Comments Made During the Contest

Ali Barr (Level 4)

You definitely got me at the end. I was asking myself, "What is really the conflict in this story other than curiosity about this guy in the white coat?" Great ending. It really came together well.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

I was really liking this, then Wilkes has to ruin the ending for me by standing there and explaining directly to Keenan.

It's not an original story (nothing really is anymore, so don't worry), but you still kept it interesting. I knew what was happening and where it was going, but I never got bored with it. Nice job there.

Some good transitions with the dream sequences.

Fix that damn ending. I'm really annoyed about it. This story was going good and deserves a better ending than that.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Interesting idea. Because it was a series of dreams, the script was a bit confusing to try to follow. The last bit of dialogue was very 'on the nose' and the ending, in general, didn't seem logical. Like Santa, he's gotta believe or the magic is gone? The ending just felt a bit cliche. Overall, I enjoyed the concept and the unique twist on lucid dreaming, but the end needs work, in my opinion.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

This really felt less like a short and more like a series of events. This
happens then this then this. Not a story but something else. i hope
that makes sense.

I've read a couple that had to do with dream scenarios so far, but this really
felt disjointed and not a complete story. In order to be a complete story,
i suspect it'd have to be longer.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I think when you have a dream sequence you should put BACK TO SCENE when it ends.

Christopher Columbus! An INT/EXT. FLASHBACK/”DREAM SEQUENCE” - NIGHT - what is that?! It's making my head reel!

'Keenan shutters' - I don't know what this means.

I do think it's a shame when the explanation has to be delivered by a speech from a doctor at the end. It was disappointing for me. Although I found the screenplay confusing, I think because of the lack of correct formatting, this could be sorted out - and anyway, this sort of nightmare is MEANT to be confusing, right?

But then to have that speech? Sorry, no, spoiled it for me.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Very well done. Really enjoyed how this turned out, the dream machine actually being that.
Very cleverly thought out. Really enjoyed it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great twist at the end and a very original idea as well.

I had to read this story twice to make sure I got it all, but I love all the hints you sprinkled throughout and the way the scenes inter-cut. If I had one complaint, it would be that it's hard to imagine any mother attaching her child to that machine.

Still, your craft and the visuals are all very good. Well done.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I gave this one a 3.

An interesting idea and a complete story.

Fairly easy to follow even though it's broken up into a lot of short scenes. Most of the dialogue was OK, except for the very last part when the doctor gives him the bad news. That was twelve lines of exposition that mostly wasn't needed. You could have said it all with something like: "Sorry, kid, the dream machine only works when you believe it's real".

This story is worth a rewrite.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

A rather quick wrap up explaining everything. I know it said dreams in the title so at least it wasn’t a surprise. And it wasn’t quite a dream. Still, a bit more mystery as to what is happening, particularly with the young man, would help me with this script.

I think the story has a good flow to it.

A disconcerting thing to me: A mansion and new cars may or may not be someone’s dreams. Maybe for a young person like your lead character it is. So I guess the mansion/cars are OK.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

You gotta believe huh? I didn't get much from this, I understood it alright, but the story seemed to be lacking. A cruel joke on the boy for no reason. I don't know what to sugggest to make it better.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Super idea. Your creative solipsism tale differs from all those other mind-machine fantasies that I have viewed! You have formatted it out beautifully and it just flows along like honey. Every thing fits tightly together. What we think is real, well I guess that is reality, eh! Good job.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

The SciFi aspect of this story was really intriguing. The Dream Machine would be an amazing device. The way it was used in the story was very imaginative indeed, I did not expect that coming my way at all. However, I must say that there are three things I think kept this script from being a winner. First, the dialogue was not up to par. The language seems a bit too cliche and had little substance to it. Second, The dream sequence did not speak clearly enough to convey what was going on within the dream. I had to re-read several parts to understand it, and it wasn't because it was vague, just improperly structured. Third, The ending seemed to be rushed. The end was especially important because it is when Keenan realizes what actually happened to him, but it all happened to quick and coldheartedly. This script defenitely has some great potential and could easily have been excellent. All in all not a bad concept and it was an interesting read.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

The story idea was good, the dialog needs some tweaking. The dream within the dream was good, but somewhere along the way the story got lost. There was no real conflict within the story everything was good, happy and no problems. There is no depth to the characters; the basketball shoots were a good flow into the alternate reality but to what purpose. There was no mention of the car wreck (i.e. accident, then a move and all is great). It could be a good short, but needs more character building and story tweaking.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Regarding the description that begins "Suddenly, the room appears to melt..."
You can shorten it to "The room melts..." Avoid adverbs ("suddenly"). They're unnecesary.
And the Man's exposition at the end reads/sounds exactly like exposition. It needs some work.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This reminds me of the Star Trek pilot. It doesn't feel like you drew from that at all, though. I love the concept.

The change from the beginning scene to the everything-I-ever-wanted scenes that follow is a bit too drastic. A slower build to the final dream scene would have been nice.

Nice work.

Mark Hockings (Level 1)

Enjoyed reading this. However, there was a slight logical problem in the script's plot. Why did it take two month's for Keenan to realise that the dream wasn't reality? He had been playing on the basketball team for that time (in his mind) etc so the conditions to 'realise' were the same anyway. However, well written with good pacing.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I was wondering the whole time how you were going to wrap up this story. It was pretty cool...and creepy. :)

Good job on easily bringing us through different time periods and locations without confusion. That's not easy in 5 pages.

