Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I'm not really a big fan of scripts that are 2 people talking in a room with no other real action to go with it.

I don't get the significance of the trunk because I was passing over alot of the dialogue to see what was happening. I would suggest bringing some visuals cues to this script to represent the things they are talking about because otherwise it moves real slow.

I couldnt understand the significance of the broken boards and nails either and didn't understand why they were a part of the story when in the end nothing came from them. I think if you were going for tension you needed to have something happen with the boards and the nails, because I was saying 'That's the end?' when it was finished.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Loved the twist at the end, surprising and sad. Ellie wasn't written on the page, but you managed to have her as a character there. The only thing I would recommend to improve on is until the ending, nothing much happens, they just talk about Ellie. So try to find a way to keep that interesting or do something else to keep the reader from tuning out. Otherwise, really liked this one!

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

You stumped me. I don't know what to say on this one. I was on a roll this morning, reviewed about 5 in a row, and had to take a break here.

You have 2 events foreshadowed, but neither happens. I wanted to see someone fall through the floor or get a nail in the head! Come on, give me what I was expecting all along! That's cheap, I feel ripped off.

Okay, okay, the ending you have is much sweeter and better for the characters. At least I didn't see it coming.

And good title (it's my daughter's name). When I saw it I was hoping I wasn't in for another elephant script.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well that one took a brokeback turn that I definately didn't see coming. The writing was nice, the dialogue was okay. Both could stand to be trimmed down a bit. The story itself, while taking an unexpected turn, didn't really do much for me. The climax, in this case, when we realize the guys were having an affair all along, really needs to be set up and executed perfectly for any story to work. In this script, it seemed like a big build up to a pretty funny joke that lasted a split second.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked this as a story - quite Brokeback Mountain - I like stories that aren't about young people.

But what I COULDN'T get was the point of the cracking floorboard and the nails in the beam. What WAS the purpose of this? To me it simply distracted from the story.

Why,why,why,why, WHY??!!

I couldn't understand, either, the bit about Ellie's underwear.

I still liked it though - a tender tale.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Quite interesting and well written. Love the devices you use to keep the suspense up - the cracking wood, threatening nails - very effective.
What I don't like is the fact that they go up to see the trunk, but never reaveal what is inside, and never open it. What is so heavy inside? needed to be padded?

So many unanswered questions about eahc of their relationships to Ellie, and other women. Having a difficult time comprehending it all (after 2 readings).

Think this would be very good with a little more work.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

The twist at the end is fascinating.

However, until that moment, the story was sort of slow going. In the end, it felt like a tremendous amount of misdirection and red herrings until the final twist?

I think maybe I missed something. What is in the trunk? What is the purpose of the nails?

Your craft is very good and I wish I understood the story a bit more.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This was an interesting story with a surprise ending, however, it was rather fustrating to read. I felt I was left hanging in the breeze by the end.

Albiet, the ending had a neat little twist to it that I didn't see coming, but I was confused with the constant reference to the buckled floor board. With your constant reference to this, I was sort of expecting something to happen, but instead nothing... I would be cautious in setting up somthing like this without paying it out later on in the script. You don't want to lead your audience down a path that you didn't intend.

Overall, I thought this was a good little story.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

The writing was great, maybe some puntuation problems.

Ok, now for the hard part. You write well, and you are creative, but all I got out of this was a long conversation to find out that the men were the ones cheating. Talking heads.

Elizabeth Hamlett (Level 2)

Your dialogue is great, very fuuny. The banter between Tim and George is great. Tim stealing Ellie's underwear and George thinking she was an "...exciting girl." because she wore none was very cute.

A couple of times I realized that I was holding my breath when one of them would come close to hitting their heads on a nail, nice intensity.

