Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

Good action. Good tension and uncertainty. But, nothing really blows me away and the story didn't grab my attention. I don't get the motivation for why Steve would be so protective of The Girl, someone he apparently knows nothing about. If someone burst into an apartment with guns demanding to know where a stranger is, most people would tell them.Your screenplay should start with FADE IN. "Both around late 20s and good looking". I had a screenwriting teacher once say to never write "good looking" or similar when describing a character because everyone in movies is "good looking" unless otherwise stated.(CONT'D) goes on the same line as the character's name. You have some grammar issues and typos.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

You had good visual action, I just got a little lost in the story because you call the GIRL "the GIRL" then once you call her Rachel, and then you refer to someone named Sara without any backstory on Sara or Steve.

I think you can make this better by tightening up on your writing. Example: He is scared rather than he looks scared. Elliminate redundant words in sequential sentences. Proof read really carefully like an editor before you submit.

I know it's hard when rushing for the deadline. I accidentally went over in pages this month so my script didn't get in.

I do like your flow of action. I think it can be better with editing. Watch your typos. And sneak in another line about backstory. Who is this Sara and who is benefitting? The ending didn't pull everything together for me.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was a good read. Fast paced, clear and concise, good action. We didn't really know anything about Sarah so that twist ending didn't quite have the effect you were probably going for, but overall this script was very enjoyable. Nice work.

I gave it a VERY GOOD.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was a lively story, with plenty of action. Some things didn't make sense - who were Tony and Michael? Why, when they were saying they were protecting Steve did they treat him so roughly? The reference to Sara was so small it got lost. I think you need to have her referred to somewhere before this for the story to make sense. Maybe there's a photo of her in the apartment which The Girl sees and comments on?

Small points:
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
A trendy apartment, smartly furnished.

You don't need to tell us it's an apartment twice!

It's = It is. If you want to say 'its' meaning, belonging to it, there is no apostrophe.

BLAM, BLAM, BLAM - I always find it makes me laugh when people put in sound effects like this, which is probably not your intention.

"Tony is getting" "The old man is stood" "Steve is dragging" - better to use 'Tony gets' The old man stands' 'Steve drags'

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Sorry, but this one was just way too improbable for me to ever really get into it. The dialogue needs some work, much of it seems forced or unnatural. I don't believe the guys breaking into the apartment and not at least telling Steve what's up. And who are they? Cops? If so, why not show a badge. If not? Why are they chasing her? And they make so many dumb mistakes. And how do they beat them down to the parking lot? Doesn't make sense.
Why does she kill the old man?
And who hired her? The wife/girlfriend he's cheating on? Doesn't really add up either.

Your writing is not bad, I just had too many problems with the storyline to really enjoy it.
Best of luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I like the title a lot and this was a fun read.

However, the more I think about it, the less I believe any of it. If she was there to kill him, why didn't she just kill him? Why does Steve protect her that much, especially with a gun to his face? Why don't the two "bad guys" say why they are there? Etc.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

This one was hard to follow but I THINK I figured it out: The Girl is a hit woman hired by one of Steve's former girlfriends to kill Steve. But that begs the questions: who were Tony and Michael? Undercover cops? Friends of a former victim of the hit woman's? That part was confusing.

I thought the opening section could have been shortened and that Tony & Michael could have broken into the apt. earlier. Also, I think they would have noticed the purse more quickly.

The line by line writing was mostly well done w/a few stilted moments and some on the nose dialogue ("I knocked him over but he won't stay down for long"). Good work.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

In short scripts, it is sometimes difficult for a reader to keep character names straight. Steve, Tony and Michael are all fine names but it would help if one of them had Nagasaki as a name. I exaggerate, but the three normal sounding names do not give me any clues when two pages into the script the three similarly named guys are battling. I lose track of who has the apartment and who is the thug. Maybe your “pig ugly” description fits one of the thugs better and that character’s name – SWINE – keeps his name associated with who he is in the script. Again, that’s an exaggeration but I hope you get what I mean.

Some of the grammar errors stop the read cold and an action script should not stop during the action moments. Also, keep the pronouns straight. When “Tony stands above him looking down at his face.” I think there are questions about which “him” and “his” do you mean.

A minor thing. "Steve is already pouring two rather large glasses." Timid modifiers like "rather" do nothing for the sentence and detract from the power of the line. I'd like "rather" out of the script. I said it was a minor issue. But take the word out, re-read the sentence, and see if it is un-missed. If it is not missed, don't put it back in. Strengthen the sentence.

