Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

Definitely a downer. Your action is good. Your tension is good. You do a good job of setting the scene quickly without too many excess words. I like the fact that you end the screenplay before Brian actually kills Jenny. The implication of his words is enough. I'm not a big fan of characters talking to themselves in order to provide info to the audience because it ends up sounding fake and stilted. Most "real" talking to oneself is much less interesting. How many zombies does he shoot, two or three, you should pick a number or say "several"? How many bullets are in his shotgun since he never reloads? Jenny needs to be capitalized the first time she is introduced. Your screenplay should start with FADE IN and end with FADE OUT or something similar. You have typos that need to be fixed.

Ahmed Alkhayyat (Level 1)

I love how the action flows. True it's all less than 80 miles an hour, but under your skin, you just feel that everything's going way faster than that. And then it starts to slow up to the tragic end when everything just stops after that "Because I love you."

Good job! ^_^

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Good job! You really pulled me into your world as soon as I knew Brian was a father. Your child's lines were very good. I liked "Are you one of the ugly people now? How do I know?"

Intense ending! I always know I am pulled in when I read twice as fast and lean close to the computer. Only thing that distracted me was a vehicle "drifting" at high speed. It seemed an oxymornon. Thanks for your story. Great job. You could leave out the F word and it would still be great. That's just me.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Only one question...Why did the zombies stop before killing the mother? And why did the mother stop after biting her daughter only once? (Okay, two questions...)

Austin Jones (Level 4)

Nice. I like the twist with the daughter in the end and I think your action was well paced. Very visual. The only thing was that to me it was a little too similar to Shaun of the Dead. Especially how it shifts from fun zany zombie movie to sad sacrificial zombie movie. But over all well done.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Grisly, gory zombie story. I loved it. Very nice job.

I gave it an EXCELLENT.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Good start with the car! Then came the zombies...are zombies all the same? Very 'I am legend.' I'm left wondering why and what the zombies want - not being an expert.

A small note.It's = It is. If you want to say 'its'meaning, belonging to it, there is no apostrophe.

I didn't think the 'do you want that pony?' comment was appropriate. It jarred.

I felt that the child's level of fear wasn't in proportion to the circumstances. I also felt that the father would not have shot the child from the front, but would have done it from behind so she never knew what hit her.

But, you certainly addressed the action genre!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

My first reaction: Not another zombie movie. Seems like we've had a bunch here lately.

It really picks up when he's trying to convince Jenny to let him in the door. Pretty funny and scarey at the same time.

Then it takes a somewhat predictable turn, daughter/zombie -so much like the one in the Christmas contest where the guy came home and his girlfriend had been bitten - but draws to such a gut-wrenching conclusion that I finally think you've breached new territory.

Your writing is strong and the story ends up being pretty good. There are a few "convenient" parts like, why did Mom leave after biting her? Why don't the zombies break through the glass? How many shells does he have in that shotgun?

Still, all-in-all I thought it was nicely done. Good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Wow, that's dark. I love dark.

I like this story, but I think you need to work on the tone. Currently, it moves from action to comedy, to drama, to tragedy and I think this works much better if you stay consistent throughout (with drama).

Also, I think the title and the last line are way too on the nose.

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

Wow, that was a really touching and sad ending! I thought this script was well done for the most part. There was one sentence in the beginning that I thought sounded a little awkward; “Suddenly a newer model sedan drifts around the corner at high speed.” When I read “drifts” I thought of it as driving slowly but then it says “at high speed” so it was a little confusing. Also, when Brian says; “Shit! Now now!” did you mean “Not now”?

Zombies are scary, and they did seem to be pretty scary in this story, but for some reason I didn’t get as scared about them in this script. Maybe there could be more suspense? Or Brian’s fear could be more focused on? Just some suggestions… ;-)

I still can’t get over that ending. There was just one thing that threw me out of being totally in the scene; Jenny’s dialog “Daddy, why are you pointing your gun at me?” I thought it sounded a little awkward, especially for a five year old girl.

Overall, I thought this was well done! ;-)

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Not what you'd call a happy ending....

Good action piece, had a good variety of diologue and description.

I wished I cared a little more about the characters so the ending had a little more of an impact. (Of course this isn't such an easy task in only 5 pages.)

Dialogue: "I can make it. I can get there. I have to!" is a little to on the nose and fake (people might think these things, but say them out loud...?).

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

While the writing was good the story was very predictable, although I am overlooking this as the actions was very well written. One thing I would suggest however is that you change the title. With a different title it may well have been less predictable.

Very Good.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

The first half is very zombie cliche and feels like part of a larger movie. I don't care about the main character or what happens to him. The second half is much better. Great job in shooting a child. More people should have the guts to write stuff like that. I think you could have gone further and fired and shown his reaction to what he had to do. That for me is more interesting than the normal zombie stuff.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Dark tail end of a longer zombies revenge story - last hours at the Alamo.
Plus: well paced and gripping
Minus: what went on before (Don & Janet) screams to be told
Good enough.

Jim Montgomery (Level 3)

No more zombies. Anything but zombies and this could have been really good.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Although I like the ending very much, I really think that this script falls into the horror category rather than action. But who doesn't like a good zombie movie? Nice job.

