Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

Definitely a downer and aberrant. This story is not my cup of tea. As far as the nuts and bolts of the screenplay itself, you should have Annette refer to Adam as her son and Adam refer to Annette as "Mom" or "Mother" or something similiar because right now only the reader will know for sure that is their relationship. A movie audience would be left to assume it. Since you mention it in your description, I surmise you want it confirmed and not assumed. There are a lot of flashbacks which slow things down. You might be better off if you combined some of them into one longer flashback or got rid of some.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Great! And the Earth will be populated with mental defectives...which means the Republicans will be in again!

Well done, even if it is completely creepy.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Disturbingly weird, but well written. I felt like the title gave away too much and caused much of the story to become predictable. I didn't really expect him to kill his mom, but I did fully anticipate that he'd be doing it with his mom and also that the child was his.

Overall, this was very original and well done, albeit warped.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I think it's a shame about the title because it gives so much away from the start.

I know this sounds ridiculous - but the name Fursterson caused me some problems. I found it a mouthful, so each time I read it (I guess I hear scripts in my head) it made me stall, and distracted me. Do you need them to have a second name? Of course, very clever with Adam and Evelyn.

BUT - this was a wonderful script. I've read 29 so far and this is easily the very best.

There was a tiny doubt in my head about the provenance of the spaghetti marinara, the wine, the luxurious kitchen and so on. I can't quite understand how that would all occur, where it could come from, bearing in mind they were lone survivors, alone for 15 years.

Excellent though.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Wow!
What an imagination. Don't think I could have written that.
How taboo.

Excellent writing. Excellent story. You hit right on the contest parameters. I was wondering what was going to happen from beginning to end and you certainly delivered. This is only the 3rd one I've read this month, but I think it will be very difficult to beat.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is excellent.

Fascinating story, great characters, wonderful use of flashback.

The only thing I don't love is the title. It feels far too simple (almost comedic) and I think you need something darker.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I think the title struck me as more of a humorous phrase than the script turned out to be. Not a criticism and it certainly didn’t affect any scoring; it’s just that my initial reaction was humor.

Now, the story is interesting. Possibly lone human survivors, surviving as well as they know how. Or how mom tells Adam (good choice of names) how they will survive. He has other curiosities.

His break from her seems stark. Not enough build up to give me a good sense of believability. Maybe for other it works but I didn’t buy it.

The action lines need a good editing to eliminate the un-active nature of their content.

Again, a good story lies behind a script that in my opinion needs some work.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

That was a lot of story for 5 pages. The memory / present usage really lost me. In the end, it became obvious what was going on. Maybe a little slow, but you ended it with a bang.

Dion Owens (Level 1)

Dialog seems to be written in the stage direction. You must only write what you can see. You can't see "Perfection". You can infer somebody's opinion about something being perfect through dialog, but that's about it. I think the story might be good, but some of the basics are ignored. The Slug Lines are little off too. Maybe you ought to look at some other scripts and maybe your mistakes might reveal themselves.

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

Well I guess this is the controversial one of the month! It was nice to be surprised with the direction the story took, It was a great way to lead into and apocalyptical kind of story and you pulled it off well. Not too sure about the incest and underage sex angle, I guess it made for some originality and with the subsequent revelation It did make more sense but I think to pull something like this off correctly you really need more than five pages, we need more emotion and and reasoning from both characters. He killed her because he realized she was more interested in the sex aspect that the procreation? Or did he kill her because he was ashamed? I am not really sure and so it was hard to really get a full grasp on what you were intending. It was well written and great exposition but really needs to be longer to work.

Jeremy Goodlander (Level 3)

Kinda errie, but cool. The whole sex with mom thing makes it errie but I understand why it's there. The dialogue is really good, so is your use of the intercuts. This feels like it could be something bigger. I wonder, did you write this for the theme or was this something you've had? Just curious.

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

I thought this was well written and a very original idea. I didn't see the ending coming, which I always like. The characters were well drawn & believable. The title is a bit of a give-away, however. Maybe something subtler so that what happens to Adam is a surprise.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Yikes. That was disturbing. LOL. Nicely written, original idea. But why did he kill his mother? You lost me there.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I liked this one. Dark and disturbing.

