Comments Made During the Contest

Ali Barr (Level 4)

I like the idea of the goggles and what they can do. I would have liked to see her do more outside the home because they sound so cool! So overall, I'd like to see a little less dialogue and a little more action with those goggles.

I like the way you cranked it up in the middle by finding out about Cal's history. It carried the story to the end.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

I really, really like the concept. Very original and cool technology that I would love to see in real life.

The way it reads, it would seem like a large part would have to be seen from Darcy's view, through the goggles. I think that might be a little hard to watch. If you think back to Terminator you only got a few seconds at a time in his POV with all the info flashing. Here you have minutes.

Some parts are very thick with lots of reading, mostly page 3. There's a lot of detail and it slows the script down, even though it would be pretty quick on film.

Again, great idea. Just worried about how this would need to be filmed with so much seen through Darcy's eyes.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Very creative, cool story. Well written. The main thing I'd suggest here would be to break those thick descriptive paragraphs in half to help the script flow better, but overall very nice job on this. I enjoyed it.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I think this is a fantastic idea - I worry, however, about the need for such very detailed explanation of how the device works. I think it maybe stalls the interest of the story? Perhaps go straight into Darcy wearing the goggles and looking at the woman and cut out all the preliminaries? Then you'd have more room to play with.

I had the same reaction to all the details about Cal/Jackson's life. Then I thought Darcy's reaction - I'm going to my mother's...the stabbing...was way too sudden given the lack of build-up beforehand.

If this was developed into a much larger piece I think it could be top class, but in only 5 pages, too much crammed in that hasn't the chance to be properly developed.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Thought this one was good.

Great science and cool plot.

Noticed one poorly written direction that needs to be corrected.

It falls apart a bit for me at the end, gets very expository. Why mention they have a child? Only brings into question why we have not seen him or her. Why does she pick up the knife and why on earth would he go for her throat instead of taking the knife away. Wouldn't he expect to be stabbed?

Don't want you to get me wrong, this was well written and interesting. Clean up the ending and it goes up another notch.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I think the idea of the goggles is brilliant; one of the most original and in someways realistic Sci-Fi invention in this contest. I was curious to see how it would play out in the story.

The set-up is perfect. However, the twist ending felt a bit rushed and unrealistic to me. I wish the goggles had some other unintended effect; I'm just not sure what. Perhaps if Cal's secrets were a little less big, it would work better for me.

Still, I think this has the potential to be a great little Sci-Fi short and I think it would make a very good film.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I gave this one a 4.

Probably the most original idea this month.

I liked a lot about this one, but it could of used editing in the both the action and dialogue. As an example: "Yes. It's true. But do you know what this invention could mean? Think about the potential uses in education, business, law enforcement. The applications are limitless." That can be said a lot quicker and not lose a thing.

That Cal/Jackson could be brilliant enough to build this thing and too dumb to delete information about himself gives it more realism. This kind of thing happens every day with "brilliant" criminals.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I like the science of this Sci-Fi script but the discovery of who Cal was didn’t ring true enough to me to be plausible. Perhaps because this is only a five page script and there was a need to get to the end, it was rushed. Maybe too, the alternative identity twist was a solution to “where is this script going?”

Maybe the real issues is that this script’s premise is really better suited to a longer script than five pages. I really like the technology and its potential for seemingly good things but that also can lead to all the wrong people using it for all the wrong reasons.

I think this has possibilities for a full length script.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Right off the bat I need the ages of Cal and Darcy. Character introductions aren't my strong suit but you at least need to have, CAL (30's) or whatever age.

Other than some novelesque writing, and stilted dialogue, I thought the story was fairlly solid and a very unique device. I would have liked more revelation from Cal as to his motivations. I can understand Darcy's character just fine. But Cal? Why would he give these goggles to her? Was he just absentminded? I don't think so. He probably was going to use the goggles for more criminal activity. But then again I don't know. He said he'd straightened up, but then attacks Darcy. He's killed - - now I know nothing.

If you cut out a page worth of showing what the device does you could devote more time to developing his character to show me exactly what his motivations are. Seeing that the climax of the attack isn't unusual (I saw it coming of course) and although you have a unique device with the goggles the story behind it all could be better fleshed out, other than dialogue exposition. They had kids, get one of them involved - - raise the stakes.

John Brooke (Level 5)

I admire your creative Goggle Goggles Screenplay. Nicely woven plausible scientific fantasy. The title is a perfect match to the subject and drew me in. Good suction, good pacing!

In contrast to the smooth beginning and middle the ending of the film was a rough, to my mind. The abrupt change in Darcy’s attitude towards her husband seemed too rapid and un-convincing. The irony of reading “Medical Readout” at the ending was a brilliant icy touch.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Awesome!!! I was waiting to read a SciFi story that had a cool gadget in it. I certainly like the device and the science behind it. The first half was a great set up for the second half of the script and it all tied up nicely. The dialogue individually described each character and the story flowed smoothly from beginning to end. I only have one complaint: the genius behind such an ingenius device would not have allowed his criminalized profile to be viewable so easily, and as such he could not possibly be caught in the manner that he was, but it was written in well enough and it made the story work. Good Job!!!

