Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

You'll have to fix the ages, 20 and 25? That's not high school. In the early VO he says Lovely feeling then mentions love a few times.. it comes of sounding a little silly. A guy is not likely to refer to another guy as 'sexy jeff'. some stilted english, missing pronouns, etc. that needs to be worked on. Thomas wouldn't say 'where did he go' after Martin takes off with the testtube.. sounds too 'movielike'. the coffee thing feels forced. I'd have him buy her a new coffee or something.. who's just going to start drinking someone else's coffee? maybe just have her distracted and he puts the serum in her coffee rather than having it knocked over.

Overall- the premise is cute, the payoff is ok-- the dialogue flow needs alot of work.. have someone check that for you.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Fun story. Not as predictable as I first thought it would be because of the depression serum thrown into the mix. This was fun to read and entertaining. I was hoping for a little more opposition from Angelina in accepting his invitations, just to spice it up a bit.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

I was confused right from the start. It's says HIGH SCHOOL, but the characters are 25, 20, 23 years old?

And then some of the writing itself was very hard to understand. After reading things twice I think I know what it meant, but lots of grammar errors.

"My self-confident is..."--"self confidence"
"Why didn’t use rats?"--"Why didn't you use rats?"
And lots more than that.

The story gets kind of ridiculous at the end with the CONDOR. Don't know it was supposed to funny, but it all seemed very comical.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I noticed lots of typos in this one but the formatting all seemed okay. A qcuik once over with a focus on spelling and grammar would have done wonders for this scripts flow. The story had a lot going on, and I think it may have became a bit cluttered with too many ideas for 5 pages. This script is also suffereing from a fundamental problem... We want to like the main character but this guy unapologetically drugged a girl to win her over. That makes him a slimeball that we don't want to see live happiily ever after. One other flaw, that can be easily fixed, is the character ages. 25, 23, and 20 year olds are not in high school yet the opening scene is set in a high school. This is a quick fix though, just lower the ages to 16,17,18 and you're fine. Good effort but I think a rewrite would really help this one out.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Parentheticals are best avoided. Instead show us how someone is feeling using the action and dialogue.

It's confusing to call the guy Martin, then have him referred to as Dexter by someone else.

I liked the serum bit of the story, but I didn't much go for Condor, the flying machine. I wished the rescue had been a bit more subtle.

I think, if you lost Condor and thought of another way for Martin to rescue Angelina then this would be very good.

There were a few typos in this. Best to get your work checked over before submitting.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

You have a good story here with some classic elements. I love the tale of an underdog in love with a girl he thinks he can't get. The twist, where she really wants to go out with him, is wonderful.

Some of the dialogue feels a bit forced and I'm not sure you need any of the voice over. Also, the ending with the flying machine feels a bit over the top. Stay focused on the love story between the girl and the boy and you have a winner.

Lastly, the high school students are too old, but given the nature of the experiments, this might work better with college students.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I gave this one a 3.

A nice science fiction twist on the geek gets the pretty girl.

It was a little choppy and there were some spelling/grammar mistakes that stood out. (But it seems like they were the errors of someone in hurry.) Some of the dialogue could have been more concise.

But the story was strong enough to overlook some of these things.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

You have a good story idea here, however, I noticed a few problems that could use some fixing.

First is your setting... Although school would be the perfect setting for a good "love potion" story that you have here, I think Martin, age 20, and Jeff, age 25, are a bit too old for high school. A college/university setting might have been a better backdrop for this story.

Second, I think you have a lot going on in the story. My opinion is that you should have simply stuck with the love serum. I thought the "Condor" was a good device to establish the setting for Martin's lab, however, this is where I think things went wrong. I think you push things a bit too far when Martin uses the condor to save Angelina at the end of the story. Just too much... Although this is SciFi, there still needs to be an element of believability. The audience is ready to to accept your story and follow it into the realm of fiction, however, if you push it too far, they will reject it. That's what happend to me.

You have a good story here. Guy lusts for girl, makes love potion to get girl, gives girl wrong potion, saves her from sucide, and gets the girl at the end. Good foundation here... The codor is simply a distraction for me that takes me right out of the story. SciFi is what it is, but it's hard to imagine a 20 year old high school student who can't seem to afford lab equipment, but he can afford to make a jet powered flying machine. Stick witht the potion.....

