Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

Good action. Good story. You do a good job of moving the story foward. I generally don't like flashbacks if they are only going to be for exposition. I am also not a big fan of ending the story with a flashback. You do a good job of getting other exposition into the story so I think you could probably get the necessary info in without flashbacks. Some of your description is quite long. In an action scene, quick, short sentences add to the tension and move it forward while longer, more detailed sentences slow it down for the reader. You also use passive verbs which slow the reading down. Active verbs keep it moving foward.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Wow what a great story. I really got caught up in it right away. You chose a great place to begin and revealed the backstory with flashbacks. Well done. You kept the story at an emotional height throughout.

The only time it let down was when we went back to the hut at the very end. I really wanted to stay there with Maksi and Eoyan as resolution and I personally didn't feel like the return to the past was necessary for me to feel the impact. I felt like it ended with the her admonition to him to become a better man than his father. That is a powerful image to end with.

Being very picky: Just two lines: 1)"Don't make me kill you" is confusing because we don't know enough and the guy is already running away. "Don't let me kill you"made more sense to me and 2) "You and all the rest of you" seems to imply him and all the rest of his body. What about "You and all the others?" See what you think. You definitely entertained me and I had full visuals in my head. Thank you.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

I love what you did with the theme this month. Arrows! Great idea. Great visuals in this short. Fast paced action within the limits of the contest and great tension.

I love the image of the last flashback, but I think maybe you could move it or do without it. (I'm not really a fan of flashback anyway, but in this case it takes a little of the oomph out of the ending). Actually I'm sure you could keep it, and just move it up in the film.

Great work!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was a well written and interesting tale. I didn't really get why she killed herself before letting him know she was pregnant because maybe they could have figured something out, but that's okay. I like downers.

I gave this an EXCELLENT.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Perhaps you're the same person I said this to last month - when it would already have been too late to change it in this script, but you over-use exclamation marks badly. Definitely not to be used at the end of every phrase.

It seemed to me to be a strange use of the phrase 'sticks out like a sore thumb' to describe the arrow.

I liked the setting of this, and the characters, and the action was powerful. Good job there.

I felt it was too far-fetched that she could so quickly shoot herself with the bow and arrow. Why couldn't she simply plunge the arrow into herself?

I felt, too, that the impact of the ending was lost with the weak flashback. Not necessary.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Nice, thought you did a very good job with the story - lots of action and interesting - and the writing.

In a few places it seemed a little forced, not sure why she chased him into the jungle or how she so quickly used her feet to kill herself with the arrow. And it seemed like a huge turn-around for her to go from taking on the whole village alone to killing herself.

I had a difficult time at first establishing the time frame. I thought she was a cave-woman, then African, then one of those lost tribes of the Amazon (and now I'm thinking Darian Jungle ala MC). The language was a little too modern too, wasn't sure how it would be done on screen. Also thought there was a little too much exposition but don't take off for it since it's almost impossible not to in a 5 page action script.

All in all, a very enjoyable read.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was great.

Your style and craft are excellent. I really loved the tone and the pace. You managed to couple a tight story with compelling action.

Great ending.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Sometimes anachronisms and out of era or setting jargon detract from a script. The “One particular arrow sticks out like a sore thumb” is a line that sticks out like a sore thumb.

I don’t think the final little flashback is necessary. The action and to me the story, ended as “Eoyan breathes her last.” That’s the end of the story.

The action of the battle with the two warriors works well. Ululating sent me to the dictionary but it was spot on.

A good story, told well.

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

I thought that this one was well done! It was exciting, dramatic and sad. I loved the story; it was complex enough to be very interesting and yet simple enough to be understandable in 5 pages. I was able to see a lot of emotion in the character’s dialog. I thought your action descriptions were great, but there was one paragraph that I couldn’t really see in my head; “when Eoyan suddenly turns her bow around and using her feet to drag the bowstring, fires the red arrow into her heart!” I can’t really see how Eoyan could have shot herself with her bow and arrow using her feet…However, I did like that you kept it short so that it feels like she did this suddenly and that way it’s more shocking. I’m also not quite sure if the exclamation point is really needed. I think the action itself is shocking and exciting enough, without having to have the exclamation to tell us.

Again, great job! I loved this one!

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Great imagery, very vivid action sequences. The read was very fast fast-paced and smooth.

I had a little difficulty seeing the suicide by bow-an-arrow; would this really be possible? Whether it is or not, still makes for interesting scene.

I also wasn't sure how Eoyan was firing a rainful of arrows as she swung from the boulder with rope around her waist. It almost seems cartoonishly impossible, but maybe I'd just have to see it to believe it.

Very well put together and well written.

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

I was all set to give this an excellent and you go and have her kill herself with her own bow and arrow!! How exactly did she mange to do that with her foot?

Really well written script, the action was superb and brilliantly written. Good story and good dialogue.

*Very Good

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

Because you have not got the space to set up the world a lot of the things read like old racial stereotypes. Things like the "bone axe", mindless savages with one purpose, the threat of a village stoning. Maybe I'm just being too PC but these just stood out as little awkward.

My problem with this month is that action is often best not written like prose with every beat in a fight put down on the page. Don't get me wrong your images are stunning, but do little to forward the story. A fight is most likely going to be taken out the hands of writer.

Besides that it was nice read and beautifully imagined.

Henrik Nordin (Level 1)

All I can say is that I'd like to see a full-length movie of this script, that's how good it is.

Kirk White (Level 5)

very solid, haunting script. not much I can say to improve it. I thought it was one of the strongest I've read in this heat.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Lots of action and it was intertwined well with dialogue that advanced the story at the same time. Don't really care for the flashbacks, simply because the interrupt the action, but otherwise well done. You did a good job of setting the scene and I could picture the two of them circling around each other in the forest. Reminded me a bit of APOCALYPTO as well. I'm scoring you a VERY GOOD for this.

