Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

Wow-- this one really touched me. Great characters, I liked the stoic Ellis offset by annoying Mike. The kid was great and the message good.. not preachy, but affecting. Well done.. very happy with this one.

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I'm trying to figure out wha the story is here. Ellis is concerned about his son in school I undersytand that but he gos to the school and Barnum does a show and tell about his dad. Where's the conflict with this?

I also didnt understand the Fleuncy part. Is Barnum speaking in a different language? I didnt see any reference to that in the story. I would look into clariftying some of these things in the piece.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I think the important relationship here is between Barnum and Ellis...I would say focus more on that. Take out all the chatter between Ellis and Mike, and find ways to show us more of what Ellis tells his classmates rather than just letting us hear about it. Showing is always more powerful than telling.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

A hard subject indeed. The classroom scenes a bit jumpy to me, don't know if they were meant that way, or if you felt pressured by the page limit, which is what I think happened. Also, I don't believe I've ever seen SAME as part of the scene header, but that could just be my mistake.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was a pretty good story, but I think the character descriptions could be improved upon. All the chatter between the two garbage men on the first two pages could be shortened considerably since it doesn't really end up factoring in to the story. Overall, this was pretty enjoyable. Nice job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked this story, although I wondered if the first section - the conversation around the dustcart, would be over the heads of a younger audience.

I did think it was poignant having dad for Show and Tell, and not too cheesily done (which it could have been)

The ending, with Ellis's transformation, was well done.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Well written, sweet little story, perhaps a bit too sweet. I really liked the characters and the setting, but the garbage truck was a bit cliche' and some of Barnum's dialogue seemed a bit over the top in trying to evoke emotion.

Not sure I buy the garbage truck stopping while he goes into school for show-and-tell, maybe that's why my garbage always gets picked up late.

Still, all-in-all this was a solid effort, a nice story and good writing.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is incredibly sweet. I love Mike and Ellis. Their dialogue and scenes are wonderful.

However, the scene in the classroom is a bit too much. Barnum is so great and so perfect, I half expected him to be robotic in the end. :)

I think you can achieve the same effect (even more so) without making that scene so amazing. For example, what if Ellis was called to school because his son got in a fight, only to discover the fight was something he was proud of his son for.

Anyway, I really did enjoy this a lot, and I think if you tweak the scene in the school it could be fantastic.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Another good-hearted story.

I didn't buy into the dialogue and some of it was "on the nose". "I'm sure we'll have a few others reach that level before the end of the year, however Barnum is our first student to do so, and he's been working hard already to reach fluent level three."

I liked the characters and I liked the general direction of the story.

Thanks.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

This is a really sweet story. Not too much to comment on as far as format - good there.
Not sure where the real conflict is but it def. had a dramatic theme.
Good job!

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I might have to stop telling writers to use DAY and show in the action (or dialogue) that it is morning. It seems everyone does it.

Putting ages in parenthesis(30's) would give you extra room to describe what Ellis looks like instead of saying he's a former linebacker. I see a large guy do I assume he's a former linebacker? Other than that, you know what you're doing quite well.

I really liked this story and message, touching on, and bringing home a racial "educational profiling" without any overt display of ugliness, fantastic. I also found Ellis' son's name - Barnum, very interesting indeed. A very good job, aw heck.. Excellent.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I liked this one. I can guess that you will receive a few comments about this being too preachy, or too fluffy, but...you know, it is what it is. You created characters that stayed consistent throughout the script, and the type of "preach" and "fluff" that I'm marking people down for comes with the sudden and unlikely conversion of a character from mean to mushy...and you didn't have that. I think the one question that you do need to ask yourself is: what occurs in the first couple pages that enhances the character of Ellis, or that makes us curious about him and, in particular, his relationship to his son. I feel like those first two pages did more for the character of Mike than Ellis...and that doesn't help your script as a whole. All in all, though. Nice work.

