Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

This was cute. Well structured, funny-- a couple really nice bits of dialogue. There were moments of implausibility that strained a bit, but given the cartoonish nature, it can mostly be forgiven. For example-- the fact that Ed didn't recognize Dad's voice-- and the physics of the ladder bit-- might be stretching, but still funny. Good ending and punchline.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Very funny! Great visuals and lots of fun! Well done.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Great one! The dad mumbling out-loud could probably be cut, it's little unnecessary, but thats just me. Loved how it the teeth comes full circle at end. A little predictable but still a fun story.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was very well done, probably one of my favorites of the month. Good characters, good descriptions, nice dialogue, cute story. Well done.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked this. A lively and amusing story just right for the intended audience. It WAS predictable - I guessed exactly what would happen almost from the first, but maybe that doesn't matter? It would be visually amusing and moved along at a good pace.

Good job.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Cute. I like the idea for your story and saw some pretty funny shots there, the bit on the ladder, getting splatted on the windows - "hairy". However, you make it so obvious what is going to happen by leading off with the burglaries news. Why do you need that? Wouldn't Ed act the same if he just woke up in the middle of the night to someone climbing toward his neighbor's window? Really think you need to cut that first part out.

A little polish on this one could go a long way. Try and make it a little more believable and I think you'll have a very funny script here.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was very cute. It was a little over the top, but probably perfect for kids.

Your craft is very good and this was a very fun read. I really enjoyed it.

Lastly great title and I like the "rhyming" with the Dad losing his teeth as well as his children.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This one just seems mean to me.

I've never been a big fan of stories where people get beat up and it's supposed to be humor. (Although I realize that's mostly subjective.)

You have the ability to tell a story in script format. I just didn't care for this one.

Thanks.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This is a cute story, but in the end very predictable. Unfortunately, as soon as Mom suggested to Dad that he climb up a ladder into the girls room the resulting ending was apparent. Nonetheless, I still enjoyed reading this and thought this was well written.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Very cute. Had me laughing. Comedy is hard to do so kudos to you. You had just enough story to keep me reading and entertained.

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

LOL! I loved this one! I was laughing the whole time. I thought your action paragraphs were simple, understandable and very funny. I could see everything clearly in my head.

I thought that the cut from the window to the next morning was a little abrupt and I wanted to see more of what happened that night. Did the cops get there? What about Ed? Did he find out that it was his neighbor or how did he not? I guess if you had gone on for much longer than it would have ruined the punch line of the missing teeth. Still, it felt like the story worked up to this bad situation and then we never know how he gets out of it.

Overall I thought you did a Very Good job! I read this aloud to my sisters and we were all roaring with laughter!

Edward Dalez (Level 1)

This was a very good little story. I'm glad the burglar angle was an important piece. I thought it was going to be a throw-away line, but it was definitely not. Very cute story told in a small amount of time. Good work!!

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

The writing was technically fine, I saw the story unfold before my eyes. The story did feel like there was a gap in it from the point dad slides down the window until next morning. 5 page limitation I answer. It was funny, especially the acrobatics with the ladder. Dad's character grumbling to himself fit, but a girl that is head of the debate team means she's beautiful?

I figured dad would lose some teeth, lol. But I think the children would try to open the window, or at least look out of it, there was a lot of commotion going on. A good funny concept nonetheless. Good story structure to boot.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I thought this was great. Family fun at its finest. Good dialogue. A little slapstick. A funny little twist at the end. Loved it.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

Hi. Interesting kind of send up. Not sure I like debunking the tooth fairy in a family movie, and I thought Dad's losing his teeth is a bit sadistic. That is, the "humor" depends on someone's pain, (and actual loss of body parts) which makes a poor showing in the family category. Also, I don't know if kids will get the identity theft bit. Bringing up that kids are safer on the second floor also misses in the humor department and adds an unnecessary sinister overtone to the piece. I'm not sure the "whole family" would enjoy everything about this movie. The writer does have good "comic timing",an overall ear for dialog and a developed comic sensibility that expresses well visually.

