Comments Made During the Contest

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Good images and descriptions, possibly too lengthy for some readers. Visually powerful but lacked complete meaning for me. Maybe it passed over my head, but I missed the implications on the last page and never understood the metaphor of the carnival. Is it pre-earth life? A fantasy? A trance?

I needed to understand more about this world with some more clues, signs or character actions.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Your script, I believe, is intended to have a deeper symbolic significance than I've been able to grasp. I wasn't sure what to make of all the "father" references...so this script has me scratching my head, wondering what it's supposed to mean.

I was also perplexed by soothing music at a carnival where everything else is so overdone...why soothing music at a place where it's supposed to be loud and lively?

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Very well written, but the word 'Horsey' made me laugh for some reason. Very visual, with a tony tense moment at the end. This was certainly a treat to read.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written pretty well, but you should try to avoid descriptive phrases that can not be seen like "But there is nothing in the world Shawn wants more than that big old drago." We can't see that he wants it that badly unless you describe what we will be looking at on the sreen that will show us. Simply informing the reader isn't good enough, the director needs to know what the shot will be. The story itself had my interest right up until the end, then it fizzled. The jovial old man is not introduced properly and attention is focused on the fact that something isn't quite right about him, but the script never comes back to that character at all so it was extraneous and played no part in the story.

This was a creative script, but I wish you would have clarified where they were. I got the impression that these kids were dead and this carnival was like "heaven" for them, but that wasn't ever really confirmed or denied.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Best be precise about ages. Why do you say'somewhere between the ages of 5 and 8'? Wastes space and how would you cast it?

Your descriptions (e.g. the jovial man) TELL us things you should SHOW us. He's a bit 'off'? Again - the woman has wrinkles caused by smiling too much?

Was this meant to be heaven? I don't know. It was hard to understand your intention.

To me, this had undercurrents of unpleasantness, of perversion, of child abuse. I don't know if that's what you intended but that's what I got from it. Rather creepy adults toying with young vulnerable children. So while superficially it would please a child to see the fantastic elements, underneath I didn't find it suitable for a family audience.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Wow. Very nice. Heaven? Limbo? Purgatory? Something in between. Doesn't really matter, I guess, really got a good "feel" from this one. I could see it unfolding before my eyes, hear the little girl's sweet voice. I hesitated at the gate with them, wondering what would be in the "whiteness". I found it sweet and exciting, but at the same time sad and almost depressing and somewhat scarey. That's the brilliance of it - the way you've made me think and feel.

Excellent work, would really like to know more about what it all means. Really think this one will be up there.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft is good and your imagery is beautiful, haunting and dream-like.

It all felt like a big metaphor, but I'm not sure for what. Perhaps it's there, buried in the subtext, and I just missed it. But I wanted some resolution or reveal at the end. What is "The Carnival"?

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Easy to read, well told.

It kind of reminded me of "Pleasure Island" in "Pinocchio". That combined with my own childhood experiences of being around carnivals would make me want to leave by that gate pretty early. (Subjective, I know.)

I did get it though, and you did a good job with it.

Thanks.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

This was written very well, very descriptive as if almost... touching on a novel. Lots of great decription, but maybe too much for a screen play.

It played out very pleasent, we got that picture early on that life was wonderful here and easy and kids get what they want, but we got that picture over and over.

The end was odd in that it started to pick up when they were going to leave, but darn, they changed their minds and so the drama died there.

Has potential.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

The use of caps should be used when a character is first introduced. Sounds can be capitalized also. Your use of caps was quite confusing as was the story. I didn't get it at all. You have plenty of set up, and the hook didn't come until the two try to leave, and the resolution I didn't understand at all. I try to get to the hook by the second or third page of a script. Sometimes sooner than that with a short script such as five pages. Too much set up slows a story down.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Two things to start off: (1) I thought this was really beautifully written. You had your toes right up against "flowery", but you didn't cross over. It worked with the surreal feeling you were going for. (2) This is how I interpreted your script(that way, if I completely misunderstood it you can totally disregard everything else I have to say): I took the carnival to symbolize childhood, and the great gate to be the entrance into the "real" world...the responsibilities and concerns of adulthood.

