Comments Made During the Contest

Ali Barr (Level 4)

An interesting adaptation. I like that you felt free to change it up a little and yet borrowed from Poe's haunting feeling of "Nevermore."

Everything looked clean and correct. I didn't notice typos, etc. and your story flowed along well without distractions except that I didn't think of SPACE SHIP right off.

I was thinking ocean ship and had to go back. A good solid story.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I think you could have made things clearly for the reader from the beginning. You start with INT. SHIP, which could mean a ship-ship...in your case, it meant a spaceship, so why not say so from the beginning? Otherwise, your making the reader work too hard to understand you, and might cause that same reader to feel he/she needs to go back to the beginning to see if the new information changes anything.

Although I know the language of Poe is something everyone wants to incorporate, I found this piece of dialogue too heavy: "Something has broken loose from the
bulkhead. That’s it, nothing more."

I think you give the actor more to play by saying nothing than to make him try to say this very expository line. Same with this segment:

EDGAR
How is this possible?
Edgar edges closer and reads the message.
THE RAVEN
(on the monitor)
Nevermore.
EDGAR
What is happening?
Again it appears.
THE RAVEN
(on the monitor)
Nevermore.
EDGAR
Am I dreaming?

I think it's far creepier to have the actor work in silence than to make him say lines that he could do far better with just actions and facial expressions. In this case, I think, less is definitely more.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Very creative take on a familiar tale. No formatting problems, entertaining story. Nice work.

Briant Weylin (Level 2)

The Raven is an adaptation of the poem by Edgar Allen Poe

Your story is very original and was a pleasure to read.

A couple of observations:
The first line borders pretty heavy on the "telling too much, not showing enough" scale. I want to see a description of how he appears weak, wary, and full of sorrow. Also, its standard film convention to introduce the exterior before the interior so the viewer understands where he/she is seeing. Even though your second slug line says "space" (I assumed this to mean sky) I spent most of your script reading the setting as a boat as oppose to a space ship...you might consider clarifying that in your first slug line. I felt the interaction between Edgar and the computer when it first begins to communicate with him is inappropriate. I would think (personally) that if I were upset, and my wife had just recently died in the ship, that the ship may be my wife trying to communicate with me (as fantastic as that may sound, it seems more plausible than the ship just up and being conscious). If that were so, then I believe his reaction to its communication would have been starkly different. Try to avoid using flashbacks to tell your story...if you feel the information is necessary, you may consider starting your script earlier in the story. If you'd like to discuss this or another piece in further detail, feel free to email me.
Good luck and keep writing
B~

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

My first thought was of Whedon's 'Serenity'. A space vibe in your short was a nice twist.
Also the Nevermore was nice as well.

Other than these cool touches..What is this story really about? These two died but i really didn't care that they did. There was nothing in here that made me want to care. I think with some added pages you could expand on who these people were. How the ship was there. What crashed into them. Something beside two unknown people dying.

Good job though.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

It was a brave move to set this in space, but at first reading I thought it was a ship - in the sea, not space - so was very confused by the shortage of oxygen.

While I thought the storyline was clever, I didn't like the way Edgar talked to himself. It sounded forced and unnatural.

I just didn't get enough of the sense of fear and desperation and descent into madness that would have given it a real Poe feel.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Very nice work.

Love how you modernized the story, brought it to space and made it your own. Just enough Poe here to qualify.

Your writing is strong and your set-up effective.

I thought the end was awesome, could see it on the screen.

The jump from her waking him up to her death seemed a bit rushed, would she have poison on board? Might be effective for him to get to the airlock as she opens the outside door and expires or something a bit less Shakespearian.

Still, great job, really enjoyed this one. Could do well.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

(Note: My comments are probably more subjective than objective.) Original adaptation. Nice pacing. Really enjoyed the story.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I thought this was very good. I'm not a huge fan of sci-fi, but I really enjoyed reading this one! Your descriptions presented a vivid picture of Edgar's and Eleanor's dilemma. I really felt Edgar's pain after Eleanor took her own life to save his.

Poe's theme was well represented here! Very good!

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I like this adaptation the best so far. There were parts where it doesn't feel like I'm in a spaceship though.

