Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I can appreciate the tongue in cheek humor but as a story the ending kinda runs out of gas. Just going onto the website is kinda dull. Plus, I would reduce the actions. Such as--he pops opens his laptop and clicks a button and there is the website.

If you are going for silly humor you could expand on that with making the contest larger than it is-- a parade, a visit for the president etc whichb could be real or a dream. If you want to go large than by all means go large.

But a part of me thinks the ending would have been a better tribute and a good twist if Thomas didnt win even though he had the suit because he wasn't the man that is Matias.

I think the idea you have here is great and with some embellishment could be even greater.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Not sure where the title comes from, but a clever story for us MoviePoet people. Some inside jokes could be missed if they haven't been here for a long time.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I found this to be entertaining but relatively unfilmmable. It's like an inside joke that only we, at Moviepoet, will get. Written well, funny, and I'm certain Matias will be honored when he reads it (and Charlie will let out a groan). Nice job. I got a kick out of it.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I'm really not very sure how to react to this script.

My general thought is, that if I were Matias, I'd be so very embarrassed to read this that I'd never show my face on MP again (although I'm sure that's not your intention and he may well be flattered and roar with laughter!) It has made me cringe and, by the way, I think Matias' work is peerless and he's a great guy, humble in the face of outstanding success. I'm afraid your timing for writing this was unfortunate, coming on the back of an upsurge of feelings expressed by newer MP members about how undermined they felt by constant 'Matias worship' and how, in some cases, it almost put them off joining MP. Although this shouldn't be a factor in judging your story, it leads me on to my second thought, which does affect my review in terms of 'watchability'

The thought is, WHY did you write this? It's a screenplay that so very few people in the universe would be able to relate to. Very much an in-joke amongst a handful of friends. What on earth will newbies think if they come across this? They won't know who on earth you're talking about so any humour that you intended will be completely lost. (Note: I wrote this BEFORE the thread on the forums)

You're obviously an accomplished writer, the story is well-written as far as structure goes - so why not spend your valuable time producing something that the world at large would want to see? Perhaps there is some way you could adapt this idea to make it more generally appealing?

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Oh, my...

Okay, the good. You write well, technically speaking, and you actually have some jokes and gags in here that would be okay were it not for the subject matter.

I enjoyed the ending, repeating "I won" to himself smugly. Pretty cute.

The bad news is that no one outside of MP.com would have any idea what you are talking about and I think that most of those who do are going to be as embarrassed for you as they turn the pages as I was. I couldn't wait for it to end because I can't imagine what is going to be said about it and I cringe thinking that poor Matias will have to read it himself and be embarrassed as well.

Knowing all of this, I don't think a single joke really worked. It all seemed so far reaching and over the top. I think you probably have a talent for comedy and I hope that you try it again, but with something a little less hero-worshiping than this.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was a very fun read, although it's a tough script to review since it's full of inside jokes (which I enjoyed very much).

Your craft is very good, but as a story, I think this needs a lot more conflict. What is the "dark-side" of being Matias Caruso? If he is a super-hero he must have a weakness or a super-villain. I think if you had explored those possibilities this would be a much stronger story.

Still, on a personal level, this did make me chuckle.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I can't wait to see the scoring on this one.

I only have two issues, one minor, one major.

Minor thing - the trunk is introduced twice, the first time (as per inst.) it is in the corner, and the corner is illuminated by a shaft of light. The second time it is in shadows. What's up with that?

Major thing - "Suddenly, Thomas’ body moves of it’s own free will." I don't see this the way it is. Unfortunately, I wouldn't know how to show this without some kind of dialogue, and Thomas is alone in the scene.

An ode to the greatest MP screenwriter ever! The way you guys rib Matias, I would expect to see one with a voodoo doll pin cushion, lol. Good job with this.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

For those of you who wonder if there is something higher to aspire to than Level 5. Here you go.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Super! Just super! Bravo, I applaud your virtuoso script writing performance. Of course the story would only be truly meaningful to a select, knowledgeable audience of scripting aficionados. So wonderful as it undoubtedly is, it does lack universal appeal. Exclusivity of message is it’s only flaw.

