Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

An amazing trip inside the trunk. Thanks for that. Quick tip, (v.o.) should be written next to the character name not beneath it. What is this story missing? The answer is obvious: Conflicts.

Conflicts is an important part of any story. What? The serpent? I would say the poor serpent. I wonder if anyone called 911 for her before she get drown. What I mean is the way was so soft along the story-line. No lovely curves. No wonderful twists. I don't know about you, but some people when you told them: " You shouldn't do it like this", they would like you to give them some examples how it should be. Well, ummm...let me think. Conflicts, conflicts (Striking my chin). That's it.
Zander knows the serpent already from a video game I guess. He know also that there is no way you can beat this serpent without a special weapon called ASNG (Anti-serpent nerves gas). Just to show us how video games still controlling his mind and limiting his imagination. Then he starts to lose his powers because his confident is getting weaker and weaker. The serpent almost ate the girl then he remember Gramps' words
GRAMPS
Dream the impossible dream, Zander.
Then he found out how to beat the serpent without this silly ASNG.
I hope that helped you understand what I mean.
Good luck ;)

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Once he goes into the trunk, the story seemed to lose focus for me. You have a reference to Loch Ness that seemed to come out of nowhere - are they at Loch Ness, is the girl being attacked by the monster - I couldn't figure it out. It's a good idea but maybe the page limit rushes the whole magical box element. A kid having to use his imagination instead of playing a video game is a good one though!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Pretty creative, well written with minimal typos. Because there was no emotional attachment for the the reader to the mother and daughter in fantasy land, I felt like the story was ultimately a bit anticlimatic. Overall a nice effort though.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was a cute tale - could have been in last month's contest. What I felt was that too much time was taken up with the build up (not exciting cinematographically) and too little time on the exciting bit, which was visually engaging

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This was a lot of fun, kinda had a "Princess Bride" feel to it.

Like the reluctant grandson and the dream come true sequence, would really be fun to watch.

That said, once Zander is in the clouds, the story begins to lose some of its appeal. Nessie attacking a little girl is a bit much and the dialogue seems somewhat forced toward the end (the mother especially).

Still, this is very good, but think it could be a lot better with a new last page.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

It was fun to read a fantasy. I wish we had more of those.

This story was very creative and original. It felt like it was all a young boy's dream.

I wish the story felt a little more magical though at the beginning and there was a little more danger in the end. For example, let the boy discover the trunk on his own and make his return (using the time lock) in doubt.

Still, this was a lot of fun.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Really good concept and I love the feel of this script. The pacing is quite good too, the dialogue is spot on and not too over the top wordy.

Really clean writing, lots of white space and so this makes for an easy read. Well done on the formatting as well.

I like the free spirit that you write with, like the sky is literally the limit.

I can't forget to mention the title is really catchy too.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

You gotta believe. Nice job with this. The tone was light, and nobody ever in serious danger. A good family short.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

This is a fun one. I'm always on board for something that indicts today's youth as having no imagination! (Wow...did I sound old just then?) A few things:

1)
If the theme is to use your own imagination instead of relying on things to be spoon-fed to you, don't have the boy "imitate" Superman. Find the thing that makes the boy peculiar and make him his own, completely unique, superhero.

2)
I feel like there are a few too many "Hallmark Commercial" comments throughout the first part of the script..."Live the dream, son.", "Just the heart of a little kid ready to live again.", "Dream the impossible dream..." Maybe play down the mournful pining of Gramp and play UP UP UP the mystery and intrigue of a box that let's you live your dreams. I mean, come on, a box like that is NEXT LEVEL! Don't play this scenario out like a commercial or an animated short...play it out like it is REAL. What would you do if somebody showed you that box...today...for real. You would be absolutely...what? Awe-struck? Afraid? Confused? Giddy? Find that emotion and multiply it by a grillion for Zander.

3)
This one goes hand in hand with (2). I just think the leadup into the box dragged on a little. We kind of knew the kid would get in the box sooner or later. You either need to (a)have him get in the box quickly and don't keep us waiting, or (b) make the struggle to get him into the box much more interesting. Raise the stakes somehow.

Ian Wills (Level 1)

Not a bad idea but I thought that Grandpa's line of "I don't have anything for it anymore" regarding the trunk would mean that he would have joined Zander in the adventure or similar so he's redeemed, of sorts (though I guess he's passing the trunk on to a new generation for his legacy).

For some reason I thought that Grandpa's dialogue was a little young for his character.

Maybe to tighten the script up a bit Zander's sister could have left the room before the adventure and he saves her from the loch ness monster.

Very imaginative!

John Brooke (Level 5)

Wonderful tall tale, or is it the real magic that you have scripted? It was easy to skim and easy to read fully focused. Good job, nice pacing and fanciful fun. Good old magic wins out every time over new fangled battery driven electronic illusion. I’m sure Zander will return for more of Gramp’s magic.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Nice story. The flashback sequence was something that definitely could have been without the use of flashback. I enjoyed the imagination that Zander experienced. In a film-world, I think the ending works okay.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I admire anyone who can write family adventures, it’s something that I could never do.

