Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

Good story. Good action. Good tension. Good job of setting the stage quickly and describing the characters. I had a vivid picture in my head. Many of your sentences are quite long and detailed which slows the reader down and decreases tension and sometimes ends up reading more like a novel than a screenplay. An example is the sentence, "There's a rumbling sound like thunder...the colour of blood." If you break the sentences down and get rid of some of the detail, it will make the action more apparent and effective.

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

I got a bit confused the first read through, but I chalk that off to my low IQ :) Upon second read, it definitely got a hold of me. I believe it is on the fringes of 'action', kind of artistic action.. which..hell, maybe this is a new genre!
Tangible irony at the end.. well controlled writing.. never gets too sappy or cheesy. Nicely done.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I think the dialog could use another pass; it works, but reads a little flat and exposition driven in places. It's not bad, but a lot of it isn't doing as much work as it could. I noticed it when the eco-warriors were talking about laying false trails towards the beginning. The segment does what it's supposed to, but it could do a bit more if it wasn't as on the nose.

I have such a soft spot for animals, I'm having a hard time with this story. It's an interesting idea, and I love that you've tackled action from this angle.

I'm not sure the ban talk does much of anything for the story. I would consider eliminating it.

I've heard that plot should seem inevitable and I think you've really done that with this piece, which is something that's hard to pull off.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

GOOD
Hmmm Don't quite know what to make of this one. Obviously this is an action script, but that doesn't mean at the expense of characterisation. I felt the lack of sympathetic characters hindered this slightly. That's what makes this contest so hard. 5 pages for set up, pay off and resolution with enough characterisation to make the reader emotionally invested in the characters is a tough task, but the script that succeed in doing so will likely be the winner. This had everything apart from the characterisation. Very well written, succinct and non-flowery, but ultimately it's missing something.

Also I'm not sure I like the message this gives out. It starts out as a clearly anti-hunt stance in the way the writer describes the huntsmen unfavorably, but the underlying message in the end appears to be 'Don't use extreme measures to save animals because ultimately you may up hurting rather than helping'. Is that a good message to send out? In my mind I applaud the people who disrupt the hunt especially as it's banned here now, so surely it's an odd denouement to have their actions turn out to the detrement of another animal. It's a nice ironic twist, but it comes at the expense of the moral message.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Good job on this one. I think the idea is clever in that the zealots saw how their interference brought tragedy as well. Good point. I had a hard time believing that the Master Huntsman would have such a foul trashy mouth when often people in those circles take great pains to appear educated and refined at least among peers. I didn't buy that part.

I wanted to know the ages of your eco-warriors. As a horse lover, I definitely felt the impact of the ending. Powerful, just lacked some overall congruity to get an excellent.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The climax felt very unfilling to me. The story was good, but a little preachy. The writing was solid.

I am giving this a GOOD.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Wow, very good, in a proper British sort of way. Plenty of action, but not in the normal sense. Thought this was very creative and gave great perspective on a political issue from both points of view, the two extremes converging on what had to be a tragic ending.
Really enjoyed it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was a unique and interesting take on the "Action" genre.

I love your descriptions and I thought the story was compelling. I wish I knew a bit about Greg and Cass so that I cared about them a little more.

Lastly, one small format thing, you are double-spacing your action lines, which you don't need to do.

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

I thought you did a good job writing action; you made it fast, exciting and entertaining. The story was confusing to me though. I had to read it three times before I really understood what was going on. I don’t really understand the significance of the horse getting put down in the end. I thought the story was about saving the foxes but it centered around something different for the ending.

I did like the effect of the master crying; it was something you wouldn’t expect from him and gave it a nice human element. I thought you described the horse’s accident and pain very well, though I couldn’t quite picture it when it said; “It’s as though the world has stopped turning”. Maybe you could show us this effect instead of just telling us? There are so many different possibilities for this; how does it sound? Does everything seem crisp, foggy, slow, fast?

Over all I think you did a good job! Action is so hard to write and you do it very well! ;-)

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Quality writing, but a bit too much description - would have liked to have had more dialogue (more white on the page).

I did get a little bit confused and had to reread a couple paragraphs at time.

The story was missing a bit of a spark, but I'm not exactly sure why or what it needed. It might be because I didn't really feel a connection with any specific character. Help me care a little more about your main character.

Overall, a good job.

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

Very good, I did like this. Only a couple of points I picked up on, the first was your sluglines, you only need to tell us what time of day it is when it changes. there is no need to put -DAY when we are just following on from a scene that you already told us was in the day.

Also your CUT TO BLACK at the end is wrong, you should really just put THE END. or FADE OUT: sounds a bit petty I know but it is best to stick to the rules on these things.

Your action was written superbly, the last page even though containing no dialogue was excellent. Really nice job.

Very Good.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

Good action with a good story that did not have the predicable ending. Like many it feels like the snap shot of something larger than a self contained story. Your Master of the Hounds was tad cliche as he barked out nonsensical catch phrases, but liked you eco warrior types had to face the grim reality of their actions. You might want to take "fucking" out of the script because it adds nothing and can alienate some of your audience.

Jim Montgomery (Level 3)

Nice visuals. Instead of including a fox I would have preferred developing Greg and Cass' character a little more. Really tough on the filmmaker with a limited budget.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

I didn't care for the subject matter very much. I don't empathize with Greg and Cass at all. Even though it seems they get taught a lesson in the end, I get the feeling that the story is really slanted towards their point of view. Action? Perhaps, depending on how a director shoots it.