Obviously I enjoyed reading your script written by-the-seat of Señor Caruso’s pants. A winner!

John LaBonney (Level 4)

While the concept that he gets his wish of winning a moviepoet concept is cute, I think that I was expecting some problem to arise out of the use of this costume, and for this problem to be the conflict in the story.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Yes, very amusing :)

I’m still the new-boy round here so stories about other forum members will be of limited interest to me (as it will to the outside world.) Still, I did pick up enough to enjoy it. I suppose if I’m nit-picking, there’s one or two formatting errors (...I’m still learning in that department myself!)

For example, on page 3, the characters go from “INT. LIVING ROOM -DAY” to the “BEDROOM” instead of “INT. BEDROOM - DAY” I’m sure somebody would correct me if I’m wrong but as the BEDROOM is not a sub-location in the LIVING ROOM, it requires a “INT”

Still, the story raised a smile on my face.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Funny : P

I really don't know how to respond to this script. It was easy to read and flowed nicely. I loved the description of Thomas in the "MC" super hero suit, especially the tango bit, and then the tragic rip. I enjoyed you poking fun at us moviepoet screenwriters, loved the wife's reaction when he won. But it made me feel a little uncomfortable too.

Overall, very fun idea. Well executed.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

That script was hilarious! I like how you incorporated the site into your script. Good job!

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

Easy read, cute idea, but not a very compelling story. Nothing to draw us in. Maybe if MC came to Thomas as a muse in his costume, creating a conflict of is this real or is my mind going crazy. Dialog flowed well, but lacked excitement.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Nice MP plug. Fun little short, and it's also nice to see the screenwriter get a little love. Seriouly, what would those Oscar winning actors, actresses, and directors have done without the screenplay?

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I hope Matias doesn't get a big head when he reads this script. Though it is a nice tribute to him. I had a feeling when Thomas put on the custom he'd end up writing a great script. Unique way of using the super hero theme.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

What to say... This is only my 3rd month, so I'm only vaguely aware of the legend of Matias...

Is he really that good?
Have his scripts really been made into movies? Anywhere at any time?
Doesn't he mind that white suits get really dirty so dang fast and eventually won't come clean at all?
Does the suit really help as you say it does?
Is he going to tell me I've used "really" way too many times?

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Holy Crap...that was so funny. Totally didn't expect that. LOL. A self-fulfilling prophecy?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

OK...I'm just going to say that I didn't like it. If it was meant to be funny, it wasn't. It was too predictable to be funny. Inside jokes don't translate very well to people who aren't in on it.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

LOL, how am I supposed to write an objective review about this piece?

For obvious reasons, you should take everything I say about this script with a grain of salt, but here it goes…

These scripts are so much fun. I remember that some guys at simplyscripts wrote a script with members of the site as characters; I was suspecting that sooner or later something similar was gonna happen here.

I’m flattered that I had a part to play in the story and I laughed plenty of times while reading it. “American Cutie”, “Natural Born Healers”, the flag’s colors, the tango dance, lots of funny details.

My only suggestion when writing these stories where the protagonist finds some kind of magical item, would be to make the item both a blessing *and* a curse in order to inject more conflict into the story.

In this particular case of a screenwriting suit (lol), it would be very cool if there were a price to pay for the writer’s success: learning the craft requires time and sacrifice and I think that’s an angle you could have explored with this tale.

Sorry if I’m over-analyzing the story; perhaps you were only aiming to have some fun with this. I don’t have a clue of what other readers will think about this piece, but I had a lot of fun reading it. It put a smile on my face.

Thanks for the read.

Really looking forward to see who wrote this one!

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Hahaha. We should all try to get one of those. Then imagine the scripts we would have to read here at MP. And as far as first place goes there would be a 55 way tie. I enjoyed it. Thanks.

Michael Langley (Level 3)

Very clever and a nice tie in to this website. I thought your script was funny, original, and very clever. I have no suggestions. Great job!

Michael Leath (Level 3)

What a great script!

To be fair, you'd never get this produced. However, for topical humor, this rates right up there.

The real difficulty is writing this and it falling on its face. If you didn't have the skill to pull this off, this would have been a caricature of what this is.

