Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

A good tale of revenge and what can go wrong. I don't know what Maggie's red hair has to do with the story unless you're tring to show ethnicity. If that's the case, you should say it. What I don't get is why Maggie takes it so much more personally than the twins. Does she have a crush on Josh? Was she discriminated against because of some reason? Your screenplay should start with "FADE IN".

Ali Barr (Level 4)

This script had a good strong middle but I felt that the set up and conclusion could be more powerful. Just one little line about what Josh was cancelling? Of course it is revealed later but then the beginning seems weak because I had to wait too long to find out. Also the typo "You tool"? I think you meant fool? It through me off. Did they mean tool such as a puppet? Also "I still say we should pin on skinheads." Is there a word missing?

That threw me off before the wrap up. I did like the tough spot that Maggie was in at the end. Not a bad story. Great middle. I'd just like to see a stronger opening impact.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

That was a lot of fun! Made me want to see the party.

Mazel tov...well done!

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

It's an interesting story. I got confused with the kids, though. I like the repeating use of "Ready for the big finish?"

It was tightly written. Good dialogue and great descriptions.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

I was thinking if something else was going to happen besides them setting up to ruin the party. But when they get invited after all, great funny twist. Would have been great to see what actually happened at the party!

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

I'm reading this, thinking "what a great set up, I can't wait to see where it goes". And then it didn't go! There's no ending, no payoff. We get Maggie looking out the window feeling bad. She basically committed a hate crime, and there are no repercussions for her actions. This is a serious issue and it needs a much, much better ending than what you have here. Again, great set up, but I was hoping to see what happened when everything went wild at the party. I though we were going to get some wild comedy. Then the Nazi flag came out and I though we'd get some deep moral issue. But we didn't get either and are just left with a very weak ending that doesn't live up to the first few pages.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written pretty well but got a little confusing towards the end. The boy has to bow out of the band concert because he didn't get permission, the girls play a prank on him, then the boy changes his tune and rejoins. This all would have worked just fine if the nazi flag hadn't been used to severely darken the tone of the story. Once the characters start talking about hate crime, the tone becomes dark and gritty and then once the boy rejoins, it is back to being the playful script it started out as. I don't know... It was okay, but I couldn't really tell what genre you were going for because of the mixed tones in the script.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

MAGGIE
Word. Peace out. - I didn't understand this!

Neither did I understand the ending - why was Maggie staring out at the fishing boats?

That aside, I enjoyed this. It was refreshingly different (no zombies, no suicides, no violent shoot outs and lots of blood - for which, thank you God!) You really grasped the teenage theme. They WERE teenagers, not adults doing adult things but we are told they are only 16 years old in their descriptions.

Well done! One of my favourites!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Well written and fun. A bit on the unbelievable side, but I liked the ending with all it's regret. Think the twins would be a little more upset about what they've done as well and would not look forward to getting in that tent.
Still, good job, liked this one.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I liked this story.

I thought this was going to be much darker and I was surprised (and happy) when it wasn't.

My only concern, the prank in the middle feels a little too "big" and I wonder how believable it is.

Still, I enjoyed this and the ending was very nice.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Wow... Great example of how kids and get themselves into trouble. I was beginning to feel bad for Yasmine and Leila until they became the hunters. Interesting twist to say the least. It's hard to imagine that what appears to be 3 good friends would turn so sour over a decision that was not Josh's. That to me was sort of out of place, but I really liked the ending how you left everything up in the air for the audience to just imagine what might have taken place at the party.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I like the story. A little revenge, a little fun.

A little editing comment. It is unnecessary to say, “Maggie looks angry, fists clenched.” Simply say, “Maggie’s fists clench.” Or something similar. The clenched fists show anger so you don’t need to tell the reader she looks angry. A little detail that I think could improve the script.

I think this script certainly has possibilities. Who hasn’t wanted to do something like this? Maybe even lay in bed at night thinking, “man, I should really get back at this guy. Wouldn’t it be sweet if …” and then drift off without really doing anything.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Good story, good dialogue. Love the turn of events at the end.

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

Hehe… this kind of reminded me of The Parent Trap. I thought that the trap-setting part was enjoyable but I didn’t really get the ending. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me? I couldn’t understand why Maggie was so worried about what they did and the twins were not. Maybe it’s just something I’m overlooking. Other than that, I thought this was pretty good. :-)

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I think the theme works, but I just can't buy into the maliciousness of the act. If the boy is their friend, and they have any idea what an important occasion this is, I don't think these kids would act this way. A casual kind of sabotage maybe, but not this kind of elaborate "practical joke"/crime. I need something more about the characters' relationships to provide the motivation. Also, I would suggest more conflict within the actual scenes. The kids complain about the boy's lack of action, but they don't try to get him to do anything different. The sabotage scene is almost all high jinks and cooperation. Why does Maggie participate, hesitate, participate, and then show regret? It's all kind of unmotivated. What are Yasmin and Leila trying to accomplish? Do they want to get even with Josh, or just his grandfather? Why can't they take the disappointment of not playing? I didn't really buy the "banality of evil" bit.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