The twist at the end seemed a little off but nontheless, it was good a twist.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

That's a nice twist at the end there. Reminded me of DEATHTRAP with Christopher Reeve and Michael Caine. I think the problem is that you relied too much on the shock moment of them kissing. You mark time through the first four pages of the script to get to that point. I really liked the imagery of the cracking board and the near-misses with the nails, those images told me "these two are playing with fire and it's only a matter of time" and I liked it a lot. I liked it so much that when the "payoff" came, I was disappointed (not to mention a little confused about poor Ellie...she knew on their WEDDING DAY? Her self-image must have been awful. I want to give the poor thing a hug!). Your script is well written, nice dialogue, like I said: some great tension building visual images...but don't be satisfied with the "twist." Build a story up to that point that pulls us to the edge of our seat, then use the twist to knock us to the floor.

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

So what was in the trunk?

This was an interesting piece, in one way I really like the whole visual element with them flirting with disaster at every move, Maybe a bit predictable once you introduced the dangers but not in a bad way. But I am not sure it worked, i found that my focus was taken by the action and I was not paying enough attention to the dialogue so when I got to the end I was not really sure how we got there. Although that probably says more about the reader than it does about the writer! ;-)

I had to read it again and this time just read the dialogue. It was a sweet story with a nice enough ending, but I really think we needed to know what was in the box, what was it all about? In the end the near misses with the nails and floorboards just come across as a gimmick to hide what really was a weak story. Hope that is not too harsh? it was by no means not an enjoyable story, it was well written and did make me smile. A pretty good effort all in all but good have been better.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Well that was a bit of a queer sort of story. Very light and gay it was. It resonated with a subtle ring of authenticity in my mind. It seemed such a real and natural happening. Good work and with a good twisty crack too! You have nailed a lovely story in the attic.

Considering the difficulty the friends had in getting into the attic I found their exit somewhat facile.

I am however disappointed that the damn old trunk was never actually was opened, I was lusting vicariously to view Ellie’s authentic vintage unmentionables.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

I kept expecting something to happen with all the nails and loose floorboards, but I'm guessing that it is a representation of all the pitfalls that these two have avoided over the years. Certainly a surprise ending.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

A twist at the end of a short script is always fun. I didn't foresee that Tim and George were lovers, I thought it was delightful. However, I felt kind of cheated at the end. You set up a lot of interesting questions (i.e. what is in the trunk, why is the trunk so heavy, will the floor boards hold, will someone hit their head on a nail???). The problem was, none of these questions that you set up got paid off in the end. No one was punctured by a rusty nail, no great reveal of what was in the trunk (besides Ellie's underwear). I want to know more!!! And I feel like I missed something with the ending. They stepped off "the buckled board, and walk together towards the exit". I thought they climbed a latter into the attic... so what is this exit that they walked to???
Also, your script was weighed down with a lot of exposition. When I read a script, I am hoping to see it in my head. Because there was so much dialogue and not much action, I had a hard time staying visually connected to the story. Regardless, I thought the idea behind your story had a lot of merit.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

Good story. I didn't see that ending coming, but once I read over it again I picked up on your hints. Nice job!

Kirwin Sullivan (Level 2)

I liked the dialog. All the action about the floor boards and the nails seemed unnecessary. You could've filled that space with more good dialog. Nice twist at the end.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

What was the purpose of the trunk full of underwear? I got lost and couldn't find the story you were trying to create; I like the reminiscent dialog of Tim and George and the twist of, what I am guessing was a one night encounter? Not sure of that either. Story didn't flow fully and didn't seem to have a purpose, something to tell us, what were we suppose to feel or think? I was so busy trying to figure out the goal of the story that I didn't have time to feel anything for the characters. How can he be putting her underwear in the trunk when the trunk hadn't been open for over 50 years? Was something else supposed to be in the trunk? Not a bad story idea, but there was no direction, reason or conflict for us to care about.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Lots of pointless exposition, and an odd resolution. Points on for an end I didn't see coming.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

You do a good job in the descriptive. And the fact that we don't find out they are gay until just about the end, illustrates you are a good screenwriter. If you should decide to do a rewrite I would expand on the issue of them being gay and how they dealt with it over the last fifty years. I'm a bit disappointed in that you didn't show us what was in the trunk. Perhaps again if you do a rewrite you can reveal that.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I love this! What a twist! I honestly can't come up with a single improvement or criticism. I'm trying not to give one-liner reviews any more, but how many ways can I say "Very nice work!"

