Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I really enjoyed this piece with the symmetry between the scenes connected by similar images and sounds. I was a bit confused by the introduction of Theodore and the shootout because I had thought the Toddler was Cowboy but in the end I'm guessing it's Theodore.

Still one of the best pieces here and great use of music to fill the void of dialogue. Loved it.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

This was really two different stories that never came together. You introduced a toddler that loves guitar music then we went to Theodore. I guess the toddler is the cowboy as a kid but it seems irrelevent backstory for Theodore's story. I recommend looking closely at pages, 1, 3, and 5 as beginning, middle, end and make sure everything else pulls us through the story. It was too much for such a short script. The cowboy story would be good alone as well as Theodore's story alone. I like your style, just work on structure.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Not much to add here...well done! As far as the first page goes, I found myself wondering if the baby was Theodore, or if the baby was the cowboy, now grown up. Or is it neither. I think the connection must be made more obvious somehow.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I could sense that the story was probably decent, but this script was very eratic and hard to follow. If the script is not in chronological order, the reader has to be informed of that in some manner. Overall, I just felt confused by this script. We've got a kid borrowing a guitar from a mariachi player, Cowboy, then Maestro getting shot, Theodore pulling a machine gun out of his sax case, Theodore getting whacked by Maestro for messing up and then Cowboy and Theodore walking away into the sunset. I just didn't get what was supposed to be happening at all and it has everything to do with the fact that this story was not streamlined for clarity and the chronology skips around with warning.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was excellent. I loved the different musical genres within it and the way one image morphed into the next. Great work. It will make a masterly audio and visual piece.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Simply phenomenal transitions (I wish more people would pay attention to them).

Fantastic use of music and great story.

My only complaint (and it's minor) I had to read this twice to feel like I understood it all (what was real and what was fantasy). But, it was definitely worth a second read.

Very well done.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I can't help but think that Theodore is dreaming here. I needed to read this several times to make sense of it all.

I thought the premise was good and the basic story charming, however, it was hard to follow. I also couldn't understand what the first scene had to do with the story, except the transition into the second scene where the cowboy slaps his guitar.

Not much else to say on this.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Fun. Images-Music-Images-Music. The transitions between set pieces catch your attention and maybe I cheated a bit and read ahead to see how the next transition would unfold. I had to force myself to stop and actually read all the lines.

I like the way this works. No dialog, of course, but the actions describe emotions, thoughts, interactions.

A director will have to lay out the filming carefully and a good Script Supervisor will be absolutely necessary, but this is a doable script. A little intense, a viewer has to pay attention to catch a lot of the connections, but someone simply watching and letting the sounds and sights wash over them would have fun too.

I’m probably too picky on active verb use but I do wish for one more edit to eliminate the ing verbs. Rework sentences with ing verbs and see if the story doesn’t click along just a little faster and smoother.

Thanks for something a little different. Different but also good. Actually, very good.

Donna Malies (Level 2)

Sorry but this one, as I read the script, I could not picture it.

Ed Zaleski (Level 2)

The archetypes used are mechanical, whereas the options for the arcs of each character are too indefinite to allow a director to pin down this project.

On a positive note, the overall flavor of the piece is wonderful and rich, if a bit on the violent side. Music should, in this reviewer's opinion, never be settled with violence else it will allow plot complications to spiral out of control...looking perhaps too distantly from this 5-page precis.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Some good action and visuals, but the story didn't make much sense to me. Tough challenge this month.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I kept thinking this: I bet this would be great if I could actually hear the music he's talking about. I think it's really hard to write a great script that relies on a soundtrack to inject passion into it.

Other than the first scene seeming a little disjointed from the rest of the script, I enjoyed the scenes you set up...but it just seemed a little like watching MTV with the sound turned down: entertaining, but not particularly fulfilling. Now if I saw this short on a screen WITH music? Another story, I'll bet.

Harriet Barbir (Level 0)

Nice visual links, if just a little overdone, perhaps?

Kirk White (Level 5)

Loved it. Loved it. Loved it! Loved it!!!!! This should win!