Justin Miller (Level 1)

I have to say, reading these science fiction stories, well it's pretty fun seeing the ideas people come up with: yours was no exception. Plot development was great, but certainly open to other possibilities. It could be interesting for you to explore other avenues in any rewrites you do. The ending seemed awkward for me though, especially in the area of character motivation. If JACKSON/CAL really has good intentions for the use of his invention and sees his family relationships as "real", he turns into the bad guy too quickly for me. I'd like to see more undertones of his true colors earlier on, not in his last words spoken. I'd change his name too. Watch any '24' re-runs lately?

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

I love this idea about the glasses. I was thinking that all this information would be pretty challenging for an ordinary citizen to get access to, so I'm glad you addressed my concern later in the script.

Your story seemed to be flowing pretty well until the part when Darcy discovers Cal's true identity and immediately reaches for a knife. I think, if I were married to someone for 9-years, I'd want to hear their side of the story. Killing a prison guard is not the same as killing your wife. Why did she jump to the conclusion that she needed to protect herself?

I liked that Cal was caught by his own invention. What inspired him to make such a thing? Do you know what motivated him? It seems like this devise would be the last thing in the world Cal would want police to get their hands on.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

The script reads like an ad for the product. Too much time is spent showing what the goggles can do and not enough building the story. Where is the son that is mentioned in the end? You should use the space to build the conflict of emotions of a man she loves and wanting to turn him in. We don't care about the women or the restaurant or the over use of the goggles in the park. We need to feel the characters and the conflict of her love vs. the truth of who he is. This can be done by removing the unnecessary time on the use of the goggles at the park. The ending was Okay but emotionless, we should feel the emotion of the conflict of killing the one you love.

Leigh Fenty (Level 3)

I like the idea here very much. It started out great, but you lost me on the last few pages and I kind of saw it all coming. I would like to see this idea expanded beyond five pages and with a different and surprising catch at the end. Dialogue is a little strained also. Doesn't flow for me. Good job though.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Strong script, but I have a question that risk trashing the idea.
Would Bauer risk imprisonment by giving his wife access to his identity via the goggles? Presumably he tested them beforehand, and would have "recognized" himself. Alternately, if his hacker Kung Fu is good enough to create and load the goggles, then couldn't he have altered his identity, or negated the goggle's ability to ID him?

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This must be the script Michael C. was referring to in the sci-fi here and now thread, when he said he'd read the best script on MP to date and was half way through the reviews. This is excellent! flawless!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Wow, poor Cal. Genius enough to create such an amazing invention, but too stupid to realize it could be used against him.

This was good but it was a bit unbelievable. And Darcy's reaction when she finds out is a bit odd. If you found out your spouse had been hiding thier identity for all of those crimes, including killing a cop...I don't think the reaction would be that calm. I'd be scared to death and want to make sure I got myself and my kids out of there. But Darcy confronts him, even tells him she's going to the cops. Of course he's going to try and kill her.

The writing was good. Easy to read and follow. I'd just work on making the story something we can picture really happening. People's reactions have to be natural and believable.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

The goggles were awesome. Cool gadget.

A little nitpick: this device requires the character using it to read lots of information, and that means the audience would have to read a lot as well... which ain’t good. Maybe the goggles could come with an earpiece? You could have a mechanic voice read all the info to the character (and the audience).

I was expecting that Darcy would see something she wouldn’t wanna see. I liked the main conflict. I think this is the way to go.

I would only suggest to make the conflict a bit less contrived. I mean, Cal has plenty of dirty secrets and a girlfriend who doesn’t know them, so he invents a device that tells you people’s dirty secrets, gives it to her, and takes a nap right by her side... I would expect him to have more caution.

Perhaps if Darcy was the one with the dirty secrets and Cal finds out with the goggles, the plot would feel a little more natural.

Michael Langley (Level 3)

I really want to see more of this. The idea of the goggles is a great one and I love the way they backfire on him. The ending seemed very abrupt, but I think that is more to do with the limited pages. I think the idea would be great to expand on and instead of Cal dieing at the end escaping and building on the story from there. Very Good Job.

Michael Rome (Level 4)

Liked your theme about everyone not being who they appear. Nice twist with the wife using the goggles on her husband, the inventor. For a minute I thought they were going to tell her that he was an android, but I liked your twist better.

If you do a rewrite, you might want to make clear earlier in the story that they are a married couple who have been together for years to help build-up to the deception at the end.

Very nice piece.

