Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

This reads more like a stage play then a movie with all the entrances of the characters. So, unfortunately because there is no real action and a lot of dialogue the story just kinda falls flat.

I still think it has alot of potential though because the characters were interesting and with that good start there you may want to build more of the story.

The mystery of Atticus is nice with having so many wives including the remaining 'trophy wife' who truly seemed to miss the old man. I would flesh out Buddy though since in the end he is the one whom Atticus seemed felt he could leave his estate too.

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

That's the fastest anyone has ever made martinis! Give Buddy some more time, at least two pages. Two pages = two minutes. Or, just cut to when he's coming back...

I don't get it. Is he gay?

Too many characters for a 5 page script. I couldn't remember who was which.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Good build of relationships with all the wives, there was a nice flow and it was easy to read. I didn't quite realize they all married him for his money until it was said by one of the characters, if that was the intention they good work, otherwise try to place hints along the way. We only stay in the attic, maybe a look around a huge mansion that he died in or something. Nice work on the twist of the trunk in the attic too!

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

Writing is fine on a technical level.

Not much story here. A bunch of characters standing around talking. They're almost interesting, and with a little more work and they could be described as "colorful", but right now they're too close to cliche.

Find that unique angle to make me care about any of them and have some interest in who ends up getting the money, and then this might work for me.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was alright, but the punchline just didn't seal it like I was hoping it would have. Some of the dialogue seemed expository. Also, there were too many similar characters (all the women). There wasn't enough differentiating them from each other. The writing was fine, but the story didn't really do anything for me.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked the twist at the end, but apart from that, I didn't feel that very much happened in the course of the story. There was a lot of conversation, party chat, which didn't really bring the characters to life. I've read this three times and still find it hard to distinguish one from another.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This was fun, but not quite funny.

Got a bit confusing with all the ex's.

Clever ending, but not a whole lot of umph. Don't really know any of them so don't care much when all the money goes to the guy.

Writing is good, would like to see it with a better story.

Still, good job. Entertaining.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

It's a nice twist at the end, but before that this almost reads like a play. There is very little of the story being told visually - the most important element of any film.

The characters are distinct and the story is clear, but both elements feel a bit cliched as well.

If you were to rewrite this, I would suggest finding ways to tell the story through images and rely less on the dialogue.

Colin Garland (Level 2)

I thought the idea of a will in the trunk was interesting as well as the whole family waiting for it to be read, you just got a bit complicated with all of the characters and relationships, it was hard to keep track (on paper at least, maybe it wouldn't be on screen, I couldn't say). Anyway I also thought the ending was sort of a throwaway. Either way I thought it was mildly enjoyable

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Well, I was really kind of liking this one, an unexpected twist end for sure, but for some reason it didn't bowl me over.

I don't know, I think there were too many characters. The writing was fine, and the dialogue was good, funny. Nice character descriptions too (even if I thought there were too many players).

This felt like the end of a much much larger story. The writing style was good. My only thing is I couldn't really see the "cold greeting," (was it a passing nod, a slight hand gesture?)or the "others grudgingly agree," (could there have been murmurs of YEAH, SURE, WHATEVER?). But otherwise I thought this was - Good.

Erenik Beqiri (Level 3)

This was good overall, funny at some points. I think it could be better. I liked the meeting thing but didn't get my interest that much.

Overall good!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

This was a helluva lot of fun. My opinion of the script as a whole swung back and forth a couple times throughout:

LIKE IT: Nice dialogue. I really like your writing style.

NOT SURE: Characters just kept coming in and coming in and it was starting to feel pretty claustrophobic in that teeny tiny (five-page) attic. As a rule, the more characters, the less depth.

LIKE IT: The characters were pretty shallow, and it actually made things BETTER. Each was kind of a stereotype...which actually made the whole thing easier to digest. The thinner characters could all fit easily into the attic and not feel crowded.

NOT SURE: I enjoyed this script a lot, and I can suspend my disbelief as well as anybody, but this story didn't sprout from the opening paragraph. The story was forced into the environment of the opening paragraph, and it didn't really feel right there. A big time will reading in an attic with no lawyers? Just a touch of legalese might have helped here.

LIKED IT: That ending was SOLID. Handing the divorce lawyer card to the newly wealthy husband. Nice nice nice.

Great work as a whole. I give you high marks for your writing and storytelling...but it's still hard to ignore that the story is kind of a fish out of water in that attic.

Ian Dennis (Level 1)

Again, well written, but the story doesn't grab me.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Well, you have to like that ending. Took a while for me to catch on to what was happening. I liked the dynamics between the characters. Good job.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

It suffers from having too many people in such a short space of time. Perhaps it would be better if some of the ex-wives didn’t appear until the very end. Buddy and Dakota could then bitch about the absent wives behind their backs, thus allowing you to still use all the jokes about them.

Additionally, you’ve got two major characters whose name begins with the letter “D.” At a glance they appear the same.