That said, I thought there was an almost eerie tone to the script. The over-the-top perfection of the place was more than I could trust...like a "Pleasure Island" vibe. I kept waiting for Pinocchio and Honest John to come around the corner with their donkey ears and tails. If, indeed, you were trying to capture the awestruck innocence of childhood, then I'm not sure that an over-the-top carnival is the best setting. There's a certain purity that is lost in such a gratuitous place. I think that tone had me waiting for some sort of twist...but this script was something more of a parable, and that's why it didn't really hit home with me. I hope I'm making sense.

Hiland Chamblee (Level 1)

A little boring. Ending of colors didnt make alot of sense to me. It was a great idea.

Ian Cowell (Level 2)

Hmmmm...so where are we? Heaven? Hell? It could be both, which I like.
An imaginative story - bit creepy and Stephen King like, so not sure it's a family film, but it was a good read.

Joanna Messineo (Level 3)

Hi, I'm 10 and I thought this script was confusing. I liked all the detail. I really wasn't sure what was going on in this script. I didn't think there was any plot.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Well, you’ve created a wonderful B. T. Barnum atmosphere here, and I did enjoy reading your script. It certainly is a surreal rendition to the point that I didn’t understand the ending. Why was Shawn not awarded that “big ol’ dragon?” You have generated an overall sense of foreboding evil using just simple innocuous words and phrases. I got that this brother and sister are innocent spirits trapped in some form of sinister earthly fun forever purgatory. I must be really thick not to fully catch your vision. Good work.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

My favorite scene was hitting the milk bottles, I think that could come off very well on the screen.

I think that the idea of Jamie leaving childhood (if this is what this script is about) is an interesting concept, but I don't know if there's that much conflict in her decision to leave the carnival. Everything is perfect there, there needs to be some reason for her to leave. She needs to have a choice that has some kind of consequences, something to suffer some angst over.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I thought this was visually stunning...a great animated film this would make. But it was almost all show and no story. Other than the atmosphere, I didn't really get a sense of what was going on...and I still don't really "get it". I assume it's a metaphor for something...but not exactly sure what. Perhaps it's over my head; which wouldn't be the first time.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Seems more like a drug-induced hallucination than a story. Maybe I just don't get it.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I really liked this. I did. I'm only giving you a "good" because I'm not at all certain it fits the family film requirement. There's something eerie and dark here. I like eerie and I like dark, by the way. The carnival seems almost like a trap for the children. A pleasant trap, but a trap none the less, like the island of lost children in "Pinnochio." Traps are dangerous, though. As lovely as the current situation may be for these two little children, there's something sinister in the setting as well. This could be the opening segment of a very dark story...

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

It was an interesting read with great visuals but I just didn't get it. I read it twice thinking I must have missed something. Were they dead? Jamie mentioned her father so many times but you never let us know why. Did he kill them or something? I don't mid when things aren't fully explained, leaving something for us to think about...but for me, there were just too many unanswered questions.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I liked it.

I think this might be a bit too complex for the kids in the audience. Heck, I think it might be too complex for me! Were these kids dead? Were they in heaven?

While the plot required you to show that everything is perfect in this carnival, I think you stayed a bit too much in perfect land. There didn’t seem to be much conflict going on until the twist at the end.

Loved the concept, though.

Very good job.

Michael Rome (Level 4)

Enjoyed the story concept. Very good description and judicious use of dialogue.
I can see the images at the carnival as I read.

I missed something at the end. I get that it is a nice Limbo for the children until they are ready to move on to the next level, but I'm not sure I got at the ending. Was Jamie staying because her brother wasn't ready, or was she not ready.

I read through it a second time skipping the Voice Overs. I liked it more without the Voice Overs. Although, maybe the two at the very end help.

Nice job.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

I love the fantasy world you created in the story.

the characters, Jamie and Shawn, seemed a little generic. and, I'm not sure what their motivation is in this piece. I understand they love to just stay at the carnival and play, play, play. but, why? aren't there any consequences?

which brings me to the ending -- the purpose of the gate, the border of the carnival. what is it? why would any kid walk through it? I don't get enough exposition to understand this ending.

tension and suspense were pretty much non-existent. Jamie and Shawn just wandered from fun to fun to fun.

