Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I enjoyed this piece though I knew Echelon would not find Eldorado either. His vanity is presented well, but he has a good heart because he prtects the meessanger from the arrow barrage at the beginning.

The only thing that didn't work was the line--

'If a Cobra could talk, it would sound pretty much like:'

It took me out of the piece for a moment--if you want the sound of a cobra just say it sounds like a cobra. Better to remain out of the piece otherwise it starts to sound like an editorial comment to the reader.

Still an enjoyable piece.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Good job at putting this together so visually. You've created a very real and shadowy world, so much that I think I recognize you by your style. We will see if I am right. Just a couple things that stopped my reading although small:

A knight has a sword protruding out his back should be shoved backwards to skewer the second guy, not forwards. I had to stop and think, forward but it protrudes from the back?

Also you mention pulling THE arrow out of his shoulder (P. 2) but we never heard about him getting shot so for clarity, I would say AN arrow. I went back to see where I had missed him getting hit. I thought he was under the shield safe.


Few can fork out this kind of money for a short. Now that you have the story, you can expand it all the way to the epic feature film it begs to be, or at least a 30 minute?

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Hi,
What an amazing script. Every thing was great. I really want to see this story as a featured movie. If something like this happens my favorite quote will be "He shall travel the world till it seems too small for him.".
Is there any thing I wish it was better than you did. I will find you some if you insist.
The dialogue was almost one-sided. I wish we could hear Echelon a bit more, asking other people about The Eldorado may be. writing his own book. Something a bit different than hearing Wisehart along the script.
The ending was a bit disappointing to me. I know Echelon will never find The Eldorado, but you could give us the same meaning in a different way than being disappeared in the mist. The problem is I don't know how would this (better ending) be. I am just telling you that I didn't feel satisfied about it.
Although I've only read four scripts till know, I am pretty sure this is going to be the wining script.
Good luck

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

It was a very inventive take on a short poem. Good job creating the entire story.

It became rather talky for me, starting with the scene between Echelon and Wisehart. I think your action segments were much stronger than those that were mostly dialogue.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Very visual script. Nice job. Minor typo I noticed was "lighting" where I'm sure you wanted "lightning" but overall this was a very well done script. Nice work.

Briant Weylin (Level 2)

Eldorado is a script based on the poem by Edgar Allen Poe

Very interesting story, there were a number of enjoyable dynamics and the dialog was good (though could use sharpening).

Here are a couple of things I observed:
There were a number of lines that were difficult to visualize:

A sword pierces a knight. Who’s shoved forwards. Till the
sword protruding out of his back impales another knight.

I envision, if the sword is protruding out his back (he was impaled from the front) then he must be pushed backward, not forward...?

Although this piece makes for a fine story, it unfortunately relies far too heavily to VO to portray its plot. Great for a book, not so much for a five minute film. Ask yourself, does your piece retain its merit without the voice over? If not, then I highly recommend giving this a once over to incorporate more of the story in visuals rather than VO. If you want further advice on it, feel free to email me.

Good luck and keep writing,
B~

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was great - I wasn't sure about the use of V/O but on reflection, I think it worked. A good and Poe-like recreation of a Poe peom.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This had moments of greatness. Loved the opening scene (though maybe just a bit too novelish in some of the descriptions). What a great battle scene. But then a guy rides up and expects to get our hero away from the thick of battle (although I realize it's been raging for generations), just doesn't seem too realistic.

Love his bravado. Love how he blows off the "fallen" knight.
The scene with him shooting the falcon in front of the moon was just great.

Really enjoyed this one, you handled it very well. Lots of others chose this one this month, so you have some competition here.

Very nice job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Eldorado is a wonderful poem and it was a treat to read three different adaptations.

I loved your version. It was dramatic, haunting, and filled with wonderful visuals. The idea to have one knight tell the story of the other was inspired. You truly captured the poetry of Poe.

Excellent.

Colin Garland (Level 2)

Very good job.

I think you stayed true to the message and theme of the original work, which I admire. You also made it very action packed and interesting. However, it did feel like the five page limit was forced. This clearly could have been a longer piece, and I think that would have made it better.

Still, not really your fault. Keep up the good work

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

(Note: My comments are probably more subjective than objective.) Smoothly told, but the protagonist didn't seem real. I didn't feel anything for him.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This was well written and enjoyable to read. I liked the setting and your use of imagery thought the script. You did a great job of getting my attention with the opening battle scene and kept it right though the end. I thought your adaptation was right on as I imagined a similar setting when reading Poe's work.

Overall, I give this a Very Good! Nice job.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

There are a quite a few entries with this title, I like the way you ramp it up. My critiques have been lean so I am going to nitpick. I still think this is very good though.

"A sword pierces a knight. Who’s shoved forwards. Till the sword protruding out of his back impales another knight."

I see what has happened, but it seems a tad convoluted, and could be one complete sentence with no break. A sword pierces a knight clear through and impales another knight behind him. (I actually see the first knight falling backwards into the other one.)

"... shoulder pierced by an arrow, sweeps the unseen horizon with his knifelike stare.
I would end the sentence at arrow then continue with.. He sweeps the unseen(?) horizon with a knifelike stare.

As knights finish off their dying opponents on the ground and the sound of clashing steel slowly dies. The word as (whatever part of speech it is) has me waiting for something more to happen - drop it and the sentence is fine.

As a shadow covers him. (again same thing) A shadow covers him, and the rest of the army. (should be one sentence)

An army starts forming behind him. Using words like starts, begins - - they either do or don't. His army lines up in rows behind him.