It was a nice ending though, it made me smile.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

I found your story very compelling. I was curious as to who all these women were, and enjoyed finding out about Atticus's many wives, although it would have been fun if they all could have been there! I wasn't sure why you chose to have two not included in the group.
I was confused at the end by the reveal. Why would Atticus leave his money to his son-in-law and not his daughter??? She didn't marry him for his money, right? And why would Dakota give Buddy the business card of her divorce lawyer? Was she suggesting Buddy should divorce Dell and marry her, or was she suggesting that Buddy could do better than her daughter now that he was loaded? Either way, she's not a very nice mom, huh?
Thanks for creating such interesting characters.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

Good story. It had me in suspense the entire time, constantly keeping my attention and making me forget that I'm even reading a script. Good job.

Kirwin Sullivan (Level 2)

Great! Fantastic! Loved it. This script made my day. It is hilarious! You used every inch of that script to launch the final page. I was shaking with anticipation. Best script that I've read so far. Keep up the good work.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

I like the characters and the story flowed well. I had to read through a couple of times to get who was who before I followed the full story line. I could easily visualize each character from the dialog and descriptions (short and direct). A little anti-climatic with the envelope but loved the ending. It was an enjoyable read.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Nasty little family there. Too much time spent on identifying everyone, not enough on an actual story.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I have to admit I didn't see it coming that Buddy would inherit it all. Very nice twist which makes for good screenwriting. I think you did a good job of giving it of the wives a different personality. It seems a bit silly to have all of them come up to the attic to the trunk. Perhaps if you started with Dell and Buddy in the attic with Dell telling Buddy he has to move the trunk downstairs. Perhaps he complains about it and his father-in-law as well. Then when it is revealed that he inherited it all it would be even more surprising. But overall I think you did a really good job.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I'm still chuckling over this. I just don't know that I'd stage it in an attic. Well, maybe I would. It seems probable that Atticus would manipulate these people into a dusty attic. I like the name "Atticus," by the way. It fits for more than a few reasons.

Your characters and dialogue are strong. Your writing is neat and tidy... I did think that Dell and her mother had both been one of the wives (interesting...) until the wives in attendence were all listed. Nice work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This went over my head. I don't understand the ending. Why does Buddy say he was the only one who didn't marry him for his money? Isn't he married to Dell? I read it twice thinking that I must have missed something.

The writing was good but I think there were just too many characters thrust upon us in only 5 pages. Not only tooo many characters, but hard to keep up with their back stories.

Some of the dialog was funny. especially Dell's. But in the end I just didn't get it. I'm sorry.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

You have a great ear for dialogue. The petty squabblings of family is all too familiar to me, and I recognised every pang of jealousy in the ex-wives' words.

The only problem I had was keeping track of the characters, but that wouldn't translate if it was filmed. It was still very good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I was intrigued at the end, and really wanted to know what that letter said. You did a good job in creating mystery about its content.

My only complaint is that the pace was a bit slow. I think the cast was a bit too big for a five page short. Perhaps a little less small talk and less characters could help you make this one move faster.

Good job, though.

Michael Langley (Level 3)

Very well written. I loved the characters and wanted more than 5 pages. Thank you

Michael Leath (Level 3)

I liked this script. It flowed for me.

The characters had their own voices and the dialog was sharp and distinctive. They really popped off the page and were a hoot.

The set-up was great for the punchline at the end. I could feel the building toward something and the ending did not leave me feeling letdown.

So many scripts try to use decriptive paragraphs to drive the story. So many times they simply overkill. Plenty of white space in this script with choice dialog and action in between.

Very nicely done.

Michael Rome (Level 4)

Good description and dialogue. I liked the ending, but I'm wondering if more would have felt at risk if we knew how much the inheritence amounted to. Also, all these people gathering to read the last will and testament in a barren attic (with none of their attorneys)may have taken away from the realism.

There is a piece of dialogue that may have been a little 'on the nose' ,and perhaps, could have been picked up in the rest of the story through sub-text. This is the dialogue for consider cutting out:

DELL (CONT'D)
We've all been waiting years for the
old man to kick off.

Overall, good writing.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

It was good the way you released the tension of "what's in the trunk" and built a new tension around "what's in the envelope."

Plot: one flaw - Tiffany introduces herself, "I'm Atticus's wife." I found it unbelievable that those gathered didn't already know this fact. and, you should not announce a fact that everyone in the scene already knows. You built many expositions around this, so I hoped for an explanation of why none of them ever met. instead, I got exposition of which number wife each was.
Character: a few too many characters in a five-page short. You used up valuable pages telling us which number wife each was when I really needed to know why none of them ever met the current wife.
Setting: an attic. but, with a bunch of extravagant characters.
Point of view: no problems.
Style, tone, language: the language seemed appropriate for each character's type. the tone was right.
Imagery: after the characters were introduced, I couldn't keep a clear image of how each looked and talked.