I think it's a very good story premise, however, I will give it a fair for my reasons above. I wouldn't change too much here, just don't use the condor like you did. This could be a very engaging and filmable story with a few "minor" changes.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

You had me fooled with the serum switch, but everything turned out a little too easy for Martin. If there were a little more conflict it would have been better, but I thought it was good anyway. I liked the use of the voice over.

I think you need to proofread this a little better though. Some of the dialogue seemed to be missing words, and had odd question marks. And I've never seen a exclamation point in an action line.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Birds do it, rats in cages do it! Even students in Colleges do it. So just help them do it, help them fall in lust. I really liked the upfront realization and portrayal of young and perfectly natural attraction. You have presented your story in a slickly and predictably progression, there were no real surprises. The date rape chemical overtones are sad. There are many useful lessons for young people in your short film. Good observations about the peer pressure so prevalent in the education system. Young love can be so bipolar and you captured that peer pressure smart-ass college atmosphere wonderfully in this script. Your crazy rescue scene was really over the top but it did fit the Sci-Fi criteria.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Nice story that had a warm feeling to it. An old love potion tale given a nice twist. I was kind of worried when I read the title, but in the end I felt glad I was not dissapointed. Kids go through this scenario (sanz the serum) and it was nice to see it retold in a new way. I would suggest some work on the dialogue. The language was very typical and had a few grammar errors. Other than that it was a good read. The condor falling flat after catching angelina in mid air is not what I expected, but was certainly better than what I had expected.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Nice story. I thought the twist about the depression serum was great, created the perfect amount of conflict at just the right time.

I think your descriptions could be stronger. What do "stupid students" look like? And there were a lot of typos, which distracted me from your story. Also, why are twenty-year-olds in high school??? Did you mean for this to be set in collage? If not, high school students are generally 14-18 (at least in the US).

Great moral in the end. A little cliche maybe, but I like it.

Leigh Fenty (Level 3)

Cute story. There seem to be a lot of little mistakes, missing words, etc. Also watch on your descriptions, there are directions that can't be shown, they are more narrative. I would just suggest that you proof-read a lot before you submit. Also helps to have someone else read it, because many times you will skip right over mistakes in your own work and not even see them. Good effort.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is cute, and I liked it. Very good story.

Some minor things -
I think you meant college rather than high school.
You want to stay away from too many descriptives. Write what the audience will see, not questions or comments.

You're a very good story teller. Work on the script writing format and you're going to shine.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was silly. :) I liked Martin. He had a very likeable personality.

I think things got a little rushed at the end which is a common issue in these 5 page SP's. It seemed Martin had no chance with Angelina but then he tricks her into accepting a date with him. It ends up not really being a trick, she finds out, naturally gets mad at him but then the next day she's over it? The ending seemed rushed and therefore not believable that she would forgive him so quickly.

Your grammar is a bit off. This hurt the dialog in quite a few places.

And you use a lot of wrylies. I used to do this as well but then I learned it's better to describe the characters actions in the narrative instead of giving it away by using a wrylie.

Anyway, I thought the story was very cute and I did like Martin. Keep writing, you will get better every time, it just takes practice. The hard part is coming up with a good story and you did that. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I felt that the characters and plot of your script were very clichéd, which was a shame, because the only limit is your imagination when it comes to Sci-Fi, provided you can explain it away with long words.

Some of the dialogue had an odd rythm. "Did you see depression serum?" I wouldn't miss out the definitive article here. It may work sometimes in description for effect, but I don't know many people who talk that way, in real life or movies, unless there's a good reason for it.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

It’s good to finally find an excellent.

It’s easy to root of the lovable loser; you’ve got a likable protagonist here.

I liked that he had a goal (win Angelina’s heart) and that he actively pursued it. I liked that there were obstacles and complications in his quest (he takes the wrong potion). There are high stakes (the girl’s life) and a clear theme (you gotta trust yourself).

Time for nitpick: After the PG rom/com introduction it was a bit of a shocker to see that rat banging its head till it bled, followed by Angelina about to commit suicide. There might be a tone problem here; all of a sudden you went too dark.

It was a good dramatic choice to add complications to Martin’s quest, but I wonder if there isn’t a way to do this without disrupting so much the tone. Maybe a complication more organic to the love/dating theme? Like, the potion works, and Angelina falls for Martin... but she also falls for every guy she meets, forcing Martin to deal with his self-confidence issues and do something to stand out from the rest.