Joanna Messineo (Level 3)

Hi, I'm 10 and I thought this was great. I liked how this made me laugh. Kids love funny and that is what you gave them. I didn't understand why at the begining Emma looked upset.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Good comedy script that will get the whole family laughing at a funny family film. The action was graphic throughout. The exaggerated scene with the ‘Tooth Fairy” balancing on the teetering ladder certainly heightened the suspense for the little girls and for me. The final line was priceless; as dad lowers the newspaper exposing the gaps where his teeth had been … DAD “You better ask your mother.” was spot on perfect. I looked hard for a flaw or for some intelligent suggestion that might help improve your story. Could find no irritating spec in this pearl.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Very good, I really liked Ed's dialogue and imagining him swinging back and forth on the ladder. Don't know that I would have had him lose any teeth in the end, but I think it's a very good script overall.

Kirk White (Level 5)

not so good title for a very good script! this was fun and I can easily see this being a great short. but please change the title!! it's the only thing that kept this from getting an excellent.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Great script. Fun to read. I'd love to see this as a short film.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I loved this! Very well written. Good bones,firm flesh, strong funny bone. I loved it, my kids would love it, and my grandkids would be talking about it every time one of them lost a tooth. I have no criticisms to offer at all, only kudos. Very nice!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I love the idea of this story. Very cute and entertaining. Filmable. I just think the writing could use some work.

Why give the neighbors names but not the parents? I think if you named them it would make them more real. Instead of just Mom and Dad.

The visuals were funny...the whole concept was funny. I liked the neighbors line about identity theft.

"It's her! She's here, she's here!" - "She's hairy" ----AWESOME. Very funny. :)

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I liked this one. I think it was well written.

Having a character say there’s no way in hell he’ll do something and cutting to the character doing it, is a classic. Hard not to laugh at that one (specially if what he has to do is something ridiculous).

No major complaints. I just wish the ending had some sort of surprise instead of being the obvious aftermath of what happened before. Still, it fitted the rest of the story.

Very good job.

Michael Leath (Level 3)

The limit of pages makes something like this difficult. The story was clever, yet transparent in its outcome. Again the guidelines make this proposition challenging to be inventive, offering twists that disguise the finale.

Your format was well done. All technical aspects of the script writing were at a professional level.

While I was not crazy about the story, I did feel it warranted a score reflective of its over-all delivery.

Michael Rome (Level 4)

Great concept for a comedy. I can see Will Ferrel dressed as the Tooth Fairy. The characters are very believable and the description is just enough.

My only suggestion might involve the less is more approach in dialogue. For example:

DAD
No. Absolutely not. There is no way
I'm dressing up like a fairy and
climbing through a window. That's
just ridiculous.

Possibley reads better, and funnier as:

DAD
There is no way I'm dressing up lika
a fairy and climbing through a window.

Overall; wonderful job on a funny piece.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

"losing Teeth" title scares me. It sounds like the horror genre. reminds me of going to the Dentist and getting teeth pulled.

okay. it wasn't a horror. it was very fun, entertaining, and family-oriented.

your opening line foreshadowed the impending conflict. and, I liked that.

the entertaining part was when Ed conflicts with Dad. when you introduced Ed and Doris, I was afraid too many people would be fighting for screen time. but, that was not the case in this piece.

on page two, I got a little confused by Dad's dialogue -- "she's beautiful and smart." I needed a little more exposition. I'm not exactly sure what exposition to include. I just need some clue or reference of the conflict. maybe it's as simple as using the parenthetical "grumbling" instead of "mumbling. each word creates a different image of Dad's attitude.

the ending was fulfilling, satisfying, and surprising.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Cute story, well-told. No format errors, typos, or other problems noted. Dialogue & action are tightly written.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a good effort and an entertaining story but there is a fundamental flaw. If this is a family story can you get away with blabbing the true nature of the tooth fairy? Your best bet for getting away with this would be to have the actual tooth fairy turn up during the chaos.