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Well there was a lot of build up here and a lot of dialog. We find out at the very end that George and Tim have been lovers. It took a long time to get there.

I'm not sure what to say about this one except I think there could have been more of a story. As it is now, two old guys go up to an attic, talk and then at the end, kiss.

And why go through all the detail about creaky boards and nails sticking out if that wasn't going to lead to anything? I kept waiting for the floor to give or one of the guys to get impaled by a nail. What was the purpose of that? Just not sure what that added to the story.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Your script was very moving. I couldn't think afterwards. The relationship between the two old men was strong in my minds as friends at the beginning, but even more so at the end.

A weaker writer would have cut to an unnecessary flashback, but it complimented your script perfectly to keep it played out subtle. It made the emotion more real and powerful when it was through their memories.

Your script was emotional without being sentimental. Excellent.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I liked the mystery you created around this trunk but I’d like to know more about it. What was in there?

Interesting twist at the end, these two guys being a couple; I wished it served some dramatic purpose. Right now it seems to be there for no apparent reason (plot wise).

Couldn’t quite get what was the main conflict within these guys’ chat. It’s cool to have twists (especially in such short shorts) but everything leading up to the twist should be equally interesting (that’s the bitch).

I’m guessing there might be some hidden symbolism in that floor cracking under the trunk’s weight. I didn’t get it, as usual (I suck at that), but plotwise it seems like a set-up without a payoff.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Ummm. Ok. This was pretty good. I sort of liked it, sort of didn't. I thought the story was pretty good - but on it's own. I found the nail and the crack stuff a bit distracting. I know you meant it to be and it worked only it made me disappointed with the read - like you put in all this extra unneccessary information. I don't even think you were going for a metaphor, you were actually trying to distract.

Also, your dialogue rang a bit untrue to me but I guess, considering the ending, it was alright.

Michael Langley (Level 3)

Interesting story and well written. I was waiting for something disasterous to happen with the loose boards and the nails. Not sure why those details are so specifically spelled out, although it does give a great impression of the state of the attic.

Michael Leath (Level 3)

Surprize endings are so tough to do. M. Night Shyamalan made one of the few films I have seen that I found intriguing, and had a surprize ending I did not see coming. Not that I see them all, but the story usually is using a device to make the ending fit, thus transparent. The usual deus ex machina where some external force that was not set-up fixes the plot at the end so the hero gets the girl. One of my biggest pet peeves with Agatha Christie.

In your case the hero gets the guy.

I think this had such potential. I admit I did not see the ending until it was right upon me. But the stage direction and events that surrounded this story were so confusing. Boards splitting from the weight. Nails in the overhead that were barely missed. These muddled the story and added nothing to where you were headed.

You had me at Hello, and let me off the hook by creating movement that did not enhance the story, was not subtext to underscore the feelings between the two men, or was supporting your storyline.

Make no mistake, I think this story is good. Better than good. I think your dialog is superior. But the surprize ending, which is such a fragile device and needs to have under pinnings strong enough to hold it together was undermined by your stage direction. I am focusing on a nail and a guy's head and a crack in the floor, which had nothing to do with two men who have had a lifetime together in secret, that wasn't really a secret to his wife.

It doesn't take much for a good story to fall apart with stage direction. I think if you really dug in your script would be much more interesting if you truly culled the extraneous and inserted subtext to preface the ending.

You can write. And you can write well. This missed the mark. But take heart. Babe Ruth struck out at times. Flippant to be sure, but in that comment lies a truth for all of us. Sometimes you miss the target. This script fell short by mere inches. But that is miles in story telling.