Ian Cowell (Level 2)

I didn't get a sense of a story here - a guy feels inferior, goes to see his son's show and tell and leaves feeling proud.
There needs to be more at stake, maybe.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I gave this a "good", because although I liked the characters, the conflict was all second-hand or very minimal.... Too much camaraderie, not enough butting heads for my taste. Pretty good from a family-viewing perspective.

Jason Daniels (Level 2)

This was great. Your initial description really set the tone, contrasting the neighborhood with the garbage truck and the garbage men. I really enjoyed the dialog between Ellis and Mike. It was very real as we all know someone chatty like Mike.

It was a nice surprise to have Ellis’ visit to school be for a good reason. As a dad, I have a soft spot for tales with fathers and sons, so I really enjoyed this one.

Ellis is an excellent example of the good, humble dad. This is a great story that would make an excellent short film. Thank you!

Joanna Messineo (Level 3)

Hi, I'm 10 years old and I thought this was cool. I was really touched by the whole thing . Good job!

John Brooke (Level 5)

Good solid story with a message, and you have laid it out so neatly. I liked the flow and the conversations between the two garbage men rang true for me, as did the dialogue in the school show and tell. Nice wholesome family film with no gut wrenching surprises. It does meet this month’s prompt about swearing and violence but I have to fault it on the fun part. It just seems to me that you have a good solid premise here verging on peachiness. I would like to see it bursting out of its stereotypical serious corset. I wished that you had helped it emerge with a laugh rather than a polite smile.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Not much of a story or conflict here. I kept waiting for something to happen.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

That was an excellent script! Each character had his own voice and everything about this script completely worked! Good job.

Kirk White (Level 5)

great job. strong characters...wonderful dialogue. nothing I can say about this. I think it will place.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Excellent. I love the "my dad is mean" monologue.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I absolutely love this! There are no technical suggestions to make. It's fun and funny. It's incredibly poignant. I love the "my dad's not great, but he's pretty damn perfect" attitude Barnum puts out there. Every word works in building the story. Kids would enjoy this as much as adults. I love this! Excellent work!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was a nice, feel good story. Ellis is a hard working guy. Wants his kids to have more than he did. His son using him for show and tell makes Ellis know he's doing a good job.

The dialog was a bit much I thought. Didn't seem natural. I think if it was toned down a bit it would come across better.

Your writing is good but sometimes you tell us some info like "it's a typical day" --(how would we know that?) and Ellis was a "former linebacker". Why not say he's built like a linebacker?

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Excellent.

The beginning dragged a little bit since, it felt a bit chatty and I wasn’t sure where you where going with that conversation. But everything payed off in the end. And quite nicely.

No major complaints here.

Hope you place.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I really don't have any criticism. You've done well.

Michael Leath (Level 3)

Uplifting story with a good foundation and moral compass.

Ellis' is an example of the possessive for any noun or pronoun that ends in S. Check you commas before and after quotation marks.

Formatting was crisp and constitently good throughout. Characters were different from each other. Dialog showed this, and it was done well.

I enjoyed the the descriptive paragraphs at the beginning. Had a lyrical feel to them as you described the part of town the garbage truck was working.

You have achieved skill at this style of writing and this piece shows that.

The story attempted to set a tone at first by bringing race into the screenplay. No complaints here. But the ending perhaps would have been stronger if the beginning had fleshed out the father better. Or the slight to the child which ultimately is an exceptional child.

But this is five pages, and that is difficult to do. But you did have back story, which seems to be an element that some miss in this contest. So good job!!

Keep pounding keys!!

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

very well-told piece. it is definitely family-oriented.

nice contrast in character development.

I was definitely in suspense wondering what Ellis would face at the school. And, you surprised me with the show-and-tell resolution.

I would have liked to see more foreshadowing in the beginning. the dialogue should have been about troubles that Barnum was having in school. it could still include racial profilling, and had some focus on how the first-grader didn't have the opportunities and intellectual skills of the middle- to high-income class.

with that exposition, the emotional pay-off during the show-and-tell would have been much higher.

the ending resolved and wrapped-up all of the elements nicely.

