Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

I really like this one. Clever, fun to read, a good story, good descriptions, great dialog, you've got it all. Thanks for a fun read. Your screenplay should start with "FADE IN" and end with "FADE OUT" or something similar.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

This is a fun script...you really nailed the character of the hormonal teenaged boy.

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

I liked it. Nice writing and good characters, but I didn't like the story. It was all too one note when it came to the drama. The stakes were too low, I thought. Find a way to have high stakes. Maybe the two boys placed a bet? That would add to the overall conflict level.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Cute story. Great scenes with the boys getting exciting about girls. And good job creating the downstairs area where the two are hanging out.

Bobby Kegley (Level 2)

I loved this, especially the excellent phone conversation between the two friends.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

Wow, I can almost remember being 13, and I think you got it just right. Fun little story. The joke could have gotten old, but you hit all the right spots without going too far. Good dialogue. Some of the action lines, while fun to read, don't really describe things that can be seen.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was cute in a John Hughes sort of way. I thought it was well written, the characters were colorful and well defined and in general, very well done.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

lmao the interaction with trev and boz..
Is she gonna give you some?!!?
...some snapple.

Sadly the ending didn't work for me. I wanted to see something go full circle. This just seems full of cute lines but no overall story.
I think with some more thought into it this could be quite good. Good luck.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Liked this a lot. It raced along, had me engaged and was funny and cute and believable. The characters really came alive. Good job!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This is well written, but seems so improbable that it is distracting. The time line of the kid calling his friend to tell him he has a girlfriend - then they had sex - then they broke up because she's messing around, is like 3 minutes, max. I think his friend would be laughing at him.

Your characters and set up are good, think the rest of the story needs a bit of work. Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was very good.

Trevor is a great character and I kind of dug his stylized dialogue. Nice tight story and arc. The use of the split screen was perfect.

A very fun read, my favorite moment was the exchange about "apricots".

Lastly, great title.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Funny story.... not bad.

I just have a comment on your action/description lines. I'd be careful on what you put in them. For example after Angie offers Trevor a snapple you write, "True love strikes". That's fine, but how could you film that? Another example is when you write, "Trevor’s entire universe implodes in an instant.", again, how would you film something like that? The only reason that I mention this is that brought to my attention by one of my screenwriting instructors at the Gotham Writers Workshop. Just nitpicking here.

Still a good story.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Ah yes, the goofiness of young love. Or maybe smitten is more like it. Seduced, loved, dumped all within a couple of minute’s time. Who hasn’t experienced that, especially at an age when any microsecond of apparent care from the opposite sex sets hormones raging?

I like the story. It doesn’t flow as well as I might want but it does move. The phone calls to the best friend is a nice hook. It works.

Simple, terse (I probably overuse that term) and efficient, the script is a good example of how to write about what we will soon see on a screen.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Very good. Having a nine year old, and just on the verge of all that drama, this seemed very real and believeable to me. Very cute. Well written.

The only thing is the split scene direction you gave it. I have read to leave the direction to the directors. But yours did work.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

Trevor's fantasy relationship was very entertaining. I don't know if we needed his friend to be dealing in porn. Takes some of the fun away. Maybe a celebrity mag would make the same point about how inaccessible women are to these two? When I read this, I visualized the whole flick.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Great script. I had a good chuckle. Great dialog between Boz and Trevor. I'd love to see more of this kind of thing.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was really cute. They dialog between Trevor and Boz was the best part. Good, clean writing style. I zipped right through and enjoyed it. :)

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I really liked this one. Great dialogue and description. You tied everything together nicely. No complaints. The best one I've read so far this month.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Definitely a few laughs in here. I love the way Trevor misinterprets and plays up what is going on between him and Angie. You've got some good description, along the lines of "True love strikes" and "Trevor's entire universe implodes in an instant". I think you might get some people screaming about how those lines can't be filmed in and of themselves, but I think they go a long way to capturing what you're after and I can't definitely picture it in my own head. What 13-year old is listening to Tom Waits!? :) Good work.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Good visual story. For the most part, the dialog was pretty good. There was some dialog that didn't ring true. "i'm going to listen to some tom waits" -- I don't think anyone has EVER said that! Especially someone that has an ipod. Isn't he from the 80s? Also, I'm not sure an 18 year old girl would be too familiar with video game details such as "marsh demons".

I think you're on to something with this setting. You could really make something filmable with this. I would put some kind of twist into the story.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This was a great character study and the dialog's between Trevor and Boz sounded natural and had smooth slang/inflection. Great job.

The pacing however seems a bit rushed in places. Trevor trying to act suave, Angie's kiss, the snapple bit gets affected by the conversation that you show in split screen.

I don't know if you really need the split screen as I imagined the scenes cutting back and forth, even with your technique mentioned.

I also thought of the phone call beeing live through the whole episode and Boz somehow overhears the whole thing. That would be a much cooler effect and will improve the pacing.

A re-write will make this quite good.

Keep writing.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Loved it from start to finish!! Well done.

Not much to say, but bravo. I think this will be a hot contender to win or place this month.

Really great fun, totally dawg!

Stefan Haynes (Level 2)

Extremely easy to read, flowing dialog, well-executed. The story was far from compelling though, I'm afraid, thus making the overall impact far more sour than it should be.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Had some fun moments, I especially liked the physical comedy with the towel & Snapple.

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

BRAVO! It made me laugh. I could easily see the characters (they live with me!) and the dialogue was right on. Great!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

A wonderful and fun read. Tall tales and puppy love -- a nice combination. Great snapshot of youth.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This was really good. I actually laughed out loud a couple of times. I wanted to make a constructive criticism, but the only thing I could come up with is, what 13-year-old kid even knows who Tom Waits is? Good job.
WD

Comments Made After the Contest

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 5/1/2008 12:58 AM

I really thought this one would place this time. I loved it.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 5/1/2008 8:55 AM

Great script. You have a wonderful sense of humor and this was so much fun. This film is ripe for filming and I hope it happens soon.

Ali Barr (Level 4) ~ 5/15/2008 1:31 AM

I didn't get through all the scripts to comment. I really liked this one. It pulled me right in and it all unfolded in my mind's eye. Great job!

Taylor Fiscalini (Level 0) ~ 5/10/2011 9:55 PM

I really liked this, it was light hearted and I really enjoyed reading it, great job!