Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I never got absorbed into the story because it just felt so disjointed that it never complettely captured my attention. That said, this appears to be a response to a prior script submitted by someone here.

I don't know if this is the orginal writer of that script or not, but if it is I'm curious if it is a jab at anyone's reviews of said script.

Unfortunately, the story just doesn't work for me. The dialogue is weak and on the nose and the response by the characters to the discovery of pedophiliac pictures just seems out of place.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I will consider this script as a delayed comment on the candy land's reviews. There was nothing interesting about this story but a relation with a previous submission in this site. It means there is nothing interesting about this story for non-moviepoets. We should write for every one not for us. There is also the lack of any twist, character development, or any essential element for a successful story. But you are a pretty good story as a storyteller nonetheless.

Good luck

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

lol Ah, the vindictiveness of fellow writers!

Perhaps there could be a level added between the two women and Ned. Had he come to the meeting to share news about an award? About winning a moviepoet.com competition? I think having a short scene or even a sentence in there that would put him on a pedestal temporarily might motivate the women to want to knock him down.

Nice work.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

I'm sure they'll be alot of "you don't need the SUPER's" comments. Given the nature of the contest, we know the scenes are going in reverse. And was this a script about MoviePoet? That's what I got from the ending. Not sure what it all means though. It made me more confused after wards and frustrated, it made me feel this was more of a commentary than story.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Written and formatted well but I'm not sure the story had the effect you were looking for. The guy writes a screenplay in very poor taste then a couple people from his group turn him in. To me, there seemed to be a lot of fundamental flaws in the script's logic... The main one being the "crime" he committed... Barely-legal is still legal and scantily clad is still clad. By those standards, any dad with a picture of his teenage daughter & her friends at a beach is guilty of the same crime. Additionally, I think the justice department would require more than 2 nosy ladies word to issue a search warrant on the guy. There's something called Probable Cause and I highly doubt the script he wrote would merit it, because like he even mentioned in the story, he's protected under Freedom of Speech. For this script to have any basis in reality, the law enforcement agency, the prosecuting attorney, the jury and the judge would all have to completely disregard this guy's constitutional rights to free speech and be okay with subjecting him to illegal search and seizure. I just don't think that's all too realistic, which made it incredibly hard for me to get in to this story. Nevertheless, the writing, formatting and flow were all good so I still gave the script a Good despite the fundamental legal problems I noted. Nice job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Well, I wonder who this could be by? I can only assume, unless it's some very clever double-bluff - but then why would anyone else bother? - that this is by Neal Barringer. So much for anonymity! My initial reaction is 'Let it go, Neal...'

I'm at a loss to understand whether this is you trying to be humourous, or it is written as a bitter attack on those who gave CandyLand such a horrified reception, and/or is a justification of yourself. Testing the value of MoviePoet?

NED
I wrote this to test the value of
the site. This piece is meant to
alarm and disgust. What I’ll
discover is whether I get rated for
my craft or for the subject matter.

This script, craft-wise, was actually a lot better than Candy Land, which I judged to have started off well, but got weak at the end - as I said in my review.

As for being judged on content - I judged the content of Candy Land in so far as the genre (sappy comedy?) didn't match the content (sick, underage paedophile sex, as practised by a father)

As for Candy Land Reprieve...well, I spend a great deal of time reviewing scripts for MoviePoet, in fact I have reviewed every script in every contest. The reason I do it is because (for what it's worth) I want to support writers who are trying to develop their work, and who have written something that they hope to make into a film - or hope that someone will make into a film. Candy Land Reprieve certainly doesn't fit the latter category and, I would surmise, your reasons for writing it hadn't very much to do with developing your craft (although, in fairness, you DID stick to the parameters of the contest) For that reason, I felt as though I was wasting my time - no, YOU were wasting my time.

And particularly wasting the time of people who didn't read Candy Land so will be wondering what on earth you're talking about.

Assuming this is Neal - you are a good writer. (I gave your Poe a Very Good and Dusty's Doghouse a Good) Why not put those skills to better use, and accept that Candy Land missed the mark in very many ways?