A few suggestions for improvement:
- character ages ("somewhere between ages of 5 and 8"): I think, in this range, it is important to give specific, exact ages. especially since it is stated that Jamie is the big sister to Shawn; yet, we don't know exactly how much of a bigger sister. this is important for the ending since "just enough room for Shawn to slide in..."
- overall, this piece had a novelist voice. for example, telling us "something 'off' about this man." the specifics, "too happy, too kind" is abstract and leaves the description to our own interpretation.
- "kids are now walking past..." is one of the times you didn't use third person present tense, active verbs. the majority of the sentence structures were active, tho.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Interesting story, well-told. Opening scene is a grabber, I instantly started wondering where their parents are. I did start to catch on about halfway through, though, and began skimming ahead to find out if I was right. The ending is somewhat more ambiguous than I expected, though.

Action text and descriptions are clear & vivid. Doing (nearly) all dialogue in v.o. is an interesting choice but handled very well.

Format is excellent. No spelling, punctuation, or other basic errors noted.

Paul Young (Level 3)

Some of the scenes you paint here are very magical and surreal. I like the descriptions of the different rides that the children encounter. I suppose this is how carnivals felt when we were all younger and filled with wonder. Some minor things to consider would be to only put the names in ALL CAPS when they are first mentioned in the script... you've repeated the CAPS several times after their initial introduction. The story could use more conflict as well... the kids just move from each area without anything blocking their movement or happiness. Nice visuals.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a great imaginative visual. I think I'd have preferred an ending that said something about the unreality of it all or gave a different message. It's probably because I'm a pessimist like that.

What I was expecting to happen was that the kids would realize that their parents where not actually there and had created this world of artificial gizmos as a substitute for their own time playing with the children. The children would turn their back on this world and want to spend time with their family instead.

I'm guessing that you know that you are way outside the bounds of normally acceptable description in many places here and are doing it deliberately. For the purpose of your story it works but it would be very hard to translate some of it to the screen.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I liked this one quite a lot. I almost voted very good. Why didn't I? It was way too wordy for a screenplay. Read almost like a short story.

The last paragraph on page one continues on to the next page in mid sentence...

Anyway, I enjoyed the story a lot. Loved how everything was "bizarre". I just wished it read more like a screenplay... You even wrote The End rather than Fade out at the end. Which I suppose is not a major problem, but it just added to the short story feel.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

The opening could be trimmed.
"JAMIE, 5 and SHAWN, 8 make their way down the main avenue."

I really like the setting you established with the kaleidoscope of colors.

You can eliminate the line "This jovial man is the..." No need.

Careful with the sluglines. You have "INT. Roller coaster - night. It seems this scene is really at the entrance of the ride, not inside the roller coaster. The way you have it, I picture them in the ride.

After you introduce the character with caps, you don't need caps the rest of the way.

It would be cool if there was only one grown up- and he was the same guy at every ride and game. Maybe with a different hat or mustache.

I thought this was a real unique story, but I'd appreciate you emailing me to tell me what this symbolizes because I'm not sure.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Sweet story. Everyone loves the carnival!

Ron Blizzard (Level 0)

Well written, well paced. The line "somewhere between 5 and 8" kind of threw me. Why not just say "5 and 8?" I think it would be interesting to see how this would work without the VO. It might be a little better to show us instead of having Jamie tell us. (But that's personal taste.) Not quite sure what the ending meant. Since I haven't liked carnivals for a long time, endlessly living in one seems a lot like hell. The place reminded me of Pleasure Island -- I almost expected Shawn to turn into a donkey.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This has such a spooky feeling about it. I think carnival settings are really great for kids stories, especially scary ones, as there is something surreal about carnivals.. I wanted a little more backstory on the kids, as it is, you're left wondering who father is, and why they are at the carnival. It's got an other wordly feeling to it. I think it would make a good short film.

Good use of the voice over, and the images and feeling of the script are spot on.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

A brilliant image of serenity or possibly a way station before entering heaven. Good odd type of characters and visuals about the characters. Your imagination is on fire with this one.

One thing that seemed to distract me just slightly was the reference to music. This part seemed more like novel writing than screenwriting, "MUSIC, soft and flowing, drenches the air around them." Several other places throughout the script you use music and direction of the music. Even though it was a bit distracting it did help direct a film maker without camera angle shots or such.

Overall, very good writing and story.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Firstly, I liked this.

I don't quite understand what it was all about, I've got to try and work it out for myself - which I guess can be judged as a good thing or a bad thing.

1. This is heaven, just for children....
2. This is some sort of children's den, where it's a trap....

See, it's quite open to my own imagination. I'd have liked it to be a little clearer. Maybe, just a little more exposure to what your idea was. Still it's a very nicely written short.

