did feel your character gave up to quick. You could lose this and the story would still work.

At one spot I noticed some words in the dialogue that also seemed backwards and that made me stop and have to reread the dialogue to get it. Overall, nice job.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Technically, this was one of the better scripts this month. I liked the way you had each scene going back and explaining each character, that worked well.

The story and characters were lacking a little though. They seemed quite stereotype.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

The story is not bad, but I think it is missing some information regarding the mtoivation for the murder - I asume there is one here. Without that, it is hard to empatice with any of the characters. I mean, yes, Roy seems to be quite a despicable dude, but what you show here does not grant to have him wacked.

Comments Made After the Contest

Tommy Merry (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2008 2:33 AM

Hi Sylvia, after some of your comments on the board I had to track down your script and read it. Sorry I didn't come across it in last months reviews (I did over 30).

Anywhoo, fun read. And you said you didn't like mushy love stories?

"beer-bellied bubbah" - - One of the most enduring lines ever written ;-)

All the best!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2008 3:24 PM

Thanks Tommy, this script was certainly not my best effort - it was a throw-away cliche that I wrote quickly as an exercise because I loved the "reverse" concept and didn't have any brilliant ideas. In spite of its failings and weak characters, I had fun writing it. Many readers did not get the "Jerry" reference, some of the "typos" were an intentional (and apparently unscuccessful) attempt at dialect/slang, and a few readers even missed the motive. I sure did enjoy reading this month's entries - even though business travel limited my internet access and I didn't get to as many as I would have liked. Aloha!

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 11/2/2008 11:24 AM

Sylvia, your writing never fails to impress me. It's great to hear a writer just flat-out having fun writing. It shows in your work.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 11/3/2008 5:12 AM

Two things:

A) This can be made on a very mediocre budget and actors would love the over the top dialogs.

B) I'd say if this is gonna be produced, use video, go for the Jerry Springer Show vibe and perhaps even have a live audience watch this White trash Soap thriller.

Loved the use of titles and style in this one. It did take getting used to, but that worked in its favor as it is also quite memorable.