I think that your dialog is a little unnatural in places. Take on page 2 for example - MOM: "You know, ....". It's perhaps too formal, with extra words that are good grammar but most people don't talk quite like that. Does it need the "something like", could it say "for Emma", "I still" instead of "I think I still", "costume in our closet." and lose the ", just waiting for this occasion.". OK maybe you don't change all those things because some interest in the language might be good. Overall though your line slows the story down.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Very good!

I liked it. It was cute and funny.

My only question would be about Dad sitting reading the paper in the morning. Seems to me he would be in pain and perhaps on his way to a dentist.

Still very good though.

Good luck. :-)

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Haha, this one mad me laugh.

I saw this right from the beginning. As soon as he grabbed the ladder, I new that someone would think he's the burglar, but it's still a funny family story!

Dialog was well done also.

Ron Blizzard (Level 0)

Good formatting, well paced. Effective ending, but not that likable (at least not in my opinion). Did it have to be her Dad's teeth?

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I had to give this one an excellent, it's just so fun and cute and charming. I can picture the whole story as I read. Good work. Humor is hard to pull off, but I thought the scene where the little girls were watching their dad flying towards the window was just hilarious.

Very nice work on this one, I think it would make a very charming short film.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Great comedy. I liked the wife putting in her two cents to provoke the father. Seems like real life. At one point I was lost in the story and not paying attention to the review. When that happens you know it's good. This one was excellent for me.

Suggestions: Page 2. Mom says, "Yeah, my dad actually..." and on page 3 the Dad says, "Yeah, lets put the kids..." These two dialogues seemed quite similar and you may want to differentiate them slightly.

Excellent!!!

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was quite funny in parts, but the story kinda felt flat.

Some of your action lines could be reworded and shortened to give a quicker read. Overall, well written and entertaining. Just lacked a certain something -- don't know what.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

My teeth are the center of my existence, so the title made me cringe... and the ending made my teeth hurt. For anyone else, this was cheerful & light. Nice comedic touches, especially the slapstick with the garden hose was LOL funny if it strained believability (that's some high pressure hose Ed's got, he must be a fireman?). I loved dad in the tutu as the hairy fairy, but didn't like him talking to himself, it seemed unnecessary explanation. Overall, one of the better stories I've read this month so far. VERY GOOD.

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

A funny script, great humour and some nice touches; especially with the neighbour.

I think the first page started off a bit report like, and you could see anticipate the mistaken burglar deal, but then it got going and flowed well.

The structure and the humour were the best elements for me. Well thought through and I would have enjoyed seeing this one.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Cute story. I wonder how many times I'll use the word "cute" this month. I like the mirrored beginning and ending. A little word trouble around the garage door opening and then opening again, but after a second read I understood what you meant; that section could go for a polish. I think a theater full of families would be laughing out loud at this, physical humor always goes over well. Dialogue was real, not too expositional. Well done.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Quick read and cute. An enjoyable tale. You can see it coming but I don't think it takes away from the script.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2008 12:08 AM

Congratulations on your first top three finish. Very well done.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2008 12:24 AM

Congrats. I loved this!!!! Very well written and fun.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2008 12:37 AM

Congratulations. Well done.

Aaron Williams (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2008 7:37 AM

Sweet man-- nicely done.. dug the visuals on this.. and it could be shot cheaply.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 7:39 AM

Great job, congrats! One of my top two of the month.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2008 7:49 AM

Nice job, Brad, good to see you at the top.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2008 10:20 AM

You got an excellent from me, and I was glad to see a lot of people concur. Good stuff.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 10:22 AM

Congrats, Brad. Keep up the good work!

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 10:16 PM

Congratulations! You did a nice job on this. However I'm astonished that I was the only person to mention you outing the Tooth Fairy. In spite of this I voted Good.

If you showed the movie to my young children I'd be annoyed. Some less easy going parents would be baying for blood! Of course you could try to mollify them with free tickets to the sequels "Broken Sleigh" and "Empty Manger"! (Joke!)

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2008 10:50 PM

Actually, I'm thinking about doing an Easter bunny story called "Losing Feet". Here's a quick excerpt:

MOM
What's wrong sweetie?

GIRL
The Easter bunny came, but he
didn't leave any chocolate.
He just left this bloody stump.