Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

Very sick and twisted but you did a good job with the story. You built the story up, were stingy (and I mean that in a good way) with exposition and you built the suspense throughout the screenplay. An unexpected ending too, very good.

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

this could use another pass, but massively creepy. I liked the notion-- there was a touch too much exposition maybe.. but it's tough to convey it otherwise I suppose. I liked how awful the villain was and you never see him. I also like the end.. did not see it coming.

couple typos.. take another pass, but very nice.

Adam Grage (Level 4)

This was a hard one to read but I liked it intially. I think the dialogue needs some work though it is abit wooden in spots and doesnt always fel like kids talking. The ending was an unexpected twist. Good job.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Gross but good. I didn't fully get it until the second read. Something needs to jump out a little stronger. I knew something was wrong with the licking of blood but I just saw them as disturbed victims at the beginning.

All the talk about rules made me focus on them so much that I was trying to do the math and figure it out at the end so the first time around I didn't get why they jumped him. I thought they were trying to teach him the rules.

So that is the only inconsistency. If they are that hungry, why tell him anything? I guess it just makes for a good twist ending. Somehow I wasn't fully taken in though.

You definitely achieved dark and disturbing. It drew me in. I wanted to solve it and never expected the end result. Good surprise ending.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Yours is next to last of all the scripts I've reviewed (I'll have read all of them), and it's kinda creepy how everyone's views of teenagers are coming through...sex, violence, drugs, crime...wow! We all have such a dark view!

Your story is well-constructed. I don't know if this is a movie I'd like to see, but it's well-written.

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

I'm not sure what to think about this one. I really liked the characters. They're were nicely developed with great dialogue.

It seems that you broke your own rule, though, unless one of the rules is to always kill the new kid?

You say there's always three, but then Dillon's there. That's four. You don't say why they kill Dillon.

This would be a lot better if you answered a few more questions. Why they're there doesn't interest me so much as to the rules.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

During character intro's, what does 13 going on 7 mean, I've never heard that before.
Good descriptions of what the characters went through and all. Loved the ending!
But be careful about putting kids into a situation like this, you never know who you might turn off or offend.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

Nice and sick and twisted, my kind of story. It doesn't all quite work logically when you break it down, and might work better in a slightly longer version where we can learn more about the rules and get some more insight into how this has affected the kids, but I think the viewer would be too busy being disturbed by what's going on to notice it.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Cool, dark, creative story. Very well written. I wanted to know more. Very well done. Bravo.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was very chilling and suspenseful.

There were some details that I felt were unnecessary and broke the flow of the story - like Jacob going to the toilet. Why? Best to be lean and mean and put nothing in that is superfluous to the plot.

Good job though. Disturbing, and I didn't guess the ending.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Thought this was very good, interesting story and well written. It was a bit expository, and at first a bit irritating having the "story" told to us, but in the end the story made up for it.

Think you could make this better (other than with more pages) perhaps by using flashbacks, maybe a video recording on a television showing kids being taken from the room or into the adjoining room (even better without the rules where you can show the bad guy).

Anyway, working within the rules I'd say you did a very good job. Interesting read. And cool title.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love how dark this was.

At first I was worried it was just going to be more "torture porn", with violence for the sake of violence. But in the end, it was so much more dark and layered than that. The twist of the children descending upon him for food was wonderful. The atmosphere and tone you create is chilling.

Very well done.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Dark.... Very dark. Sounds like something Stephen King would come up. Not bad at building the tension, but it seemd at times to be a lot of "talking heads" and OTN dialouge, especially among kids that are frightened.

Good job.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Easy to read from beginning to end. Not the content so much, but the script moves along briskly. One is almost afraid to look away. Must read the next words.

It is interesting to read a script when eyes are as wide open as mine. Interesting take on teens.

The matter of fact dialog fits the piece well. Action lines flow easily. The most minor of changes (eliminate the ing verbs) would make me happier but because of how well everything else worked, they were less noticeable than in other scripts.

Good craft, good art. In so many ways I’d like to see this done but in so many ways I think it would be difficult to watch. Maybe not difficult to watch, maybe to think about once I have watched it.

I was almost done with all the scripts for this month and I feared nothing would really stand out. Guess that fear is gone, perhaps replaced by another.

