Comments Made During the Contest

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

A good story that works well with backwards sequence.

I found myself wishing for a better understanding of the relationship between Paul, Charlie, and Tony...why did this happen to Charlie? That's really all that is missing.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

There is alot of action happening and good description of it, but not a whole lot of explanation of why the action is happening. I kept thinking why is this happening. Remember to keep it short and sweet, then you'll be able to write more and everything will flow better for the reader.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Very well written and paced. Cool story with a nice twist ending. I didn't see anything wrong with this one. Nice work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

A good story this, and cleverly written. I had to very much concentrate to follow it backwards but think that might be easier on screen. Good dialogue, scene-setting, characterisation.

Neat twist at the end. I think that the restaurant scene made it dip a bit - a little too much of the small-talk so that it lost impetus.

Otherwise, very good!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Cool story, really like the twist at the end where Tony's set the whole thing up, gets Paul arrested and gets the girl.

A little convenient on the timing of the police getting there - I'm assuming Tony called them, but they arrive just in time for him to get away and Paul to get nabbed.

Still, this was excellent told in reverse. Nice job, think it could be a contender.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft is very good and this was a fun read. I like yous sense of style and the pacing is great.

It's an interesting twist at the end, but I'm not sure it stands up to much scrutiny. Once we realize Charlie was set-up, I don't believe his reaction to his brother (fleeing the restaurant and apologizing). If you rework that scene, it could work, but as it is now, not quite.

I think with a small rewrite this could be very good.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I take it Tony and Lizzie wanted Charlie out of the way so they could be together? Why not kill Paul if that's what it was about? Otherwise I don't understand. Blood Brothers? Who were the brothers, or is that a gang thing?

Well written overall, liked the crisp pacing, and alley visuals.

Erenik Beqiri (Level 3)

This was far better than most of what i read here. And it justifies the reverse structure. If you write this in linear way, there would be no surprise and no interest at it.

I liked the twist in the end. Still, i think it needs to have something more. I believe Tony and Lizzie put sleeping pills or something, in Charlies bottle.

A re-write will make it even better than it is.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

This is a very good script. I enjoyed it. It did sound like another one of those stories we've seen before. But as I read the last page, I found myself liking all of your script.

Good going.

All the best.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Backward or forward, you done well, ya banged out a hardboiled classic double cross script. Nice going, pal!

John Dowers (Level 1)

Based on the title, I'm confused as to whether or not Charlie and Paul were brothers. Paul was set up by Tony to go to jail for murder because he set up Charlie to look like he was cheating with his wife. I would have liked to know just a bit more about Tony and Lizzie and why they needed to concoct such a convoluted scheme to get rid of Paul.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

A good story with a nice twist. My only complaint is that there’s several formatting errors throughout but nothing that couldn’t be fixed.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I liked the way this script was written. The descriptive elements were well thought of and written. Action was good too. The Dialogue was great and felt unique to each of the character. My only complain here is the story. Although the connections are made and it's a good concept, I feel it was incomplete. This script begs for more and would be great as a longer one so that the background story can be exposed. There are too many why's? left unanswered. Would enjoy seeing this expand into a longer script.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Did Charlie die? I want to know! We hear shots, but never see a body. I want him to live.

Great story. You held my attention throughout. I thought your scenes were pretty clear, even as you changed locations. Props on that,; it's hard to do.

Terrific!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The phrase "a reluctant smile fades onto his face" confused me. Normally, a smile fading means it's disappearing, but I believe that you mean the smile is appearing. Having worked through that, I found that you used the exact same phrase again on the next page. I'd consider using different verbage the second time around to nuance the situation.

The story is good, fun, exciting visually (how many people wear fedoras anymore? cool!). It definitely suffers from the lack of a backstory, though. Who exactly are these people, other than some vague, stereotypical mob-influenced sharks? The characters felt a little thin.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

A few minor spelling errors, but this is otherwise very good. I liked the character development and the dialogue. Everything flowed nicely.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Great twist at the end! Didn't see that coming.