Tightly written, though. One of my favourites.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

It was a nice concept for a story. I think it might have been a bit too big of a story for 5 pages though since it came off as kind of choppy in parts. Especially the switch between the science lab and the roof. And if this is high school why is the ages of the characters in their 20s?

Michael Rome (Level 4)

Liked the theme of not trying to shortcut getting over your fears.

You probably could have told the story without the voice overs, and it would have read a little more powerfully.

I wasn't clear on how he knocks her glass off the table, but it didn't spill.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

This one had some twists and turns. I think you have a nice, interesting story here but need to clean it up some. I loved the original idea with the love serum, but throwing in the depression serum made the story way too busy for five pages. I think you can get rid of the depression serum and still have a good story. Your action lines can also be better, so take a look at them. Also, your dialogue seemed a bit unrealistic at times. I’d try to clean up also. The grammar needs to be looked at thoroughly, a lot of errors here. One thing you did accomplish was keeping me intrigued while I read. I think this has lots of potential. It had a really good flow and you tell your story in an interesting manner. Clean it up and you got something special here.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Cute little fantasy story, but some things don't add up...

-Why are Martin and Jeff, who are guys in their 20's, still in high school?

-Why would Thomas create a depression serum, what would this benefit?

-Is this condor-vehicle common in this setting?

-Other than unrequited puppy love, Martin really has no real conflicts. As it turns out, Angelina agrees to go-out with him without the aide of love serum.

-Try to limit the use of parentheticals (wrylies) in a spec script.

-There are a few typos throughout.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

There is some good stuff in this, but it might be too much good stuff. The story is packed and twists and turns in a short space and introduces numerous concepts. I like some of the elements and it feels like a Sci-fi story although love potions appear in all kinds of stories.

The voice overs feel expositional to me. To get through this much story so quickly you need them because you don't have space to develop the themes in other ways.

Who is Dexter?

Are they at High School or at college?

"My self-confiden#ce# is..."

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Nice cute story even if predictable. I knew from the very start that he would get the hot girl in the end. What saved this story was that it almost ended in tragedy first. I didn't see the depressed serum coming at all so good job on that.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

This was funny, and the story was very complete. The Condor was a nice set-up and payoff, the way it is supposed to be done.

It was not earth-shattering in its originality, but it was well told. The VO's from Martin that bookend the piece serve it well.

It would have been nice if Angelina could have been a bit more rounded out as a character, as her final acceptance of Martin is a bit too convenient. And you need to introduce her in the library when Martin first sees her. I thought the "pretty girl" and Angelina were two different characters for a while.

But that is a minor quibble, and the quality of the work otherwise leads me to believe that was just an oversight on the part of the author. I enjoyed this one.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

All the grammar and language issues aside this was a cute story and had some great elements.

You apparently know the life and anguish of teenagers well. Martin doesn't come across as a total nerd. I don't think you need to make him one either. He is an outcast and his V.O. helps in this case. Also later when Angelina accepts his invitation you describe him as now looking handsome.

So, I would suggest, you describe him as ordinary and then he starts paying attention to how he looks and changes himself.

The "Condor" was good foreshadowing but overkill in this case.

Did you think you had to add more sci-fi to this story and therefore used this sub-plot?

I don't think you need it. I had a problem with the whole suicide call on cellphone condor rescue sequence and compared to the rest of the story it felt forced.

Just before that you had a rat banging its head against the cage. I laughed at that.

A good idea would be to show the date and Angelina tries to kill herself as he tries to score with her. Think about it.

Also maybe Thomas and Martin could resolve the jock situation with Jeff by giving him a coward serum or something. You can resolve that.

Your dialog's do need work. My best advice is to stick to one or two lines as you initially write and then if you want, you can add a few more in the second or third drafts. Observe how people around you talk.

Do re-write this. It has potential.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I'm so glad that Angelina didn't die in the end, that would have been very predictable, but you made her live and the ending was satisfying. I'm not sure why your HS students are so old. Is there a reason for that?

There are some good moments in the story. The guy gets the girl, because he went for it, and took a chance. Probably not very realistic, but hey it's a movie.

Good job.

Title Fair
Story Good
Dialogue Good
Concept Fair
Characters Good

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

You have a good story. I like how you opened it to set the scene and let us get to know Martin. I like how you made it circular, ending at the same place you began but with different results. You have some typos that will make the story read better when they are fixed.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This is a pretty tried and tested formula. Boy can't get girl, gains special power to get girl, realises he didn't need the special power at all. I'd have liked a fresh spin on it.

