Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

This was cute. Not terribly original premise, the talking dog and cat-- though I do applaud the decision to not make them mortal enemies, but rather like brother and sister. That's good. I liked the notion, but think you might try and work some more humor and antics in.. it's a fun, light-hearted piece, but I think maybe a bit too much time is spent on the door opening sequence.. that is good.. but a few more of those would spice the whole story up.

Adam Grage (Level 4)

This piece is nice and was easy to follow. The bit with the dog trying to get the lock undone was too long. I was also confused why the cat was worried about the toy or getting through the door when she didn't seem to have any problem with it in the end.

I would find some better conflict for the story as it didn't muster much with me. You can make this a smater piece just because it's for kids doesnt meant it can't have any real conflict in it.

Still a cute piece.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Nice story. Lovely characters. I just think the scene about the door game could be shortened a bit more.
Good luck.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I liked the characters and I like their dilemma...but this script just doesn't feel complete. They're only just getting started...we need to see them at Dusty's Doghouse, and there just wasn't enough room to get all that done in 5 pages. The story doesn't come to a satisfying conclusion.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Seemed to me that, apart from them trying to open the door, not a whole lot happens. Try to think of names for 'Cat' and 'Dog'. The attempt to see Poochie gets lost, I almost forget that was the main goal, perhaps trim down the attempt on them getting the door open. And good idea letting us know its an animation movie, makes it easier for us to picture everything.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

I really want to see some names here, CAT and DOG doesn't work for me and is kind of irritating to read over and over. Even using "he" and "she" sometimes instead of dog and cat would make it easier to read.

Too many parenthetical's. That very first one (remains still) is completely unnecessary.

The whole scene of dog failing to open the lock drags on too long. The point could have been made in half the space and left room for another joke.

The ending makes it feel like this is one scene ripped from something longer.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written pretty well, but I don't think the animal ages were neccesary since the average human can't tell by looking how old a pet is. The comment the dog made about 3 being the minimum age would have sufficed to let us know that he was older than 3 and the cat was younger. The story itself was okay. All the elements of were there, but the story was so trivial it was hard to get in to. Will he unlock the door? Will he get to go dancing? What happens if he doesn't? Why should the reader or viewer care if the dog gets to go dancing when the alternative seems to be just waiting at home for his owners to return? That's not such a terrible fate. I'm not trying to sound cold, just honest. There needs to be more at stake. There wasn't enough on the line to make the plight of the characters an interesting one.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

A jolly tale - reminiscent of 'Tom and Jerry' - nicely drawn. I enjoyed it - but not so much the scene with the cat's ball, where I felt the whole thing dipped.

I thought the ending - the very last bit - was weak. I think maybe the scene with the door-handle could have been trimmed to allow you more space to expand this.

One or two technicalities:

(remains still) - this parenthetical was unnecessary. Avoid them when you can. Reading on, you use them a lot. The mood of the speaker should be obvious without these, from the dialogue or the actions.

"Each step Dog makes towards the door puts Cat in a position
to reevaluate her desire for the ball." - this can't be seen on screen, it's internal, so shouldn't be in the script.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This started out very good, really liked the animation, could see the dog and cat, they seemed real.

Seems to me like it ran out of gas though. It started so strong, then a good chunk was used on opening the door, then retrieving the ball, that could have been used for adventures outside of the house.

I think if you cut those long sections back and get creative about their trip to Dusty's (which we never see despite the title - need to get there!) that you'd really have a great little short here.

Hoping you choose to go for it, like what you have so far.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

The scene at the door is awesome. I love the interplay between cat and dog.

However, the whole story sort of feels like a scene. I think it needs to have more of a traditional beginning, middle, and end. As it is now, it ends a bit too abruptly.

Still the writing is very good and I love the characters. Well done.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This seemed like more like a long set-up and payoff for one joke than a story.

Too wooden. "Cat does this" "Dog does that". I was waiting for something more to happen.

The dialogue was sparse and well done.

