Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

A funny story. She's given one major direction and isn't able to complete it. The dialog is funny. But, there are some areas for you to work on. "...ambitious and motivated..." How do we know that from looking at her? It's better if you can show those qualities in her actions instead of telling us because the movie audience will never see it if it's written for a reader. "...reviews the information in her head..." The only thing the audience sees is her eyes closed. If you want her to review something, you have to show it have it in the dialog. "We see" is for the reader where a screenplay is about the movie audience. It's best not to use "we" in descriptions. Instead, use an action verb. You have typos you need to fix.

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

ok-- I dig the premise... a mystery shopper situation, a virgin shopper at that, is totally ripe for comedy.. and I think you scratch it here-- but you can go deeper.
the martial arts master bit was ok-- but not more than once.. I think it was kindof maybe a little too weak for multiple applications.. and a bit implausible for real dialogue.
I like the setup-- I would just like to see a little more comedy in it.. and I think you have the tools to make this happen. I also didn't like the 'ya think' line at the end. feel like I've seen that line too much before.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

FAIR
It's a competent enough story, but ultimately it's about a Secret Shopper on her first day. There's zero story to speak of here. It comes across more as a research project than an actual story and the Clerk is used as a mouthpiece for all the great research that was done. Whilst I appreciate that the universe and it's characters are well established, it's very hard to get all that excited about the subject matter. Susan never becomes anything other than a bumbling buffoon and nothing about her made me care whether her day went badly or not. I simply didn't see anything of any value in her as a character and therefore felt zero emotional investment. I wonder about what kind of genre or demographic it's aimed at. The style and narrative suggests a comedic tone, but it isn't funny... at any point. It feels like a poor man's Kevin Smith script, only without his occassional glimpses of great dialogue.

There are also a few format issues. Long clumps of paragraphs that could and in some cases should have gone on to a separate paragraph. Writing that appears on screen as a visual tends to be capitalized (though some could see this more a question of style choice). Add to all that an example of unnecesary parenthesis ('Ya think' is clearly sarcastic).

That said the script is also for the most part well written and whilst the dialogue most of the time is nothing more than functional, it at least remains succinct enough that it doesn't effect the pacing.

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

Text that appears on screen is capitalized in the script.

Great story. I loved it. It's something I'd love to direct.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

I like the image of the staff going crazy to make sure everything's right and Susan doesn't even notice, that's pretty funny :)

While this story does have an arc, I come away from it feeling like it might be part of a larger work. It's a great scene to set up more...Susan embarks on this wacky job. There's conflict here, but not a ton of conflict. But I could see this being part of a comedy feature.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

My wife has done the secret shopper thing, and I can tell that you must have done it too because you capture it just right. Points there, it's always good to know your subject. This made me smile a little, but nothing really made me laugh. I think if you took the situations just a little farther, made it more extreme, embarrassed Susan just a little bit more, then we'd have some real laughs and this would be a winner.

Brad LaMar (Level 2)

I love the concept! This can lead in so many directions with many pitfalls. Nice thinking! I also like the supporting characters. The writer makes our lead a vulnerable person who is commited to doing a nice job. I love this type of character.

Brett Manley (Level 2)

Having considered Mystery Shopping myself, and read the many rules and specifics one must keep in mind while appearing not to, I've imagined the fumbles and awkwardness that may occur. I think this is a humorous depiction of how that situation may play out and kept me interested. The nervousness of Susan pairs well with the employees who are in on the gig-watching it all unfold with commentary.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The story was a pretty fun idea, but I didn't feel like this script was written to standard. Unless "We" are a part of the film, "we" shouldn't be used in descriptive passages. "We see her scroll down and click." should just be "She scrolls down." We know we'll see it because we're reading a script. Telling us we'll see it is redundant.

Nice job but this could use a little polishing I think.

Caleb Parazette (Level 3)

Would make a pretty funny short if done right. Many glaring grammatical errors. Please have someone proof read your work in the future.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

There was very little drama in this, and the story gave you opportunity for more interesting things to happen.

The whole of the first page was taken up with a computer screen which wouldn't be visually exciting. Maybe you could have jumped straight in to the restaurant and it comes as a surprise she is a mystery shopper?