Michael Rome (Level 4)

I think there was a lot I didn't get in this story. Were the creaky loose boards and nails sticking out to create tension, or were they symbolic? Was there something in the trunk the reader was supposed to guess at besides the panties used for padding?

Hard to comment any further when I don't understand what is going on in the piece. It may just be me, but if not, you will know from others' comments.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

I had to read a long time to find out what was in the trunk. so, you kept me in suspense. that's good.

Plot: I really felt there would be a body in the trunk. you seemed to foreshadow Ellie as the body in the trunk. as I read, tension built into a whodunnit and why.
Character: each character had unique style and voice. so, that's good.
Setting: a trunk in an attic. but, you added buckled floor boards and rusty, sharp nails to increase the tension. that was very good.
Point of view: excellent job.
Style, tone, language: excellent style, tone, and language.
Imagery: I saw everything in my mind's eye while I was reading.

suspense and tension remained high throughout the piece. and, you ended with a twist. good job telling the story. but, who's in the trunk?

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Interesting story. Good use of the broken board and nails to keep the reader on tenterhooks, but they end up just being a distraction, misdirection - there's no actual payoff to them. Format and style are good. Characters are interesting and fairly well-drawn. Action text & dialogue are clear.

Needs an edit pass for minor punctuation & homonyms. I'm not sure the final twist is set up enough earlier in the screenplay, but it's a close call either way.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

An interesting story you put together here. I was a bit lost and had to do a re-read. I'm still not sure if I got the point of the story. Are they just old friends talking about the good old days? You mention the two nails above both George and Tim's heads on several occassions. Was the purpose to make the reader think they were going to get "nailed" in the head. It did have me thinking a bit, so I guess you were trying to keep the reader on his toes, which you accomplished. I'd look into your character descriptions, maybe give a little more description. I'd also beef up the action lines and cut back the dialogue quite a bit. There were a few grammatical errors that need to be addressed. I look forward to seeing a re-write in the future.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Original little story, great twist at the end. One of the few (and better) stories that takes place entirely in the attic, and the dialog still seemed natural, not over-expositional, good job!
Properly formatted, flows easy, didn't notice any typos. Well done.

Now that I've reviewed all this month's scripts, this definitely is in my top three to five. Sadly, we can't judge like that. I scored "Very Good" sparingly and only score "Excellent" for something that completely knocks me on the floor, which isn't that often.

Again, great job!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

The writing was fine, but I didn't think there was much going on in the story. Mostly just two old guys talking. I failed to understand the point of the nails and the cracked floor board too. When they kissed I assume they'd have a relationship all these years and then the trunk that I didn't really understand either. It was there, but it didn't seem to have much significance in the story. I feel like an idiot here. Like I missed the whole point of the story. I'm sorry.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

I like the descriptions of the buckling floor. Your dialog seemed realistic.

I had a problem with a few things. I never found out what was in the trunk. Ellies underwear was padding? I'm confused.

these guys are lovers? for all these years? I see an attempt at a twist that I didn't see coming, but it doesn't resolve anything. What did Ellie do? Why is she important? She was married to George. Why would Tim introduce his "boyfriend" to someone else?

I'm totally confused. Forgive me if it's just me.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

MMM never saw the ending coming. I'm not sure if I liked it. It seemed so romantic that George loved Ellie so much, and then we find out that he didn't really love her after all, he loved another man, and she knew it all along.

Why would he want to be introduced to other women if he was gay? That part didn't click for me.

It was a good twist though, and something that I didn't see coming. I did like the banter and the dialogue, it was witty and snappy and you got a real sense of the two men.

I gave it a good.

Shaheryar Ahmed (Level 3)

A nice story. Originalty is something that everyone would appreciate. So *clap*.

