Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Kassander (Level 2)

First off, a very good set-up for the story in terms of beginning middle and end. There's a possibility that if you wanted to, you can create a longer script out of this, perhaps a mystery or adventure of some sort. Character development was detailed enough to understand the story with room to add on. One suggestion, have the witness talking a little bit before he actually dies. This makes the investigator's reaction stronger.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

Something about this just doesn't work for me -- I think it's that you don't say what the hearings are about, or why killing Larry is going to make things any better. He references documents, and really, what are the chances that in a case like this, someone else wouldn't have copies of those? I did like the whole thing about Senator Adler and his wife.

Antonio Gangemi (Level 3)

I could see the film as I was reading it. Nicely done!

Bob McFarlane (Level 3)

Good twists. Lots going on for a five pager.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Hmm... Hard one for me to grade. I really really liked the idea & story you had going, but unless there was something I completely missed the last page or so seemed rather unneccesary.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Blimey! I had to check that this wasn't 10 pages long! I thought you packed so much in to it. I will read it again because I got a bit confused as to who was what, but great stuff.

I've read it twice more, after a couple of weeks, and am still confused as to who was playing for which side. I think bringing in Horrigan as yet another named character was just one too many for me! And who were the Adlers? Head spinning stuff.

A lot of time spent on the Melinda/Larry scene then leaving very little for the rest...perhaps that was it? Fast paced and enjoyable even if head-spinning!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Nicely written, however, Melinda's constant use of the word "I's" was a bit annoying. I've lived in the South all my life and the only time I've ever heard that used is by slave characters in old Hollywood movies.

Found only one typo: "She put it to her ear and waits."

The story moved nicely and I liked the sniper angle. I understand why the woman working for the President picks the assassin up wearing next to nothing, but I don't buy it (Because she's getting a shot at the "Beast from the East" - sounds like a security risk to me and a bit forced to go along with "Mouth from the South".

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I think this is a very interesting story, but I really wanted to care about the characters more and have someone to root for. You have a good story, great visuals, nice twists, but it didn't all come together for me in the end.

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Very well done. Tight, compelling, and cinematic throughout. Pacing is great. The dialogue could have been a bit tighter. Also suggest the use of CONTINUING or CONTINUES as a scene time refernece, when cutting back to a scene that's already been established, and the time flow is essentially unbroken. Makes the reading a bit smoother. But overall, this is a very fine script.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

“tailOr made suit” and no, I’m not a spelling freak, but Chris requires comment on this before I can read the next, and I have nothing to say, the script delivers as promised

Greg Jeffs (Level 1)

Some tense moments. Well done.

James Holiday (Level 2)

started great, very easy to visualize. once we got to the limo, it got a bit cheesy. the sex in the limo kept it from being near perfect.

Jeremy Goodlander (Level 3)

This was cool, like a mini spy thriller. The visuals are great, the characters are real. This could be the beginning of something even better.

Julie Stewart (Level 3)

I just loved this one - well paced, great dialogue and a humorist twist which was nicely set-up. My favourite so far.

Kevin M. Kraft (Level 2)

Interesting....some minor execution problems, but noting major.

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3)

Nice job! Nice writing (it's tailor though - not tailer), but made no difference to me really. Some writing is strong enough to allow the reader to skim right over any typos. I really think you did an excellent job.

Larry Basch (Level 3)

I can't quite decide if this was meant to be a parody or not. If it was, it's a very good one. If it wasn't, then it's still a good parody.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

Certainly a lot going on in a few short pages, but you managed it well - it never got too confusing even with so many characters. It didnt tread any real new ground, but I was alright with that - I enjoy me a good action/thriller!

Some condensing probably couldve been done - is it important to know that Melinda was trying to get Larry to talk and introduce the Horrigan character since theyre both forgotten only a moment later? Couldve used a little fleshing out with that but its already at 5 pages. Overall I liked it.

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

There's a lot going on in this script - a lot for five pages. The characters are a little too one-dimensional - they end up doing what you think they're going to do. I'd like to see a little depth, something underneath.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

This felt like something from a bigger piece of work. Very well written, I loved the dialogue in the first few pages. Personally, I think this'd work better if you shaved a page or so off it. The last couple of pages make it feel like there's a lot more to tell. I think you could have ended it with a satisfying conclusion on page three with the "weather report". As it is, the last two pages feel like they're setting something up but then leave you hanging.

Good stuff overall. I could see this as a scene from a feature length thriller.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

The writing here is excellent. This a thriller all the way. I'm surprised at the level of intensity in just five pages, very tough to do. I'm not sure how this could improve, the bottom line, it's pretty darn good.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was fun read. Suspenseful. The dialogue was a bit sappy but I kind of like that. Good work!

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Loved how the sniper filled the voyeur's point of view (i.e. motivated the act of watching the sex act) and how Melinda's motivation for being there wasn't revealed until after things went bad. Didn't think that the conversation between Horrigan and Melinda really revealed anything new, however. Might have been more interesting if Melinda's boss was Sandra instead. The conspiracy would have run deeper and it would have meant one less character to introduce to the plot. But, nevertheless, I still thought this was great!

Nick Sidorovich (Level 3)

Good description, well written, but not sure about the limo scene - kind of out of left field and not very believable that she would use the President's name. The Adler connection was a bit much - both husband and wife had sex with operatives? Too coincidental and contrived.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Great! Nice work on this one. I really liked how the first scene was setup and written. Incredibly visual and entertaining. The rest of the story did the same i just liked the first section the best.