At some points it is Susan's story, at others it's the employees' story - best to stick to one or the other.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Your writing is good, but I don't quite get the subject matter of the story. What's the point? What would make someone go to see it?
I think in the opening directions you use, "we see" too much. Not really sure we need her sitting at the computer so long, or having the audience have to read the screen. The story really gets moving once she's at the restaurant and has some funny parts to it. Think you could almost begin right there.
Was expecting a bigger payoff at the end. Didn't really seem worth the wait. Would be good to introduce another twist, maybe she knows they know she's the shopper and does something or maybe she puts something in her own sandwich because she has a score to settle or maybe she gets food poisioning. Just seemed like it needed a little more.
Anyway, all in all, a solid effort and good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I think the setup is great. I was very curious to find out what this "mission" was she was going on.

Once she got to the restaurant though, I was expecting a little more drama and conflict.

I enjoyed this and I think it's good, but I need something more, a twist or some character arc, for this to be great.

Chris Thomas (Level 3)

A decent story but it lacks a twist or something to keep us going. All of the writing was literally "on the wall," although even though I knew what was going to happen, the dialog was good.

Colin Garland (Level 2)

I think this was interesting, but not satisfying. The main thing I liked about it was its sense of pulse (exciting moments popping up in good variation), but the main question that was proposed to me in the very beginning and that I was most interested in all the way up until the last line was not answered in nearly enough depth: what is Mystery Shopping 4 U dot com and why is she a part of it?
The essential conflict of the story changed dramatically, initially leading me to believe (maybe this is just me) but there was some secret society going on here, but eventually shifted to the fact that she was simply bad at being a secret shopper (not nearly as interesting as why is she a secret shoppper). In the future, I suggest establishing a main conflict and/or theme first, so that it isn't sloppy/shifting in the middle.

David Dahl (Level 1)

I quiet liked it, the scene-setting and dialogue are good. As for the story, I didn't get what a mystery-shopper is. If it is just some market-research-agent than I understand, and it somehow makes the whole story more plain. And why would she be soo nervous, even if it is her first time? There was a bit too much mystery left unraveled for me.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Your writing and craft is good, but the story didn't do it for me. It was simply too much like: A happens, then B happens and then C happens. But what is there to get the audience to care what happens?

I kept waiting for something to take place, some sort of WOW to the story or character, but it was just kind of "a day in the life of...".

Give us reason to care about your character and the outcome.

Overall, you do have good writing style and there is humor and good descriptions.

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

Hi,

It was a pretty decent script, though not really sure of the story, I mean it did not seem to really go anywhere. The only real confrontation was her losing her receipt which in the grand scheme of things did not do an awful lot to move the story forward or provide any tension. But I know how hard it is to build any kind of meaningful story into 5 pages so this was a good try.

The only thing I picked up on which i would suggest you have another look at is a lot seems to happen in her head that is not made obvious through action, i.e. "Enters and assesses the cleanliness, then nods with approval." If this was a short film how would the viewer know that she was assessing the cleanliness? Instead of writing the above you should really write some action that describes her looking in the cubicles, running her finger along the skirting board looking for dust etc.. There were 3 different occurrences of this and you really should be thinking about showing and not telling.

That really is the only thing i picked up on that could do with looking at again.

*Good

Jason Sikorski (Level 2)

I could see this being pretty funny with the right acting talent.

The part with the stopwatch would be tough to sell, because who (other than track coaches) has a stopwatch these days? If she could use her cell phone to time it somehow, that would be a bit more believable, but then you would have to rework the rest of the story a bit.

I can't help but think there's some problem with the formatting (missing indents) - I'm no guru myself right now, but that's OK, because 230,298,385 other people will point out if there is indeed a problem. :)

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Kind of a who's watching whom.
Plus: Odd snippet of a char's bland assignment made into a story.
Minus: Has a contrived feel for comedy but fell short of funny; wasn't sure of an audible that's not an audible but some arm swoop that everyone picks up on; also seems to imply that the next customer wasn't waited on until Susan ate, rummaged, and left. Fairly clever.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Not much of a storyline here. The script needs much more conflict. Perhaps you could have the employees accidentally make a huge service error, adding to the irony that they know Susan is a mystery shopper.

Jon Watts (Level 3)

Good direction, dialog and character development. It could have benefited from a plot-twist or some other less predictable element.

Kali Lyles (Level 2)

Short and sweet. This was a good execution of a simple idea.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I liked the premise...but I think you tried to tell two separate points of view and ended up with no disticnt story. It's like you focus on Susan and the behind the scenes stuff and then switch to focus on the workings behind the counter...which may have actually worked if you had more space but with just five pages it just doesn't unfold well. I ended up wanted more from both sides. perhaps either expand or rewrite to tell one story.

giving a good.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I think you need to explain more what is going on in regards to Susan being a mystery shopper. Is she getting paid for this? And why a fast food resteraunt? Why so many pages of instructions?

