Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

Was this suppose to be a comedy or something where the dad ends up being a pedophiliac? I don't see any humor in this. But I just didn't get any real vibe for it being some sort of drama either.

While the format is fine, unfortunately, this story just falls flat for me. The characters are uninspired and boring with dialogue that doesnt have any nuance in it.

I am interested in seeing more about this Candyland but nothing involving grown men wanting sex with 14 year old girls. This one just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Sorry, that is a personal preference.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

The big question of the story was easily revealed. Also, you leveled up the sex issue in this story more than you should.

Ben Slotover (Level 1)

Very original! I have to say I had no idea where it was going or what was going to happen next, but you took it into a very depraved place. Can't see any studio greenlighting it, though! I don't know the board game "candyland" so maybe I missed out on some of the irony. I was slightly confused with the multiple flashbacks but it was a nice last line.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Try avoiding using BOY and FRIEND, if the story is about them give them names.
"When you’re older, you’ll know how much of a treasure it is." - that is a great line, I thought the story was heading for something special, but the overall impression I got where it went after wasn't that good. Are you promoting pedophiles? If the dad got in big trouble at the end everything would have seemed a little "nicer". But this story just really didn't do it for me.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well, this was a weird story. So Dad is a fantasy world pedophile who is essentially preaching fantasy world pedophilia to his kin. Strange story. Written and formatted well but I guess I just don't get it. Was this supposed to be a comedy? What was the point of this script (or the meaning of it)?

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Interesting, very interesting and creative. Surprising too. It's always, nearly always, good to be surprised.

As it got towards the end I felt it weakened a lot after a good set-up.

The trunk is our way of avoiding that undercover camera show, "Catching the Sexual
Predator."

UH? That's very clunky.

Then the last line - "Dad, I can honestly say I’ll never lift the lid of your trunk again" - I found to be unconvincing.

Finally, I found it quite disturbing that the idea of underage sex (an adult and a child) was treated in such a light-hearted way.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Dude, this was great, well written, exciting, creative...
Then I turned page 3 and it turned into some kind of sick daddy on sixteen year old sex store thing that was really strange and seemed quite demented.
I mean, why go there? Why do the hard core when before you could leave it up to everyone's imagination? Why make me feel like I need to go take a shower after reading your screenplay? I'm thinking like is this your fantasy? Are you a dirty old man who wants to do my 16 year old daughter?

How are you planning to film "dad" on a 16 year old and who's going to pay to see it other than a bunch of pedophiles? End it at page 3 and you're golden, after that you quickly turn to crappy brown.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft is fine. The story is clear and easy to follow.

However, the subject matter is very disturbing and I wish it were treated with a little more seriousness. It all feels a bit too flippant. I would suggest losing the scenes with the friend and concentrating on the relationship between the father and the son and the son's discovery of his father's sin. The tone should be much darker throughout.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

New spin on boy finds dad's porno collection eh? Except a person with pornographic material depicting underage minors, well, society has problems with that. Not to mention the collector himself.

I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve with this, (it will be interesting to see the other reviews) but it looks this story gives the thumbs up to infidelity with an underage minor. The joke ending didn't really convey a distaste for the practice.

I don't mind at all stories that, push the envelope. But without any real, or discernible "moral to the story," or true thought provocation, this is just a gratuitous display.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Who doesn't LOVE a good pedophelia script!?!!

Here's my only advice to you just in case you're ever tempted again to write a script that treats pedophelia as a punchline gimmick: Repeat this over and over to yourself: Never ever never never never ever ever never ever never never ever ever ever never ever NEVER ever ever.

Seriously, keep repeating it until you come to your senses. Good luck to you.

Jason Daniels (Level 2)

I like the premise, but it was a bit odd. I am going to go on the assumption that this is dark humor, but I am not clear on why, if the dad could have anyone of his choosing, he chose a 14 year old. I see where the idea is going and I was drawn along with the story, and found the reference to "Catch a Predator" amusing, but was a bit uncomfortable with the son witnessing his dad committing statutory rape.

Overall, well written and though I am not a prude, a little down the path for me. Thanks for the read.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

This certainly delves into the deep extremes of sexual psyche, doesn't it? The characters act a little contrary to expectations--I would think that the father would be more upset with his son. And perhaps the son would be a little damaged by his experience.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

It’s a bit dark and disturbing!

Two of the key points you reveal at the end are 1) Daddy is unhappily married 2) Daddy is a paedophile. I think it would have been better from a story point of view if you removed he paedophilia angle. So what you could do is:
1) Have a scene early on that hints at Daddy and Mummy not getting on (e.g. the Kid overhears his parents fighting again and needs an escape from it all, hence his keenness to open the trunk)
2) The Kid finds his Daddy getting ‘intimate’ with an adult Woman. He needs love but Mummy can’t provide it.