Visually there is a lot to see. Nice description of the environment and really nice sketching of the characters. They seemed very real. Conceptually it was a very simple story. A nice simple story. There was nothing exciting other than two naughty old men. Ha! I like that! lol!

Other than that nice tone you set there and a nice way you carried it. Slow and simple with effective dialogues.

Stan Askew (Level 3)

Two elderly men talk the whole time about a woman one of them was married to, and it turns out the two men have been lovers the whole time.

The tension created by the failing floorboards and nails in the beam never really payoff. They do add tension and I suppose their purpose is more symbolic than not. But the floorboards, nails, and particularly the contents of the chest are props used to created dramatic tension. . .but then turn out to remain unanswered questions. As for the symbolism, these guys have been playing dangerously for decades, close but never caught? Is that it?

The image of women's underwear acting as packaging material conjures up a pretty nice image. One of the nicest images in the contest. But the screen story as a whole feels a bit like an interrupted magic trick with the magician setting it up and then walking away without performing the magic.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was a strange tale. Not really very cinematic to be honest with you.

The main drama comes from the board that is going to crack -- I'm kind of guessing this is symbolic of the relationship between the two of them?

The dialogue started off well, with two very clear, different voices. The further the script went the differences started to fade and they became quite similar. I'd work on that in a rewrite.

I didn't really like this, simply because not a lot happened. It was very dialogue driven and I don't think the dialogue was good enough to keep your script exciting and interesting.

Stina Carlstedt (Level 3)

Good fakeout with the creaking boards and rusty nails ( a particular phobia of mine so you really put me through hell ), and the ending was quite unexpected. I think you might have benefited by a clearer distinction of who these guys are and shown their characters clearer. With the whiskey you have the start of it -- Tim likes Irish, George is stingy -- I'd elaborate more on that to get a sense of them. I was also a bit annoyed by some points: if they don't open the trunk, why did they go up in the first place (it seemed to take a lot out of them). And if Ellie knew all along, and George her husband already knows this, what change occurs in the course of the story?

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

I think its reasonably well written, but the story and its structure are not quite there yet.

We start off looking for the trunk with a feeling that it's important. So we want to know what's inside. You also give us a reasonably good build up on page one. But then there's alot of superflous dialogue that actually makes us feel the trunk is significant and unimportant.

The story doesn't really take us anywhere, except to reveal the characters a bit more.
So what we have is a reasonably well written scene, but its not going anywhere. I think this needs a hook to pull us in, and then more structure; as it stands it is a piece of dialogue between two characters in a larger work.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

The conversation between George and Tim did not feel organic or natural. It didn't flow as conversational, but a bit stiff.

The trunk -- I don't need to know what's inside of it, but you mention the bending boards and the nails often enough to think that they have relevance to the story, but I could not find it. Did I miss it?

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Never heard of a trunk having legs. I even looked at several websites about trunks and they are either smooth bottomed or have wheels - couldn't find one with legs. The dialogue was good at times, though there was too much chatter overall. I just didn't understand the purpose of the old lovers needing to be up there anyway and the story just didn't pay off in the end. Fix: "I’ll bet it was Ellie what made you go to that party?" (Awkward; punctuation). Change: "It’s right where I left it Tim" to "It’s right where I left it, Tim", "A hand George dear man? A hand?" to "A hand, George dear man? A hand?", "That old bugger Brian helped me" to "That old bugger, Brian helped me" and "As he goes under the nailed beam Tim lifts his head quickly, narrowly missing one of the nails" to "As he goes under the nailed beam, Tim lifts his head quickly, narrowly missing one of the nails."

Comments Made After the Contest

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2008 3:01 PM

Thanks for all your comments. With this I set out to be deliberately annoying so I’m happy that I succeeded! I was going for the reaction that is in the dialog - “You’re teasing me. I’m curious.”

It’s a character piece where nothing happens loaded with deliberate red herrings so I knew it would get some negative reaction. I like it and I think it would make a strong low budget movie.