For your information, craft-wise, I have given this a Good. But you still wasted my time.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Found this amusing, if not a bit self-serving if it turns out to be Neal Barringer as O suspect it is. Found this relatively easy to follow for a reverse script and enjoyable to read, and I even like how it relates back to the site, your entry of Candyland and the reaction you got - though I don't really buy it.

Anonymity may have been compromised here, but no way to prove it so I guess you'll be safe.

Anyway, well written but not a great story. Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is a fascinating script. It makes me wish that MoviePoet was a big writer's group where we could all see each other and discuss this script face to face.

IMHO, craft and subject are both so important and they intertwine like two strands of DNA to create a story. The craft here is very good and the story of a writer unfairly judged by his work is intriguing. In fact, it reminds me of some personal experience I had back in college when I wrote some very dark short stories. I feel for your writer in this story. However, I'm not sure why you have the pictures in the story. They make him seem guilty. I think it is more interesting if the writer simply comes under attack for his words alone.

Still, I enjoyed this story, although I wonder if people will need to be familiar with the original story to fully appreciate the reprieve.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

That first scene's dialogue was unabashed exposition - read the thread "exposition" on the boards here. Is that a coed jail cell? What's up with that?

Well, I got a good laugh from this. The backwards action in parentheticals was confusing somewhat but alright I guess. Very interesting, was this an explanation, or sour grapes? Inferring of course that this was written by the author of the original Candy Land. If it wasn't why would a different author feel the need to defend the "Candy Land" piece? I'll have to go back and read all the reviews, I think I gave it a fair, but this isn't about that.. is it?

Face it, as entrepreneurial writers we are often defined by our work (in others' eyes) whether we want to be or not.

I thought the writing was clear, crisp, and concise, and give it a good. Feel better now?

Erenik Beqiri (Level 3)

I'm not sure i understood the script. I think it was too complicated. So, Ned has written a screenplay or whatever with
child pornography content? I think i've lost it. Not sure what was the real story of the script. Maybe is just me here, I will
see what the other readers will point out.

But if you take my word, you will need to clarify it better. It's just confusing.

Jason Daniels (Level 2)

Hmmm. I remember "Candy Land" and recall that I thought it was well writen, but that I was thrown by the content. Wasn't clear if it was dark comedy, social comentary, etc. Is "Reprise" to serve as an explination to your detractors? So, I guess, if this is a response to the original, I understand your social experiement.

Well, I liked the story, but right off the bat felt that it was in some way a desperate explination of "Candy Land." I was able to get through it and though it did fit the technical rules of the month's theme, I felt that it was a story written and then the scenes reshuffled in reverse with occasional SUPERIMPOSED "Month's earlier" added.

Like "Candy Land" I enjoyed it, but I suspect that you are capable of better work.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

Hello Ned,

I found your script interesting even though the subject matter can be a little off colour. I do have a few points to make:

The line: "It’s sick for a man like you to have". It's sick for anyone period. I also thought the line by Marshall Edwards: "We’ll be the judge of that." was pointless. It is very cliché. This needs to be altered or dropped.

Did you research this script? If so, depending on your choice of words will end up with your I.P. address being logged.

I found your very last paragraph to be very clever. Nicely done.

Overall it was a good read, in reverse and clever. Well done.

All the best.

John Brooke (Level 5)

You have scripted a timely foreboding film. Guilty by reason of public opinion, is not a new theme, but you have brought it up to frightening modern times. Our basic freedom of expression is in jeopardy in a state controlled morality and lives of innocent men have been destroyed. The real pornography is in many cases actually in the naughty minds of the accusers.

I didn’t understand your title, I was unable to find any reference that would justify it in the script. Am I missing something?

Your concept is good however I would have liked seeing open conflict between the secretive accusers and the accused. Show me genuine action and dramatic expression. Your script came across emotionality dull, with hopeless resignation of Ned to his fate.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Excellent script. Had me saying 'Ohh Sh*t!' towards the end (beginning). I cannot help but see something like this having happened and continually happening in the world today. Very original and well written script. I digged it to the utmost because it was also different than many of the other scripts I read. Too many people dying and scripts going backwards to reveal who and why. This was a refreshing change and the fact that it was well executed in every aspect made it all the more welcoming. The characters were well voiced and the scene in reverse was used in a skillful way. Going months back is harder to do than a few minutes or hours, in my opinion, but you handled that well. It's no surprise that Ned got bagged at the end. One thing is to have a vivid imagination and put out some wild writing, but he had indulged in the act in the past and he pays for it now.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Interesting "reprieve". I thought it was easy to read and flowed nicely. I'm not sure what your piece was trying to say though. Moviepoet fails the test, Ned goes to jail. A little far fetched.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Have no fear: I'll rate the craft. I loved the name of the group, the Write Types. Funny.

