Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

I was annoyed at first... at the rhyming verse. (see you have me doing it :)
Then it kinda grew on me a bit-- the last line kinda sells it.. but I still think some of the rhymes come off a bit forced.
I thought more about it and it is a good story for kids, something I think my daughter in her younger years would have dug. The world is good, the unlucky chap, the hot fairy, the danger, the lesson.. it all checks out. And I think the rhyming probably can work-- just check some of the weaker lines and see if you can tighten them up.

Adam Grage (Level 4)

"The sparkles become a fine mist as they descend.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
They leave sparkling trails in the
air as they go forming dewdrops
that fall to the foliage below."

I would eliminate this bit of narration as we will already see it on the screen.

I like the rhyming and it helps but I would work on this bit--

"RUMPLETUZ
I’m leaving this town and I’ll tell you why. You might not care if I’m
flapping my wings but everyone else seems to care of these things. This
will never be home unless I’m in flight and I’ve heard of a way to
make everything right. There’s a witch they say lives near Garbinger
Rift, she can make me a potion to give me some lift. It's a dangerous
walk but that’s certainly that! If I ever return, we can have that,um, chat."

This description needs to be trimmed--

"When Jaspa closes her teary eyes a glistening tear escapes. Rumpletuz stares up at Jaspa and watches her agony. He reaches up to comfort her, but he is falling and is too far away. Determined, he flaps his wings but he still falls. Then he flaps faster and he manages to stop his fall just above the wolf’s snout. The wolf hops up and snaps at him but Rumpletuz is unaware of it. Rumpletuz examines his flapping
wings with awe. The wolf snarls and Rumpletuz realises just how close he is to its jaws. He flaps his wings harder and he looks up at Jaspa. A glistening fairy tear hits his face. It coats him in sparkles and he takes off like a rocket leaving
a glittery trail behind him. He grabs Jaspa, pulling her quickly off the nail, and they fly off into the dark woods. He holds her close."

Maybe instead trying breaking it up something like--

"Rumpletuz stares up at Jaspa and watches her agony.

Determined, he flaps his wings but he still falls. He flaps faster and he manages to stop his fall just above the wolf’s snout.

The wolf snaps at Rumpletuz who is unaware of it. Instead, he examines his flapping wings with awe.

When Jaspa closes her teary eyes a glistening tear escapes.

A glistening fairy tear hits his face coating him in sparkles.

He takes off like a rocket leaving a glittery trail behind him.

He grabs Jaspa, pulling her quickly off the nail, and holding her close flies off into the dark woods."

I cut out some small details and blended some things. It will allow someone to see each action as it occurs also. It is just a friendly suggestion and you can work out however you want.

Your narrator ends up repeating alot of what happens on the screen. Overall, the images trump any dialogue. I could easily see this piece without the narrator.

I hope I haven't knocked you down with these critiques because I think this has Pixar written all over it and I could see alot of what was happening on the page. Minus the small issues with some format and such this piece is great. I think with some polish that is one of the better pieces this contest. Good job.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I'm glad you brought the witch in at the end, because as I was reading, I felt really robbed that you'd taken us to her cottage and then she wasn't home.

I think this script, if properly formatted, would be far longer than 5 pages. The loooooooooooong paragraph of action needs to chopped into more bite-sized images. You've got the imagination and the storytelling gift, now you just need to learn some formatting conventions, and you're ready to fly yourself!

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Try to avoid explaining everything through dialogue and voice-over, but as a fairy tale children's story, the voice-over could work. Be careful of that though, lots of what you say in the voice over and dialogue can be written as action. There is a huge block of text near the end, figure out a way to break that up into smaller groups. One look at that can really turn off a reader. You're writing a screenplay, not a book.
Also, guys can be fairies?

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was a very enjoyable read. A couple missed punctuations but the script was solid throughout. For the most part, I enjoyed the rhyming but there were a few stanzas in there that didn't seem to rhyme at all and after we've gotten in to the rythem of the story, a line lacking that rythem tends to distract. All in all, very nice effort. Good work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was cute and well done for doing it in rhyme. It would certainly appeal to the right audience, although personally I found it a bit too syrupy.

Mostly the rhymes were good, but sometimes a bit clunky and forced. I think rhyme like that has to scan perfectly. Mostly it did.