I bet this wins just because of the story itself. It surely made me laugh, and I haven't had to watch Matias win over the months since I just got here.

Good luck with this. Brilliant!

Michael Rome (Level 4)

Very good satire and farce. I'm sure for those who have been members on the website longer it is even funnier.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

funny inside joke for MoviePoets; may not be so appealing to the general public. anyway, I'm rating this based on story.

Plot: Thomas types at super hero speed needed more foreshadowing. as it is, the only thing exposed was that Matias Caruso writes blockbuster movies. needed some early exposition of how fast Matias writes the masterpieces.
Character: the right amount of characters for the choices you made.
Setting: nothing too exciting about your choice of settings.
Point of view: remained constant.
Style, tone, language: I'll admit it - you can write. maybe not as well as Matias Caruso. I had no problem reading this from beginning to end.
Imagery: for the most part, I could see each scene clearly during the read.

as a MoviePoet, I was entertained. even laughed out loud at the first revelation of "It's a Matias Caruso costume."

I'm tempted to rate this Excellent just so you can have your first MoviePoet win at Matias Caruso's expense. I'll be really surprised to find out Matias wrote this himself. Since he doesn't need another win, I'll rate based on its true merit.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Funny in-joke. Format is good. Character description for Thomas is brisk but informative.

Vicky's description seems irrelevant. Avoid passive voice in action text - 'The trunk opens.'

Not sure what else to say about the story.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Cute, wishful-thinking story, but overall didn't work for me.

I got the feeling the writer wasn't too serious about this one, just trying for a few MoviePoet.com inside jokes and laughs.

Easy to read and follow, descriptive, formatted correctly, no major typos detected.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

Clever and funny. The ending is good although of course in reality it would have ended with him coming second to "Black Rose Sex Doll Part XII" sent in from the afterlife by Matias Caruso! Your script has a few problems before it reveals its point and then after that I think you settled down into writing really well.

"In the background we hear..." -- "We" is not a good idea and in fact this whole line is not required because the (O.S.) on the next dialog tells us this.

"A trunk sits in the dark shadows." -- Didn't you tell us a few moments ago that the trunk was there, and that it was lit by a shaft of sunlight?

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This line on the opening page is a bit iffy.

Thomas glances over to the dark corner.
A trunk sits in the dark shadows.

We have seen the trunk before. So is this a different one? If not, just have "He sees the trunk." after he glances in the corner.

Okay, fine. Now that you have vented this out of your system (I hope) you could have gone a number of ways as far as the ending is concerned.

Why hold back? Wouldn't it be funnier if you had Thomas compete against MC at MP. Or maybe MC arrives at your door looking for his costume. Or we cut to MC sitting in his Villa in Argentina, watching football in his underwear and his Latin butler informs him that his new costume has shrunk and the old one can't be found. And he has to finish the latest Michael Bay script.

I enjoyed this one, but wanted you to go all out, since the references make this a tight community script and finding a producer does not seem like its intention anyway. Vent away my friend I guess many readers will like this one.

Keep writing.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I had to laugh through the whole script. Well written and funny. Of course only the MP people will appreciate it, and the concept etc. But it was good fun and I really enjoyed it.

I hope you win this month with it. I almost gave you an excellent, but I saved that for the real Matias.

Nice work!!

Samantha Crawford (Level 2)

a little self indulgent but very funny

Shaheryar Ahmed (Level 3)

I loved thisone. I think this is by far the bes t script I have ever read. And I have a feeling that this might win! Anyway...

I loved the paradies of the movies you mentioned: "American Cutie, Born on the 3rd of July, Zobra the Geek and Natural Born Heroes"... lol... I loved it. It seems as if you are a fan of Oliver Stone.

I love the dialogues. Very funny and very interesting. Quite real at the same time. Hmmm.. Matias is quite famous around here. Naturally... he has won all the competions he has entered. I do agree he is like the super screenwriter. Loved the script. Amazing imagination.