I can appreciate dark fairy tales but the paedophilia angle seems out of place. I just don’t think the story gains anything from revealing the Dad to be depraved unless you build him up as a saint in the eyes of his son.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Hmm... I found this very disturbing. I am wondering if this is the effect you are intending the reader to have. This seems like a morality tale, listen to your parents or you might find out they are perverts. I am wondering how the boy feels about discovering his father is a child molester, and also if he could turn back time if he would chose to open the trunk again? I thought the idea of "candy land" a seemingly innocent place, which turns out to be not so innocent, was an interesting concept.
The flow of your dialogue was a little choppy for me. Also, I thought your scene choices were a little weak. For instance, could the boy and his friend be doing something more visually stimulating/active other than hanging out in a city park? Also, it would be interesting to know what kind of relationship the boy had with his father before discovering his father's secret. Is his father thought of as an honorable guy or is his trunk behavior no big surprise?

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

The story is original, but I felt that it could have been executed better. The flashbacks at the beginning had me confused. They seemed too quick. I'm not sure how the audience would interpret that the first scene is in the present and the next scene is a flashback that takes place at the same location. It might work better to start with the Boy looking at the trunk and just continue with the scene with the Dad telling him not to open the trunk. Also, the way the rest of the script lays out, you completely ignore the notion of using flashbacks after the top of page 2. From then on, the story is told in a linear fashion.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

I saw no purpose in this story line. It did not take us to a learned lesson or a mind altering situation or even just dumb laughs. Dialog was not strong, characters had no depth. It merely played on a reaction mode, no compelling story, no concerning dialog, minimal conflict.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Certainly a different use for the trunk than I've read so far. Eeeeew.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I think you would have been better off giving the boy and his friend each a name. Naming the characters BOY and FRIEND makes it too mechanical. Giving them names I think would make for a better connection with the audience. And I think you should have made him a year or two older. That would have made it seem more realistic that he would be into girls. I think it was good that he asked about his mother. But I didn't get the sense that his father really answered the question. We still don't know how his mother feels or even if she knows what is going on.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I don't like this at all. The dialogue is stilted. The characters are undeveloped. Not one of them has an individual voice. It reads like a teenage sex joke. There's no point to this that I can see, other than - what? Titilation? Missed the mark. The shock factor? You have to do a lot better than this to shock most of the civilized world today.

Rodriguez, Tarantino and others use sex and blood and violence and all manner of elements to shake their audiences...but they always have a compelling story as the basis of their work. You have no story here.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Well, that wasn't the ending I expected. I was interested till the Dad showed up with a teen girl. You lost me there.

I'm no prude but that's pretty disgusting not to mention...illegal. So the son's response to just look the other way just doesn't fit. Just an all around bad vibe. I like to read disturbing stories...I don't mind feeling ill-at-ease...but for some reason I felt this crossed the line into inappropriate.

So you spent 4 pages creating an entertaining story just to have it crash and burn at the end. Maybe if you change the age of the female the Dad was with to a legal age it would have a different impact.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I liked the concept.

I must admit that when I read “Field of Candy” I instantly though, “Shit, not another family movie” so I was pleasantly surprised by the turn that the story took.

You really hooked me but I was a bit disappointed by the resolution. I was expecting to see what was the price this boy would pay for his trips into pussyland, the story did set-up a clear “beware of what you wish for” scenario (because of Dad’s warnings).

But then you shift from the boy/lust angle to the dad/phedopile angle which, IMHO, wasn’t as interesting as the kind of resolution that this story was promising.

I wasn’t bothered by the image of a grown up engaging a 14 year old (although I’d bet you’ll get some heat for this) but I didn’t find it interesting either.

Once the trunk is open, I’d leave dad out of the picture and try to focus more on the boy.

The concept is strong, though. And fresh. Giving it a good.

Michael Langley (Level 3)

Well written and very imaginative. Nice twist making it a "sex" candyland.

Michael Leath (Level 3)

Script started well enough. I thought this would be a children's story. The writing was clear and concise.

The ending didn't live up to the middle of this script. What I have found on this site is some scripts start strong and the ending is the weakest part. You script started as a children's story. The middle it picked up steam and had me hooked.

The ending is where this story became weak. Both in the concept, a portal so dad can be a pedaphile, and the delivery. The entire story seemed summed up in one line by dad. So I can avoid the reality show Dad does Tots.

