Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

This is a good story. The screenplay has a lot going on. In my opinion it is almost too big of a story to tell in 5 pages. It is confusing to have so many flashbacks mixed in with the present in such a short sceenplay. I had to read it twice to keep everyone straight. I think if you expanded it a bit, it would help make it clearer. Your screenplay should start with "FADE IN".

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

First I liked the setting. I didn't know anything about 'Hijrah' so I had to scamper off to Wikipedia to get a little less ignorant. I don't get some of it, and I'm sure it's a cultural thing-- is it common for hijrah to sing/dance for new babies? and when they were shooed away it caused the curse to fall upon the baby? If it's common-- that is for the singing- why were they ushered off?
Why were angry and frightened fearful of her lifting her skirt? is that the way the curse is inflicted? or they were afraid of seeing some mutilated junk?
The back story was cool, well told- but the exposition was a bit clunky when the Guru just outright explained- I know you are homeless, etc. which begs- what happened to his parents? The end is a bit anti-climatic-- she cures them not to have kids-- but they already could for all we know-- they seemed to be random strangers.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Wow, very ambitious, and a very dark script. I think it all works very well. Can't think of anything I'd suggest changing. Well done.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

A strange tale of penis dismemberment for no apparent reason. While the writing was good and the script engaging, I just didn't really get the meaning or point of this. What makes them have the ability to curse people? Why do they find the need to sever this kids unit? What's the point? They want to make more penis-less people like themselves? I didn't get it.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I had to look up the word Hijra. I think a short phrase of explanation would be helpful, because I'm sure I'm not alone, and if you don't know, the story makes no sense.

I thought it was a great story and I was moved by it. I had a bit of difficulty with the time shifts, especially this one:

WOMANS VOICE (O.S.)
Amal!
Kishori’s head snaps toward the call.
EXT. RUNDOWN HOME, INDIAN CITY - NIGHT - 8 YEARS AGO
A worried WOMAN stands outside of the doorway.

How would we know?

If that was tightened up i think this would be excellent, and it's so great to see something a bit different.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This was excellent - a great end of this month's scripts for me. Fascinating, your characters and story are engrossing.
Very well written with the exception of a couple of typos.
Loved this one, think it's definately a contender this month.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was dark and haunting.

Vivid descriptions. Great characters. Excellent dialogue (I love the last line).

About the only thing I didn't love was the title.

Overall, a compelling story. Excellent.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Just plain good. Seldom does a script have me yelling at a character "don't go down that road" but he didn't listen.

Not sure I want to see this on film. No need, it's deeply embedded in my brain.

Excellent. No doubt.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Deep. Sad story. Well written. Kept me interested the whole time.

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

I thought that this was well done. I thought the flashing from past to present was done nicely. It revealed just enough at just the right time. I had a feeling that Amal was going to turn out to be Kishori as soon as he appeared in the story. The ending seemed a little out of place. It sounded more like Kishori was sad about not being able to have children instead of being sad about her sex change. It was never revealed before that children was something she wanted, so it seemed kind of out of the blue. But overall, I thought you did a good job!

P.S. Dialog split by action needs a (CON’T) ;-)

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

That's one messed up curse, strange but well written.

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

A great piece of writing here, and nicely handled with the not so nice subject matter and all. I had no idea about the Hijra before so looked it up and read a real life account from a Hijra who went through a similar thing so respect for tackling a real life subject like this and doing it so well. It was a little confusing however with the different flashbacks and meant it was a bit of a slow read to try and understand what was going, but it was set up really well with Angry and Scared, I though that was really well done. It would have been nice to have spent a little more time on the emotions of Amal after he had woken up and discovered what had happened to him and if you rewrote and added a page or two then this maybe that is something you could add.

Jeremy Goodlander (Level 3)

Wow, this would be a visually stunning film, but the subject matter is shocking, which I think you were aiming for. This is good, it stuck with me for awhile after I read it the first time. Good job.

Karen Frank (Level 1)

Ouch!

I really enjoyed the episodes as episodes, there was a very strong atmosphere in this. I liked the moods it evoked. I think, however, that the long flashbacks made it difficult to get to know Kishori. It was such a big jump from the moment that Amal was mutilated to Kishori seemingly willingly plying her trade -- I wanted to know more about what happened in between. What was it that made her accept her new life (rather than running elsewhere, or committing suicide)?

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Wow. That was good. Sad, but good. You did a great job fitting a lot of emotion into just five pages. I like the story. It would make a great feature or a longer short. Great job.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

You either know this foreign culture or you did some good research. Kudos on that.

However, while I believe that research is often a necessary step for writing a script, it shouldn’t be a necessary step to read it.

I felt a bit lost for the most time since I couldn’t understand the cultural background which has quite a lot of incidence in this story.

A technical note: Remember that the audience can’t read the script so directions like “21 YEARS AGO” “PRESENT” “8 YEARS AGO” are lost on the page if they aren’t properly conveyed on screen as well. Perhaps you could superimpose the timeline.

I felt like you took a little too long in establishing the protagonist and the main conflict. The script seemed to jump around too much at first.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

It seems apparent that you've done your research here and I'm guessing you're familiar with the big city streets of India. If I have a complaint at all, it's that I know nothing about this world, so I was quite lost from the beginning--especially not knowing what "Hijra" was and, thus, struggling to get a picture in my mind of what was going on. Nevertheless, quite a shocking story and it really came full circle at the end. I'm scoring you a VERY GOOD.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The story is very much part of a larger piece and your script here serves as a back-story to that larger piece.