Nicely written. Although not sure why we had to know how far the tables were spaced apart, I kept thinking that had somthing to do with the story. And some of the dialog was a bit over the top. Maybe a couple too many "Bros" from Charlie. Other than that I thought it was very good. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Your script was good. I really believed that Tony could set up Paul to kill Charlie, even though I wasn't sure why. It doesn't really matter in the end, but I was curious. You could layer in back story to show the falling out between Tony and Charlie, as it would certainly add more depth. Otherwise it was good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

The basic scenario, a man having another one killed for screwing his girl, is something I saw many times before.

I liked the twist at the end but the rest of the tale was a bit predictable and not too fresh though. The premise has conflict and it has potential, but since it’s a common scenario, IMHO, you need to add more twists and turns to it to make it work.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

This feels incoherent to me. I had a lot of trouble following it. I THINK I know what happens but I'm not positive. In the scene heading, when you say THAT MOMENT. I'm not exactly sure what that means. That being said, some of the writing here is entertaining. In fact, I like the first scene quite a bit. The imagery is well placed.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

First off I had a hard time following this one. Also I think there are some jump forwards in time specifically just before the last scene. My main problem here, and I may be missing something, is that I don't get what Tony's and Lizzie's motivation is for doing in Charlie. This is really important to the story and I don't get it.

Mike Cobb (Level 2)

I very much enjoyed thi one! All the descriptions and dialogue where just pitch perfect. Gave it that that perfect "noir" feel to it that's always pretty hard to do. Although the one part that kept me scratching my head is its never really clear to me why Tony and Lizzie wanted Charlie dead at the end. Their motivation never became clear to me. But other then that I really liked this one alot:)

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

I liked it. Not much to comment on for improvements. liked the twist at the end. think it will look good on the big screen. the dialoue subtext between Charlie and Paul was excellent.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This was a little confusing for me at first. I only got three or four scripts left to review, so forgive me if it seems like I'm taking this out on you, but the concept of a story being told backwards will already be, inevitably a little more difficult to follow. Knowing this, why not take some strides to simplify the story a little more, make it a bit more easier for the reader. Or maybe I'm not so bright and others will have no problem with all this.

What does "That Moment" mean in the slugline?

Formatted correctly, didn't detect any major typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

Cleverly done. The end is a solid twist although it's a little hard to believe that Charlie would not declare that he was unconscious.

After I'd read the first sequence in this I can't say I was feeling that interested in what happened earlier. I guess there is not an unanswered question so it doesn't feel natural that the script then jumps backwards.

There is a lot of stuff that happens in this script that feels like filler to me. It doesn't move the story forwards (even though it is going backwards!). I think this might be better if it was a little shorter.

"Tony gets in the drivers seat, Paul in the passengers." - Minor grammar point, you are missing apostrophes in this sentence.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Decent. On the first page I would have preferred knowing if the calm voice was male or female. What did the suit and Fedora have to do with the identification of a character? They didn't play into the story later, did they? The frame set up and twist at the end closed things up nicely but I just didn't get a clear connection between Paul/Charlie/Tony and Lizzie. The story read fine and I think you have layed out some cool visuals for a film but I wasn't rocked by the story and I didn't pull for any of the characters. I think you have strong elements in your writing style and met the challenge requirements but this story just didn't resonate with me.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I like the reveal at the end. The setting also adds a wonderful noir feel and the plot has the typical deception which is a staple of the genre and works well.

The Champagne glasses work as you provide the actor's voices off-screen.

A few things however mar the script.

The dialog seems inspired by a lot of mafioso films and is hit and miss. Sometimes it seems forced when Paul utters "sonuvabich" or "the fish is nice and fresh" at other times it works. Charlie saying "bro" didn't work as much. His talk seemed too casual. Also it makes him not seem like a part of Paul's crew or business.

As for the plot, Tony is obviously Paul's go to guy for hits, then why would Paul commit the murder and not let Tony do it? I guess because he wanted the satisfaction of doing the deed himself.

A brief scene to convey Paul's jealousy might work well.

