Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

You had me until the end. I think your action is very well-written and has a lot of tension. Good pacing. You kept everything moving interesting. I was definitely pulling for Randal. But, the end lost me. From the liquor store on, I don't get it, the story doesn't seem to fit with the first part. In order for a twist ending to work, there needs to be some hint that something is amiss. I realize that action often requires the suspension of some degree of logic but up until the very last part, it leads me to believe Randal is just a very unlucky guy who happens to have the same blood type as the President. Then, we find out it's personal. It doesn't work for me. You have quite a few words in dialog that are emphasized. When you over-use it, it looses its effectiveness. You don't need to emphasize the words, it should be evident from the dialog itself.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

This has a good flow through the action sequences and it is a great idea. I got lost at the liquor store though. I know this is the twist but I don't understand the connections between the guy with the gun and Randal. I don't know if he was actually shot or not. I don't understand how Randal knows this CJ. I like your story buy it is not completely clear to me. Help me understand what you know about the characters' relationships to eachother so that the end had more of a punch for me.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Very nice job. Good, fast paced, solid action script. Very enjoyable.

I gave it an EXCELLENT.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Is the Mayo Clinic, Rochester, a clue?!

It's good the way you keep the action going, the pace up, by getting Randal to do things while listen to the radio, so the scene is set, and though it is exposition, it doesn't SEEM like it.

I think this was the most actionful script I've read so far and I've read most of them now BUT try as I might, the last scene in the ambulance - couldn't see how Randal escaped, and couldn't understand who CJ was and how he knew it was Randal calling when he was using someone else's cell phone, or why Randal said he was coming for him etc.

Aside from that confusion - very well done.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This was pretty good and rather entertaining. Very cool title.

I think your writing is good and liked all the action, you managed to get a pretty good story in as well, but I had a bit of a problem believing it could ever happen.

In the opening scene the dialogue for the NEWS ANCHOR is broken up, each time you insert a direction you interrupt what the Anchor is saying so that he does not speak in complete sentences. Wouldn't it be different on the screen? We are in the room and would hear everything he says - unless it's a bad connection.

Cool title and plot, but it begins to get a little unbelievable in the van. All the minions "wishing it was their heart" the President was getting. Sounds a bit unbelievable. Then, when he tells them to unstrap him because he needs a good vein - it is obvious what is going to happen. Like one of those movies where they hit the bad guy over the head then don't finish him off or even take his weapon, everone screams at the screen, "You idiot!" That is what that scene was for me. We all can see it coming, why can't the guys in the van? Didn't the Prominant Man tell them how dangerous this guy was?

Didn't understand how, after the liquor store he just jumps out of the ambulance. Was he really shot? If not, how stupid of the men in black. If so, then how is it possible.

All-in-all, thought it was good, but would be much better if it were a bit more believable.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I enjoyed this story.

It had a great pace and I was rooting for Randal the whole time.

I did have two small issues: I was a little confused after the shootout in the grocery store and I'm not quite sure why the President needs to have someone killed to get a new heart (I would think he could get himself put at the top of the donor list).

Still, this was a very fun read.

Colin Garland (Level 2)

I did not think it was bad, but I just felt like it was trying too hard to be like a Mission Impossible in five pages. It had the classic capture, breakaway and catchy ending, but it was just too rushed (not necessarily writer's fault, just too ambitious for a five page limit).

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Nicely done. Well plotted. The liquor store sequence, for me, was the standout. But the sequence in the van and then in the ambulance felt repetitious. Also, there was a fair amount of showing rather than telling, e.g. "This is ironic, Randal J. Hart." "Lucky? That's a twisted perspective." "Granted not by choice." All of those were obvious and clear plot points that didn't require any underscoring; and, in fact, would have been more powerful by not highlighting them. Sometimes it's the things left out of a scene that makes for the greatest impact. Overall a good story arc w/plenty of action.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

A script with great potential. I think the action lines need to be tighter, less wordy. Take each sentence and see if it can be re-written with one less word. Invert the words, find a new order, make sure the verbs are active. Re-read and see if the removed word is actually missed. Then re-write again removing another word.