Stan Askew (Level 3)

This is well-done and funny. Since it is a MoviePoet in-joke it will be interesting to see how the MPs respond. I've got nothing to suggest, as it was mistake-free, mean, lean and effective. But an in-joke. I'm sure it will be very appreciated by the target audience. Appreciative enough to place in the contest? The contest is secondary to the fun. Can't wait to see the results.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

haha this would be even funnier if Matias wrote it. Obviously tongue in cheek but I'll review it as I would normally.

Everything about it was really good apart from the lack of a problem. I think you needed to introduce the movie poet comp early on, because when he enters it it's a bit out of the blue.

Raised a laugh though and I enjoyed it.

Stina Carlstedt (Level 3)

Hahahahahaha!!!

I really wish you hadn't kept the in-joke, because there is a really good story in there (and I guess that story is "Faust"), the pacing is good, the dialogue is excellent, but the discussion on the body of work of Matias Caruso just yanked me out of the flow and the ending went nowhere.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Cute & clever. Inspired by envy or wishful thinking perhaps? I'm sure Matias will enjoy it, but if we inflate his ego any further, it will need its own zip code.

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

Very funny to those in the know. Unfortunately that limits its audience.

Writing style and dialogue Good.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This script had good dialogue and pacing, but it felt like it was sucking up way too much. It seemed like this script was one big joke and it didn't have a punchline. It didn't go anywhere for me other than maybe giving Matias an ego trip.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

While I understand the homage to Mr. Caruso, maybe it could be better had Thomas lost the contest, got angry, burned the costume and went on a Caruso hunt? Something to throw us off from what is too obvious, and also would add a bit more conflict.

There was no way of knowing what that Thomas was a writer, and that would add to his amazement and love of finding the costume to begin with.

Some funny movie titles.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Cute. Nice humorous twists on the movie titles. Make sure you proofread aloud for grammar and punctuation. Change: "all time" to "all-time", "semi shocked" to "semi-shocked", "super hero" to "superhero", "A sound of the front door opens and then closes" to "opening, then closing", "still adorn his face" to "adorn" and you do not need "The End" after FADE OUT:.

Comments Made After the Contest

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2008 1:17 AM

Interestingly enough... the people I was making fun of seemed to have hated this the most.

Not Z of course. I knew he would understand it was all in fun.

If you read this Z, Congrats to your win again. ;-)

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 9/2/2008 6:25 AM

I liked it, but you have to show Matias in his underwear watching football and writing a Michael Bay script in the re-write.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 9/2/2008 4:01 PM

Thanks Rusty!!

We used to have quite a few of these scripts show up at SS. They are usually amusing and it's fun to read about the forum members/characters. Since Matias winnings have become almost funny and there had been some people joking on these forums about a super hero costume and things like that, I thought it would be fun to have a little fun with this. Matias' continuing winning streak and us members for making jokes about how amazing he is, the costume and looking up to him and so on. I knew only "insiders" would get the jokes, but I was VERY surprised to read the few comments that were appalled by this script.

In no way did I write this out of "hero worship". I was making fun of us here and I thought I did it in a nice way.

Thanks again Rusty and everyone else for that matter that provided feedback, good or bad. I don't think I will rewrite this one though...

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 9/2/2008 4:19 PM

Ssh! It's not "fun", it's "satire" ;)

I hereby give you free license to satirize me and my scripts and my extremely lengthy reviews whenever you wish.

As long as MC or "Z" as you call him, gets it, don't worry 'bout it PC ;P

Arright!

Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 9/2/2008 6:53 PM

This is a Freaking RIOT! I knew MC would be cool with it. He is a big person! Legend! ;-)

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 9/2/2008 7:19 PM

It was fun reading the huge array of feedback on this one. Nice job Pia. I liked it, I just don't see much of a future on film for it. ;o)

Spencer McDonald (Level 4) ~ 9/2/2008 9:45 PM

Pia -- I just read your script. Loved it! You make me roar with laughter in a room filled with decadence and rules that go too far sometimes. This was fun and fun is good. You are a wonderful writer with loads of talent. I believe you could take Mr. Z. down one of these times. And... and you might be able to wear that super hero costume.

Great job. I get it that this was just for fun. Sometimes we are not really trying to write to sell, rather writing to entertain. A distinction that some should make. Oh that might be me censored. Wait... wait... here it comes....