Joann's dialogue on Page 4 sounded unrealistic. Besides that, however, there's a real thematic problem in that Joann and Ingrid are cast as the villians for following their consciences. If the ending had been punchier, perhaps I could have bought the idea that Ned was innocent or at least naive. But since he claims (and the author, clearly) that he is intending to shock and test an accepted societal norm, his protests and disbelief on Page 1 lose their authenticity. If Ned knows that he's rubbing people the wrong way on purpose, why is he surprised that they react? I would suggest finding a different motive for Joann and Ingrid; and making Ned either completely clueless or more malevolent.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

What can I say? Good piece, and something for writers to consider.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

So... Am I Ingrid? The wrathful competitor? I actually was pretty hard on "Candy Land," but I wonder how many other reviewers are asking themselves the same question.

There's just something about making a joke of raping children that brings out my inner bitch, and she's a big nasty one when it comes to protecting children. Even fictional ones.

It was pretty obvious that you intended to shock us with your ending, so I'm surprised that you took the reactions to "Candy Land" so personally. If you check over the reviews given to me on my own work you'll see that there are plenty of people who don't like what I write about, either. Our personal opinions are going to affect how we rate a script. That's just the way it is. I've read some decently written stuff on this site that I found too preachy or cautionary, and they don't appeal to me... the same way some people are tired of nice guy serial killers and women who cut throats without enough background info to explain why.

You need to be realistic about the responses you receive from people. Especially when you write about subjects intended to elicit a strong reaction. You can write about the topic of child abuse, but if you make light of it, if you tell it like a joke, someone will call you on it.

As for "Candy Land Reprieve, " here we go...

How does Kalli happen to be in Ned's cell with him? And who is she? I thought a wife at one point, but their last names are different. A friend? Lover? His lawyer? She's just there. No explaination. There needs to be a reason she's allowed in the cell with him.

I like the use of "The Write Types" as the group name. It's consistant with your overall theme (overly moralistic critics, etc.) and it's 'catchy.' Something they would think up.

This is fairly well written. It's a character driven script, though, and I'd like to see more depth there.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I'm not sure about this one. I'll have to assume it was written by someone other than NB or it would have been DQ'd by now for the anonimity factor.

The writing was good, but I'll be honest...as soon as I read the title my flags went up and I was very distracted when I realized it was a part 2 to an earlier piece.

I liked the idea of this story for reverse. A man caught with child porn but with an explanation (sort of). And because he held on to those things he would suffer for it later. I think this story would have been MUCH better if it weren't used as some kind of Movie Poet integrity test. You could have very easily left that out. For me it cast a very negative tone on what could have been a very good piece.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Ned is guilty, right? Even though he has been set up to be investigated for child pornography by some members of his writing group, he still had child pornography? That's how it played to me. So, in the end, I have no sympathy Ned when he says he doesn't think he is crossing any moral boundary.

(Played in reverse, Ned actually appears to be moving copies
from the briefcase and forming a neatly-stacked pile.)
Does this mean it's going to be played in reverse? I'm confused.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I think you should try to inject a little more surprise into the story. Some twists and turns.

You tell us early on that Ned was convicted because of having child pornography. And that’s exactly where the story leads us... which makes it quite predictable.

I think you need to play against the audience’s expectations.

If you open with a guy convicted for having child pornography, the audience will expect he was arrested with child pornography, that his house was searched by the law, that someone told the authorities, etc.

You deliver exactly what you promise. Try instead to deliver something else, like having someone who hates him plant the evidence, Or you could stick to your ending, put promise something different at the beginning, in order to keep the audience guessing.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

A quasi sequel/spin-off to "Candy Land"...I really don't know what to say...I hope this isn't a trilogy.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

A fair comment I'd say. I was the lone Very Good vote on your Candy Land script, not because I wasn't appalled by the content but because it was obvious you had consciously written it that way.