There are scripts in this month's contest that have the twist at the end that are clever. This script has the same. But its strength withers because of the delivery.

Michael Rome (Level 4)

There is a core of an interesting premise here; a son trying to break the pattern of what may be a generational sickness of pedophilia. (The trunk has been passed down from father to son through the ages?) The potential of an intriguing theme gets lost in the implausible fantasy aspects of the story, and the abruptness of the ending.

If rewritten, it would be much more compelling to have the boy struggle more with his inherited proclivity towards pedophilia, so there is more of a sense of conflict and struggle, ending in a more credible transformation at the climax and resolution.

Perhaps the ‘Candy Land’ theme could still be used, but in a more realistic way as a game the father plays with underage girls. Maybe the son finds evidence of this in the trunk.

I would truly like to see a rewrite of this. Please let me know if you do one.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Format and style are good.

Story is bizarre and rather creepy.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

I really didn't know what to make of this. I'll admit, the ending was rather bizarre and I definitely did not see it coming. I guess I'll start from the opening. I kinda liked your characters, Dad, Boy , Friend & Girl. Very simplistic but adequate. I'd go a little more into detail when describing though, ages, appearance, etc. I'd also keep the flashback scenes to a minimum, especially with a five page script. You used a couple and stacked them back-to-back which was confusing for me. I had to read it several times to realize where I was in the story. Also, I'd work on the action lines a bit. For example, "The aggression of a MAN'S passion fills the air" can be eliminated. I can't really see his agression in the air. Your next dialogue line tells me what's happening. I'd work on your grammar too. You definitely have something original here, a bit twisted, but with some work it could be an intriguing story.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I guess you were going for the shock value here, the juxtaposition of an innocent, "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" inspired parallel-universe set to the CandyLand board-game of our childhoods...where teenage girls are raped by older men.

Why not give the characters proper names? The elimination of proper names and the writing style made some of the action very stiff, similar to "See Dick Run."

"Boy leans in to Kiss girl. Girl prepares to receive."

The outside-world reference of the ratings-monster, "To Catch a Predator," didn't seem to fit into this fantasy world.

The flashbacks should be formatted a little differently, setting up a new Scene Heading for when we start the flashback and one for when we return to the present.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I thought this was really good until the last page or so. As a comment on sexual enlightenment it was working really well and was already pretty edgy. Introducing a desire to voyeur someone who is obviously going to be your Dad, and then getting all pedophile and having the spurious explanation of where the trunk comes from was a disappointing ending for me.

I'd suggest having him sneak up to the attic. Seeing his Dad leave the trunk but not close it properly. Then he could climb into the aftermath of his Dad's fantasy and be disturbed by the obviously sophisticated sexual theme (say something SM in liquorice land where people are left bruised, bleeding, tied up). I could see that shocking a young teenager away from sex for perhaps a week!

The Boy and Friend in this need names. As it stands my mental image is of wild "Boy" growing up in the wilderness like Tarzan. Obviously that's all wrong, but to be civilized a person needs a name.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

I would prefer to have the boy and friend have a name. It would help me to form a picture of them.

Try to be specific when describing an emotion-Example: "boy shows his excitement about the find" ....How? What does he do? Does he fidget? Dialog can show the excitement, or action.

The Ending: I really liked that the dad was in Candy Land. If he's molesting kids, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't let his kid have such easy access.

The dialog could be better at the end also. The dad's explanation was too casual.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

I cannot say I cared much for this one. While not quite worthy of a poor score, I am not sure this is filmable, and even if it were, I am not sure I would like the finished product.

This is a little too mature to be the light-hearted romp it wants to be, the punchline is a little too predictable, and the message that this is just a normal part of getting older would only sit well with a very limited audience.

At the risk of being too discouraging, I am not sure this idea can be salvaged with a rewrite. It is just a little too off the beaten path. There is a place for "off the beaten path", sure, but sometimes it is a very isolated place that few people care to visit.

Put this one in the drawer (or the trunk) with a sigh and move on to your next script.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Okay then! Where was I? Oh right!

Watching too much of dateline are we?

There were numerous scenarios that you could have gone with and this is an interesting choice. Southpark did something similar with Kenny getting high on Cat pee and fantasizing about boobies and sex. Then we find that a few dads had the same addiction.

The last page needs to be expanded or reworked as the resolution isn't that satisfying. Boy just mentions that he's learnt his lesson, but I'm not convinced. To me, he's learning how to be a sexual predator at a very early age.

The set-up with an adolescent's interest in girls was quite well but the dad angle was creepy and could have been creepier yet. But you chose a middle ground and that leaves me feeling a range of emotions from being creeped out, to laughing out loud to just plain indifference.