Thanks.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I enjoyed the romp and the relationship but there was such a build up about Dusty's Doghouse that I really felt like we missed out on not being able to go there and see it.

Maybe less time spent getting out of the house and more drama in the dog house would be cool for the rewrite.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I don't see why you parenthesize the animals' ages when we find out in the dialouge, minor thing.
Abounding activity is vauge, I don't see it.
I think the dog should give a look of some sort to show that the cat's game registers with him. I don't think any of my above critique is anything more than nitpicking. After all it's an animated short, and I suppose certain liberties can be taken.

The script was over with before I knew it, and I'm like, Okay, what happens next? It was five pages of set-up, you could shorten it up and at least get them to Dusty's Doghouse - - that is the title and all we know is they are going there. I thought it would be about Dusty's Doghouse. Perhaps a different title.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

Adorable, and full of suspense and very "realistic" conflict. I loved the kitty not being able to leave the ball under the couch! How fun. Each character had its own voice, short term goals and overall agenda! I'm giving this one an excellent!

Joanna Messineo (Level 3)

Hi, I'm 10 and I thought this was great. I liked how they needed each other to leave and enter the house. You had a good story; and the details gave me a nice visual.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Simple humor simply told. Lots of action and a good “Cat & Dog” cartoon. At the end I have to question the dialogue where the Cat says; “Alright. Not sure how you’ll get in, though.(?)” I didn’t get it at first; I had to read it a couple of times. Maybe I’m dense, but the line lead me to believe that it meant getting into Rusty’s Doghouse. Yah, I know the Cat was telling the Dog, about getting back into the house with the deadbolt. It is key to your story and the audience won’t have the time to figure it out. It’s easy to fix.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Very clever. I liked how the ball gets stuck under the couch, and the intellectual Cat can't resist the idea of getting at it, even though she knows it will allow Dog to get out and away from her. I also liked how she so easily tricked Dog into taking her along when she caught up with him. A couple of stylish things could tighten up the script:

"And, it registers -- the game she’s been playing, the fact she can open the lock, the only way out is with her help." is a segment that could be eliminated entirely.

He looks up at Cat.

DOG
Guess you’re my way out.

Reads much stronger, don't you think?

I think this is a cute idea for a animated short and would be interested to see it developed into something longer. I hope this one places this month.

Kirk White (Level 5)

very cute and clever! I really enjoyed...although I wish the dog had triumphed as I hate cats!

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Decent story, could be an interesting cartoon.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Well written and fun. I like that it's animated. It fits the parameters set in every way. This would be a fun PIXAR short. Nice.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was funny. The best part IMO was cat. So funny how the cat calmly watches the dog try to open the door, the dry comments were very funny. BUT...the ending was flat for me. I loved it till the last half page. Just seemed like it fizzled. IMO it needed to end with the same tone as the rest of the story.

Your writing was very good. A couple things could be trimmed like: You don't need this - "the game she’s been playing, the fact she can open the lock, the only way out is with her help." - you did a really good job in the narrative and dialog so here you're just over explaining.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked the friendly rivalry between the Cat and the Dog, as it was a reversal on their stereotypical roles. It does seem slightly similar to a horrible movie I saw called Cats and Dogs (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0239395/). I thought how easily the Cat was distracted was accurate to a real cat's behavior without losing the personification of the animals too much. However, I found myself wanting to know more about the Dog's final destination, and would be interested to see how it would continue. As a result, I felt as if the main issue hadn't been resolved completely, but otherwise it was quite entertaining.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Enjoyable read.

It’s quite funny how the cat teases the dog when he can’t get the door open.

I liked what the sense of tension you were trying to build in the scene when the cat moves closer to the toy as the dog moves closer to the door.

But I think that rolling the ball under the couch, gave the dog much more leverage than it should have. A ball under the couch didn’t seem like such a big deal; I didn’t get why the cat cared about this so much. And the cat was able to leave the house by herself after all...

Yet I enjoyed reading this one.

