Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

Very funny. I enjoyed this a lot. I liked how you set it all up. An entertaining "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" story. Thanks for the fun read. There are a couple of things that would make it read a little better but your story is very good. How do we know that's she's spent the better part of a day crying? Only because you told us. It's better to get rid of that since an audience would never see it. Just keep, "She looks like she spent the better part of the day crying." It's better to banish descriptions like "pathetic". It should be evident from your writing that it's pathetic, you don't need to tell us. You have typos that need to be fixed. It's better if you use the active tense of verbs instead of passive ending in "ing". The "ing" verbs slow the screenplay down.

Ali Jordan (Level 2)

I really enjoyed the humor in this script. I feel that the humor really flows in the script. While I enjoyed reading it, there seems to be a little excess information in the scene descriptions, as the movie will not contain those words. Overall, I found it very enjoyable and funny.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

What a funny SAD tale!! First off I love the comic visuals of all the kitchen shinanagins! I do think the bit where the wine ends up from the bottle to Guy's crotch could be cleaned up a bit. I had to go back and re-read it to "see" the flow of action. In general I like your action description but I think you could be more selective and trim out some sentences or even just reshape them with a bit more economy but over all very enjoyable. And maybe it is just a personal preference but I feel like the end is missing something like a button, ya know? Not sure what that is but clearly the curse of Pedro is gong to haunt Rosemary for a while so it just feels like it needs something to nail it as the end. Right now it kinda peters off...

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Was a little confused by what Minnie gives Rosemary at first. Good job with the descriptions of Rosemary, like when she's dancing and singing in the kitchen. Thought the ending went from funny to serious rather quickly. Wasn't sure if it was all supposed to be serious though. But I enjoyed it!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well this was pretty entertaining. Not a perfect script, but a fun one. Good job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I think it would read better if, once you had introduced the house as 'suburban' you then only used the room names, like kitchen, bedroom. It got very annoying to see endless 'A SUBURBAN BEDROOM' 'A SUBURBAN KITCHEN' again and again, especially when you had very short, one sentence scenes.

While parts of this were quite funny, I just didn't get the idea that she'd move to Georgia because sex toys were illegal.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Great hook, after the first page I had to see what was going to happen.
The result was a bit disappointing, just because it seemed that everything had to happen "just so" for the desired result

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was a very fun read.

Great last line in the first scene and excellent use of flashback to tell the story.

I didn't see the climax coming "no pun intended" and I thought it was very clever.

One suggestion, I wish there was a little more depth to Rosemary's character - a more realistic arc - as this is close to feeling more like a skit than a layered short film.

Colin Garland (Level 2)

I think this is a nice little script. While I don't necessarily fall for that kind of humor, I think that the sort of "audience" for this kind of script would receive it well. It seemed realistic enough, and it gets its humor from exaggerating reality (but not too much). Most of all, I liked the fact that this is very transferable to film, but doesn't require a film/acting/visuals to get the story across.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

OMG!!! That was funny...

Very well written! I was laughing for 20 minutes! Great job! Great characters! Great conflict! Great story!

I would love to see something like this come to life!

Good job...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Ira Levin rides again. Liked a lot about this script.

Opening paragraphs six lines long, however, always put me off. Especially when as a Director I see three or four camera set ups in those six lines. It implies to me that the six lines could be divided into more digestible size blocks.

I have a personal dislike for parentheticals beneath character names. They are distracting at best and unnecessary most of the time. Is it really necessary to tell the actor CARL to be (smiling) when Rosemary approaches?

The stage directionish, step-by-step movement described in the action lines can also be cut down for a better read. Pick up the pace on the action lines, that picks up the pace on the script and helps it move along.

You have Minnie’s character down quite well. Her speech patterns and pentameter match the Ira Levin character in the movie. Fun.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

This story was funny and surprising. I thought the writing was clever and very "visual".

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

Enjoyable funny story, you set it up really well. I don't really understand why she had to go to Georgia, she could have just thrown the dildo in the trash but I guess it made for a good ending with the police car. Nice effort.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was a pretty GOOD spoof of Rosemary's baby. I think it suffered from size constraints though, it could have been a bit longer. I also think you were missing one important element from this spoof and that was the satanic angle.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

This was an interesting story and you did set-up all the elements that were necessary for the pay-off at the end. I'm a little bit concerned (and think you might be also) that you needed to explain exactly what it was that made this scene so shocking (on page 5). I think if you set things up properly and clearly, then your reader will get it with out the need to draw it out again at the end. It will also be a lot more satisfying to the reader to feel that they got it with out having to have it explained to them. One other thing, there's a lot of cutting back-and-forth (and a lot of scene headings) on page 4. I would suggest formatting that sequence as a SERIES OF SHOTS (similar to a montage sequence) rather than introducing a new slug line everything. It's more economical and will be easier to read that way. I'm scoring you a GOOD.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

LOL. This was hilarious and well written.

The title is quite creative as well.

The first couple of scenes aren't really that necessary but they work for the nice resolution at the end.

Otherwise this was well written and make a funny short.

Look forward to more of the same.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Ha Ha, this was really funny. But how does she know they don't have Pedro's in Georgia? LOL.

Nicely written, well paced, funny, and the characters are all so well defined.