An interesting twist in the story, I was expecting to see the party-goers reaction to it all. The twins don't seem to care about Josh's reconsideration on the matter, I'd like to know more about why. I guess their feelings were just too hurt. After this I think that there's no way to tear down the fences they've all built between each other. The whoopie cushion seems like an overly mild addition to the prank, all things considered.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

My question is why would the girls trash Josh's Bar Mitzvah if it was his grandfather who was the jerk? And I have no sympathy for the twins because even though Josh's grandfather was a racist jerk and saw them as terrorists because of their nationality...they acted like terrorists by trashing the party.
The writing and dialog was pretty good, it's the story I just didn't connect with.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I liked how you introduced the main conflict in the first page. The only problem I had with it is that the “middle eastern wrongly suspected of terrorism” angle is hard to buy with 13 year old characters.

I liked how the conflict escalated at the end, when Josh tells the girls that everything’s settled. Unfortunately the story ends right there, just when the conflict got meatier.

Maybe you could trim the scene where these kids hide rotten fish (it’s almost 3 pages long), save some space, turn your ending into your mid-point and see where you take the story from there.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

This was a good story and there was evidence of some change in Josh at the end--his is, after all, growing up. I would've liked something to tip us off to the fact that Josh was Jewish from the beginning, because, as it is, it was the bottom of page 2 before I had any idea what it was he wished he could have trashed and then why they were even dumping dead fish in a party tent. You don't have to come out and say he can't perform because it's his bar mitzvah, but some clues along the way would go a long way to keeping your audience reading. Nevertheless, I think you've got the basis for something really good here.

Paul Young (Level 3)

I found it difficult to really visualize this one. The plot structure could have been improved and seemed a little disjointed. The kids may need therapy.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This was great! I loved the mischievous stuff!! and the lesson learned... You kept me entertained throughout. The dialogue was good. Don't know what else to say. I really enjoyed it.

My vote: VERY GOOD

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Good story. I was drawn into the characters and I think the twist at the end, while I really saw it coming, was okay. I think I'd have liked it better if they had not been invited to play. And to see the drama unfold. The Grandpa suddenly saying he was sorry, felt contrived. I didn't like the fact that the girls were so cruel to try and ruin the ceremony of their friend, because of his Grandpa's actions. I mean, what did they want him to do?

I do think that the idea of not knowing how it's going to turn out is good. I mean, surely Joshua will know it was them, and will he forgive them?

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

This story content did not seem to match the age of the characters. Seemed dark and without diversity. I do like characters who are different, have flaws, and don't tend to follow the typical people you find in real life and these young ones don't ring true with me. I had a hard time following the story and the intended outcome.

Your character descriptions seemed to describe the characters physical appearance rather than a deep sense of who each character is on an emotional level. In my opinion, this story calls for more emotional or flawed description of your characters. Overall, the writing was good and with more thought about why your characters are the way they are would add depth to this story.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I didn't really get this one. Wasn't very entertaining and wasn't very clear about what the story was about. Sorry

Tim Noonan (Level 1)

I had a suspicion of how it was going to play out and was eager to read on. I wasn't disappointed.

I think I get the irony of the racist grandfather being presented with a Nazi flag, but, and this could just be me, I felt the ending ambiguous - the twins seem eager, happy that they're going to get to see the reaction of everybody and Maggie seems justifiably worried - knowing that the girls don't know about the flag, I assume they're really just playful, and Maggie is pensive because of the fear of getting caught? Or does she reach some sort of self-epiphany about her own racism? I was unclear on that. But again, that's me.

Overall I found the story provocative and enjoyed reading it.

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

Good writing, fair storyline. I think the girls would have been terrified of what was going to be found after the reversal of fortune for Josh

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

For me this is a well written piece that feels part of a larger script?. It has good dialgue and good action description. It's a good idea, however it tends to lack a sense of drama or tension, albiet a few good character based scenes.For the start of the second scene you do wonder why they're setting up all these pranks, but it becomes clear how it ties in with the first scene once they take out the flag.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Not a big fan of anyone in this script. And that's a problem for me. What am I supposed to feel for any of these kids? Josh is the most likable and even he strung along his musical companions. Would he use the word Nazi to describe his grandfather?

And their reactions to Josh were to fill his religious ceremony with hateful flags and destroy his Bar Mitzvah? I can't really relate to these three girls.

It is very well written, but I have concerns about the content. I don't want to speak from personal experience because we all have different experiences -- but it was my hope that your meaning of "Hate Crime" had to do more with Josh's grandfather not allowing him to play the concert. I thought I was going to feel for all these characters and how discrimination hurts more than those being discriminated against.

The sabotage turned me off.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This was really good. I like that you seemed to use the teenager theme well. This is exactly the sort of stupid situation a lot of teenagers would get into by mistake. Good job.
WD

Comments Made After the Contest

Austin Bennett (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2008 12:08 AM

I don't agree with A. M. Wallace. Your screenplays don't have to start with FADE IN. It may look nice, but the more important question is, "What is it fading in on?"