There was one very VERY long chunk of description which was very heavy but I guess you ran out of space?

Visually it would be appealing. Good job.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I see true moments of brilliance here, like the passage when he tells the girl of his plan to go see the witch. However, for the most part, and this may only be me, I find the constant rhyme distracting and forced. A bit like Dr. Seusse, but then again in some places it just seems like you stuggled to come up with something to rhyme, like:

"They flew and the flew and they
flew and they flew and during their
travels their friendship grew too."

and this:

"And while both of them trembled
greatly with fear. Jaspa scooped
the very scared Rumpletuz up and
flew out and away from that grown
up wolf pup."

The only reason for calling him a "grown up wolf pup", rather than just a "wolf", would be to rhyme with the word "up" since you knew that's where they had to fly. This leads me to believe that knowing you wanted to use the word "up", you came up with "pup" as a rhyme, then thought about what kinds of animals had a pup and arrived at a wolf - perfect for a fairy tale - then inserted the wolf into the script.
It doesn't matter if you thought this or not, the point is that I am thinking this before I have even finished your script, I have been completely "taken out of the story". Only making the point to let you know my reaction and the danger of writing in prose if it is not perfect. It's like listening to a beautiful symphony where every once in a while the violinists hit a sour note.

It is distracting in the descriptions as well:

"It coats him in sparkles and he takes off like a rocket leaving
a glittery trail behind him. He grabs Jaspa, pulling her
quickly off the nail,"
So here I'm thinking, did the writer mean to rhyme "trail" and "nail"?

Distractions aside, I REALLY like your story. I think it is fun and interesting and extremely cute. IMHO you either need to really polish up your rhymes and descriptions or abandon the rhyme altogether and just tell the great little tale you have.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I loved this!

The characters and rhyming are wonderful. Perfect ending.

My only very minor complaint is that long paragraph at the end which reads like prose, but I imagine it is like that to fit the story in at 5 pages.

Very well done.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Ah, a fairy tale. A good hearted story.

You spoiled me. Most of the dialogue rhymed but some didn't. I kept going back to make sure I didn't miss something.

I could easily see this as a cartoon. Nice job.

Thanks.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Excellent. Even though it "stole" (I don't mean that in a bad way) some from Dr. Suesse I still really got into the ryhme of it!

I can see this as a wonderfully illustrated childrens book as well.

Edward Dalez (Level 1)

Very good. The rhyming scheme was well done. It made me like the characters more for some reason. Good story all around.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

EXT. A GLADE
You forgot NIGHT in the heading.

A very nice poem/short story, but that huge block of action needs to be broken up. The narrator also seems to say exactly what we see. Unusual that the witch would help, I guess she was a good witch, she didn't get much of an introduction. Was she ugly, pretty? Dressed in white, black? Some of this was hard to visualize.

Joanna Messineo (Level 3)

Hi, I'm 10 and I thought this story was good. I could definitly see this this story as a picture book. I'm experiencing difficulty picturing this as a movie.

Remember a family film is supposed to be written for the whole family not just for little kids. But if you were intending to type this story for little kids, I like it.

John Brooke (Level 5)

You are definitely a pro writer. I was so caught up in reading your script that I completely lost my ability to think rationally. Why this old curmudgeon was happily enjoying second childhood. I enjoyed reading your appropriate childlike rhyming dialogue.

Unfortunately, I can’t find even one single thing to criticize about this feel good family film fare.

Excellently crafted in every way.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

I find this to be a children's story, not one that has enough interest for adults. I could see it making a cute animated film, but one that is geared specifically to small children.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

Good story. Are you going for a musical with this one?

Kirk White (Level 5)

I thought this was clever and nicely original...nice "twist" at the end. And I wanted to give this a very good...but the rhyming dialogue...I'm sorry...it just doesn't work. Maybe in an actual fairy tale book it would play but not in a film....it truly gets in the way of what is a very good story. it almost makes it tedious to read. However I do accept that this is totally a personal pet peeve so take it for what you will....