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

I liked your action and I especially liked that you called the girl “The Girl”. It made her so much more mysterious! There was one point where you didn’t call her The Girl though; “Rachel lifts up her gun”. It kind of came out of the blue and it only happened once, so I’m kinda thinking that this must have been a typo. There were also a few other places where typos could be fixed;
“Michael is now sat on Steve’s chest” Could be changed to “Michael sits on Steve’s chest”.
“relaxes him grip on Steve” Could be changed to “relaxes his grip on Steve”
“to check nobody is about” Maybe; “to check that nobody is about”?
“lines of vehicle(s)”
“reverses out (of) the spot”
“about 50 foot ahead” Should be “about 50 feet ahead”
“The old man is stood next the elevator door” Could be changed to “The old man stands next the elevator door”
And, “grabs Steve head” should be “grabs Steve’s head”

Also, to make the dialog sound more natural, perhaps you could shorten some words. For example; you are (you’re), you have (you’ve), she is (she’s), he is (he’s). But that’s just a suggestion. ;-D

I loved the story, there was a lot of intrigue and it was very exciting to read. I didn’t quite understand the part in the end where Steve said; “No, not Sara. She couldn’t.” Who is Sara and what did she have to do with this? I guess maybe that just wasn’t made very clear. Other than the few typos and that, I thought that this was well done!

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I liked the build up, I couldn't wait to see what the girl was about. I take it Sara was the ex wife but I'd have liked more on her story somehow, maybe extra dialogue from the girl, or some flashbacks of what he did to her. I did enjoy the action.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

We hear a name Sara at the end and we have no idea who Sara is. Like many this month, the story feels incomplete, like I missing big chunks of valuable information. By not giving the girl a name you rob her of her personality, do I really care about someone you don't care enough to give a name? Otherwise well written.

James McConnell (Level 3)

I think this story has promise. The concept is nice although for whatever reason, I guessed she was an assassin from the first page. I think the title gave it away.

A few comments:

1. Steve invited her back to his place. Is there anyway that she could invite herself back since she is there to kill him.

2. Who were the two thugs? Who sent them. It was unclear why they cared about Steve. I needed to know their motivation.

3. You have a tendancy to overwrite your action lines. Many of the paragraphs could be shortened to make for a leaner read.

4. I would watch for your typos and grammar.

5. Try and use active v passive descriptions - stands v standing, drags v dragging etc.

Here are some page by page comments that I wrote as I was reading:

Page 1

"They both act a little drunk..." could be shortened to "They are a little drunk" UNLESS one of them is pretending.

Okay, I have an idea about where this is going because of the title...

"Before Steve has time to react they charge and knock him to the floor" could be shortened to "They charge and knock Steve to the floor". Since you don't tell us that Steve reacts then we can assume he doesn't. Screeplays only include action which is absolutely necessary.

Page 2

Michael slaps Steve? Seems like a thug would punch someone instead.

Page 3

Where is Tony when Steve and the Girl leave?

How does Steve know that she is the girl that they are looking for. There was no evidence to suggest this. They could still have the wrong girl. I needs something concrete to tell me that she is definitely the girl.

Page 4

Did Tony dive out of the way? You didn't tell us until he has dialogue later on.

Page 5

She wipes her hands on his shirt - Leaving her fingerprints? If she is a professional killer then would she really do this?

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Since we learn that Sarah sent the Girl to kill Steve, shouldn't we learn who sent in Tony and Michael to rescue him? The other thing that doesn't make a whole lot of sense is that they certainly do beat him up pretty good for someone they're sent in to protect.

Kirk White (Level 5)

this is a strong one. nice action. well done

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Good job. There’s action here with a little bit of mystery thrown in the middle.

I assume the Rachel you mention in the last page was The Girl’s former name?

Calling her “The Girl” helped to build some mystery around this character. I liked that.

I’m not sure if I got the ending right. This guy’s wife or ex-wife paid the girl to take him out for money? This is The Girl’s job? She’s a contract killer?

If she is, I think you should try to make her more professional. After the kill she should wipe away her finger prints from the car for example. Doing some research on the subject will surely help you to make her character more believable.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

There are a few minor typos but they don't detract too much from the overall effect. I would have liked a bit more set-up in the beginning before the intrusion. Also, I suggest giving the girl a name.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Well done for having action throughout the entire script. There were a couple of lines that I thought should be omitted, like, "C'mon, my car's in the basement" (that pretty much lets the bad guys know where to find them). I assume 'Rachel' on page 5 is simply The Girl, but somehow didn't get switched in a re-write, yeah? When Steve mentions Sara on the last page, though, I have no idea what that's about. In my head, as I'm trying to work it out I'm thinking "Does he mean Sara, as in Sarah Connor? Is The Girl a Terminator? What?" Some clarification is needed, I think. Finally, I can even begin to count the number of scripts I've read that describe the lead male and female as being "good-looking". "Good-looking" is not an insightful attribute to assign to a character. I'm scoring you a GOOD for this.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

Very entertaining. This was a good little action piece and it had me hooked from start to finish.
I would take the time to read it through more carefully before submitting. There were quite a few gramattical errors and it appears your screenwriting software is a bit off. Are you using Word? Also, some of your action lines could have been a little better. Some were just a little cliche for me and others could be spruced up some to make it a better read. You definitely have a tight story here and I'd like to see a rewrite, maybe even another 20 pages or so for a really good short. Good effort.

Roger Pine (Level 3)

This was a good script. Messy but full of action with a nice twist at the end.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

If "The Girl" was sent to kill Steve, who sent the henchmen?