The dramatic progression is circular, but fitting.

My only problem was with Adam’s motivation for suddenly killing his mother. While the plot required such action to advance to its next stage, the murder seemed a little too surprising.

Besides that, everything worked fine.

Very good job.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

You picked a brave topic and genre for this months contest. Kudos for that. My main issue with this was that he killed his mother. Epic though it is, I didn't think you justified the kill well enough with the preceeding script. I think this script needs more space to come into it's full realisation. So, I'm giving you a GOOD and expect to see a rewrite.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Two words that should never appear in the same sentence. ;)
Good concept, but it took a little while for me to catch on as to exactly what was happening. I think it would have been more obvious from the get-go if you'd opened in St. Louis, perhaps with the image of the broken Gateway Arch (and that is an awesome image in my mind). This reminds me of both CHILDREN OF MEN and I AM LEGEND, but you've taken it a step further by going into a really taboo subject. I'm scoring you a VERY GOOD and I'd definitely like to see more.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Your title definitely delivers with an apt plot, no question about it.

I am just not that clear about the motivation behind the incestuous sex, especially on Annette's part. She does mention something about wars and pandemics possibly an apocalyptic event but did she then desire to have sex with a young man?

Also where do they get the provisions from, especially the pasta, wine and a modern kitchen. Would a post-cataclysmic world leave their home unscathed?

The slug "WHO KNOWS AMERICA" was also a bit distracting because you could have specified WOODS or POND and it would work.

You have an idea here that doesn't quite work in 5 pages. This seems like a set-up or preview of a much larger story in which the incest actually might take a back seat.

I don't know who the audience is supposed to empathize with in this story. Annette? But she used her son as a sex object for her selfish need which was quite well written actually.

Adam? He is just a confused kid and the closing of the film is more disturbing with him in charge of an infant of the opposite sex.

Your style is good but you could have chosen a different setting for the relationships to unfold as now I am more curious about how the event that caused the mayhem took place and why.

Keep writing.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Well the subject matter of the story is a bit too much for me. Hated the title, sorry.

The structure, pacing etc is quite good, but I just was turned off by the subject matter.

Better to become extinct. LOL

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Excellent. Well and truly warped. Twisted and complex character relationship. Well written. Hot sex. Shocking ending. Sick, sick, sick. Nicely done.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

This wasn't the most comfortable read in the world, but still good.

I think the murder is a little out of nowhere. Obviously, their relationship is a little f'ed up which can explain it, but he also could have just left without killing her. And the fact that he's open to her being right at the end leaves me to believe he would leave without killing her.

I think it could work if you show him kill her in a fit of rage or something like that.

I do like the insinuation that he'd sleep with the daughter if need be...

Trevor Bryon (Level 3)

Terrible title, but a good story.

I thought the dialog with the mother was a little contrived. Not bad, but not great. I wanted to see more inner-turmoil in the boy and a little more mental derangement in the mother.

Good story and concept. Average execution.

Good (but very, very close to a very good).

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I thought the writing was very tight and professional. Having said that, I didn't like the story. It didn't interest me and I'm not one for genocide-new-beginning stories.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Nice creep factor. Excellent dialogue between mother and son. Just proofread and fix: play-pin to play-pen and lightening to lightning. I love the short, sharp sentences and fragments, but there is a ton of it. Break it up on occasion - even Hemingway used compound sentences. I love how the ending opens up a whole area for discussion. The script is very thought provoking, so just clean it up a bit and it will be excellent.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

Sorry, just not my cup of tea. Cleanly written and attention-getting in its way, but the concept is just too creepy and implausible. Definitely a shock piece, and someone might want to make a film like this, but I just can't think I'd want to watch it.
WD

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 4/1/2008 12:18 AM

I just had to say, I loved this script. One of my two favorites this month. I thought it might turn some people off, but I think it's awesome that you went for it.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 4/1/2008 10:29 AM

Dude, this script rocked! Can't believe it didn't place.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 4/7/2008 4:40 AM

Austin - rather late in the day, but I REALLY wanted this to win. I knew the subject-matter would turn people off (and it did!) but I thought it was truly great - even better with a different title!