The two same moment sequences in the alley and the car and then the restaurant and kitchen seem like they could be different scenes and not one continuous shot. I wish you could have conveyed that in a better technical manner.

Even if the restaurant is one continuous take then it doesn't work once we cut to Paul and Tony.

Not only is it distracting because we expect a reversal back in time, but it also keeps changing locations within the scene.

A bit of tinkering will make this quite good.

Keep writing.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

While I enjoyed the story, and I think it's very well written, I had some thoughts. First if Tony is an ugly heavy set man, why would Lizzie want to be with him. He seems old and ugly, she is young and pretty.
Why are they setting up Paul and Charlie? What's the reason, money? love of Lizzie?
I realize you only have five pages, but I need a little backstory into the brother's past relationship. Why would Paul kill his brother without even talking to him first? Paul is quite a lot older than Charlie..wouldn't he be a little more mature and would he kill his little brother over a woman? Maybe so.. but there's nothing to make me believe that he could so easily be set up.

The only line is that Charlie needs to 'keep it in his pants'. that is the only clue to Charlie's apparent philandering.

The story though is compelling and very well paced and I think you achieved the competition rules very well.

It just needs a couple more pages for some needed backstory and I think this one is ready to shoot. (pun intended).

Concept Very Good
Title Very Good
Dialog Excellent
Story Very Good
Characters Excellent.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Good twist at the end. I think you do a good job of pacing and introducing information. I like the way you set it up, leading us in one direction and then suddenly changing. Good descriptions. Good, short action.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

This is actually a very good story. The writing was written to perfection, descriptions and dialog. The pacing was very smooth, this was easy to read. Excellent

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

The script has an interesting twisr, but the writing is a bit confusing. I think that a good polishing would make it into an excellent script.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

Nice, Nice , Nice,
well rounded, on target, good dialogue and great twist.
I give you top scores on this one!

Rockin!

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

For a minute there in the middle I was struggling to piece it together. That said, by the close it worked well.

Good basic writing style. I thought that the first scene and its action could have played out quicker. But otherwise good. I really liked this story, although I think there are a few similar this month.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This script felt way too complex. All the "That Moments" made it feel a lot more convoluted than it should've been. And the payoff at the end didn't feel very powerful to me.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This was good. It's very admirable, at least considering the scripts I've seen so far this month, that the story is clear and it's obvious that the scenes are in reverse order. It's a tougher thing to do than I expected. The writing is good, and the dialog is not bad. Overall, the whole thing is not all that original, but still competently done. One thing: I can't be the only one who has no idea what "in the B.G." means, so I'd avoid using terms like that. Or maybe I am the only one. Good job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2008 4:26 AM

Thanks everyone for the comments. I guess this one does need to be expanded really.

Paul is a mob boss and Charlie is his brother, not in the business. Lizzie is married to Paul but only for the money. Tony's obsessed with her and realises she's unhappy with Paul...except for the money. Rather than kill anyone themselves they come up with the plan to have Paul kill Charlie so that he goes to jail and she gets all of his money. (not sure if his assets would be frozen actually...hmm plot holes).

I tried to show all of these aspects through subtext, but I guess I missed a few parts. The relationships between the characters needs work, I deffo agree with that.

William, B.G. is a shorthand for background, to answer your question.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2008 11:01 AM

This was my favorite script of the month. Nice work.

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2008 12:21 PM

Cheers Brian, it was my first attempt at a noir script and I enjoyed writing it.

Just read it through again and not sure where the jump forwards are that a few people mentioned. The restaurant - kitchen - outside restaurant is one continuous scene. As Paul walks to the door we see Charlie escape through the kitchen, then back to outside where Paul has come out of the door. That scene took the longest to write to make as clear as possible.

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 11/3/2008 12:48 PM

Rewrite uploaded if anyone wants to check it out. It might be more confusing but I think it gives more development to Lizzie's character and her relationship with Paul.

Sophie Earnshaw (Level 0) ~ 12/1/2010 4:24 PM

Where is the script

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2010 6:01 PM

Sophie, if you click on the script title right at the top, it'll bring up the original script. Click the date next to 'rewrite' to get the updated script.