Your story is a good one but the descriptions let you down a bit. The text stutters at times rather than flowing and sometimes lack the dramatic umph that is needed. An example :-

‘Zander SHOOTS down to the city and weaves through the skyscrapers effortlessly. Then someone SCREAMS.’

...to me, ‘Then some SCREAMS’ makes the scream sound a little inconsequential. Perhaps something like...

Zander SHOOTS down to the city and weaves through the skyscrapers effortlessly.

-- a SCREAM, in the distance.

Zander freezes mid-flight, looks to where it came from... etc


I know we all have our own style of writing, but I just felt that your ideas were being muted. Still, it was an enjoyable story and I liked it.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

What a cute idea. I love the thought of a Grandfather teaching his grandson to use his imagination, and who wouldn't want to be able to fly and be a super hero? And you used some great visual imagery. I appreciate you showing us the boy dressing up as Superman when he was younger, instead of just having Gramp talk about it. Some of the dialogue seemed a little campy to me, and I would have liked to see a little more struggle between the boy and the lake monster, but other than that I thought it was a lot of fun!

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

Very entertaining! You packed a fun and complete story into those five pages. I thought that the ending would feel a bit rushed when he didn't go into the trunk until page 4, but you managed to make it fulfilling!

Kirwin Sullivan (Level 2)

This story has been told a few too many times. Try finding a new angle.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

Idea was cute. Missing elements; what game? You mention the game in dialog without mentioning its placement in action or scene heading. Why was the backpack in the attic? If he had the game in hand and was playing while grandpa was talking, which would be more typical, this would eliminate missing elements. What doesn't grandpa have anymore? This needs to be verbalized better. Feel what? What does dad feel is a waste of time? What did the dad not believe? In the magic? In imagination? This is too vague and the dialog is to unnatural, words like dunce (maybe dork would work), “Live the dream”; just doesn't seem like something grandpa would say at that instance. Idea was good for a shark boy/lava girl type of movie, just needed more flow and climax and an age adjustment on the boy.

Leigh Fenty (Level 3)

Cute story. I like how gramps felt he didn't have enough imagination left to use the trunk, but that his grandson did. There were a few spelling errors. You might want to watch out for that. Good effort though.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Less "Try this." "No thanks." Just get to the fantasy world ASAP and let audience live vicariously through Zander a little longer.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I thought it was sweet how you used a grandfather and grandson in the story. One thing I think the mother would be a little more distraught even after getting her daughter back safely. She seemed very nonchanlant about not going swimming again. I just don't think that is how a mother would react after her daughter was almost taken away from her. It was a neat idea to use the trunk as a way to exercise the grandson's imagination.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Minimal number of suggestions for improvement -

"Gramps looks at Zander with his eyes closed." Clear that line up.

Check your writing for simple errors like, "He's dressed a dark blue skintight suit."

I like this story line. I like that Zander pretends his game's battery pack isn't charged. I like the excitement that Gramps shows in sharing his secret with Zander. I like the end.

Nice work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was a cute story. I liked the idea of the magical trunk. But the adventure itself only lasted a short time, the rest of the story was set up. How about less set up, more action? I think, IMO, that would make it more exciting.

(V.O.) goes next to the character's name, not under it. This will also save you a space. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Your script had a nostalgic feel, but while there was no limit to the boy's imagination, I felt there was with the fantasy land that he visited. Flying is such an awesome power that it feels slightly wasted just fighting a generic serpent.

The relationship between Zander and his grandfather felt real throughout. I liked that their relationship isn't immediately made better by the magic trunk, but it's strengthened.

One small criticism I have is that I didn't know Zander had a backpack on until he started talking about it. A few more lines of description would've been helpful.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I dig the concept; really liked this trunk that transports you into another dimension where your dreams come true. I think you could have explored it in much more depth if you made the kid enter the trunk before page 4, which is a bit too late, given the page limit.

I also wish you found a way to inject a little more conflict and make it a bit more personal to your main character. The biggest threat here affects an extra (the girl in the lake) and Zander manages to defeat the monster pretty easily.

I think the story could work better if you come up with some problem/threat that affects the protagonist on a more personal level.

Nevertheless, I liked the idea.

Good job.

Michael Langley (Level 3)

Great story. I wish I had a trunk like that. The character are good. I think some of the language could be changed just a little - "child" instead of "little kid", or just "kid". Very well done.

Michael Leath (Level 3)

The technical aspect of this script is well done. But most are here. Where I find this script to be lacking is the story. It just doesn't catch the imagination.

Grandpa has a trunk that is magical. Grandpa's son didn't have the imagination to use it properly. The grandson does. Good concept.

But the action seems to be a let down for the setup. He saves a girl from the Loch Ness monster. OK, this is fiction, so Nessie can be real. But your segue into that part of the script wasn't set up at all. You suddenly are there with a child screaming.

My feeling is you had a notion, and then needed something for him to do. I dislike using the word weakness, Because you can write. But this is where the script lost steam. The saving the girl felt contrived at best.