Paolo Tinari (Level 3)

Very nice tool, those goggles. And with those goggles you take me to a husband and wife fight? You tell me that with those i have access to every information and she reads the restaurant menu? I'm craving for much more fun and games there with those goggles. And also, cant pitch the charachters, no age, no brief description. And also, Cal, the ID thieve, the fraud, the murderer, the inventor of those goggles, Jack(son) Bauer! He got caught by his wife while snoring? No, i dont want him to end this way.
I really would like to read a rewrite from you

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This started good enough, thought it had some potential, although the first 3 pages seemed like a commercial for these special goggles.

But, it began to flutter out and the conclusion left a large plot-hole for me-

Did Calvin really think that Darcy was never gonna look at him through the goggles? How could he have prevented that?

Also, I didn't know the exact relationship between Calvin and Darcy until the end. They have the same surname, but I couldn't tell if they were father-daughter, siblings, etc.

Writing and format overall are good, try to break up some of the action paragraphs towards the end, they get clumped up a little too long with info that's not really that important.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I liked this one a lot. You had a great idea and even though the writing was chunky at times I didn't care because I enjoyed the story. If I have to complain about anything it would be the ending. I think this story would work better if you added more suspense and lengthened the part where Darcy finds out the truth about Jackson and leave it up to us the audience to imagine the ending and not spell it out like you did. Just end it with an icy chill in the air as we realize the truth. I'm not squeemish one bit about violence and gore, but this particular story would work better without it.

One of my faves this month. Great job!

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

The idea behind this one sounds better than it plays out, I'm afraid.

The first half of this script, as Cal explains the use of his "Google Goggles" ™ holds all the excitement of a phone call to tech support.

Things do pick up near the end, but it plays out so very fast that it carries little weight. For nine years of marriage and a kid she is pretty quick to stab the guy in the neck. It is tough to buy as you have it here.

The central idea of this script is a really good one. This is another example of a really clever scenario that could easily support a larger story, and the author is encouraged to consider that possibility. The late reveal, where Darcy turns the goggles on Cal, could be a compelling turn of events if these characters were better developed.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The USP of the script were the goggles but you do have the tendency to condense a lot of it's information into a few lines. If we break them up into shots it'll be on screen quite a bit longer.

The pacing too is affected by this. Since you already spend 3 and a half pages with Darcy and the goggles the last violent page swims against the flow.

Also wouldn't Cal figure out a way for the device not to recognize him. A guy who is smart enough to flummox interpol and the fbi is stupid enough to create a device that can pinpoint his past?

Each of the descriptions about the people or objects needs to be broken down into what we are going to see. What flashes on screen.

It's gonna take a few more pages. But it also gives you an opportunity to work in a bit of their relationship and not cram everything at the end like you do for the lack of more space.

Great premise. Needs more work.

Keep writing.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I gave this a very good. I really liked the story and where it was going. The idea of the glasses was really unique and fun. I was hoping the story would stay light and fun. But the ending came as a bit of a disappointment. There are a few things that bothered me.
First if Cal was so smart, why would he give her the glasses, knowing that women are curious beings and one of the first things she's going to do is check her own husband.

Second, the ending was rushed (Probably because of the five page limit) I thought her first reaction was believable. I just didn't think she would kill him. I would have thought if they had a child together they would try and work something out.

The ending was a let down for me.

Title Very Good
Dialogue Very Good
Characters Very Good
Story Good
Concept Very good

Thanks for the read.. and I want some of those glasses!!

Stina Carlstedt (Level 3)

A very visual story, nicely built up. I especially liked the shift from playful fun to something more sinister which flowed naturally. The characters feel natural -- the only part I think you could revise was after Darcy confronts Cal -- I thought his reaction was a bitt off, specifically threatening her. The way you descrribed him and his actons he comes more across as reckless than menacing, if that makes sense. I'd also like it if you'd hinted there was a child earlier than Darcy saying so -- the questons bubble up: where is the child now? Was the child just stuck in to illicit sympathy? I don't think you need it really to make the point. The final image is just perfect for the story. This is one I'd definitely like to see fimed - there is a lot of room for some very fancy camera work and effects.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Loved this, scary and fast moving. Nice twists and fun characters. I gave it a VG and might have gone Excellent except for two things:

The dialog was too wordy and explanatory, ditto the exposition especially the descriptions about all the details of what's seen in the goggles; edit this and tighten up. Less is more.

The opening shot needed to be more grabby. I suggest getting right to the action, start with the line "Ready to try them out?" and then have an eager Darcy complain about waiting so long while he's locked in the lab. Do they have to be at the Charles River, or any river at all, give the location director a break and set it in any old park will do.

Still, this is the best SciFi entry I've read so far.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Great concept and great tension, but the abrupt ending with Darcy just gazing at the device left me empty - I felt a little cheated. Rethink that ending and you'll have something excellent here for certain.

Proofread and fix the following: "Finally, I get to see what you've been cooped up in the lab for all this time", and "She looks over to a photograph of the two of them smiling at an amusement park enjoying".

Comments Made After the Contest