Thank you, writer.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Was a really good read with a interesting twist. This could be fairly easy to shoot. Would be fun.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

On its own terms, well done. The chilling situation is pushed forward very effectively through dialogue, characterization and event. We have external and internal conflict and visual storytelling. The necessary exposition is handled deftly because it is delivered through an urgent need for the rules not to be broken. I hate the "how twisted is the serial killer/audience" genre, but I am giving the writing a Very Good.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Very chilling, I really became engrossed in the story, eager to see what happened next. Of course, I was very curious to see how the fact that there were four of them when there could only be three would be dealt with. My major problem with it is why should they bother explaining all of this to Dillon if he was simply going to be lunch anyway. Would have made far more sense for them to club him over the head immediately. Otherwise it was a very good script, I wish that there were more than five pages so I could find out what happens next!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Oh my God. That was AWESOME! Scored my first "Excellent". Great descriptions and amazing job conveying the atmosphere. Really good dialog. The story was scary, suspenseful and the twist at the end was just sick. Really, really EXCELLENT job.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I really hope you place this month.

Good, sick, twisted horror here. The premise is a little bit Saw-esque but it works pretty well.

I especially liked the surprise ending’s dark mood.

My only suggestion, if you choose to expand this, is make Dillon less passive (he just listens to Kelly).

Since he’s the new guy here and he’s disoriented as we are, we jump into his shoes. So it would be cool to see him more active, maybe try something to escape (even if he fails).

The ending is perfect and, for it to work, things must end as bad as they started. But still, I think the balance could at least be challenged.

Anyways, this is a very solid piece. Thanks for your contribution.

It would be a shame if you don’t place.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was creepy and atmospheric. I liked the concept and your writing. My one issue with it would be that I want to know more about what they are doing at the end. Sometimes an ambiguous ending works, sometimes it doesn't. For me this ending didn't work. Despite that, I gave this a VERY GOOD.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This was very dark... Good for you I like dark stories! :-)

Very Saw'ish IMHO, but still very good.

Not sure I have anything to add to this. I thought you did really well.

My vote: VERY GOOD

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

creepy, creepy, ew ew!! I sort of guessed about mid way that they would be feasting on poor Dillon. This really is a good, well written script. I think it there were not as much repetition about the rules etc, it would be stronger.

But it did give me a shiver.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

If I were pitching this one it would go something like this: "It's a teen horror much like Jumanji with sick adult horror overtones like Saw. Not sure a producer would buy but who knows. So the story took until page 5 to really get going. Good set up and I would love have seen more action on page 1.

Over all it was just okay for me.

Stefan Haynes (Level 2)

Disgusting without need. Ugly without purpose. You word your descriptors well. Some of the dialog was decent. But there was no purpose in the "story" except as a venue for near paedophiliac torture-porn escapism. Sick and pointless. I'd like to say something positive, something reassuring, but...

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Creepy, sick & twisted. Twilighty-zoney. Two thumbs up!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I thought it was very well written -- like an onion, peeling back a layer at a time with great pace and rhythm.

I'm not one for tales such as this, but it was a very solid entry.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I found this to be chilling. Making it more frightening is the will to survive in an impossible situation. The dialog is natural. My slight qualification is that the narrative sags a little in the middle. Perhaps a few more twists and turns there would lift the script to a strong '5'.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

Pretty good macabre set-up. Not really great dialogue, though, like what the piece calls for. Not bad overall.
WD

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 5/1/2008 12:06 AM

It takes a lot for a script to not only surprise me, but send chills up my spine and this did both. Congratulations.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 5/1/2008 12:34 AM

Well done, and many congrats!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2008 4:40 AM

This was my favorite of the month! Congratulations!

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2008 9:46 AM

This was also my favorite. I'm so glad it placed. Keep up the good work!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 5/1/2008 5:54 PM

Congrats Micah, one of the top scripts for me this month. Great imagination.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 5/1/2008 7:30 PM

Congratulations. Fine entry.

Micah Ricke (Level 4) ~ 5/6/2008 7:57 AM

I want to thank everyone for the feedback and encouragement. I really had no clue what to write, the idea popped into my head and I wrote it in about 3 hours. I've never seen SAW, but I asked about it and yeah I guess it sounds rather Saw-ish after all. ...We're all canibals.

Checkout my rewrite of "The Naughty List" if you'd like.

I'm still thinking about "Take Hart". I think it just needs to be longer than 5 pages in order to do it justice.

Question Chris: Do the rewrites have to be 5 pages or less?

A few explanations regarding CANDY:

"13 going on 7" -- the character of David was 7 years old until I read the rules a bit more carefully :)

Having Jacob use the bathroom rubbed me the wrong way. It seemed natural for a guy to have to pee when he first wakes up but it does detract from the flow. I'll pull it.

I just want to state for the record that I absolutley adore children. I have 6 of my own and they think I'm the best dad in the world. :)

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 5/6/2008 9:46 AM

Micah, I will check out "The Naughty List" at some point today, but put that note in the Screenwriting forum under the Thread, "Recent Rewrites of Past Contest Scripts". You'll get a better response there. For the record, I enjoyed that script as well.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 5/6/2008 7:02 PM

I loved thins one. Sorry I forgot to congratulate you earlier.

Great job!!! :-)