Now if the child were to travel back in time and discover why his father didn't like the trunk. Maybe he had an experience that scared him into turning his imagination off. He was captured by the Loch Ness monster and Gramps had to come rescue him, then the story would have had purpose.

That would have felt a little more believable in a story of fantasy. Because Loch Ness isn't as popular today as it was many years ago. I would suspect a child today would visit some place less obscure, but his father would find Loch Ness intriguing.

The real balance in this script is the event which the child does while flying. That is where we soar with him and are awed by his activity. I felt your event was struggling to carry the weight of the concept of the script because it was delivered so quickly without set-up, and in and of itself not a head turner. You've got a better ideas inside, I think, and your writing shows it. It did not end up on the pagefor me here.

Good effort.

Michael Rome (Level 4)

Certainly a good theme about not letting the child & imagination inside die, but the story felt like it needed something more. Perhaps the child tries to teach the father, but the father just can't see it.

Other than a couple of typos, your description and dialogue were adequate.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Neat premise. Like the final line - perfect.

Needs another edit pass. Several sentences read as if they were only half-rewritten, with remnants of earlier versions. Story, action, & dialogue can be tightened up, with a few more twists. Plot feels a little light, with few surprises.

Technical format note - (V.O.) goes next to the character's name, not as a parenthetical.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

Nice little tale. I wish I had a magic trunk like that. The story was well-told and had a very nice flow. It was definitely easy to follow. I like your use of Flashback, Back To Scene, Insert Watch. They were incorporated nicely. I'd maybe trim the dialogue just a bit, add a few more action lines. Some of your formatting is a bit off. (V.O) should be next to the character's name, not below it. I'd like to see this on film, it'd be crazy. It could use a little work, but definitely a keeper. Nice work.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Fun, fantasy story.
The Voice-Overs are formatted incorrectly- ZANDER (V.O.)

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I enjoyed this. It's a month late on the contests but there's no harm in some family fun. The technique here is good.

I think that having Zander as a twelve year old feels a bit older than the character is written. Having said that I'd guess that you might have been going for a point about children growing up too quickly so it might fit with that.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Good story and well written.

My only complaint with this story is the predictability. As soon as Gramps mentions the super hero scene when Zander was seven there was never a doubt on where this was heading.

Still a good story though.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This is a really fun script. I don't know how you'll get the budget, but it would be fun to see this. Maybe green screen?

I like the title, I think you could take this story and make it into a feature length. There would be a lot of fun things you could do with the trunk, and Zander.

I really enjoyed this a lot.

Stan Askew (Level 3)

Gramps gets his pre-teen video game-playing grandson to try out the magic trunk. Zander wanted to fly and to be a super hero since childhood so that's what the trunk serves up.

It was funny to see Zander surprised to see a Loch Ness monster in his city. When you are transported to the sky by a magic trunk, the surprise of the Loch Ness monster is sort of superfluous. Something about the Loch Ness monster is out of place in this short. It could be improved with a more appropriate task for Zander to take on, some score to settle or something. I'm sure you could set something up. Could be anything. . .anything but the Loch Ness monster (just kidding). His task was too general. He was just flying along and . . .there it was. . .the big lizard. A more personally meaningful task would improve this short greatly.

The wrting was generally good but there were way too many typos. Even in a feature screenplay, more than one or two typos make the impression the writer doesn't care enough to proofread carefully. Well, there were more than one or two typos in a 5-page short. What's that say to the reader?

This is not bad, shows promise, but leaves a lot of room for improvement.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Pretty imaginative this one, enjoyed it.

I think it could have done without the Loch Ness part. You've already got the whole part about flying, I think asking us to believe that he fights with Loch Ness is pushing it a little.

Writing/Formatting was pretty good.

Stina Carlstedt (Level 3)

Great! I loved the way you described the characters -- even in such a short format I got a strong sense of the both of them; my favorite bit is Zander pretending the game is out of batteries, it just spoke volumes. A nice take on the attic and the trunk; I liked how there was something good in it, there was nothing sinister about this story and it still held my interest and felt exciting. You've used the five pagees very well, nothing feels rushed or cramped or abbreviated, and you've managed to fit a lot in.

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

Not sure what I made of this one. Good writing; dialogue and action. My only criticism here is that I didn't get straight away that it was the kid who had jumped in the trunk.

Storywise, it was a good original idea. The fairy tale element shone through strong as a kind of kids movie. I just felt the whole fantasy sequence for what it was didn't really take us anywhere special with a cause or meaning. I would have liked more story in that sense.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This was really good. Very original and had good characters. I thought the two main character's dialogue got awfully cheesy and there was several typos.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I enjoyed this script. I like the dream aspect and the magical trunk. I think with a rewrite, this would be excellent. Some dialgoue needs to be a bit tighter and Zander needs to be convinced with better pace -- he goes from game to trunk. Gramps could prod a bit more, a bit more conflict in believing and disbelieving.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Some good dialogue, but nothing original or fresh. Make certain to proofread for grammar and punctuation.

Comments Made After the Contest