I can definitely see this piece getting put onto film. It sends a powerful message in an understated, surprise manner.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Good human story with a ton of heart. Solid job of establishing why Ellis feels beat down & trodden upon early on, so his reaction at the end is much more meaningful. Distinctive character voices. The chatty sidekick is a good counterpoint to Ellis's initial glumness. Good names for characters. Good title.

Minor niggles only. The 'fluent levels' confused me, though of course I got the basic idea that Barnum's doing very well in school. Overall, the script feels like it can use a little tightening, but I can't suggest exactly where.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I'm troubled straight away by the first line "Large, pampered lawns layer this block.". Even if you used "line" instead of "layer" this sentence could still use some work. First lines matter far more than they should. With a line like this many readers might stop right there.

I've just read the second line - you are making it really hard to keep going. I don't mind the colorful language it's more that I think you mean "ornamental" not "monumental" so again I'm confused.

I don't know if you need a new scene heading for the arrival of a garbage truck on the same street you are already on.

Then after all that the dialog starts, the story begins, turns out to be good, has a strong message, and a powerful emotional element. Sort out the beginning and you've got something really good.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This one was good. Somehow I wanted a more kid-like story. I would have liked if it was Barnum's story rather than Ellis's.

I understand what you were doing, but I still would have preferred the story told from the kid's perspective rather than the dad. The dad's story teetered on not interesting for small children and this was supposed to be g-rated. Yours was g-rated, but some of the discussions between Ellis and Mike felt borderline too mature for small kids.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Cool flowing story. I liked the characters a lot and I felt this piece was well done.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

The title suits this piece well. The chatting between Ellis and Mike up front may go on a bit longer than it should -- dipping into racist waters without lingering long enough to do the topic real justice, I would have lost those passages myself.

From a reading aspect, the transition to the classroom confused me for almost a minute. You should not cut to the classroom while Mike is reminiscing about his days in school. I thought we were in a flashback, and had no idea what was going on.

The slug line does make it clear -- LATER, not FLASHBACK -- but hey, I missed it anyway. I am just letting you know that one reader was thoroughly confused at that specific transition, as it is a nuance that would probably not be evident to the author.

The conclusion, with Ellis shouting at the houses as they pass, is nice. Overall, a nice short without too much to fault it for.

Ron Blizzard (Level 0)

Well written. Good ending. Good formatting. Well done.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Oh really really great! I just loved this story. I like the whole thing, the banter between the two men, and the scene in the classroom. It got a little bit cheesy in that scene, but the ending scene just makes up for it. You've got a real knack for dialogue, it's snappy and real and just works. Very well written!

Really enjoyed this one, it's got heart and I hope it wins!!

Thanks for sharing.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

A nice inspirational script.

In your dialogue you have MIKE say these things. The first is, "...and let me tell you amigo." Then later, Dog, did I ever get..." The first would indicate he is speaking to a Mexican; the second to a black person. Could be confusing. Try to match, if that makes sense. Also, I felt like you could have left out the description of your character ELLIS the fact that he was African American. Show us ethnicity through actions and dialogue.

Overall, nice job.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This is my last review this month and I'm very pleased I got through them all because this is my second excellent.

I thought this script was extremely well written and the dialogue held a lot of subtext -- the message still being clear enough for younger children -- that's pretty clever.

With the right actors this would be awesome on screen, especially the last scene where Ellis is screaming at the neighbours.

I didn't think this was about race or the rich/poor division, but about humanity as a whole. How people get put into little boxes with a nametag on and it's difficult to shift...even for your kids. I understood the struggle and frustration of Ellis' character and I felt his emotion at his kid doing well and learning the message with him.

Great job!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Charming slice of life and nicely drawn characters. The story might have been better if there were some challenge or something to overcome either for Ellis or his son, nothing really happened so it wasn't much of a story and there was no drama or change for the main characters. As it stands, Ellis got over a bad mood.