Good premise.

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

Wow! I loved this script!!! I thought that beginning was perfect! It worked great for setting up the story so that we can understand what is going on. The action was clear and understandable, and I loved the suspense towards the end when it looked like all hope is lost and he really is going to die this time. The only thing that I thought was a little confusing was in the very last scene when he calls up C.J. How did C.J. know that Randal was on the phone and how did they know each other? Overall, I thought this was very well done and I enjoyed it thoroughly! Great Job! ;-)

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Felt like I walked in late and left early, lol.

There was great action, but it seems there is more to this story. Why doesn't the president just go with organ tourism? Why does it have to be Randall? Is the blood type really that rare? Imo five pages wasn't enough to buy me in.

Bold sluglines unnec.

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

I was so disappointed when I got to the end of this because it started so well. It was a brilliant idea and executed really well for the first couple of pages. But I really think you crammed far far to much into 5 pages and the script ultimately failed due to that.

It went downhill as soon as he entered the shop. Where did he get shot? How badly injured was he? You did not show us, how did he go from gunshot victim who may be dead as far as we know to another escape - you never showed us! It is an action script where the biggest piece of action was behind closed doors. Strange choice to make really.

In the end it is clear that this is a short section of something much bigger, there were far too many questions left unanswered and I think that the idea of a short is no different to a feature, you should really have the story wrapped up at the end.

I only gave this a good which is a shame because on page 2 I was thinking this was going to be this months winner.

*Good

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

I really liked the premise, but was not sure about it's direction. At some point Randel turns from an ordinary guy in an extraordinary situation in to a guy who can beat up the best and walk away after getting shot. I kind of liked how he made this amazing escape only to be shot and brought right back to where he was. His final escape was to far fetched and robs the viewer of closure for the story. Better if he was to become a double hero for saving the president and killing an armed robber.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Move over Jean-Claude; Good portrayal of continual violence
Plus: interesting concept - forced heart donor; good pace
Minus: couldn't get a handle on the liquor store scene; took care of last three after shot in the chest
Good story that may have stretched credulity a little too far

Jim Montgomery (Level 3)

Cool, it really could have ended with the line "Do I need to send more men Randall?

Kirk White (Level 5)

This is a superior script. great premise. superb action. well done. Excellent.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I'm scoring you a VERY GOOD for this one. Definitely among the better scripts I've read this month. I got a clear sense of where this was going from page-1 and it was obvious the men in black weren't going to relent given how high the stakes were (the President's life was in the balance). Non-stop action throughout, which was also good, and you frequently switched things up, so it was just the same thing over-and-over again all along. I was a little confused by the ending, but after going back and reading it a couple of times, I'm guessing that Randal knows who's trying to get him and the phone call is setting up the final showdown between him and the big boss in charge of the whole operation. Good work!

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

Nice little action piece. The action lines were well done, clean and descriptive. I also liked the flow of your story and it was nearly action packed from beginning to end. The dialogue also fit nicely with your story. I was a little lost as to why Randal was kidnapped until the end. Brilliant. It was worth being kept in the dark. However, I felt a little cheated at the end but did get it.
I was a little surprised at how easily Randal was kidnapped in the beginning. Him being a seal and all, I might at least have him take out one attacker before being subdued. Otherwise, great job!Can't wait for the sequel.

Roger Pine (Level 3)

This was a very intriguing script, full of action and drama. Nicely done!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I rather liked this. The action was motivated by a particular goal, and hey, if the president wants a heart he's gonna sic the secret service on to you.

The best plot point involved the grocery store shootout and that added a momentary break without any respite from the dramatic tension. Excellent job there.

I just want Randal to do a bit more than run. Have him fashion a weapon out of something. Bandage his own wounds. Steal a vehicle at the end and go for C.J. You have shown him to be almost superhuman like Bourne, go for it.

Fantastic title.

Very well done.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Good writing. Lots of action. Good story, well executed. I have read all the scripts this month and I think this is one of the better ones. There's tons of action, but there's also a good story also.

The writing is tight and well executed. Good solid work

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Very good action packed story, kept me on the edge of my seat in suspense.