The V.O worked well at the end but not as well at the beginning. I'd reword the start or maybe lose both. I guess you can't have the end one without the start.

I also think that 5 pages couldn't do the story justice. You had to show why Angelina liked him but that didn't come across.

Still, a decent script.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

The plot unfolds nicely if in a predictable way. I found the story and characters too cliche for my liking and the VO narration and lengthy, explanatory dialog did little to develop meaningful relationships between the characters. And that was the script's biggest flaw, I wasn't feeling Marin's desire for Angelina or her 180, even if he actually slipped her the love serum in the end (which I'm not sure if he did or not).

Comments Made After the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5) ~ 10/2/2008 1:57 PM

Thanks every one for the reviews. They were really helpful. Sorry about the Grammar and spelling mistakes. I am really trying hard to proofread my work before submitting, but nothing goes according to the plane. I'll try harder next time.

The age issue was a mistake. Sorry for this :P. About the dialogue that seemed forces in some parts of the script. I don't know what to say. May be few examples where he really felt forced will help me to get ride of this problem.

I guess my problem that I always try to tell a big story in a small space. I'll see what I can do about this in my next scripts.

Hey Matias, glad it was one of your favorite. Thanks again for all the reviews from the harsh ones to the kind ones. I know every one here is trying to make me a better writer. I promise I will be ...someday :)

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 10/2/2008 2:14 PM

Hey Ammar,

I really enjoyed a lot of the sequences in the script and the rat was hilarious.

You are right, this has a few sub-plots that will work better in a slightly longer piece.

Here's my take on some of your dialog.


JEFF
(mocking)
Is your girlfriend going to be a
bit late? Was you waiting for her
for a long time like...forever?

Asking two questions in a dialog doesn't always work quite well. In this case he is being sarcastic in both but means the same.

I think the second question will work much better and you don't need the first.


MARTIN
Oh my god! I think I made a
mistake. But how she accepted?
Does it have a side effect like
the love serum effect?

Besides the grammatical error in "But how she accepted?" (But how did she accept?) you need to have him ask the other question about the side effect separately. Maybe after some description because he just realized it. Together it feels forced and rushed.

Oh my god! is surprise and shock.
But how she accepted? Is curiosity.
But does it have a side effect? Is horror or fear.

Three emotions in the same dialog feels forced.

ANGELINA
Martin...I don’t think I deserve
to live. Good bye Martin.

Repeating a Characters name twice doesn't work well. But in this case maybe because she's drugged it might work.

ANGELINA
(on the edge)
LIAR! If so, why it took you that
long to say it, heh? WHY? WHY?

First the grammar,

Why did it take you so long to say it, eh? Why?

You don't need the extra why, why. This feels very over the top.


I think you have shown a lot of improvement. Be proud.

This script reminded me of Honey I shrunk The Kids, Goonies, Revenge Of the Nerds.

Nice job.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5) ~ 10/3/2008 11:09 AM

Rustom, you are the best moderator this site has ever known. With all these examples and these detailed explanations, you left me no excuse to make these mistakes again. Thank you a lot, Rustom. You are my hero. :D

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 10/3/2008 11:20 AM

Now start a fan club. And send me 50% of the membership fees. :D

Oh! And Erich cannot join.

I'm no hero. You just enjoy your writing and the mistakes will get better with the more you read and participate.

Though I'm the best, the others aren't too bad. You can ask any questions related to writing in the forums and they'll help you out.

Are you going to re-write this?

Ammar Salmi (Level 5) ~ 10/3/2008 12:11 PM

- "...And send me 50% of the membership fees"
You deserve more. But what should I do with the other half? By the way, I am planning to make the members pay the membership fees with scripts, which we have to review. See why I am concerned with my half. Good luck with yours. ;)

- "...Oh! And Erich cannot join"
I thought that was obvious.

- "I'm no hero...more you read and participate."
That's true. But What you think will keep me reading and participating, huh? Exactly, it's the heroes like you and all the reviewers in this site. God bless them.

- "Though I'm the best, the others aren't too bad"
I agree, with one exception. You know what I mean.

- "Are you going to re-write this?"
Well, with 52 hungry script waiting for me, and a love story titled by an element from the periodic table, I don't think I am going to rewrite it any time soon. But I promise you that I will as soon as possible.