Kirk White (Level 5)

a satisfying and very highly stylized adaptation. Awesome choice of having the raven be a computer glitch. I think it's odd that most of the script adapted from poems name their lead characters Edgar...

I enjoyed this and am giving a very good.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

I'm a sucker for SF, so points on for that. An interesting adaptation. My only real critique is try to avoid adverbs- "briefly" "quickly."

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I was hoping for "The Raven" to show up, and I loved this adaptation. I'd like to see a longer version. The only technical criticism I have is that you should have been more explicit on what and where the ship was in the beginning. When you're thinking edgar Allen you're not thinking outerspace. Nice work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I had to read this twice. i liked it once I understood it. Eleanor gives up her life to save Edgar. But was he haunted by the ship or was it his imagination? That question along with a couple other confusing parts are why I had to read it twice. Some things got answered on the second read, some not.

The writing was good, the story just left me a little confused. i do like this idea for the adaptation.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Cool sci-fi setting and nice way of delivering the “nevermore” message through the ship.

Liked the “oxygen only for one” scenario. Great dilemma. Seen it before (“Sunshine” comes to mind) but powerful conflict nonetheless.

No complaints. Very well done.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was by far the best I've read yet. Well done. I loved how you took the mood along with you in space.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Awesome. Great interpretation of what is possibly the most well-known of Poe's works. When I think of adaptations of THE RAVEN the first one that always comes to mind is THE SIMPSONS Halloween spoof, but you did a good job of getting out from beneath the shadow of that and forging your own direction with this. I loved the re-working of the raven and the need for Eleanor's death--the latter in particular was clear when we realize that there is only enough O2 for one of them. Finally, this wasn't overly-laden with details, you kept it to the core of the story, so it made for an easy enjoyable read. One of the best I've seen this month so far!

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

not sure what to say about this. I am reviewing the scripts without knowing Poe's original work. I expect the writer to convey Poe's themes and symbolism. You've written an interesting variation. I'm not sure it is Poe's original symbolism, though.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I really like this interpretation. It's very clever and it feels like you have really captured the essence of the poem. Of "The Raven"'s entered I'd say this is the best.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I have absolutely nothing to add to this as far as suggestions to improve it goes!

I really liked it!

Nice good writing that kept me interested throughout. My vote right now id VERY GOOD, but I might come back before the end of the month to bump it up.

Ron Blizzard (Level 0)

I liked the play on words and the pace and flow were good. Thought the ending was a little weak and I didn't quite get the monitor saying "Nevermore," -- it didn't seem to fit anything. But still, a lot of strong points in the story.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was really well done, and a very original adaptation. I think you kept the essence of the story but changed enough to put your own stamp on it.

Very nicely done - my first EXCELLENT.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I thought the writing was great. I thought your take on the poem was very creative. The descriptions were written well and the pacing was smooth. Your spacing seemed off at the end of scenes, you may want to check that. (Very Good)

Steve Dexheimer (Level 4)

Love the idea of putting this in space. You did a great job with the descriptions, creating that dark and dank atmosphere. And the dynamic of having only enough oxygen for one person was a nice touch. My only gripe would be the dialogue - a little too on the nose. But other than that a solid script.
Good luck!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I loved this from the moment I realized it was sci-fi. A haunted space ship, a tale of grief and suicide... well, it's simply brilliant! Methinks this is a winner, and the best of the two Raven entries I've read so far.

Taylor Roberts (Level 2)

I love how you placed the story on a ship, driving home the alienation set in through the poem. The flashbacks were an interesting touch too, but I felt that they worked beautifully. The only criticism that I have is perhaps giving a date or a description of time where your story takes place. At first I was thinking something back in pirate days or the Spanish Armada, and it wasn't until the end that I realized it was in space. This may have been intentional, but if it is ever made into a short film (and I hope it is), I'm sure this won't be an issue. Stellar work.

Tim Noonan (Level 1)

I enjoyed all the references. You made a touching point in just a few pages.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I think this is an interesting take on The Raven. Having said that, I feel the flashbacks start too soon. I want more mystery from this script, and having Eleanor appear that early ends the mystery for me. Some of dialogue needs to be a bit more "subtexty", not so mechanical.

Moving from Eleanor to the screen is very good.