Good job.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was cute. I liked your personification of cat and dog. The biggest issue I had with this was that it seemed like an introduction to something much longer. Rather than completion it left me with the feeling of more to come.

Michael Rome (Level 4)

Didn't know if I would enjoy a script for animation, but you did a wonderful job. Excellent description and dialogue.

One part of the description would not really transfer to film "He looks up at the cat. And it registers--the game she's been playing, the fact she can open the lock, the only way out is with her help." Would be better to somehow describe from the dog's expressions or actions that 'it registers'. Heck, it's animation, you could even say a light bulb appears over his head :)

My preferance would have been to end it when the dog gets out the door. The last scene felt a little rushed. Also, don't think you need the (CONTINOUS). It is assumed it is continous from scene to scene, unless indicated otherwise.

Wonderful job.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Cute premise of the secret lives of dogs and cats. Format seems solid, no major typos or other errors noted.

Too many parentheticals; leave something for the actors (the first thing actors do with a new script is cross out all the parentheticals anyway). Use word choices to set the desired tone. Confused by the ending; how will Dog get in where? The Doghouse? Sequence of Dog trying to open the door goes on a bit too long - I was ready to move on to the next development about half a page before we got there. Action text should describe only what we see on the screen itself, not what characters are feeling or thinking.

Paul Young (Level 3)

Cute and classic duo between cat and dog. Lots of conflict and snappy dialog make this an easy read. The ending is great... very good!

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This starts off good. I like the decision to go for a animation and to use the cat/dog thing. I also like the element of them being happy that everyone else has gone away so they can do so also. Unfortunately it goes downhill from there. The story does not hang together well and seems to bog down into quite slow progress. Also having opted for an animation part of the challenge is to use that specific medium by devising visual tricks that animated characters can do that are unusual (e.g. having their face go the shape of a frying pan when one of them gets hit!).

So the dog's friend/girlfriend/boyfriend Poochie gets a name but the cat and the dog do not? You should give them names.

If a page is a minute you have just under a minute and a half out of five with the dog jumping at the door and being taunted by the cat. This might work if there was more variation in how he attempts it but as it stands it goes on too long.

The thing about the ball or the door didn't really work for me because it seems to be a false choice and the thing that is at stake seems insignificant.

The end is also illogical because regardless of what happened at the house the cat always had the option of following the dog so it does not seem like outsmarting the dog for the cat to follow.

The line "Alright. Not sure how you’ll get in, though." is confusing because it is not instantly clear if they mean the place they are going or their home. Obviously they mean their home but they way it is written opens up the other possibility.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I liked your story. I thought it was cute with the Cat and the Dog. That's classic conflict of personalities. My only gripe would be the Dog going to a dance club. Nothing really wrong with it and don't take me wrong, I did not mark the script down because of it. It just felt like it took away some of the "family movie" feel. Maybe the Dog should have gone to the World Frisbee Catching tournament instead or something like that...

Still, good stuff!

Good luck with it. :-)

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Haha, pretty funny story. I was going to say you don't need the age of the animals in the script, but then it made more sense as I read on.

I like how it works out in the end for the cat.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

Why force animation upon us? And giving ages to the animals seems a bit absurd -- despite the regulations cited later. "No cats allowed" makes a lot more sense. And it seems that giving them actual names would be more appropriate -- "Cat" and "Dog" are quite bland, giving us nothing to pin our imagination on.

The central conflict here was not really engaging for me, I'm afraid, and the conclusion a bit too dry and pat. For announcing at the outset that this is to be animated, there was really no zany action that demanded that medium.

Perhaps if the animals had gotten out sooner through some secret exit, unencumbered by the mechanics of the lock (the bulk of your story), and we had actually gotten to see "Dusty's Doghouse", even for a moment, the story might have had a better payoff.

