Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

You have a good story here. But, much of the dialog struck me as stilted. "I don't keep forgetting" is very on the nose. There are other ways to say this with more subtext and therefore make it much more interesting. Rufus should be capitalized the first time he is introduced. I enjoyed Rufus' comments at the end but Officer Gomez's comment seems to me like overkill.

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

I liked the premise of the story,-- good prison break action to start, failed hitting on the waitress attempt right into a near shootout in the john. I think it started to go a bit off for me when Maggie barges into the bathroom. I didn't like Cameron commenting on his poetry..didn't feel right in the setting. I didn't like the ease of which he was persuaded by the old man, then dissuaded by Maggie. I loved the old man very cool. great character. I also didn't really like the officer's last line.. didn't play right to me. but great premise.. I would trim up some of the humor attempts..

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Great use of all your characters. I liked the way you incorporated everyone into your story. No one was just scenery. Your bathroom humor and compromising position for the officer was great. Sometimes people take it over the top until it's fowl. Just the right touch of funny.

Good job. You had a little element of surprise in almost every character.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Wow, for a "frumpy" and "overweight" gal, Maggie sure has a lot of men falling for her! lol

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was well written & entertaining. Nicely woven tale that comes together very nicely at the end. Good job.

I gave it a VERY GOOD.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Yippee - some action in the very first line!

But then...the scene in the washroom goes on for the rest of the script, and though there is a tiny fight scene, and though the dialogue is snappy and amusing and though I like the characters and the storyline - I don't feel it is action, even though it got through the selection process,so I'm having to mark it lower than I would have done had it been in another contest.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was good. A lot happened in a short space. Your characters are vivid and story clean, though it seems more like part of a story than the whole thing.
There is not a lot of action, but I think enough. Your writing is strong, but there isn't enough to the story to make it great.
Still, enjoyed it, thought it was good.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great title.

I enjoyed this story, although it took me a bit to realize it was a comedy. The tone was a little over the top for my taste, but it still made for a good read.

Lastly, contest wise, it was a little light on action, but what you did have was well-written.

Colin Garland (Level 2)

I enjoyed this. I was afraid it was going to be another stupid action movie when he arbitrarily shot for the gun in the holster, but the Rufus character added that twist that separated it from the rest, and I liked that very much. The end with Maggie got a bit corny, but nothing to count it down a lot.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I like a lot of things about this script. I think the dialog in particular worked well. Each character had a distinctive voice that reflected who that character was. You could almost delete character names and still know who was speaking (OK, almost could).

Conflict in the bathroom sparks the story to life. Suddenly two opposing forces are jammed together. The old man adds humor but real life to the confrontation. He heightens the story and keeps the script alive.

Nice job.

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

I thought that this was enjoyable to read. Story-wise I thought it was a little simple. Format/script-wise I thought you did a good job. There was one part that I couldn’t quite picture in my head though; “Cameron appears behind a dumpster”. I can’t quite picture how that would look in a movie. I also liked how the characters each had their own unique voice, especially Rufus. ;-)

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

Great script. original, funny and well written. I never actually saw much wrong with it. Nice Job.

*Excellent

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

Started of good, had some excitement with the stand off and the old man coming was great, but then it just seemed to fizzle out. There was no big punchline or a dramatic twist it just sort of wound down. The bathroom stand off is a good idea, I just think you need a stronger pay off in the end.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Intermittent action, more to taut
Plus: terse but breezy style; radio voice filtered
Minus: Rufus s/b cap at intro; sound caps - groan shouldn't be, crackles should be
Not sure avoidance of OTN with snappy repartee fits here, but good enough

Jim Montgomery (Level 3)

This was a classic..in a bathroom. I really like the old fart Rufus.

Kirk White (Level 5)

very nice...albeit a tad heavy handed with the philosophy. not sure I buy that the cop would be as understanding...but liked the old man a lot. great tag at the end.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

This was an amusing read.