Well done.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I enjoyed the surrealness of this, nice imagery and the sinister touches. I kept expecting something to happen, too bad nothing did. The narration and VO were a bit heavy-handed & tedious for my liking, this could be edited and more impactful for it. I don't think I get though, what is the story or the challenge? We wander through the Carnival, no character has a purpose or expresses a desire to leave or accomplish anything. The characters themselves where a little sketchy, nobody really good or evil, not enough drama for me to sink into.

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

A good idea. I’m not fully sure that at the end I got the subtext of where they really were. But the last page really held my attention as I waited for the pay off.

I think style wise, the descriptive writing and action could be condensed. This is no more apparent than the first few lines. It could have been written simpler:

Shawn 5 and his older sister Jamie 7, walk amidst a kaleidoscope of colours holding hands. They stare at the attractions in awe.

Soemthing like the above says in two to three lines what you say in fifteen. But the description is otherwise nice and clear and you get a good sense of the atmosphere. I liked the piece though and it held my attention.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Very imaginative piece of work. It's this kind of script that shows what a difference great descriptive writing can do for a story. This was a mystery througout for me: Is this heaven? Pergortory? A dream? You leave me wanting to decipher the voice-over. I enjoy the subjective tones. I can't imagine this won't be a contender. Thanks for sharing.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

The writing was very good, the story is lost on me.

There is a fine line of perversion/death/cult/dream...

I'm not sure which one you were trying to convey. As I stated earlier, the writing itself is very good, I'm not so sure it fits the spirit of the contest.

Comments Made After the Contest

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 3:25 AM

Very creative. Some of my favorite stories are the ones that make me think. Still love the subjective ending.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 6:38 AM

Thanks a lot for all the advice, I really appreciate it. Some of the dumb mistakes I made in writing the script are pretty obvious now that I see them. I'll definitely take all that into consideration if I write another one.

I don't really want to make the ending more clear or obvious, since it seems like every one who responded has had their own view and opinion. That was something I aimed for so I figure I did a good job there at least.

One thing I do want to make clear: This wasn't meant to be a sinister, dark or evil story. Everyone can have their own feelings about it, of course, but it definitely wasn't something I consciously wanted to be inferred. I honestly don't understand how child abuse, pervasion or unpleasantness could be interpreted and I think something that extreme is more self-manifested than anything.

But anyways, thanks again for all the advice!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2008 8:02 AM

Travis, I scored this one Excellent, one of my top 3 this month. Hope you do "write another one", you are very talented.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 3:20 PM

Thanks a lot, Charlie. You definitely seem like a guy who knows his stuff, so having you say that means the world to me. Although, with all the other mixed feelings on the script, I can't help but wonder what it was that made you like mine so much.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 5:01 PM

Travis, I also scored this an excellent simply because the scenes remind me of the fun fantasy/gadget scenes similiar to the Spy Kids series. The ending was just a breath of fresh air away from the all too common crotch shots, fart jokes, and inuendos found in today's "family" films; and I'm not saying this as a prude, it's just that many filmmakers insult the intelligience of today's children.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 5:48 PM

Wes, thanks for the input. I'm not saying this as prude either, but I'm glad you and Charlie were able to see this script as something more than just confusing or sinister.

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 8/2/2008 8:14 PM

Travis, I've just read this again.

I think it's the part saying that the guy is too friendly...too nice...too...perfect, that gives a little feeling of bad things. Also, the way the adults stare at the children as they are about to leave gives the same sort of feel.

After a re-read and seeing your comments - I'm thinking this is more a story of innocence, and how the children are choosing not to grow old just yet.

Just thought I'd offer up a few reasons why people may have taken this a different way than intended.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/3/2008 11:01 AM

When more than one person sees a script differently, there is a reason. Reading comprehension comes from the reader, not the writer. Many people miss my scripts points, meaning and subtext. It is my fault when that happens, but when you have a story which can be taken differently by readers, (good points from Stephen Brown, above), it doesn't make that individual incorrect with their comprehension of your work.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 8/3/2008 11:05 AM

You and Steven are absolutely correct. But I never said anyone was wrong with how they saw the story. I was simply saying that I never intended/thought anyone would see it that way when I was writing it.

Rob Gross (Level 4) ~ 1/8/2009 11:20 AM

Travis, hey there-
I was curious to know what the symbolism is. I really loved the script, but I would love to know.