Sunset is shown in the action and doesn't need to be in the slugline. Day would be fine.

I liked the use of the VO.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I love it. Well done. Really breathing life into this GREAT short poem. I think you captured Echelon's arrogance perfectly...there, but not such that we don't cheer for him. Ditto with Wisehart's broken soul and wisdom. Excellent.

Kirk White (Level 5)

a solid retelling. I think you could cut out the battlefield stuff since your story is Echelon's search for el dorado. I'd challenge you to do less with narration and really show us the obsession and madness with images and trust that we don't need all of it spelled out for us.

giving a good.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Good visuals, solid storytelling.

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

I thought this captured the spirit of the poem very well. I like the old man handing off his quest to the younger man and "watching" him follow the same path with VO. The description are a little wordy and not very grammatical, which always distracts me from the story. But that could be polished in a rewrite. The actual structure is sound.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This would make a really good full length film with little more than some psychological fleshing out. Very nice work with a few minor tech flaws that relly don't matter in the long run.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

And till this day some men spend their whole lives searching for treasure. What a waste of time!

This was a good story. I liked the end. I assume Echelon will pass on his travel book to someone else.

The writing was very good and easy to read.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Well done. I enjoyed your writing style and I thought you captured the imagery and the story quite well in the 5 pages allowed.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

not sure this one did justice to the original. I mean, you've got people literally talking to shadows.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I like the style of the writing. It seems in keeping with a tale about knights. Your approach to the story works although it is very heavy on narration and it does seem odd that Wisehart apparently gave up the quest. Actually the most interesting element of your story goes unanswered, how did Wisehart give up the all consuming quest?

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This is a little difficult for me to judge since I'm not familiar with Poe's work, but critiqing it as a story on its own, I really liked it. I thought the writing itself was well done. The story and its ending was good. I don't have much to offer here as far as improvements go.

My vote: VERY GOOD

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

This one is super. It takes what is essentially a very simple poem and adds so many new layers that the author has created a piece that they can call their own. For me, this one is really in the spirit of the competition for this month.

Fantastic imagery throughout -- the arrows darkening the sun -- the twins -- and the montage as Echelon ages. However, with the retinal veins morphing into the thorns -- well, you might be trying a bit too hard for something clever there. I cannot even imagine how that one would work.

But the spirit of the poem is fully intact, and every addition by the author to the original source material only makes the telling stronger. This is one of only a few I gave top marks in this challenge.

Ron Blizzard (Level 0)

Echelon came across too much like a cartoon character. Almost like Dudley Do-Right. I'd try to make him a little more three dimensional. I like the shadow splitting off -- kind of a cool effect. Format and pacing was good.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This was an ambitious and well achieved adaptation of the poem.

The images are vivid and haunting and you capture the essence of never achieving the goal.

My only problem is Wisehart's VO throughout the whole piece started adding a bit too much exposition to the events unfolding. It has a mythic quality but makes this seem like the opening to a much longer piece.

Trimming that VO can make this seem like a complete piece on its own.

Like the myth within a myth that you added by mentioning Fiendrick having found the city.

Love your style.

Keep writing.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This one is probably the best I've read so far. Excellent mood and atmosphere set-up. It was quite heavilly reliant on voice over but I felt it worked. You seemed to capture the whole message of 'The dream is alive as long as you seek it.'

Small errors such as Echelon's shadow should have been capitalized and a couple of other very small grammar problems. VERY GOOD.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Good action in the set-up, the pale twins were very creepy as was everything else in the Tavern scene was nicely done (the bit about the "voices of a hundred snakes" was the high point in this tale).

I'm not a fan of VO so some of that made me cringe. The Queen's voice could have been left out and the mission could have been at her command, assigned by the old knight. This would also solve the problem of their dialog seemed stilted and a trifel banal (ie, the cliche "not the kind who gives up" and "not the kind I used to be" is not strong or inspiring stuff). The Wisehart picks up the narration and drones on telling me the story rather than connecting me with the knight's quest in any emotional or compelling way.

And sorry but I loathe MONTAGE and see it as a substitute for well developed characters, this time lapse was not doing much to draw me into the quest.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Very well executed -- on all levels. Excellent pace, imagery and action. I don't care for that much V.O., but it works well with the script.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I seem to be running into a sequence of screenplays adapted from short poems, and yours is one of them. First, I liked its sense of period in your visual descriptions. Your period dialog is a little uneven, but passable. Proportionately, I think the set-up is a little too long. The poem is about the quest nd plunges right into it. I wish you had done that, too.

I have been having trouble with Chris's use of the word "adaptation." This, like most of the scripts based on poems is a riff and an extension rather than a "adaptation." The problem with adapting a short poem is that there is a mood, an impression, scant detail - not enough for a developed plot. On the other hand adapting a story means one has to cram a lot of plot into five pages. That is this month's dilemma.

The important thing is that I like your script a lot. You may not have slearly "adapted" the poem, but you caught the spirit of Poe.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 7/1/2008 12:28 AM

I loved this and I am completely not surprised this was yours.

Brilliant as always.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 7/1/2008 7:36 AM

Another fine piece of work from the south. This had to be close to the top this month. Love reading your stuff.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 7/1/2008 8:57 AM

"Adaptation of Edgar Alan Poe's poem."

I do think your logline might need a little work. :)

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2008 9:24 AM

Thanks everyone for the constructive criticism about the script.

And thanks for the destructive criticism about the logline. :)

Excellent challenge, it was so much fun to write my first adaptation.