You ended on a positive, humoroous note. and, added an unexpected twist. good job.

a few notes on formatting:
- check your margins. they look to be 1/2" on top.
- the title on the first page is not in the correct spot.
- dressing a character tells me nothing about that character.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Good way to introduce multiple characters. Returning to the mystery of the trunk every so often keeps up reader interest.

Description text can be tightened considerably. If it's not going to seen or heard on screen, leave it out. No likeable characters makes it hard to care much what happens to them. Characters are introduced well but sheer number makes it hard to keep track of them all. Dialogue feels a little stylized & unnatural. Overall seems kind of light on plot, even for a five-pager, almost an extended set-up for the punchline with the divorce attorney's card.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

This one was interesting and I really enjoyed it. There is a lot of dialogue and too few action lines but I think you made it work. Your short, concise character descriptions were excellent and gave me a good visual image of the character in my head. There seemed to be a lot of characters and a lot going on for 5 pages, then again this guy did have a lot of ex-wives. But it was very easy to follow your story, it had a nice flow. I liked the ending and thought it was amusing. Nice one.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Had a hard time keeping track of all the characters in this attic, five I think there were, and then Atticus and the first and third Mrs. Wainwright, who were not in the attic.

Properly formatted, no typos discovered, well written.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a nice idea and well written. For this contest it seems to be tenuous because there is no reason for this to have anything to do with a trunk in an attic and indeed it feels like it was not written that way. The ending was unsatisfying because it didn't seem to amount to much and I was left thinking "So?". I wanted something more shocking or surprising.

I know that there is a field of opinion here that says you should have interesting names but I think DELL WAINWRIGHT ALLBRIGHT is taking that a little far. It also has the problem that DEL would be widely known in Britain (because of a TV show) to be a derivative of Derek so it sounds to me like a man's name. Obviously this is an easily fixed minor point. Doubtless your Grandmother actually had this name so I've just called your Grandma a guy! Sorry!

Another minor point. They are in an Attic and yet it seems like they are in a living room downstairs from the way people come and go. (Does this mean I'm detecting a script written with an alternative setting and adjusted for this contest?)

"Dakota takes a turn around the trunk." -- The trunk rests in the corner so going around it seems a bit unlikely. Maybe that's not what you meant.

The early line about them all coming together for the first time seems out of line with the fact that one and three don't turn up.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

On page two, I was thrown of a bit by Buddy's quick return with the drinks for the two women when all they did was stare at the trunk.

I mean he has to go to the bar/kitchen from the attic, fix the drinks and return. Let him arrive later. Or better yet, have Laura appear as he is leaving and she asks for a drink too.

The punchline is fantastic. Though the number of characters on screen seems a bit too overwhelming, I think it'll work rather well on screen. Just have Buddy reappear with Tiffany, like I mention earlier.

One location makes for a fairly budgetable short but I want a bit more of a hint at Buddy being bi-sexual or Atticus' husband. His confession seems a bit too convenient and just placed there for the sake of plot.

Good use of the theme.

Keep writing.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

You've got a lot of characters in this short piece and that made it all a little confusing at first. Trying to keep track of them all was hard.

I thought the story was good, well written. Nothing really jumped out at me. But I think you took the assignment and created a nice story about a money grabbing family, waiting to open the trunk.

Nice twist at the end, leaving it to Bill.

Stan Askew (Level 3)

Very well written but no killer script. Man who was married five times leaves his money to one of the dudes who married one of his ex=wives because he's the only one who didn't marry him for his money. Excellent writing. Story not bad.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This seemed like a joke in script form.

It was pretty well written but the characters were quite stereotypical - I guess that's what you went for but it didn't help me care about them.

It doesn't strike me as very cinematic either, everyone just standing in an attic.

Stina Carlstedt (Level 3)

Nice twist at the ending. I'd have liked Buddy to be more downtrodden and abused by both Dell and Dakota to make it more of a triumphant end (as it is now I'm not sure if we know we're supposed to root for Buddy -- maybe that's a guy thing...)
The description of the wives was a bit stereotypical, let them be more than white-trash, executive, trophy-wife and I think it will add to the story. There was a lot of exposition that you maybe could have worked in through more normal dialogue -- we need to know he's been married lots of times and that these are his wives, the reactions between the women should be enough to tell us that. I also need an explanation why he cut his daughter out of the will, esp if she's estranged from her mother as it kind of bothered me.

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

This has a terrific first page. Great character intros and funny dialogue.

It was a good idea, sadly not enough time to explore within a five pager. To some extent I felt let down by the ending. I would have liked to have seen something more spectacular within the trunck as you built up the expectation quite well.

A good idea. Good dialogue and basic description.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I would have liked a bit more conflict here. The tension was not apparent, and I think it's due to having so many people having to introduce themselves. I would have liked something a bit more original as well -- the 'marry for the money' is an old tale and it needs a fresh take and I'm sure exactly what that could be.

Comments Made After the Contest