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I liked the concept of a secret shopper’s association with secret benefits to their members. But I think you need to expand on this idea. How does one become a secret shopper? Why do their members have the benefits that they do? There are too many issues unaddressed regarding the premise.

If you flesh out the main idea a bit more, this could work better.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I'm not really into the topic. It didn't really grab me and engage me, but the writing style was good over all.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That wasn't bad. I enjoyed the read. Aside from a couple of typos it read quickly and smoothly. I thought you did well with the fast food characters.

I thought that Susan could use a bit more character work. If she is really clumsy you should show us that in the begining otherwise using it as a sudden plot device is a no-no.

Another thing I think that could use some work with is the amount of text you have people reading from a computer screen. I am just as guilty of this when I write scripts containing computers. It's going to cause issues with the audience, find a way to get her to read it out loud - or at least enough of it so the audience can get the drift.

Nicely done though - I gave you a GOOD.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

Very good story. Great action lines and a nice flow. Mystery shopping is an extremely boring topic to me but you definitely made it more interesting.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Okay where do I start on this one!? I loved it from beginning to end. This imho is what a short script should do.

It immediately identifies the protag, Susan, who you paint with such a colorful brush, she's shy, insecure, scared, hopeful. She's a mystery shopper and with that comes a lot of responsibility.

The whole scene in the restaurant is hilarious and would play out so well on screen.

I love the cashier and employee banter about Susan.

I think you've done an amazing job in only five pages!

Some little nit picks.

Maybe name the cashier and the employee. That way they are a bit more personal.

I would have the title be Secret Shopper.

The beginning could be a little tighter.

The ending while sweet and complete, left me wanting something more. Not sure how else you would end it, but I was hoping for the grand finale, and I was a teensy bit let down.

Having said that, this is a definite contender, and I would love to see this made into a short film.

I hope it does!

Excellent job. I really enjoyed the read and the journey.

What I liked.
Well lots of things here. You've nailed this story. It's fun and cute and the main character is very identifiable!

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Your story kept me engaged. When it was all over, I though it might be missing something. By "something" I mean an inciting incident. Just seemed like a nice story about a nervous newbie to a process.

Overall, I feel it was very good. Would like to have seen the character overcome a serious, or funny flaw.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Funny. Good physical comedy and I enjoyed the original take on a "first day on the job" situation. The relationships between the Cashier and the Employee were fun too.

There were two technical flaws: "The cashier notices the stop watch and immediately realizes..." this is editorial, and so is "Then realizes she has thrown something away that she needs..." both take place inside the characters' heads. We see this later in action/dialog, so just take it out. I'll let the "grasshopper" cliche slide because it was handled nicely and was believable.

I'd also suggest taking the physical comedy over the top (ie: employees behind the scenes get the hand signal code and assemble the burger with lightning speed; Susan gets nervous and dumps her soda, the employees scramble to clean up etc).

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I wanted more from this script... I'm not sure what, but it didn't grab me. I didn't care for the stop watch falling out (as an important element to the script), showing the workers that she was the mystery shopper. If that is coupled with more slapstick, it works better.

I felt like you were non-committal on how you wanted this piece to be told. You have some signs of slapstick, but never dive completely into it... and I think that could be where this really belongs.

Susan was nervous, it was her maiden purchase -- what if it was the first time for all of the employees in the fast food joint? That would allow for some funny possibilities.

I like Susan as a character, as well as the conversation between the experienced head cashier and "grasshopper". Some good moments, I just wanted more from the whole script.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I liked the premise. You move it along nicely, mystifying me at first, then clarifying it at the right time so that you elevate your story to another level - will she find that sales slip?

I'd like a little more cleverness in the dialog. The action, however, is written clearly. I visualize your piece as I write it.

Comments Made After the Contest

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4) ~ 2/3/2008 10:16 AM

Thanks for the comments. This was the third screenplay I had ever written. I knew I would get some comments about the tension or a twist at the end, so that was to be expected. Actually, I'm surprised it did as well as it did, I really wasn't expecting any excellents. I will go in and edit. I know I spent almost a page of instructions, but I wasn't sure if people would know what a mystery shopper is. Believe me, there are a lot of instructions you have to follow. I will go in and try to shorten that.

I did do some mystery shopping. The names were changed to protect the innocent and the story was altered for entertainment purposes.