Good job. This is one of the better ones I've read so far.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I liked the scene where Minnie gives Rosemary the sex toy, it was cute and sincere. Fun ironic twist at the end, poor Rosemary can't get a break. The premise was also hilarious, ripe for more slapstick & gallows humor.

The story got lost in 18 scene transitions crammed into 5 pgs, lose all the establishing shots where nothing happens and add more character relationship/interaction. (ie: we really need to see a suburban home with a light on upstairs? cut right into the bedroom). Ditto all the shots of Guy coming home with mom, mom in the bathroom etc; this could be much more shocking if it were condensed - the build up intended did not create suspense, it diffused the impact of the scene where mom has the heart attack.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Poor Pedro...Funny, although I think the intro scene in the u-haul shop was unnessecary...Rosie should have planned her encounter a little better...I'd think that she would have been well aware that her mother in law would be coming soon, if not immediately...The mom's reaction to the scene was very funny...

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

I LAUGHED OUT LOUD

This was a great little concept. The plot twist at the end was perfect and unexpected. Structure was good.

The characters were just right, too. Rosemary was developed enough for us to feel sympathy for her, Guy was a jerk with just enough added information that you had to wonder if he’s a closeted gay, and his mother is deservingly snobbish. For her very brief interaction, Minnie is a hoot.

The dialogue is realistic and just revelatory enough to help the story along.

Excellent.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

Good story, well-constructed and well-written. Story didn't strike a nerve with me, for whatever reason. The "climax" scene is good and well set up, but still just left with a "yeah, it was pretty good feeling" about it. Not exactly sure why. But, i definitely think it's a good script.

Trevor Bryon (Level 3)

This was good. I don't actually have much constructive to say here. I think it was generally well-done. I can't think of anything particularly good or bad about it. A little more humor eariler on to keep the ball rolling and set up the twist some and this would be a very good.

Good.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I enjoyed this script. It was humorous.

Minnie and "Pedro" - I would rather she picked this up for Rosemary instead of having it already. I don't really care if it's used or brand new, curiosity killed the cat. Having it already then handing it over is a turn off - like wearing someone else's underwear. I don't think you purchase "Pedro" with the idea of befriending him.

Did Rosemary forget that Guy was coming with his mother? That seemed odd -- maybe they get there sooner than expected, that would allow for the scene.

Guy is an unlikable, unfeeling jerk. I don't think he needs to be very likable, but I would like him to have something that makes me care about him and his mother -- and I don't. Could he have some E.D. issue, possibly? That would add to the humor and explain him not being interested in Rosemary. "Months" is a long time in between for a healthy young couple.

Don't want to sound like I'm being picky, just wanted to share my thoughts.

Funny script that I think would be fantastic with a rewrite.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

Funny, well written, good idea. I'd love to see this made.
WD

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 4/3/2008 4:13 PM

I read the rewrite and the new twist was definitely surprising. I'm just not sure if it's stronger. It throws in a whole supernatural element and I think that messes with the whole tone of the story (which before that is very light).

I guess my question is, what is your goal with the story?

Audrey Webb (Level 5) ~ 4/3/2008 4:45 PM

Hi, Chris...yeah, I was worried that I might have mucked up the entire tone of the film. But my problem with the original was that there wasn't an ending. Hmmm...maybe I'm getting too bound up with it being a "spoof" on Rosemary's Baby, which I had never really intended in the first place.

My idea started with the concept that sex toys are evil (no, not my opinion). I had read an article about sex toys only just now being legal to sell in Texas, and I researched that in fact a lot of Southern states have banned them. So my goal was to make light of the fact that sex toys are considered this evil thing that will lead to who knows what. That lead me to thinking about Rosemary's Baby, and then it took off from there.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 4/3/2008 8:40 PM

I like the "Rosemary's Baby" type theme and think that if you keep it, you need to change the tone at the outset. I feel that the story is stronger that way, and bring in the mystery, make it more off-beat and odd. A possessed "Big Pedro" is funny, but could be mysterious as well. You can spoof it with tongue-in-cheek and still have the mystery hover above that line.

I think the new twist is stronger if the rest of the tone and mood meets that change. This could be excellent and I like the change in both direction and storyline.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 4/3/2008 10:41 PM

I totally missed the "Rosemary's Baby" thing the first time, this time it came thru loud and clear. I have to say I liked the first version better overall because it was funnier, but I did enjoy the twist about the pregnancy. This version is definitely creepier and sinister.

Audrey Webb (Level 5) ~ 4/4/2008 3:28 PM

Thanks again all. I have now thrown in a few more lines that I think steer it once again into more comedic territory and accentuate the message a little more clearly. If you're game for reading draft #3 (now uploaded), I'd greatly appreciate your comments.

Audrey Webb (Level 5) ~ 4/5/2008 5:17 PM

Make that draft #4.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5) ~ 1/10/2011 3:14 AM

I only read this draft and think it is brilliant! Love the "oh no!" feeling I get, toes curling while I feel embarrassed for the characters. I love the surprising and funny ending. I suspect you would have gotten a much higher rating on this story in this form.

This should be a movie!

Audrey Webb (Level 5) ~ 1/10/2011 11:20 AM

Thanks, Ayal! A filmmaker in Vancouver has expressed interest in making this...but he's awfully slow at getting it rolling.