I’m appalled by some of the graphically violent stuff, some of it just gratuitously done for shock value, that appears here but nobody ever calls people on that. It is hard to accept artistic visions that you find distasteful.

Candy Land actually was a Very Good script but even ignoring the subject you did mess the end up. Rewrite the end, perhaps as I suggested in the original thread, and it would be great.

That being said this script is not even half as good as Candy Land. It works for its purpose but by itself it would, as I’m sure you know, not be very good.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Torn with this one, well written and technically solid from what I can tell. So nice work on that side of things.

It just seemed longer than five pages to me which meant it seemed to drag along and the ending I thought was okay. But that's all my opinion.

Good luck to you this month.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Interesting. I didn't buy the fact that Kalli was in a jail cell. I think it would have played just as well in a prison visitor's booth. The confiscation of the computer stuff in the middle I thought slowed the piece down. I wanted to see more of Ned's either anxiety or worry shown rather than turning over the computer stuff. Maybe have him either 'trying' to delete material or peeking out the window as the police arrive. Something to show his mind set. I know we're limited by page counts but Ingrid and JoAnn's motivation is pretty weak unless one of them says something like -- 'He's bringing another porn piece' or 'He always puts these sick things in his scripts.' It gives an indication that this isn't the first time -- more motivation for them to do something. Finally, and this is something I've been told as well, readers generally don't like reading scripts about writers or writing. There's so much nuance to screenwriting and many people don't get the references to contests etc. Just a caution I'm passing along. Otherwise, this script held my interest and followed the rules. Nice work.

Rubina Rose (Level 2)

Nicely written script.
Central character-NED is described well by the script.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Your description of the jail cell isn't really necessary unless you want us to look at all these elements like the sink, cot and the walls as a separate shot.

Why would they take his computer monitors as well? Monitors don't hold data, do they?

This bit towards the end kinda confused me a bit.

------------
Each writer focuses on a copy.

The copies move to a neatly-stacked pile on the table.

An open briefcase contains the copies of a five-page screenplay.

(Played in reverse, Ned actually appears to be moving copies from the briefcase and forming a neatly-stacked pile.)
--------------

So are the piles shoved back in the briefcase or taken out from it and piled? Which is the choice of image we should follow?

If the rewind does take place you don't need the parenthesis.

Honestly, I do not think this is anonymous. But since it is your craft that you'd want to be judged on rather than the plot I guess that was a premeditated intention.

The subject matter is judged differently by different people, just as certain people choose to watch films with a certain subject matter and producers often stay away from projects that might be too controversial.

This story makes me feel sorry because you didn't choose to tell us what you felt about the reviews for "Candyland" and decided to instead write this script.

The opportunity could have been used to write a brand new short which could have placed based on the skills you've shown.

An author can get lost in a sea of other writers but his writing won't. Good writing is noticed.

I hope you do keep writing as there is nothing wrong with your craft. You can tell a good story.

The use of the reverse technique is adequate and you have added super titles as back-up to avoid confusion, which you actually don't need.

And why is Kalli in the cell with Ned? Do they allow wives to visit people in the cell?

Do participate in future contests.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Aha.. very fun and tongue in cheek. I like the reveal at the end of the story. Not sure what Candy Land is. I suppose it's some online writing site.. LOL.

Fun story.

Concept Good
Story Good
Characters Very good
Dialog Good
Title Good.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

You do a good job of setting the tone and you have vivid descriptions. Good job. This feels to me like the start of something, or like a piece of something. There is obviously quite a bit of history with Ned and Joann and Ingrid. It would be more interesting for me to have that history and the relationships explored a bit more and a bit less of the interaction with the Marshall. How he got in jail is less interesting to me than why.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I thought this was well written and was an interesting story about how people's freedoms are being stamped on in the modern world. It seems strange to base this on a previous script as it gives people a huge clue as to the author.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This reminded me of when songwriter Pete Townsend got hauled away on charges of accessing kid-porn on the web until he could prove it was "research" and not for thrills. Story-wise, I liked the content and the premise, it had me going until the last scene when I realized the protagonist is a screenwriter, so this self-indulgence kinda ruined it for me as did whatever was going on in the rewind/camera direction.