I didn't care for the last line that muich, but it did make me smile for some reason dirty, dirty reason. :)

Good work.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Really like the title. A few typos and spelling errors to clean up if you decide to rewrite this. Some of the dialogue could be cut back but you did a good job describing the action and what we see happening. Really liked the double twist with Melinda and Sandra. I'm not quite sure why Jake is reluctant at the end if he's done this type of thing before. Good use of nudity in response to the challenge. Overall, a well done script. Minor stuff like typos and misspellings happen if you wrote it in a hurry to beat the deadline but you clearly know what you're doing.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The part before the assassination and the the sequence in the limo seem like two different stories.

The pacing is severely affected and that could be a reason.

The first half has great inter-cutting and has edge on the seat tension. Melinda asking those questions kinda gave away her identity and maybe she should have shown her true colors only after the assassination.

I was also not clear on why two separate assassins were sent to do the job?

Another impression that I get at the end is that Sandra will perhaps kill the sniper or get killed by him but that was due to the earlier set-up and this one seems to follow the same rinse and repeat cycle especially with the Senator Adler bit in the dialog.

There were some slight typos but no technical issues otherwise.

This could have been a winning script if one of those events is changed.

Nice job with the theme.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Solid writing. I enjoyed the story. My attention was there to the last word.

This is my only though for you. You use this word to describe how the sniper leaves the scene. QUICKLY. I think you could pick a better "show me" word. Like, RUN WALKS.

Great job.

Spencer

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

This moves. It stays true to its genre. The ending statement mirrors the statement on page 2. Would be a great scene from a full-length feature, and yet it seems to stand on its own as well. The former military turned hit-man and the corrupt politician doesn't offer anything original, but still a tight piece of work.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Another enjoyable read. Well written and thought out. A lot of great stuff in there for 5 pages, yet unraveled methodically and very smooth. Great pace and solid dialogue.

William Coleman (Level 5)

You accomplish a lot in five pages. The plot lines converge nicely at the end. The dialog is natural and unforced. I loved the laconic feel of it. This is business as usual to these people. No sentiment, and I like that.

The theme of nudity is used well and is necessary to the story line. Somehow with the Washington Madam and other stuff going on now this seems timely!

You need to proof better. There are three or four errors of spelling and one running-together of two words. However, that didn't affect my score.

Comments Made After the Contest

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2007 1:11 AM

Congrats, Pia. Great little story. As I said in my comments, I could see this as part of a feature.

Julie Stewart (Level 3) ~ 6/1/2007 5:43 AM

Congratulations - I expected this to be placed. Very well done.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2007 6:25 AM

I had a feeling this would be towards the top--Great job!

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2007 6:55 AM

Pia, Great job! Congrats!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/1/2007 9:13 AM

Way to go, Pia. This one was a lot of fun.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2007 9:17 AM

I am so happy for you. Congratulations on winning third place.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2007 9:38 AM

Great writing Pia, very intense. Congratulations.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2007 9:44 AM

Congrats, Pia!

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2007 10:56 AM

Good job Pia, I think pulling off a thriller in 5 pages is only credit to your writing.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/1/2007 11:32 AM

Absolutely! Well done Pia.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2007 1:13 PM

Thanks guys!

I was surprised by this. I didn't feel this was a very strong story myself. Just me having a little fun.

I will rewrite this one and I will take all the comments into consideration when I do.

Charlie, Melinda's not supposed to be a real southerner. She's supposed to be pouring it on thick. I recently read Black Snake Moan, it was a GREAT script and I's was used a lot in that one. I live in the south too and I hear people talking like that a lot. The worst is my hairdresser. She seems to get worse and worse every year. :-)

Pia

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/1/2007 8:33 PM

Dang, girl, where you live at?

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/2/2007 7:05 AM

Congratulations, Pia. This one was a top 3 for me. I really enjoyed this script.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 6/2/2007 11:11 AM

Thank you William! I still have visions of a dildo rolling about on the restroom floor trying to reach his switch!

Charlie (my son's name btw) I'm livin where The Swamp is worshipped and the Gators are King.

That would be Gainesville FL. My husband would argue though and tell you "this ain't the South no more". :-)

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/4/2007 11:11 AM

I's would have to agree...

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 12/3/2007 11:31 PM

I really had to have a look at this one, since it was quite a success; too bad I wasn’t around here to vote and comment yet. But better late than never.

Just wanted to let you know I liked it. You packed quite a lot into few pages, and you even managed to fit some interesting twists along the way.

I think this would read better if you chose a more defined protagonist and didn’t shift the POV so much, but still, it was very good.

Definitely a fun read. It doesn’t surprise me that this one placed :-)

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 1/11/2009 12:11 PM

This is great! I agree with Matias on all but one comment - I think the changing POV is appropriate in this story. It goes along with the title and theme. These people are jockeying for position in the fast moving, ever changing arena of politics and power. I love it! And I love that each of them has a different weapon of choice - from sex and guns to people and position of authority.

Excellent work.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 1/11/2009 2:02 PM

Sorry about the year long overdo reply! Somehow I missed it and as you can tell, I don't check on my scripts very often. :D

The frequent POV changes is actually what some filmmakers have told the liked about this... Weird.

Margaret, thanks for reading and commenting. I rewrote this one, but never uploaded a new version here. I did have an iScript made out of it too, because I like those and they are the most downloaded files on my website. Strange.

Anyway, I appreciate you reading and I'm happy you enjoyed it. If I find the website where the film is I'll let you know. :-)