Kirk White (Level 5)

my second zombie and my first excellent. great piece.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

This was a good read and it had enough action.

The execution here is awesome. I especially liked the last line which contributed to both a powerful ending and a cool title.

It’s a pity that the premise revolves around one cliché angle of a worn-out genre. Characters dealing with soon-to-be-zombified loved ones has been done quite a lot.

I repeat: the premise was executed wonderfully and you captured the drama of the situation very well. I just think that the product here doesn’t live up to your writing skills. It would be interesting to see you have a bite at something original.

A little nitpick: The protagonist’s first lines sounded a bit artificial; people don’t tell themselves out loud what they think no matter how convenient this could be to slip information to the audience.

I think you did a good job overall but you also showed potential to do much better.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Wow. The writing was good, the ending was powerful, but the beginning and middle were too disjointed. It just doesn't work as a short-play for me. That's about all I can say right now. I may need to come back to this one.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

There's a bit of a run on zombie stories this month! This was well done, though. You've introduced a really big dilemma for Brian at the end when he has to decide to shoot his daughter. I'm glad you didn't show it, as we can quite clearly guess what happens next. I'm scoring you a VERY GOOD for this. Well done!

Roger Pine (Level 3)

Wow, this script really gave me chills. Despite the fact that it was a little freaky and the ending was a bit horrific and sad, I could see this as part of a feature-length horror film. Overall, it was well written.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Well you sure can write horror. But I don't know if the action intensive opening qualifies the whole script as action themed.

And you veer towards tragic drama as well towards the end.

If this would have been a horror themed month or a zombie month I would have given you an excellent, coz' I love a good horror short.

The end kinda reminded me of the end in "The Mist" but it works well here.

Good job. This can be made into a nice low budget short even if it does not place this month.

PS: What sound would a Zombie make? I would say grunt or gurgle coz' they have lost their tongue :)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no! I really enjoyed this, I think you write action like a pro.

I was hanging on tight for the ride, the addition of the zombies, heightened the tension. Then you add the little Jenny to the mix and the stakes grow even higher.

And then the end.. no no no, there has to be a different alternative, something. If you are going to kill her, don't have him tell her. Leave the end as her question.

I thought this was one of the better scripts so far. It's got a great protag, that I identified with from the get go.

Good job.. but don't kill Jenny! Please try and think of some other ending.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Reading your story reminded me of "Shawn of the Dead." The ending was sad. I shed a tear, then my stomach ached and my index finger swelled up big from where my cat bit it this morning.

I only have praise to share with you. I thought everything was top notched.

Great Job!

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

THIS KICKED A--!!! Here I am getting ready for a somewhat sappy, syrupy tale of unrequited love, and instead I get...Zombies! Lot's of em! Way excellent! Great ending, if not slightly predictable...but it still rocked. Also, this read like a chocolate shake.. read wicked fast....If I was a producer looking for a short, I'm stoppin' here.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

Can't find too much to complain about with this one. Well written and well paced. Torn on the title. I like it, but not if it gives away the ending too much.

The action seems like pretty standard zombie stuff, which is fine. But the story of him going home to his family and having to kill is daughter is pretty good (reminiscent of The Mist).

Overall, good job.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was Very Good, the best one that I've read to date. You've done well with an over-used genre, making it fresh with the daughter concept, along with working the title as your last line.

Action genre successful - the first time I've seen that as well, or at least the best definition of the genre.

Great pace and full story. Great read.

William Coleman (Level 5)

This moves along at a brisk pace. There's nice detail in the action sequence - and basically, this is all action.

I wish you had woven in Jenny earlier. That would have intensified the bond between father and daughter. However, this would mean drastic restructuring.

I know that mercy killing a child is a terrible thing, and it's hard to make an audience believe a father would do that. I used the same idea in my Doomsday script some time back.

You might play with a switch - he kills himself and leaves his wife and daughter to what is becoming a new world devoid of humans.

Comments Made After the Contest

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4) ~ 3/6/2008 3:13 PM

Hey everyone, thanks for the great feedback this month. I don't know it anyone checks these comments after the contest, but I wanted to take this space to address a few issues instead of adding more useless posts to the forum. First, the biggest complaint I saw was my character talking to himself in the car. Looking back at it now it does seem really awkward. If anyone has good suggestions on how to get that info out in a more natural way, I'd love to hear them. I have some ideas already, but I'm always open to new ones. The second thing is the "drifts around the corner at high speed". I though more people would get the meaning of it, as in "Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift" (and I can't believe I'm using that piece of crap as a reference). That's the type of drift I meant, the car basically sliding through the turn.

Again, thanks for all the great feedback and comments and I might have a re-write to post after I finish my teenager script.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 11/28/2008 9:53 AM

Fun material here. It seems like a lot more than 5 pages went by and that's a great element. I haven't read the other reviews, but I will after this. This would easily get a very good or excellent from me. It moves at a perfect pace for this genre. I was brought into it right away wondering what Brian was running from or after. Zombies attacking a car with shotguns, etc. is all too common, but your unique sense of humor adds quality and your own voice to this. What does "He sticks the barrel under his chin, trying it out" mean?