Comments Made During the Contest

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

This is an interesting premise. The dialogue seems rather awkward, almost like everybody speaks English as a second language. Reading the dialogue out loud really helps with this -- if your tongue trips over it, chances are the reader will trip over it, too.

I like the reveal of the pink suit a lot, and also the end with Jenny and Travis taking off their clothes. This could be really poignant with a polish.

Antonio Gangemi (Level 3)

I liked the story, Travis felt real to me. I would give the dialogue of the other characters another go-round to make them un-Travis-like.

Bob McFarlane (Level 3)

Interesting idea. I got a little confused though. Jenny seemed to know what was going on in parts of the script but didn't in others. Was Travis nude at his graduation or was he wearing a cap and gown? I felt like some of the dialog could have been cut.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well written. Certainly creative.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was an interesting idea, and well-written, well-formatted.

I found it confused me though. I loved it up to the point where all the guests were naked. I thought it was a great story with Travis imagining the audience naked and them becoming so, but then when the guests WERE naked and it turned out his family were naturists, then the beginning lost impact and I couldn't understand why it was there. Why would he imagine that to help him relax when speech-making if he lived like that anyway?

That made the second half - great idea to have a naturist funeral - so much less powerful - and the ending, which could have been so poignant.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Really fun premise with lots of potential.

I'm gonna have to read this one again, got a little confused. I think if I had known he grew up in a nudist colony earlier on it would have been much clearer.

Re-read it and, yes, it made a lot more sense the second time around. I like the idea of what a speaker at a nudist colony imagines the people as, could have maybe made a bit more of this.

Parts of the dialogue seemed a bit stiff and formal and clunky, for example: "Remember I only came because you forced me to and because I did not wish to upset you in your condition." and had some typos: "I am afraid I am to be blamed for these unfortunate turn of events." And on page 3 you refer to Jenny as "Jane".

Why would Jenny say she should have gone alone to HIS father's funeral?

I like the ending and the character arc for Travis and think this has a lot of potential, could be really funny, but the dialogue needs to be tightened.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love the idea of a non-nudist raised by nudists and embarrassed by his past. However, this was a very confusing read. I was never quite sure if people were really naked or if he was imaginging it. I had to read it a few times to get it all clear in my head.

Dino Barlaam (Level 3)

Nice twist in the middle on the "are they or are they not really nude" on pg. 2.

there were a few very minor formatting errors, but nothing that was distracting.

no need for so many exclamation points; once in a while is fine, but the actors would put the emphasis where needed.

I think a bit more into who these characters are would've been helpful to the script, maybe just a tiny brief scene with the father & son...

in the end I thought maybe it would've been good too if you saw the son & his wife smiling down at the casket, naked...just a suggestion.

overall very very well written, I can see this as a short to be filmed one day...it seems very possible.

natural dialogue, mostly, too.

well done!

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Neat script, but a very difficult read. The scene and action description feels awkward, unclear. I had to keep re-reading scenes to be sure I understood what was going on. But a very clever and unusual story.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

Mrs. Leary tells Travis, a person reared by nudists, to imagine everybody naked and he won’t be nervous about his graduation speech. Delightful irony, except we don’t know his history at the time of that flashback. Re First Flashback: Don’t let Travis use time in idly imagining people naked who aren’t, use it to establish the conflict that led to the moment when Travis takes off his clothes. But shtick is soooo good; Mrs. Leary must tell Travis to imagine everybody naked—after his embarrassing nudist history is established with the audience.

James Holiday (Level 2)

mightve needed a closer read, but frankly I didn't get it. travis' early reaction to the guests was priceless though.

Jeremy Goodlander (Level 3)

The title is clever but the story is hard to follow and the dialogue seems forced. The characters are well...characters. You have a very good idea here but the dialogue just doesnt flow, I think you had too many scenes, too much going on, just rework the scenes a little and this will be much better.

Julie Stewart (Level 3)

A good premise for this topic - a naturist's funeral - but I'm afraid that I found the flashbacks confusing. They were in the right places and, after 3 readings, I could see what you were trying to achieve - the decriptions could be more informative.

It isn't necessary to try to keep back the information that it is a naturist's funeral with naked naturist guests because the point of the story is that the dead man wanted, for is own ironic reasons, to be the only clothed person at his own funeral. That is the great plot point of this story - and the attempt to keep the whole naturist theme a secret detracts from this poignant last wish of the dead man.

Who is Jane, I couldn't find her elsewhere in the script, but she popos up to inspect the lawyer on page 4.

I do really like this and it would be great to se a re-drafted, tight version.

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3)

Very good. Very original. I liked it a lot. Really nice job.

Larry Basch (Level 3)

I tried real hard. I read it three times (even though a film audience only gets a single chance), but I still can't understand the story. It doesn't help that characters float in and out and change names inexplicibly.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

This script just hugely confused me. Theres a story there, but its convoluted, overly complex and very confusing. The dialogue is quite unnatural (too formal in areas - maybe use few more contractions).

The overall story just didnt make much sense to me. Jenny supposedly doesnt know about Travis' life, yet she knows about his dads request. She says she shouldve come alone to his fathers funeral, which didnt make any sense to me. Why is she so close to his family? We know that she made him come, but why? Whats her attachment, especially if she doesnt know about his life/past?