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Good story, some of the longer rhymes strain slightly, but overall a great story. Good work!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is a treasure. There were a few letters left out here and there, but I had to search for them after the first read through. I was looking back to see if there was anything I could suggest improvement on. My family would love this, story and verse. Very, very nice.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

First of all I just have to say, I'm giving you an excellent on this very day. I have no idea how you made this all rhyme, I can imagine you had a hell of a time. The story was sweet, a crowd favorite no doubt, but now I can't stop rhyming and it's freaking me out. :)

(the only excellent I gave this time, I loved the story as well as the rhyme)

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

This could be a great animated musical.

Loved the twist at the end -the witch being the narrator- and there’s a great underlying message here.

No major complaints. I would only suggest to tighten up the narration in the first page, since the narrator repeats some information that it’s already being shown visually.

Excellent from me. Hope you place.

Michael Rome (Level 4)

The rhyming in the dialogue was a lot of fun...just like the old 'fairy tales'. The twist at the end was excellent, and unexpected. Would make a cool animated short.

I would like to see the dialogue, and description tightened-up and trimmed a bit. An example of trimming dialogue would be taking: RUMPLETUZ "I can't! I'm slipping! This terrible luck!" and changing to: "Rumpletuz shouts back... RUMPLETUZ I'm slipping." The line "This is terrible luck." is telling rather than showing. Using exclamation marks three times in a row makes them somewhat meaningless. In my opinion it is better to lead in with description.

Overall, a creative and interesting story.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

I love the sing-songy nursery rhymn tone of this piece. I rated it excellent for family fun and entertainment.

the excessive use of adjectives and adverbs made the score drop, i.e. imploringly, unknowingly, impishly, etc.

I was intrigued with suspense to see how Witch would help Rumpletuz fly.

and, the ending delivered with surprise and a solid wrap-up.

one note I must make is the long action description in the middle of page five. My comment is that the paragraph is way too long. I'm sure you did it to meet the five-page limit, but this paragraph needs to be split out so the whole page plays out in one minute on the screen. then, your five-page short would have spilled onto page six.

professional screenwriters would not use V.O. to describe what is happening on the screen. maybe the age group you intend this for relate to this method of storytelling. and, it works in that respect.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Cute story. I liked the rhyming, very Seussian. I was going to suggest the V.O. narration seemed extraneous, until the twist at the end.

Rhyming seemed inconsistent, though I caught on after awhile that some lines rhymed with the lines of other characters. Action text is very bulky, suggest breaking it up into shorter bits - readers will skip over chunky text to the next line of dialogue. Characters are underdeveloped. It's not clear why Rumpletuz is afraid to fly, or why Jaspa helps him.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I really like the poem. With an illustrator and some clever formatting you'd have a good children's book. You should also consider embedding the action totally into the poem and having a stand alone poem because that would be good also.

As a script your format and style are not ideal. Also the poem lets you down near the end. All of the last lines seem forced and you should try again to see if you can nail your "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!" finish!

There is a way to put Enters into the text of dialog and it is specifically useful for an example like this where the dialog has a rhythm. The actor and also the reader would than be able to follow along with this better.

After you have named the fairy woman you should avoid referring to her as the woman again.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Very Good!

A nice fairy tale in exactly the tone of how I pictured this assignment. This is something a family with even the youngest kids can watch together.

Classic story structure.

Great job! :-)

Ron Blizzard (Level 0)

Not bad, once you get used to the rhyming. Seems more like a kid's story book than a script, but it ended strong.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

aww so cute, I liked this, I see it as an animated film, just because of the content, it would be fun to see this. Kids would like it. It reminds me of one of those Aesops Fables.

The rhyming was clever, I think with a quick work of it, you could make the rhythym a little better. At times my brain wanted a word to rhyme and the meter was off.

The story was cute and I am sure that kids would really like it.

Well done.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

The story was very cute and fairy talish. I did enjoy it.

Right out of the gate I was confused. I was trying to find the set up in the description and there was none. Then I realised that it was over BLACK. What I did find as the story went along was possibly too much V.O. I understand it was a fairy tale and a narrator is usually involved. It just seemed a little much for me.

Throughout, I enjoyed the rhyming verse. That was nice and it worked well. More of this and less V.O. would be welcomed in my eyes.

Near the end, seems you were rushing to fit 5 plus pages into just 5. There was a huge block of description. It made my eyes glaze over and just slammed on the brakes for pace. You may want to go back and figure out what needs to be and eliminate some that does not need be in that monster paragraph.