Why would they want to protect him? A hint at this backstory could help make this well rounded as the motivations of the men doesn't seem clear.

The girls's character is very well written and it has layers. The others however seem like props.

This script seems like an abbreviated version of a hit by Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. I like the fact that she is professional and has no remorse in killing the old man/witness.

The action is dealt with quite well.

Technically you were fine in spite of a few typos here and there, but none too distracting.

Very good job.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Okay okay how fast was that car going??? that's my big question.

Your story starts off action packed, with the thugs bursting in the door. And there's a sense of mystery, who is 'the girl'? What is her connection to everyone. However, I don't think you answer the question in your story.

At the end, we learn of another girl, Sara. She's the one who is behind everything? Why? It doesn't add up.

It's hard to pack action and story into a five page script, I think this was a good attempt, that started off well, but needs some extra work at the end to finish it off.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Decent story with much action. You did begin to lose me when the tires started to screech, but I suppose it wasn't over 50mph.

Throughout you had several small spelling errors that were just a tad dsitracting and you call the girl Rachel at one point. That through me for just a second.

And one last thing. In your opening description we are in an apartment based upon the slugl ine and you use it again in the description. My thought would be that you do not need to say we are in an apartment a second time.

Over all, very sweet.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I gave this a Good for the action and in spite of its many flaws because I enjoyed the ride, the characters & the twist.

Tighten this up and it might have been VG. Even though I liked how the bad guys burst in on page one, the initial shot was dumb "what a fabulous apartment" is not a strong opening line, there needs to be more hints of danger to the girl would better set up the ending.

Get rid of irrelevant dialog, for example when Michael states the obvious "... Do you realize how much danger you're in" might be turned around to "We're not the ones you should be worried about" again another hint. Or when Steve says "My car is in the basement" why say it? We see this later, and IMHO the girl may already know where he parked since she came home with him presumably in the car.

I also didn't get why the bad guys were after the girl. Maybe I missed that?

Terence Ang (Level 3)

It's weird but as I read Hit and Run, I keep picturing Jason Statham as Michael. Anyhow, too much Hitman and Transporter for me. The story unfolds well, the setup gets predictable after Michael tells Steve he's trying to save him. I would have wished Steve done something redeeming towards the end, instead of playing the unfortunate victim all the way, but yeah, there is no wrath greater than a woman scorned. I hear ya.

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

NEEDS WORK

To me, this piece seems almost as if it were lifted from a longer script as the plot is weak. We never really understand why The Girl is dangerous until the end – which would be fine – if we knew why Sara – who is Sara? - had motive to do away with Steve. Further, although the two thugs are supposed to be there to help Steve, they are apparently ready to kill him so that The Girl doesn’t get him first.

I believe the format needs work, most specifically giving each scene a time of day indicator, even if the action occurs inside the building. I have always been taught that is the correct format, although I have recently seen a few screenplays that omit the time of day indicator after establishing it once. My belief is that holding to convention is especially important for new writers.

Lastly, this piece needs major grammatical editing. Spell check does not equal a grammar check. Review verb tenses and punctuation on each page.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

Liked the last line a lot. Tied up the script very well. You call The Girl "Rachel" once near the end. I'm guessing you changed her name and missed that (i've done it many times myself).

The action was pretty good, but overall a bit cliche, I think. Though, I really liked the crashing the car into the guy and the wall. that was pretty cool.

Overall, good job.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Steve was a bit too clueless for me. When the two guys barge in on him, they can't seem to get across to him, and I find the premise is flawed from that point. He obviously doesn't know this woman from a hole in the wall, yet doesn't see the severity of the situation.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

What? All of the grammatical, formatting and technical errors really made this a tedious read. Proofread aloud and have someone else review the script, any script, before submitting it anywhere. Beyond that, the dialogue was extremely stiff. Rewrite, proofread and listen to the way people speak before writing dialogue. Proofreading aloud will also help with dialogue and how idiosyncratic it is.

Comments Made After the Contest

Gary Murphy (Level 3) ~ 3/1/2008 12:14 AM

Cheers for the read folks. Most of you said similar things and are 100%. This was a real last minute rush job and it really needed another couple of passes for it to work better. I did polish it up more after the deadline and it works much better.
But i really left it too late for this months comp.

Sara is his wife and she arranged the hit on him, I just never got that across very well in this draft. Oh well, learned a big lesson about leaving things till the last minute!

Cheers

Gary Murphy (Level 3) ~ 3/1/2008 12:20 AM

Oh and a quick reply to AM Wallace, While that many people do in fact start a script with FADE IN: it does not seem to be compulsory, I have read many people say they do not and just finish the script with THE END.

FADE IN: is a direction for a director but what if your story does not fade in? many many movies do not fade in and just go from black straight into some action.

I rarely use it now in scripts and only do use it when I feel it needs it.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 3/1/2008 1:13 PM

I am all too familiar with the effects of last minute writing. :)

I'm looking forward to reading more of your work in the future.