At first, I felt like Rufus’ lines were a bit out of place. His tongue in cheek humor didn’t seem to fit the tension going on in the bathroom. That threw me off for a sec.

But then I got used to the comedic remarks and I understood that the piece wasn’t supposed to be that serious.

The story is quite simple, but it’s cool how every character and every detail ties up to the main plot in the end. This was tightly written.

Good job.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I liked this quite a bit, though given the contest requirements it's a bit short on the action side of things. You've got a good little dilemma set up for Cameron--go back to prison and get out earlier, or risk getting caught (which will yield even more time) to make a run for it. I also liked the way Maggie re-entered the story in the middle. I hadn't suspected that she was going to be in on it, so it was both interesting and added an extra dimension to the the story when she showed up in the washroom. I'm scoring you a GOOD, but it easily could've been higher if it had played more to the contest requirements (i.e. more action). Well done.

Roger Pine (Level 3)

I liked this script a lot. It contained a nice combination of humor, action, and drama. It was fun to read and would make a good action short without being too graphic or violent. Very well done. I also like the title. Very cute and clever.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This one is actually a dark comedy with a bit of action thrown in.

The best compliment I can give you is that it reminds me of a Coen brother's film.

You have a great set-up and a very original setting for your story.

I also liked how the characters all got involved in the process and none were expendable. That is darn good writing.

This will make into a fine short film and under a low budget.

Wish the the theme wasn't action so I could have scored it higher.

Good job. Please keep writing, wanna read more of your work.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Very good concept. The story was fun and entertaining.
The story built up really well, and then somehow for me, when Maggie came into the restroom, it sort of fell flat. Before that, I was really into the script.

I'm not sure what you could do to make it finish with the zing that it started with, but right now, it needs a little something more.

The writing was strong and the characters and visuals were very very good.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

A decent story. I did keep waiting for some real action to begin and we only got a fizzle of action. The set up for severe action was in place when you open up your script with Cameron darting away from his plight in jail blues.

Although I did enjoy your story some of it didn't feel real. For example, you have Gomez in the bathroom with his pants down and gun on the floor. What cop would do that? May a stupid cop and I didn't take Gomez for stupid.

Over all a good read.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I wanted to like this more than I did because the story is fun and the title is great. I also found the relationships between the characters interesting, and particularly liked Rufus. He made me smile.

The problem is I found the dialog weak and OTN, and the humor intended fell flat. The comedic touches are there, so with a little work I'd like to see snappier dialog, verbal zingers, a little more physical comedy (take it over the top). Don't make me smile, make me LOL.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

The pacing is good. The characterization is precise. I could see all of the characters clearly. Technically it's very clean.

This missed being excellent only because the ending seemed rushed.

Yes, I know there are only 5 pages.

I guess a little chopping earlier on would have allowed for a meatier ending. The last two bits of dialogue are great... but it feels rushed. I needed a few more lines.

This was a fine piece. Well done.

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

INTERESTING LOCATION

I like it, but it seems to be more a scene from the beginning of a movie (hint, hint!) rather than a complete story.

The writing is excellent, structure is good (as a scene, it’s a little weak as a complete story), the characters were excellent and the format right on.

Overall, very good.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

This is a pretty tight little script. Doesn't fully work for me, though. I think it might have to do with the tone. Seems to lack an attention to detail that didn't allow me to fully be engaged in the story. Didn't seem "real" to me.

It's kind of stuck between action and comedy. I didn't buy an escaped criminal who will steal a cop's gun allowing some guy into a bathroom to take a leak... and stay in there with him and the cop. Why wouldn't he run out with the gun?

I think the problem is that action scripts rely a lot on detail, while comedies you can be a lot broader.

Overall, I think it's good, just kind of stuck between two genres.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Great title, great sense of humor and an all-around enjoyable script. Very well done. Fun characters, nice contrast and great conflict -- and no one died, and excellent bonus from my point of view.

Freshly done on the prison break theme -- creative.

One or two awkward lines, but a great script. One of my favorites.

Comments Made After the Contest