Only a few things to say. First, I love how you officially introduce us to Randall J. Hart by another character reading his drivers license. Good dialogue. Some of the CAPITALIZED words were a distraction for me. I believe caps should only be used to introduce a character. Last, you have some camera direction in the script. I would say you should eliminate that direction because this is only a spec script. if you are going to shoot it then I suppose it's aright to leave it in.

Very good script.

Steve Hanson (Level 2)

all in all, i really enjoyed this script. you did a superb job of releasing information. it started with a teaser about the president's condition... we slowly learned that Randal is some sort of professional and finally that he seems to know who is after him ("C.J.")

the car accident on page 3 felt a little out of the blue and convenient. it would have been more realistic for the driver to carefully pull over since presumably he's a professional and used to people around him being killed around him.

having randal shot by a robber was really unexpected, but very worked well in the script. i loved that twist.

a fast, engaging read!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

There was a lot that I really liked about this story. Fast-pace, good chase scene, car crash, a sympathetic protagonist, and I liked how Randal stumbles onto the robbery in progress and then used it as a ruse. It was working, even if it was no surprise at the end.

Three suggestions for improvement:

The beginning with Randal waking up and the radio stating the obvious were unnecessary. For example, the radio announces "it's 5am" yeah we see that, and the announcer is used as a crutch to introduce the premise by conveying the news about the president. Get rid of all this and just kidnap Randal while he's jogging - toss me right into the action and lose the unneeded set-up, we can learn the rest in the ambulance and dialog between the kidnappers.

CJ and the Prominent Man are the same character; pick one name/label and stick with it. Characters are identified/introduced only once if we see the face.

The action on page 4 was well written but too wordy. Voluminous blocks of text describing every blow-by-blow slowed down an otherwise fast pace. I suggest abbreviating this and chunking it up into punchier one sentence or one-two word paragraphs:

Tires squeal.

Randal bursts from the vehicle. Runs like hell.

The goons chase after him.

They fight. (see Shakespeare, this is his total TWO WORD description of the entire duel in Romeo & Juliet)

Pow! Sock! Bam!

Leave details to the fight choreographer.

Keep my eyes moving DOWN the page...

... as I rush along w/Randal.

Good job!

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

Take Hart

Very good, very exciting. I liked it.

This kept my attention and kept me wanting to see where it would conclude.

The list may look long, but these are just a few very minor items.

P3. Clarify that Randal ends up with the knife in his hand.

P3. The seventh action paragraph, “CRASH! The cab windows SHATTER; all are thrown to the wall.” Change cab to van?

P4. “The STORE OWNER lay slumped. . .” Change lay to lays.

P5. “The young woman stands sobbing over the sprawled bodies of Randal and the would-be robber.” Did you mean to write store owner? If not can you clarify how the situation evolves?

P5. “Randal stands strong and defiant. . .” After getting shot in the chest (ref. to “the bullet missed the heart.”)?

P5. If Randal is using Man in Black–5’s cell phone, how does Prominent Man know that it’s Randal calling? Could he be surprised by Randal’s voice saying “Only if. . .”?

This could easily be the basis of a very interesting longer script.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

thought this was pretty good. Kind of lost me with the end though. While I really like the idea of him waking in the ambulance to kick some ass, I think stumbling upon the robbery seemed a little too random... maybe you could have him be hit by a car or something instead?

Also, his conversation with the prominent man was out of nowhere too. It might work in a larger store where you can explore that relationship/backstory, but here it's just a tacked on thing that doesn't quite fit. Would play better if you kept it that he's just a random guy, I think.

But overall, good job.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Liked the tale and the title. Great game of cat and mouse. I wanted more from it, what that exactly is, I'm not sure -- maybe more depth of character from Randal. It felt like too much action, which is strange for an action script, but I wanted to know a tad more about Randal, he's a great character. Had a bit of a Rambo feel to it.

Comments Made After the Contest

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 3/1/2008 8:04 AM

I thought this should at least have placed. Great script!

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 3/1/2008 2:06 PM

This was pure action and had a concise goal. I loved it. Great job.