Ron Blizzard (Level 0)

Well formatted, well paced -- but the story was basically the dog and cat getting out the door. I see why "Cat (2)" and "Dog (3)" was used, but that is jarring when reading a story. Age is used in description to give a picture -- what's the difference in appearance between a 2,3,4,5,6 year-old cat? And the first line about ignoring "abounding activity" doesn't tell you anything. Something, somewhere (a lot of something, somewhere) is happening, but we don't have a clue what it is. You should either describe the activity or leave out the allusion to it. It's just distracting the way it is.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Oh this was so delightful. I just loved the imagery. It starts off strong and doesn't lag at all. There's such a fun feel to this.

It would make an awesome short animated film. I gave it an excellent.

Well done!!!

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

The message here, cats are smarter than dogs. For an animation, it was alright for me. No real conflict, just some frustration on the dogs part. I thought maybe the dog and cat would fight, now that might have made it better -- ahh, funnier.

In the opening description, I believe you could tighten the description. You write, "A CAT (2); mixed-breed, mostly-white; sits by the front door." Now I am aware that this is an animation and you were giving specific details about the animals, yet I don't think you need to do that. I would try it like this, " A CAT lounges at the front door." Later in the script you tell us how old the cat is so you don't need to elude to it up front.

Overall, it was good for me.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I liked this, it was well written. That whole 'What do the pets get up to when noone is around?' is a question I remember pondering over when I was a kid -- I can see children enjoying the script (film).

The problem I had with it is that there isn't enough identity to the two characters. With an animated short you have absolute freedom and I would have liked to have really felt for the cat -- feeling sorry for him that he wasn't being allowed to join in the fun. That would have meant a better pay off when he actually gets his own way.

As it is, I didn't really feel anything for the dog or cat and therefore didn't enjoy this to the extent I think I could have.

If you look at the top animated films, the character development is the main reason something succeeds or fails. Look at Ratatouille for example, there's a real desire from him to be a chef and you end up feeling exactly what he feels. I could name alot of other such films and the same would be true, just naming that one as it's more recent.

Nice idea, but I felt the character development let you down.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Nice premise and fun story, a bit too cute for my taste. Nice relationship between the little doggy and kitty, just like children. I didn't like the parens in the dialog used to convey direction, it was unnecessary. I also felt this could be much shorter/tigther, say edit down to 3 pages & quicken up the pace, it took too long for anything to happen.

Not much did happen, so it could use more action. The piece was also ripe for some physical comedy besides the bit with the door. When the humans left the building, I guess I half expected a dog/cat fight or house party to trash the place.

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

My first cartoon today. It works very well and you're willing the dog on. It does work well as a short cartoon.

There's some nice humour in there. The writing style seems to work. I've never seen a cartoon script so assume format wise all is ok.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Not a big fan of the title since we never actually see the place. This doesn't seem to come across as a complete story, instead it has a very long intro feeling. It's hard for me to root for either the dog or cat because I don't know what's at stake. What is so great about Dusty's Doghouse that if the dog doesn't get there, I'll be disappointed? It comes across as cute, but far from compelling.

Comments Made After the Contest

Neal Barringer (Level 0) ~ 8/1/2008 6:08 PM

alot of you assumed right = this is the opening sequence for a feature-length film.
the main tension of the feature will be "brother taking responsibility for sister's safety." for this contest, I only had five pages and wanted to test the "getting the door open" gag. I liked the pace of it. in fact, I want to expand the attempts. Now, maybe I won't.

as writers, our work is judged by choices. I wanted to end with an image of Dusty's Doghouse over the horizon. after a few consultations, I went with the image I submitted here.

my other choice = Dusty's Doghouse is a dance club. I think it will be entertaining. It is in my mind's eye, anyway. my challenge is putting the entertainment on the page.

during the outloud, verbal read-through, the Cat's line, "Don't know how you're getting in." was more convincing than the words on the page. You had to be there to hear it said. sorry.

and, naming the characters = I'll come up with something before the final draft. I just wanted to get this out there and get reactions to the sequence.

thank you all for your comments. I appreciate your honest feedback.

To Pia:
I love your suggestion where the Dog's challenge is to escape so he can compete in the World Frisbee Catching tournmanet. I never thought of that tension. I might use it, if that's okay?