I had to go back many times to figure out who was who, what characters thought/knew what and what was going on. Overall I think the complexity was unnecessary. What if you just stick to his dads last request and ditch the whole commune/brainwashed etc. part? I dont think youd lose any of the meat of the story.

If you leave it in this format, though, I would definitely rewrite the high school graduation part - you show a clothed Travis, and then after the advice he 'realized' everyone was naked, including myself - made me think that everyone was really clothed and he was just seeing them naked in his head (a funny concept, but a different story). And that mightve been what you were going for, but I dont think tis necessary - just another level of confusion. I also wouldn't include 'you guessed it...' in your action.

Sorry if it seems like Im pointing a lot out, I just had a very hard time following it. Maybe Im alone and you can disregard all of this, but hopefully itll help.

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

This gets the award for using the given subject to its max! This was a lot of fun and had a nice little story with a gentle arc. It's a little bit confusing when Travis sees his whole graduation naked because that must have been in his imagination, but it becomes clearer later on.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

I enjoyed this more the second time through. I really struggled to make sense of it the first time. It's a bit confusing at times with all the jumping back and forth but the ending worked well. I especially like the line:

Maybe he realized this was the only
way you would ever show up among
the people who you grew up with.

Overall, pretty good but the time jumps were jarring.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

This is a great idea, very original. To me the dialog feels a bit chunky. I noticed that you always use proper grammer for dialog "You have , It is" and so on. While some people do talk like that , most don't. I'm not saying that the way the dialog is written is right or wrong, I'm just saying it feels awkward to me. Also, there is one spot where Jane is mentioned. I think you may have meant to put Jenny in that spot. Like I said, the idea is great and original, the dialog just doesn't read very smooth.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Got a couple of chuckles but I found the whole nudist funeral thing a bit unbelievable.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I didn't feel that there was a strong hook at the start of this this story. I do, however, like the way the nude-clothed duality (?) has been inverted--i.e. that the clothed people are the ones who are made to feel self-conscious. It did also have a touching ending, in that his father DID make an effort to be a caring father (even if he did embarass his son at his graduation) and change in Travis was evident in the end.

Nick Sidorovich (Level 3)

Strange flight of fancy. A bit hard to follow at times with the back and forth in time. Dialogue sometimes felt forced and expository. Interesting concept nonetheless.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Nice little tale of things being the opposite of what we'd expect.

I rather enjoyed this and it was funny and a little sickish too, especially about Travis mother. Poor Travis.

I'm not sure what else to say. It was written well and the story was nice.

Good job!

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Interesting concept. Original idea.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

This one had me confused. The opening scene with the body on a gurney really seemed to focus on unimportant things. Why is there a body outside the service entrance? Why are the characters outside the service entrance? I got on track briefly with the speech flashback but I was thrown off track again by Mr. Mortimer. Why was he to be blamed for the unfortunate turn of events? Was it the death or the naked people? I think the dialogue wasn't very helpful to keep the focus. Well represented nudity in response to the challenge though. I think you could change the opening scene to the lobby doors just outside a funeral parlor and not lose anything. It would take away the confusion initially as to why they are there with a dead body.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

I had a hard time following this story. I think the flashbacks did me in.

And confusion rests in my mind. Was this guy the funeral director, preacher, or... what was he. You never told us. We only got the impression that he was there to conquere something.

Spencer

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Funny at times. A poignant message included. A few sentences could be polished up with contractions and the name "Jane" appears mistakenly. Unique story.

William Coleman (Level 5)

Nice reversal based upon an old public speaking adage. Clear, brisk writing style with natural dialog. Somehow it doesn't grab me as much as I'd like. I can't define how, but I suspect this was "written" and did not "happen" on the page. What do I mean by that? Good writing writes itself once a premise is laid down. Then it is edited to clarify. I felt this began clear and calculated. Even so, diverting and fun to read.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2007 11:53 AM

I think you win the award for best use of naked, with a nude funeral. Incredibly inventive and original.

As a few people mentioned, the story was a little confusing at times, but I think with a rewrite it would be great. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more of your stuff in the future.

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3) ~ 6/1/2007 12:49 PM

lol. Yes. A nude funeral did catch me off guard. But it set me up right away to enjoy the situation because I don't have any preconceived notions of naked funerals. lol. I really enjoyed this one.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2007 1:34 PM

Thanks! It started as a 9 pager and ended up being 5, I'll upload the longer version that hopefully fills in the holes.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2007 2:27 PM

Hey, Rusty, I really look forward to reading the 9 pager. And a big thank you, as always, for your thoughtful and detailed commentary in your reviews. It's much appreciated.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/1/2007 4:27 PM

Rusty, nice job, I want to read the 9 pager as well. Also, want you to know that every month I read the comments that you (and a few others) leave on everyone's scripts. They are usually awesome and I really respect your opinion. Really glad you're here.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2007 8:22 PM

I totally concur. I think you win the award for best reviews this month. I thought they were all incredibly thoughtful and incisive.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 6/2/2007 7:55 AM

I just tell it like it is and just being plain negative or positive doesn't serve the purpose of this site.

And I could be way off the mark to what the writer originally intended as well, but even if he lets me know that then he probably has fixed what was wrong and my purpose is served.

And finally the world outside this site can be a very disheartening place and we should be so fortunate that there are "screenwriters" and not readers who give you an opinion about your script.

Now don't go all mushy on me, get back to writing.