Kirk White (Level 5)

Solid pacing...powerful climax. I think you may have started your script too early in the story.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Not exactly what I expect to see when I rent an action movie, but IMHO this one meets the challenges’ requirements. There are some chases here and there and the protagonists have to overcome physical challenges using physical skills.

The premise is pretty simple, and while it isn’t mind blowing, it was well executed.

Liked the irony of making the master (in charge of killing an animal) to suffer the killing of an animal on his own.

Very well written on the technical side.

Good job.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Well written. Interesting twist at the end.

But I gotta wonder: "Tally ho, Tony Blair"?

Michael Thede (Level 4)

This was VERY GOOD. I liked that you opened on action and kept the pace up throughout. I was a little bit confused with the dogs chasing the runner (I didn't know if that was something that was normally done to bait the dogs or if it was being done in lew of being able to actually hunt foxes), but I think it cleared itself up by the end. You also score points for telling this story visually and I think it worked really well.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

Great job with this one. I'm very impressed with your action lines. You are extremely capable when it comes to telling the story. I was also impressed with your brief, yet descriptive depiction of the characters. I had a good idea of who they were and what they were about in less than a sentence. Personally, I would have loved to see the Master of the Hounds assigned more lines and felt he was such a strong character. I saw one little grammatical error from GREG on page 2. "What d'they" should be "What'd they". Otherwise, this was perfect.

Roger Pine (Level 3)

This script was full of action, well written and very visual. Nice job!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The action scenes are extremely well written here and the chase sequence is exhilarating.

Your plot too is a fresh and unique take on the action genre though it comes close to be a drama/action mix.

You have established a goal for your characters but I feel the obstacles could be more dramatic, than just the men on horses.

I love the ending a lot, very poignant and ironic that a creature had to die at the end.

However, mid page 4 onwards the pacing really takes off and so many events occur that it comes across as a bit coincidental.

Greg almost gets crushed, the Fox appears on cue, Cass acts as a shield, horse breaks leg, land rovers arrive on cue, horse gets shot, Cass vomits.

Too much.

I have a feeling that you neared the five page limit and had to wrap things up.

Your dialogs are very good and the descriptions are apt.

Very good job. Love your style.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

My first excellent. I really enjoyed this. I think you've created a fine story here, one that seems longer than the 5 pages, (in a good way). This will place or win, I'm sure.

Your descriptions of the characters, their surroundings, etc, was so well crafted. Very visual.

I love your characters, Cass and Greg they're strong and compelling. Their passion plays out very well throughout the story. Culminating in a terrible tragedy that will have far reaching consequences for them, their relationship and probably their ideals and their future.

I thought the story was unique and the concept excellent.

I was totally drawn in by these character and their cause. What an ending! This was a story that stayed with me for a while after I'd read it.

While this would be an expensive film to shoot, I think it would be well worth it.

Great job! Tally ho!

Steve Hanson (Level 2)

i really liked your ending. it was beautiful and sad. interesting clash of fox hunters and eco warriors. i could have used a little more info about cass and greg. were they part of a group? individual eco-warriors? why didn't they turn over the hunters to the proper authorities since the ban started three years ago.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Tragic and well written, I liked the irony and the sad death of the horse shows how good intentions go bad as it often is with "eco-warriors" - usually city folk who champion the rights of animals and don't really care about their fellow humans.

It read too much like a novel for my taste, the long blocks of action text detracted from otherwise interesting characters that we didn't get to know very well. Who was the protagonist?

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

Interesting story... though, I have one big problem with it... why don't they just go to the cops? Eco-warriors do what they do because the law isn't on their side--they are quite literally outlaws. Since hunting foxes is illegal, all they have to do is go to the authorities to have this hunt stopped, right?

But, for the purposes of the review, I'll suspend my disbelief. The story flowed pretty well, though some of the description was a little clunky. My biggest problem is that I think you need more slug lines. I know it's tricky because the woods is one EXT. and all the parties are relatively close to each other. But, I think it might help when moving between the hunting party, the eco-warriors and the fox. And maybe not sluglines, but some sort of marker separating the threads.

Liked the twist. Kind of a morally ambiguous ending.

Overall, good job.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I thought the last 1 1/2 pages was superb -- before that, it was very hard for me to get into this script. I'm not so sure you the need the setup of Greg and Cass for this script to work. As I think about it, I think it would work even better with more tension (like the last 1 1/2 pages) throughout.

The writing is professional and well done.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

I loved the story elements and the irony. A fitting ending for certain. Just make sure to write "Master of the Hounds" instead of "master of the hounds" since he is a character. I would also tighten up some of the exposition even more. Read the script aloud and make certain it is fluid. Once that is squared away, the script will be solid. Needless to say, a great answer for those who think they have all the answers or who wallow in knee-jerk reactions.

Comments Made After the Contest

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 3/1/2008 1:14 AM

I thought this was yours, Ms Coxon. Well done.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2008 10:13 AM

I didn't read them all this month but this was my favorite. Excellent job Caroline!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 3/1/2008 11:19 AM

Your writing is also professional -- and I knew this was yours (unlike Charlie, who only thought it was:)

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 3/1/2008 1:08 PM

Honestly, I wasn't sure if this was yours.

The craft was excellent, but usually your stories are such great character studies. I guess that's my fault for assigning Action this month.

Still, I really enjoyed this one.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 3/1/2008 1:12 PM

I was following the idea that it wasn't the characters that were important in an action script - in fact, they were one-dimensional - but it was the action!

Not to worry = not a genre that is my thing at all, but it was good to give it a go!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 3/1/2008 4:35 PM

I meant to say - "your writing is ALWAYS professional". And I find that is very difficult to do.