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Good script, interesting story.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I liked this very much, but you do need to work on your presentation. Write and rewrite. Proof- read. You're creating an entity, a work of art, something to be looked at by other people. You're hoping to affect those people in some way. Make it shine in form as well as in content.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I had to read this twice and still couldn't grasp what was going on here. I could tell you had a good idea going on but none of it tied together. I'll be very surprised if that's not the consensus of most of the reviewers.

Your opening scene had me very interested, but then I got confused with the next scene. Was cowboy supposed to be the toddler from the previous scene? If so, you should have said SUPER: 20 YEARS LATER.

Then didn't cowboy get killed? How did he show up again at the end? Was it a dream? It just wasn't clear.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Excellent.

I particularly liked the transitions which were quite clever and would look awesome on screen. I hope to see this produced someday.

I’m guessing that this story could confuse some readers since it’s a bit heavy on symbolism.

The premise is not mind blowing, but the execution’s style is.

Thanks for the read.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I struggled to follow along with this one. The graphic matches and apparent symoblism of things like the black glove I found over-took the story here. It seemed to have a very serious tone, but that seemed to shift abruptly when he got him by the stone rebounding off the glass (which was almost farcical), making the tone somewhat inconsistent over-all...

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

I think this film needs a stronger indicator of which scenes are fantasy and which are real-time. The pronoun "he" was overused and confused the read.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

There is probably something clever going on in this but I didn't understand it. I think it would be better without the opening scene. As a straight in the present Theodore and the piano versus the Cowboy and his guitar for the attentions of the audience this could be good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

MMmmm I really liked this. There's some great transitions from one scene to another, that really work for me. This is a favorite this month.

good job!

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

I enjoyed the opening of the script. Eventually, I lost interest as their seemed to be no real plot. Or if I missed it, it wasn't very strong. On the flip side, the story did have some good line through and could even be humorous if shot in that vain. I did hope for some type of character arc and did not find the arc.

My suggestion would be to strengthen the plot and create more of a character arc that is obvious. And I would lose this piece of description or rewrite it "his band-aid throbbing". I have never seen a band-aid throb.

Over all, it was good.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Really liked this story, probably the best one I've read so far.

Especially liked your transition between scenes. I think that fitted with the humour you were going for.

EXCELLENT from me.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Sorry, too many characters & scene transitions - plus a montage to boot - all made this such a bumpy ride so I wasn't able to connect with the characters. Who is this about? From Mozart to Great Balls Of Fire - soooo much crammed into a short didn't make a lot of sense for me. What exactly is this about?

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

Really well written and nice basic descriptive action that is easy to follow. Unfortunately I lost the general idea someway through it and didn’t understand the overall story.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I will read this again. There is too much going on for me to adequately give comments. It feels like some sort of daydream that is not very clear.

William Coleman (Level 5)

A flamboyant, cinematic collection of images. I loved the montage. It had zip and wit while keeping your story moving. The contrasts between instruments, the growing of your characters kept things working. My only qualification is that you might have been a little more selective in editing all those images so that added clarity to your overall story. I loved the touches of wit. Everyone so far has been so sober-sided.

Comments Made After the Contest

Audrey Webb (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2008 12:02 AM

I really enjoyed your script, and am quite shocked that it didn't place in the top 3. It was the best, in my opinion, and the only one this month that I scored as excellent.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2008 12:18 AM

Thanks Audrey. :)

This script was originally meant to have a third character, a violin playing female hippy and dialog.

Should re-write it.

KIRK: Love you man. Thanks for the "loved its."

The resta of youse guys.

Aw shucks! Thanks for the reviews and appreciate all the feedback.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/1/2008 5:20 AM

Why this didn't win I'll never know! Excellent Rusty.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2008 11:07 AM

Excellent. Loved this one, man. Looking forward to read more of your work.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2008 1:18 PM

Wonderful story. One of your best and one of my favorites this month.

I'm not surprised this script brought out such strong reactions. I just wish more people loved it like me.