Overall, I found the characters a bit weak, particularly the "bad guys" came off as cliche and sketchily drawn. I didn't get enough sympathy up for the protagonist, and had hoped for a better ending.

This could have been much better and more ironic; I'd suggest having more character interaction between the protagonist & his enemies so we see more of that and can take sides sooner. Less emphasis on the cops taking away the PC equipment (this goes on way too long).

I also suggest reworking the rewind aspect. Try it without the dependence on supers and use visual cues (such as change in season, length of beard, etc).

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

This is good, or rather very good. The only reason I think why is not excellent is becuase the exposition in the dialogue makes a bit weak.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

This was funny. It's as if I was reading about myself reading a script you wrote and submitted to this site, now... I think I'm supposed to report you??.. but Im not sure LOL!.

I thought it was very clever, but my only criticism is that, without the knowledge of this site and its rules, I'm not sure I would have gotten such a big laugh out of the screenplay. This is obviously a touchy subject and I thought you handled it well, I like things that are on the edge. Kept me guessing - what was coming next the whole time.
Clever Work.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Pretty depressing. I'm not sure what the backstory was with the script and all, seemed like you were referencing a previous script you or someone else here wrote? It kinda went over my head. Good writing, though.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I'm not really into 'prove-a-point' scripts. Having said that, the writing is solid.

Comments Made After the Contest

Elias Farnum (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2008 10:49 AM

To tell the truth, your "risk taking" with the original "Candy Land" bolstered the submission of my script for this month's contest. Thanks for your comment on it, though I fear I am a "master" of another ilk, lol.

Neal Barringer (Level 0) ~ 11/1/2008 10:50 AM

I'm not usually one who comments on my own scripts unless someone has specific questions/comments.

Chris: "makes me wish that MoviePoet was a big writer's group where we could all see each other and discuss this script face to face."

I have that wish, too. when I shared this piece with my local writers' group, they helped me find the initial flaws and I corrected those before submitting. unfortunately, they are no screenwriters. so, I depend on the experience of MoviePoets to pointt out the rest of the flaws. the problem is that is done in a contest setting and there is no face-to-face give-and-take feedback.

another reason for face-to-face contact is that I was able to explain the log line, "this reads well forwards and backwards." in MoviePoet world, the log line does not show until after the contest. so, I'll tell you now -- start with the last line of the script (the actual last line, on page 5) and read backwards line-by-line.

I'd like some comments on whether the story still makes sense. I was quite entertained by the different meanings each exposition gets based on which way the exposition is read. writing a story that reads well forwards and backwards was my real motivation to write Candy Land Reprieve.

Caroline: "because... I want to support writers who are trying to develop their work, and who have written something that they hope to make into a film... I felt as though...YOU were wasting my time."

Sorry you felt I wasted your time. for what it's worth, I got valuable feedback from the other 34 reviews. the format of the contest makes you read scripts one-by-one, so there's no avoiding wasting the time of some experienced writers.

Margaret: "Am I Ingrid?"

No. but, it's funny how many people saw themselves in one of the characters.


In the MoviePoet world, I flow with the first idea that comes to mind. I work out the exposition as best I can. then, submit for reviews to some local writers. after applying their suggestions, I submit to the contest.

I wasn't going to write "scene in reverse," but this idea of repercussions for writing Candy Land popped into my head. I thought about the exposition and went with it. I inserted the final line, "I wrote this because...." because I felt that was an unanswered question in the draft and needed a wrap-up.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 11/2/2008 11:57 AM

Neal,

I have the same problem finding someone to review my scripts before I submit. The one script writer I know is also an MPer, so I can't ask him. The rest of my family and friends aren't as tough on me as I'd like them to be, and reading a script is different than reading a short story. I also find that, when self-reviewing, I tend to go semi-blind mentally. I'm just too close to it to see the overall effect after awhile.

I spend about 2 days a month in Fargo. Sometimes more. I don't work anymore, and I'm doing independent study for school, so my schedule is pretty flexible. If you want to get together and talk script writing, let me know. We couldn't help each other with current MP projects, but we could go over past scripts and other things we're working on.