Roger Pine (Level 3)

This was an excellent script! I loved it. Great story. I could really feel the passion as I was reading it. This would make an awesome film. Great job!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This was fabulously crafted and the backstory was excellent.

This is the kind of detail I am looking for in an action script.

My only slight complaint would be the fact that Eoyan would rather kill herself than lose her honor. So she might kill herself instead of the chief but maybe it was in accident.

You have a stellar piece of work to add to your writing.

Give me more scripts like these.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

My first script of the action ones. This one is very good, and has set the mark. I loved the writing and the era. I loved the sense of honor and guarding one's honor. I think this one will be one that will place this time.

There's action and there's heart and the combination of the two make this a winner imho.

Nice nice work. Excellent

Scott Howard (Level 1)

This was good. The action was exciting and pacey, and I enjoyed the use of flashbacks and the background of the characters. Sometimes it was a little difficult to discern what was happening in the action sequences, but they are always incredibly difficult to write, and I think you did a good job. I had difficulty believing that Eoyan could fire the bow with her foot with enough force to puncture her chest plate, but it if was on film it would probably work. Poetic licence on "arrows from the sky rain down"... she is jumping from a ledge with a rope tied around her, and I'm not entirely sure she would have much time to fire more than one arrow -- two at most. Still, good.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

An action piece with a love story element. This one kept me engage all the way to the end.

The only distraction I had was the descriptions some times sound like poet verse rather than description. And I had a hard time with this, They lie on top of each other." How is that possible?

Anyway, very good.

Steve Hanson (Level 2)

this was a great, easy to read story.

i was hooked from the beginning trying to figure out who was trying to kill whom and why. the way you slowly released information about the father's crime was fantastic.

the red arrow flashback added so much depth to the story and it was very beautiful (albeit sad) that the red arrow killed her.

"become the man that i love" is a great closing line.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

The premise was interesting, this could have been earth or some other planet, there was an other-worldliness culture to it that I liked. The characters relationship was complicated and I liked that too.

Except I wasn't really feeling the pain & intensity. For starters, the flashbacks threw me right out of the moment, and the relentless blow-by-blow blocks of text description of the action on P4 slowed it down instead of being exciting(kicks with left foot, kicks with right foot, dirt sprays her neck - leave these details to the fight choreographer). I'm also not a fan of direction/parens in the dialog to convey emotion wasn't working.

Consider re-writing this w/o the flashbacks and tell the tale in real time. Let's feel the shame, the anger of the actual moment of the crime of the father & the son who did nothing in the opening shot. This would be better than the couple making love that we've seen a million times. Get rid of the red arrow wasn't working; make the couple married already would ratchet up the pain level instead "the baby isn't yours it's his" kinda thing. Then fast forward to the chase through the jungle and let me feel the tragedy.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Interesting characters, very unusual setting and circumstance, although we were doing that for thousands of years before we were doing this...Very creative with a tragic twist...

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

Intense Action Drama

Overall, very good. The characters are nicely developed and the plot well thought out. The action is powerful and dramatic. Nice conclusion, too.

Only two, basically grammatical, recommendations:

P1. “Eoyan coils a rope around her waist, the other end secured to the boulder.”

As the boulder is not previously mentioned, recommend that the be changed to a.

P2. “He sees Eoyan lets go of the rope,” change lets to let.

Well done.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

I think this is good and well-written... but something is a little off for me. I think it's the fact that we're not really sure what Eoyan is fighting for. It's kind of revealed that she was raped by the chief, father of her boyfriend -- maybe even in front of him? -- so she killed him. But it's unclear what's happening at the beginning of the film -- are the villagers after her because she killed the chief? Do they know he raped her? If they did, would it matter?

I think if you made these points a little clearer up front it would help out the overall effect of the story. As it is, the reader is trying to figure out what's going on while trying to absorb the action.

Maybe have her trying to kill the chief, so that she has a goal. And her BF must try to decide if he's going to stop her or not.

As it is, there's no goal or strong enough rooting interest to latch onto early enough in the script, in my opinion.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I enjoyed this script. Different and interesting, symbolic and ritualistic. Eoyan has a good deal of strength and moxie, a well-rounded character as well as Maksi -- very good job.

William Coleman (Level 5)

This one moved. It had action and a chase, too. I liked the backstory and how you used it to build your action, then to add up to your ending.

You created a sense of the distant past with your somewhat use of formal dialog.

Good work.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 3/1/2008 12:10 AM

Congratulations.

Great action film. So many wonderful details. As someone mentioned above, I could easily see this expanded.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 3/1/2008 12:35 AM

Many congratulations. I loved this one! It was a definite pick to win. I'd love to see this expanded also!!

Well done!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 3/1/2008 1:08 AM

Congratulations.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 3/1/2008 1:11 AM

Terence, this was so good I was convinced Matias wrote it. Great job. Congrats.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 3/1/2008 1:21 AM

Eoyan should have clued me to Eowyn from LOTR.

Excellent writing. Look forward to more of the same.

Terence Ang (Level 3) ~ 3/1/2008 2:27 AM

Hey guys, great to have finally won a spot in the top three! Weeee...

thanks for all the encouraging (and room-for-improvement) advice. Charlie, i'm sure Matias could have done a better one!

btw, i'm currently working on a full-length script, so have given Sex Sells a miss. will score a few as much as i can though.

thanks for the comments guys. really, truly, deeply, madly, appreciate it.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2008 10:12 PM

Congratulations, this was a very strong script. Well done!