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

I liked this story. The characters were believable and the resolution was very nice. I think the only two things I'd change are: 1) maybe changing Ellis' description to "former high school football linebacker," and then have him explain why he never played Pro, or even college football, because he did poorly in school, and 2) change the name of the award. It's clear that Level Two Fluent is a big step, but what is Barnum fluent in? I'd make it Student of the Quarter or Student of the Year. Minor changes to elements that don't detract from the story. Well done.

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

This felt like the opening a bigger film in the sense that it built the characters very fast and efficiently. It's very well written with good dialogue and action.

The piece did not really excite me or pull me in perhaps because as I said it feels like the opening to a bigger picture. The characters are likeable especially Ellis and his son and it would definately qualify well as a Disney type live action piece.

Well written, just failed to ignite the curiosity with what will happen next.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Out of all the characters, I felt like you really hit Mike right on the head. He was three dimensional and interesting.

Ellis and Barnum, I wanted more from them. Barnum was all over the place for me, the show-and-tell didn't jell, it felt awkward from the entrance into the school to the end of the oration.

Again, I liked what you were doing and feel with a re-write, it will be a wonderful slice of life script.

Comments Made After the Contest

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 3:45 AM

It's discouraging that 25% of the readers thought this was excellent (2nd highest for the month), and still I don't place because others gave it a "poor"; that blows me away. I'm starting to think I'll never place in the top 3. I do thank all of you for your comments, as always they will be taken into consideration for any rewrites. I would like to say that not all conflict is external with amazingly high hurdles. Ellis was struggling internally, worried that he was failing as a dad. I decided to go simple this time, (not my typical). Thanks again, and congratulations to the top 3 well deserved writers.

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 3:48 AM

Wes

I absolutely loved this script. I thought the dialogue had a lot of implied conflict and the message was strong. The two excellents I gave was for The Cold and this one. I'm very surprised that this didn't place.

Top work, and I look forward to reading your future work.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 7:36 AM

Hey Wes,

That happens - if it's any consolation, yours was the only Excellent I gave out this month.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2008 7:51 AM

First, this was a great script and it was easily my favorite you have written.

Second, I know it can be hard, but try not be discouraged because you did not place. 55% of the people who read this thought it was great. That is cause for celebration. Placing in the contest is nice, but touching people with your writing is even cooler and you did that this month. You should be very proud of this story.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 7:55 AM

Thanks Stephen, Michael, and Chris. I am proud of this story. I have a brilliant local African-American actor for the part of Ellis--it just would have been a little easier I think to approach investors/directors, etc. if it placed. I've pitched scripts in LA before and they noticably sit up straighter when you tell them you have a script that placed high in a National contest.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 8:20 AM

Try another contest Wes. There are others.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 10:16 AM

You got an Excellent from me. I really thought this was going to place. Good job, man.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 10:05 PM

You're right! How this got a poor is a mystery the answer to which can only be known to the person who didn't read it properly! I've crunched the numbers as you probably have and fortunately that one vote did not keep you out of the places. I also calculate (yes I had too much time on my hands today!) that your script had the widest spread of votes this month.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 8/2/2008 8:38 AM

Yeah I realize now that it was a combination of the poor and fairs. I hope I'm not going to get a "poor" for my sportsmanship-I'm not trying to be a wuss about it. It's just as annoying for me to see someone else's script receive an undeserved "poor". For me to give anyone a "poor", the script would have to be full of typos/format errors/, but most importantly it would have to seem there was no effort in plot/structure/character...anything. I'm very happy with my scores overall, and because of the comments, I've already begun to improve the story. Thanks.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 8/2/2008 9:05 AM

Wes,

I'm with you. Sometimes I wonder if some people vote POOR just to be mean because I can't see any other reason for it. I only vote poor on something if it truly sucked. Like you said, format was wayyyy off, story was too jumbled to understand. This seems to happen every month though that scripts receive a poor when the stories are just fine, good or even excellent.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 12/22/2008 7:40 AM

I got all misty eyed over this, good little script, loved the contrasting characters of Ellis and Mike, and really enjoyed Barnum bigging his dad up.