Your descriptions and visual style is very good though you can trim it up into shorter phrase to help the pacing.

I am afraid not many people will be familiar with Indian cities and the Hijdahs, who are actually transexual's.

Transexuality is looked upon as a curse in India and the transexuals and even eunuchs are ostracized severely. So, much so that they have their own living area separate from the rest of society and most are forced to prostitution to earn a livelihood.

I am from Bombay India and am familiar with it, therefore Amal's story of transforming into Kishori is haunting and well written to me. I know about the fear about transexuals cursing newly born babies or hexing other people by showing their genitals but would it work for an audience not familiar with it.

I am curious to see what the other reviewers think.

Honestly I am happy to read a script about India and the society I know about.

Keep writing.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

My first excellent this month, and I'm already half way through the scripts. Your writing skills are excellent. The story resonates. You tell an epic tale in five pages, well done!

The story is difficult to read because of the feelings. You evoke feelings and sympathy for your characters. I love the personification with Frightened and Angry. I loved this story.

It will win, I'm sure.

One little nit pick is the title. You should think of a stronger title. I'm sure you will though, once the limits of this assignments is over.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I wasn't real crazy about the story but the writing was great. I had to read this a few times to really understand it. (It was the first scene that threw me a bit) I'm pretty sure I understand what's going on now. There were just a couple of typos but nothing major. Your descriptions were written well with dialog to match. (Good)

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Dark and disturbing...Good exposition of the Hijra lifestyle and thier brutal practices.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Slug problems abound.

If you are writing this for an American audience, then you'll need to have someone go through and edit it so it sounds as if written by a native English speaker. I know, I know, that doesn't sound fair. But the reality is... it's reality.

You need to name people if they have more than one line or are critical to the story.

Some of the narrative is wordy, but I've seen worse. You use creative adjectives, which I like.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

Giving this one a "good." The twist works, but prior to that, it's a little too muddled in my opinion. Is Amal supposed to be the son of the cursed couple at the beginning? If so, I'd make that connection stronger.

I also think her/his interaction with the two potential john's could use some work. The angry one comes off a little too angry and the frightened one comes off a little to frightened, in my opinion.

But, as I said, the twist works. I think it you tweak the rest of the story around it, it will be a very good script.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Tough story. The title gives you an idea of what is happening. Sad, but well written and professional.

I don't think you need Kishori's last line.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This was great. I don't think I can even offer constructive criticism. Good tight story, moving, well written and formatted. Good job.
WD

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 4/1/2008 12:19 AM

This was one of my two favorite scripts this month. Easily my favorite of yours I have read.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 4/1/2008 1:01 AM

Michael. Never would have guessed this was yours. It felt like the author had lived in an Indian city. Fantastic work.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2008 2:39 AM

Hey thanks guys and Rusty that comments mean a lot to me.

Everyone else, what I was trying to do with this was show not teach. That is why you didn't read big explanations about the Hijra - I tried to show you. Some of the content in this script I don't even understand but I know that it happens. For instance I can only speculate why there is a great deal of fear about Hijra lifting their robes but the fear is certainly there.

The taglines with the years - damned if you do damned if you don't - it's the curse of non-linear story telling. The reader needs to know. How the director handles it is up to him/her. I don't think that visually it would need subtitles, that's why I didn't include them.

Anyway thanks for the comments.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3) ~ 4/1/2008 8:41 AM

There us no way that %8 should have given this a FAIR. Period.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 4/1/2008 9:05 AM

I loved that you "showed" this story rather than "told" it.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 4/1/2008 10:34 AM

I thought for sure this one would place. Excellent from me, great job.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 4/1/2008 1:53 PM

The lifting of the robes is meant to flash the genitals, and since most transexuals have a penis and vagina, it is their way of putting a hex on the person and hence the fear.

Like I said in my review this is modern India circa 2008 and the Hijra community is still as ostracized and their practices still continue.

If the script was based on research only, I think it was splendid in capturing the mood. Especially the train station, the pakoras frying and the cacophony of the crowds.

I have lived in India all my life and this one fooled me completely into thinking that a person residing in India wrote it.

Michael expand this and I am sure many Indian film productions wills take notice.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 4/2/2008 2:44 AM

Hey T.Joseph thanks for the vote of confidence. Some people didn't get it. Fair enough. And Charlie, hey, happy that you enjoyed it and thanks for the excellent vote.

Rusty, so that's what lifting the robes is about. I couldn't get that answer out of my Indian mates (as it was getting info about the Hijra out of them was a bit like pulling teeth) and I couldn't find that info on the internet either.

The script is based on research and chats with a couple of mates that have had first hand experience with the Hijra. I have never been to a train station or a red light district in India, but I have visited India so that did help somewhat.

I am pleased that you thought a person living in India wrote this. One of my goals was to capture this story authentically. Having you say that it fooled you is the highest compliment I could possibly expect to get for this script. Thank you.

I will think about how I can expand this.

Cheers,

Michael

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 4/3/2008 6:56 AM

Well done. I enjoyed this one as well. And to be honest, I thought it was Rustom's.

Shaheryar Ahmed (Level 3) ~ 8/27/2009 10:51 AM

Just going through some scripts... felt like reading something different... Came upon this... I guess I was not part of MP when this contest took place... So i obviously could not have voted... but if I would have voted I would have given you an excellent. Fantastic... I mean it amazes me that you have never seen India and you show us a picture based upon talks and research... I mean fantastic... I am from Pakistan... not at all different from India... and I have seen these Hijrahs and these eunuchs... and sometimes I pity them.... Amazing script!!! I'm like speechless of what you've done!