William Coleman (Level 5)

As a script, I like this one very much; but I am not sure that it is an "adaptation." Instead, it strikes me as a riff, an invention on the word "Nevermore." Your have strong images even though they seem to come from "2001" and "Alien." To me, this is not Poe even though it has its eerie moments. As a script on its own legs, I think this is Very Good, as an adaptation from Poe, Poor.

When it comes to rating your script, I have very mixed feelings. You are a talented and inventive writer who knows films and borrows images and effects from them.

Comments Made After the Contest

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 7/1/2008 12:03 AM

Fantastic!

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2008 12:05 AM

Great job Chris. This was one of my favourites this month.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2008 12:16 AM

I can't wait to read it now that I have read some of the comments.
;-)

Ali Barr (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2008 12:24 AM

Great job Chris. Thanks for all you do to help us improve our craft. This is a great example to emulate.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2008 12:48 AM

Look out Matias! Chris is on fire this month!


Congrats!! One of my favorites.

Elias Farnum (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2008 12:49 AM

Kudos!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 7/1/2008 4:47 AM

Congratulations!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 7/1/2008 7:31 AM

All right, now you're legit boss, first place finish on MP.com. Great work, only wish that when he opened the airlock he saw a toaster flying by.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2008 7:49 AM

Congratulations Chris!!

This was my favorite this month!!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 7/1/2008 9:13 AM

Thank you all very much for the wonderful feedback and the congratulations.

It seems like I lost a few people with the opening. Oddly, that was kind of intentional. I wanted to start on a closeup, a man reading by a flickering light. He turns and looks out the porthole and on the reverse shot, we realize we are in space. Clearly though, I mucked it up, and left a few too many confused and thinking the story was taking place at sea. Oh well, lesson learned.

I am a big sci-fi fan and I definitely found inspiration in films like 2001 and Firefly/Serenity.

Lastly, I'm sure this will come as no surprise but this script was written while listening to Holst's "The Planets" over and over again.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2008 9:17 AM

Poe and sci-fi... can't go wrong with that mix. Gave this one an Excellent.

Well deserved this, congrats!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2008 9:21 AM

congrats Chris
Sorry I didn't get to read this before the competition ended, I will read it this evening and leave comments.

I was going to review the rest of the scripts yesterday and my Comcast went on the fritz!!! grrr

congrats again, well deservered!!

Jane Beckwith (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2008 9:53 AM

Hi Chris:

A very successful and inventive adaptation. Usually, I don't like people speaking to themselves, but when they are nervous/anxious - I buy it. The visuals had a lot of psychological impact. Congratulations!

Elias Farnum (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2008 10:56 AM

Now this is the way to make an adaptation that is far away from the original, if you know what I mean. Again, kudos. I may have learned more from this months challenge than any of the others, thanks Chris.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2008 10:44 PM

Hi Chris
I read this, and loved it. I can see why it won first place. Just everything was spot on. Beautiful work.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4) ~ 7/18/2008 4:52 PM

Whoa, this was amazing - what a cool adaptation. I hope you film it, using CGI or miniatures for the exteriors? (does anyone use miniatures anymore?)

Paolo Tinari (Level 3) ~ 7/25/2008 7:43 AM

You are very good. Precise, sharp, deep, elegant.

Justin Miller (Level 1) ~ 9/1/2008 9:41 PM

Awesome story and great imagery. I think it'd be something pretty neat to see in animation.

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 9/12/2008 7:45 PM

The Raven is a personal favorite of mine. I have written an adaption to it also, but I did not know about the moviepoet website back in may, else I would have entered it. However, Its nowhere near as original and well executed as this one. Well done man!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2009 6:10 PM

Wow, Chris. Very simple, very chilling, very despairing. You captured the essence of the Poe poetry, that's for sure. I absolutely am in love with the final shot, the Raven tumbling away into nothingness, still probably spouting its "Nevermore" mantra. Ooo. Goosepimples. Good stuff.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4) ~ 5/27/2009 10:43 PM

Very good. The flashbacks were haunting and that voice. Awe man. "Nevermore." You've outdone yourself.

Hitaish Sharma (Level 2) ~ 9/17/2010 4:07 PM

Awesome interpretation of Poe's poem. Would be great to actually get made into a short film. Nothing like the Infinity of the cosmos to indicate isolation and loneliness.