Spencer McDonald (Level 4) ~ 9/2/2008 9:45 PM

Oh and who in there right mind would score you a poor. Actually, which three did?

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 9/3/2008 10:17 AM

Rusty,
I might do that one day! ;p
Btw, since we don't have a film forum anymore and you're a film guy. Here's a link to something I made for one of my film projects at the moment. I'd love to hear what you think. I have to confess, but the golfball clip is stock, but the rest is either my camera or a smaller Sony that fit on a helmet. www.youtube.com/user/swampmistress

Dawn and Brian,
Thanks!!
I thought it was fun too and no, I don't see this one ever being filmed either.

Spencer,

You crack me up!... and now I'm blushing too. ;-)

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/3/2008 10:44 AM

I love that promo you did. The edit is great.

I know I got rid of the filmmaking forum, but that was just because I wanted to combine the two forums. You should definitely post the video for all to see.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 9/3/2008 12:20 PM

Pia, that promo looks great. I second Chris' suggestion.

(And thanks again for the laugh. I'm glad that, after all, most readers liked your script.)

;-)

Robert Newcomer (Level 4) ~ 9/3/2008 2:37 PM

Haha -- this is inspired, Pia! And it is so funny to see a "forum script" outside of the SS boards, here at MP.

As funny as this is, it is even funnier to read some of the comments. "Who on Earth outside of MP would even want to read such a thing??"

Perhaps they have gotten the point by now -- that you wrote this knowing it was ONLY for the MP audience -- as a gift to some writer friends -- and something to laugh about.

You know that Z gets the joke, so I wouldn't worry about it. My only problem is that the chest of the costume should have had a big "Z" on it. Or does he not use that here?

Anyways, I enjoyed it quite a bit, Pia. Way to shake things up.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 9/3/2008 6:00 PM

Thanks Z and Bert too. I always loved the ones that were written at SS. Simply Noir was great and Simply BBQ was funny!! I even liked George's 160+ page Godfather remake.

Chris,

Thanks! I did the rough edit myself then a friend came over to my house and helped fine tuning it. I still see some things that could be made better, but it is what it is for now.

I don't want to post it on the forums for now since we still want to keep it under the radar until I see some names on the dotted line if you know what I mean. :-)

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 9/4/2008 4:22 AM

Cool promo Pia! The dialog was a brilliant bit of advertising.

Okay, some of my suggestions:

1.) Once the golf ball is hit, CUT. You stay a bit too long on the grass. Raise it's volume a bit. You have some birds twittering in the background, raise that volume and use them over black and fade/cut into the golf ball and then WHACK.

2.) The basketball audio too needs a KATHUNK WOOSH as it passes through the net. CUT.

3.)BOOM. Immediately kick the football.

4.)And the tennis ball.

Now, if you can add a soccer ball in there approaching the goal net and then we see your male lead bend down it will add symmetry as he will take the place of the goalkeeper. (Don't worry if you can't shoot that.)

5.)Add a slight reverb or echo to the VO. Very slight. It will take away the clean sounding feeling that happens when you speak into the mic rather than when someone is speaking to you.

6.) After he says, "mine takes two" does he do something like adjust his goggles or tighten his straps. Just staring at the camera he is static, then we cut and he starts his jump. A small action after he says the dialog and then we cut with him signaling and jumping off would enhance the pacing.

7.)You do a series of quick shots towards the end of the montage which I really liked. Add a bit more of those when you begin his jump from the plane. That would bookend the montage really well.

8.)Loved the end of the montage with "Are you ready to play?" Awesome.

9.)I'll be honest. I didn't like the rotating screen transition. Maybe, because it's too slow or maybe because the shot after it has a blue sky and his background is white.
A quicker flash like effect like someone is taking a picture might work.

10.)Like the text and graphic animation at the end. Very cool.

Yeah, tweak it a bit more. You have a knack for overall pacing and structure as you edit, not bad.

The promo is for a local TV channel?

What I got from this promo is that every episode or just in this video he is gonna tell me how Skydiving is now moving towards being a serious sport and not just an adventurous past-time.

Very cool.

All the best.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 9/4/2008 5:25 AM

Pia check your gatortales e-mail. ;)