Over all, good story. With some simple editing it would be great.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I was liking this, quite a bit. The ryhming dialogue was a little hit and miss. In parts it fit well and had a kind of musical feel but it got a little awkward in patches too. I think choosing to do that was brave but maybe you need to work on it a little more to keep it in rhythm.

I don't know what you were doing on page 5? A block of 14 lines of action? That kind of spoiled it for me and affects the score I'll give you. The scene is fine but you really need to rewrite it...ahhhh, just worked out why. Exactly 5 pages? That's the only way it fitted. Fair play, but you still can't really do that.

I liked the underlying message that the magic is inside of you and no-one needs a magic potion to do what they want to do. That was kinda sweet and you did well to make that message not too corny.

All in all, a really good idea, well written (except for that cheeky last page lol), so I say VERY GOOD.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Poetic even though I'm no fan of VO, the use of verse was enchanting. Lovely little fairy tale, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I have only a couple minor suggestions:

The narrator/witch are the same from page one, I would make that clear for the reader or call the voice "old woman" who we can see is really the witch at the end.

There are a couple spots where the exposition is a large blob of text, break up this action into bite-sized visual chunks would make for an easier read.

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

A clever idea. I think it starts off great, but then for me personally the rhyming started to irritate and perhaps even restricted the possibilities.

The descriptive writing whilst good I feel could be broken up a bit into shorter paragraphs. It makes it look a lighter read.

I know my younger kids would love this especially and so it works great in the genre.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I thought it was a pretty good story. The rhyming and pacing was really good and didn't feel forced. I thought the names you came up with for your characters were pretty original, too. And you did a good job giving it that old-time fairy tale feel. I thought the story was a little contrived, though. The witch made Jaspa get caught on the nail? She planned all of that stuff? It seemed a little bit of a stretch for me and felt forced. Maybe I'm thinking too much about it, but honestly I just didn't buy into the witch/narrator angle at all.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

This would certainly be a crowd pleaser for families. The only concern I have with the writing is that there are a few moments where you show us what's happening and then the narrator tells us what is happening. Figure out a way to smooth that element out and this would be perfect. Fun poetic narration throughout. Your writing skills make up for a story that's not terribly original.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I wanted to like this more than I did. It wasn't bad, but it bored me a bit. I thought the ending where the Narrator was the Witch was the best part of the tale -- along with more ways than one to teach a fairy to fly.

Outside of that, I wanted something a bit more original in the first 4 pages. It went along as I thought.

Comments Made After the Contest

Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 12:05 AM

Oh my Gosh, this was so good! I am stunned.
Please do something with this, take it to another contest or something. I loved it!

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 12:10 AM

Michael,

I honestly thought you would win this time!

I loved this one.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2008 12:12 AM

Add me to the list of those that loved this.

This was so well done. Easily my favorite script you have written to date.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 12:45 AM

I adored this. The only excellent I gave.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 10:28 AM

Excellent from me as well, Michael. I thought this was gonna place.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 6:38 PM

Thanks for the support, guys and girls. And thanks to everyone for the comments. I wanted to create a fairytale, sort of storybook, feel to this one and I think I achieved that. The Dr. Seuss aspect is just a side-effect of the rhyming, though I did love his books when I was a kid - I don't really think this has that much in common with them.

I figured this would be a bit sugary for some people and that the rhyming would get on other's nerves. So no surprise there.

One thing that did confuse me was that some people said some of the dialogue did not rhyme (None gave examples). I'm very certain that the dialogue is composed of couplets and that it always rhymes. I guess Bill Bryson was correct when he said, "Rhyming in English is a no win situation".

As to if some of the rhymes are forced, well in something that's narrative and this size I think it's unavoidable to have to coerce a rhyme or two. And I'm pretty sure I didn't abuse that privilege.

There is one comment about a forced rhyme that I would like to address and that is the rhyme concerning wolf pup. The story is told by the witch, in her eyes the wolf (her pet) is a pup (you can see this at the end). To the fairies it might as well be a full grown wolf, it still seems as threatening to them. It's just differing POVs.

Thanks again for the comments everyone.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 9:58 PM

Michael, this was in my top two. I really, really would like to see you do something with this. My daughter is 9 and she loves fairies. I am sure this would be right on point!