If you want to go the comedy route, perhaps Candy girl has a mom that dad's fooling around with. Or Candy girl has no sex organs and is like a doll underneath her dress.

Imaginative script? Sure.

Resolution of plot? Umm... maybe.

Expand this.

Keep writing.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

You definitely have an imagination. I'm curious as to if the writer is male or female. I'm guessing male.

My comments.

I thought it was a fun story until the kid saw the dad was having sex with the fourteen year old. Is there a reason she needs to be fourteen? I mean, that just turned me off the story. Why not a buxom blonde adult woman? I'd definitely rethink that part of the story. It just took a downward spiral, once I read that.

Samantha Crawford (Level 2)

seriously twisted. there were some points where more description was needed such as when you say the boy shows his excitement. You should explain how he shows his excitement. Screenplays are all about the visuals and people show excitement in many different ways.

Shaheryar Ahmed (Level 3)

Nice for boys. Nice and vivid imagination. You know what? Creativity tells about the artist. This script told me something about you... in a funny way. (JK)!

Visually I could see the Candyland. The toffees, the sticks and the girls. Conceptually it was allright. It did grip me and had a good suspense as in what is in the trunk. The suspense opened at the right time. Nice storytelling.

Stan Askew (Level 3)

Unnecessary flashbacks. Could have kept it going linearly with perhaps flashback info delivered only in O.C. dialogue going on over the scenes. The story is pretty lean. You could add a lot more "meat" to it, excuse the pun, by getting rid of those flashbacks and adding more layers to the story. For instance, you could add a more interesting backstory to the trunk, other than the less than satisfying one you now have, i.e., every adult store has them. You could give the father more dimensions too. Or whatever you want. Yeah, getting rid of the flashbacks would free up some space.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I had a real problem with this. Just it felt kinda 'wrong' to me. Your writing is fine but the dialogue was pretty poor, it read very much on the nose. It just kinda gave the impression you weren't taking this seriously and given the subject matter - I had a problem with it.

I don't really know what you were trying to say with this.

Stina Carlstedt (Level 3)

Wow, totally unique, and a bit of a shocker to read directly on the heels of Gramp's Magic Travelling Trunk, but hey, it kept me intrigued... I think you could havve faked us out a bit by making the boy's first visit to Candy Land less overtly sexual, more of a technicolor, Wizard of Oz type of existence but keep the "Anyone I want" line. Also the end is a bit wordy, and I don't think you need the line about every sex shop having them to make it work.
I don't know if it affects your script, but I was also wondering about your choice not to give the boy and the father names? It seems you were distancing yourself from the characters.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Yuck, bonus points for weirdness, this was sick sick sick and I mean that in a good way. It could have been improved if the emphasis were on the father/son relationship - like instead of boy talking to his friend about the trunk, dad is actually sharing his secret vice like a father would take a son to a whorehouse or strip club as a rite of passage. I liked it, so well and truly warped.

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

The format whilst easy to follow had too much going on. Cutting back and forth several times in such a short space of time is slightly jarring and does on this occassion take you part way out from the story.

On page two, you have the boy speaking, then use BACK TO SCENE. Whilst I understand this, as the two boys talking are already in the scene, there's no need to use this direction.

I think also, with what the boys find in the trubk, there would naturally be more amazement, shock, etc. It's kind of flat when the boy first goes to candy land: reaction wise. As we're been taken into a kind of fantasy land, I think the boys reaction needs to be much bigger.

Dialogue is ok, but there's alot of repeating of dialogue that is simply re-stating the action we've just seen. So this could certainly be trimmed.

Story wise, it's a difficult subject. Difficult I think to tackle in a short script because the ending kind of leaves you baffled. It's disturbing in that sense, which in fairness is probably what you hoped to achieve. It's certainly original, but I'm not so sure it has bought across any point you were seeking to make. A bold choice of subject matter.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

The dialogue at the beginning felt unnatural and a bit forced. There didn't seem to be a natural rhythm and pace with the quick flashbacks.

The father telling the boy to not look in the truck, especially with what's inside is like inviting him to open the trunk.

What's inside the trunk is a bit disturbing. Why wouldn't the father protect this trunk? The script was shocking, and not something I'd like to see. Frankly, it turned me off.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Great writing and most of the dialogue was solid, but the ending was just, forgive me, abysmal. You can buy the trunk at any sex shop? I expected a heck of a lot more from the pace and intelligence of the story. Come up with a solid ending and this should prove awesome.

Comments Made After the Contest