I didn't totally connect with any of the characters, even Keenan. No one really popped off the page for me. Amy seemed robotic to me but maybe that was your intent since he was actually dreaming.

The idea was interesting. After I read it I couldn't help but think, how long would they have kept him in that state of mind? He was in some kind of coma state? Just seemd sort of cruel in a way to have someone wake from an amazing dream just to find that life as they knew it is over. It did make me think. :)

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Well-written and engaging, kept me reading until the end, but I think the story falls short, as though you ran out of pages at the end. The final speech from the doctor is pure exposition, and it feels inadequate as a pay-off to what was a pretty interesting story up until that point.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I liked the dream machine concept.

I wish you established the conflict earlier; the script ends right after the main conflict is introduced.

It’s cool to end with a twist, but everything leading to the twist must be interesting as well.

Things were too good for Keenan, new car, new house, good mom, hot girlfriend that blows him; there wasn’t any conflict during most part of this tale.

The “something’s wrong with the world” angle is quite interesting, but I think you should have introduced it right away to build tension and mystery from the start.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought this was a nice little concept and you did an enjoyable job on the execution as well. It definitely qualified as sci-fi. I think, because of the page length it seemed a bit choppy at time and you could easily fill a couple of more pages.

Where you started to lose me was when the van went over the side of the cliff. I'm not sure why you choose to go this direction with it, probably to tell us what really happened, but it certainly didn't fit in with the rest of the dreams. If anything i would have put this dream just before he woke up.

The ending, where it stops if you don't believe in it, could use a bit of work.

Michael Rome (Level 4)

I liked it except for the 'dream machine' part. In my opinion it would have been a stronger piece if he was experiencing being in a coma, and they were disconectin him from the life support, but maybe then it wouldn't have qualified as science fiction.

Paolo Tinari (Level 3)

That was simply excellent to me. Nice story and skilled writing. Bravo

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I appreciate the goal you were going for in the end, but I kinda saw it coming. Don't know if that payoff works overall.

Overall, formatted properly, well written, easy to follow.

One thing I did notice, but it's small- Up until the fourth page, all the action paragraphs and sentences are short, to the point, no more than two lines long. This is perfect, it reads easy and fast. But starting on page four, the sentences began to clump together in four or five line paragraphs. It just felt like as the story progressed you were running out of room and just fit it all in at the end. No big deal, just an observation.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is really good. The technique is good (perhaps some of the parentheticals are not required). There is great tension in the story.

You are striking a difficult balance between revealing too much and making it obvious what is coming and making it seem like nothing happens. I think you succeeded although it does get to a point at which it is clear where it's going. I wonder if there might be a way to maintain the ambiguity for longer.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I thought you did really well on this one. I'm giving it a Very Good.

I liked how the man in the white coat kept reoccurring. Also liked the use of Dream Machine being Keenan's nick name, title and the name of the machine.

Very nice job!! :-)

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

This one has a nice payoff, but tips its hand a bit early. The man in the white coat and his first line of dialogue telegraph exactly where this script is heading.

Perhaps there is some other way to foreshadow the end -- without using the mysterious white-coated man? It is shame that he gives the twist away so blatantly, because this is otherwise a tightly conceived piece full of really nice touches.

Mom telling Keenan that "he only lives once", Zoe warning Keenan off the cliff, and the whole "Dream Machine" idea that dovetails so smoothly into the conclusion of this story. All of that is quite good.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The two scenes that confused me a bit and threw me off were the "Dream Sequences." Those were the real scenes and therefore the rest of it was actually a dream sequence.

I just wish there was a better way for you to convey the fact that he does try to break his trance and remember his reality.

The Matrix had a similar idea but your story works quite well in five pages.

The best scene involved the improbable basketball shooting and I liked the irony of his basketball game breaking his virtual reality. Good job there.

I'd prefer for him t be given a choice to go back in the virtual world of lies or face his facts and that would really connect him with the audience.

A few of the ideas might help enhance the re-write.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Interesting concept. I liked your story. I was a little confused, I'll admit, with the flashbacks and dream sequences. But after reading it once, I read it again and it makes more sense.
I think the twist at the end is good, and ends the story just right.

Good title, and the formatting was good, dialogue good and I enjoyed the story quite a lot.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I thought it was a good idea, but a bit too 'right there' for me. I could see it from very early on and it took a bit of the interest away.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This was pretty good. I thought the story flowed well and the characters' motivations and actions made sense (this is important). There are a lot of typographical problems that distract the reader a little. Also, the end seems a little abrupt, and at the same time predictable. The doctor's very on-the-nose speech would probably work better as a more real dialogue. And if I were to rewrite it, I think I'd try to smash the whole car-crash angle into the very end so it's more of a surprise. As it is, you can pretty easily tell what's going on, even if you don't know the specifics. Anyway, good job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 10/1/2008 12:29 AM

Great job, really enjoyed this one.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 10/1/2008 11:10 AM

Nice work Kathleen! I liked this a lot. It had a nice pace to it, and the eerie man in the white coat kept things tense. Great job.