Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

I really like this story. You create a very vivid world and even though it is quite sad, I enjoyed it. I was a bit confused at the beginning because I thought the focus on the WWI memorial tablet meant it was a story about WWI but I figured it out later on. I think you should set the flashbacks off as such. It makes it easier for the reader to know what time you are dealing with. You don't say when this takes place. If it takes place in the present, Isabelle needs to be older than 68. If it's not in the present, you should specify the year in your opening slugline. Sometimes your descriptions start to read more like a short story than a screenplay such as "Feels the music surge through her...The most beautiful thing she's ever heard." That's very difficult to show on screen because it happens in the character's head.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

You had me engaged in your story right from the beginning because of the mysery. I immediately wanted to know more.

With WWII as a backdrop, I instantly felt for Isabell. Her vulnerability reeled me in. Edwin was believable also. I envision a powerfully subtle actor with so much of this story happening in the actors' eyes.

Only suggestions: Isabelle's name is missing after her mother corrects her.
Question: Does older Isabelle have to leave the church in the beginning? Could she stay and write the SS in the dust or soot? It was strange for me when she was back inside at the end. That's all Very good story. I enjoyed it very much.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

Harrowing story. A tough read (the story - not the writing - the writing is well done).

I can't have any sympathy for Edwin. In the end he didn't redeem himself. Forced or not - he didn't. He's still a nazi. A reluctant one, but one all the same. Now, I'm not totally sure if you meant for us to have some sympathy for his situation at the end...I think you might have? But it was the butt of the gun in his back...

Another quibble - Isabelle is 68, but you describe her as very frail. From the description I picture her as much older (68 isn't really all that old denoting frailty). I know you want to keep her that age for the story but the two don't totally match; you might want to note that she's more frail than usual for that age...or, really, she doesn't have to be frail at all.

Good work. A difficult subject well told.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

I really don't know what to say about this one. I don't think any review type comments are appropriate, this is so beyond that and more about how reading this makes me feel.This has done what a good story should do and affected me emotionally.

Brad LaMar (Level 2)

Very nice writing and structure. The story is paced well and is moving. Good work with a period piece.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was a very nice, emotionally charged story. There were a lot of descriptive paragraphs that should be broken up or trimmed down to add white space to your script, but overall, this was a good one. Nice work.

Caleb Parazette (Level 3)

Great piece. Moving, well articulated. No need for more pages. Excellent work!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was beautiful. I loved every minute of it.

Only one tiny thing.

It would be 'A NOS MORTS...' not 'A NOUS MORTS' - it stood out because it was in capital letters!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Awesome. Sorry, don't see anything you'd need to change.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your writing is exquisite. I love the way you use words.

The story is haunting. My only issue, I don't understand why they dynamited the church and then shot the women and children. This is such an atrocity, I need to know why it's occurring.

I think with a small rewrite this could be amazing.

Chris Thomas (Level 3)

Very deep script. Makes you think about every action/word and read it carefully.

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

So this was an excellent piece of writing, your descriptions were wonderful and you told a very nice and sad story. I had no idea what it was leading to and the journey you took to get there worked really well.

The thing that spoiled it for me was the dialogue, A german SS soldier and a little french girl would probably not been able to have a conversation. I would be willing to accept that in this case they both knew enough English to have some dialogue but they would have certainly have spoken English as opposed to US english and the line "Your mommy will join you" really pulled me out of the story because it was so out of place. It would have been "Your mother will join you".

That might sound really petty I know but it really did make me stop reading for a second and spoilt the momentum leading up to the climax of the story. And for that I have to mark it down as a flaw.

EDIT: So even though it is Friday morning where I am in Australia, it is still the 31st in the US. So just checking my reviews before the deadline. Maybe co's its a Friday and very sunny here this morning but I am in a good mood and think maybe I have been a bit harsh with the above score.

This one worried me more than any other review I have given and felt I needed to look at it again. So maybe they do say "mommy" in Germany, maybe I am wrong. So anyway I have changed my mind and giving this an Excellent, the questions marks over the language do not warrant marking what is otherwise an outstanding script down. I have left the above there just so you know what my initial thoughts were anyway.


*Excellent

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

This is a tough one because there is so much description I feel like I am reading a book rather than a script. That said I have a very clear picture of what I have read, so good visuals. I think the subject matter may have been exploited too much in the past to be truly original and the portrayal of the soldier as a "meathead" distracts from the otherwise more truthful of the piece.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Bringing reason to a hard edge war story.
Plus: quite visual; chars have shading
Minus: 1946, the war was over; occasionally slips into prose; swan tie-in seems devised. But good.

Jeremy Goodlander (Level 3)

Wow, this was great, the imagery was outstanding and the characters felt real, outstanding, by far one of my favorites.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Well done piece. Tragic and sad. Not subject matter I think I would enjoy watching, but the imagery is good.

Jon Watts (Level 3)

Believable, somber tone. Good technique.

Kirk White (Level 5)

Jesus! this one is so good it makes me want to stop writing forever. This is one of the best I've ever read here. It should win first secon and third place.

stellar. work. (obviously I'm giving an excellent)

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I thought you did a very good job with this subject. Very emotional. And you were able to show the humanity of the Edwin. I liked that you used the flashback to tell the story.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

While historical dramas are not my cup of tea, I must say that this one was very well written.

I liked how you let the visuals drive your story. It’s remarkable the sentimental value that the paper swan has by the end of this tale.

Lots of conflict in here. Characters forced to make difficult decisions, especially Edwin. As a drama, this one works pretty well.

Very good job.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Lovely. Absolutely lovely. I can't claim a thing against it.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Well, if that ain't worthy of first place, I don't know what is. EXCELLENT.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

OMG, just glancing at this, before I've even read it, I can tell you you've got way too much on the page. If I was an industry reader, I wouldn't want to read this. Too hard on the eyes and it looks like it's going to take me a week. More white space please! Now, on to the reading... As I suspected, this easily should've have been a longer piece. I have to say that I think you've got some of your facts muddled. Almost from the beginning, I was asking myself if this was based on true event--and I assume it was--but the inscription you've got reads 1914-1918 and after doing a bit of research on-line, the event I think you're trying to recreate took place on June 10th 1944, during the Second World War, not the First. The Waffen SS wasn't even established until 1940. I'm scoring you a GOOD for this neverthless, but I think it needs clarification.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

Wow! Very moving story. I love the way the flashback works without "Flashback" actually being printed in the script. I felt the action lines were a bit long, but did not detract from my enjoyment or interpretation of the story. I wish I had an eye for detail like yours. Awesome job!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This is beautiful and haunting. True, there have been umpteen variations of the same theme over dozens of films and yet you find a unique way to tell me something I have read and seen before.

This should be handled by a well honed film maker because in the wrong hands it could have a danger of being labeled as generic. So, if a director/producer tells you it's part of a feature film, I would just find someone better to make this short.

Flawless and poetic. Works like these are a pleasure to be imagined as films.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

As I read the script I kept thinking to myself, this reads more like a short story than a script. There's a lot of black on the page, not much dialogue.

Having said that, it's so excellently written that I have to give it a five. I would be remiss if I didn't.

The story is poignant, excruciatingly powerful in both imagery and storytelling.

Your two main characters are well rounded, well fleshed out.
The story has a beginning, middle and an end. The story knocks the ball out of the park.

I enjoyed all of the twists, turns, minds eye images. But I would like to see more white space and dialogue.

Well done, a beautiful tale, well told, and will be well remembered.

What I liked ....

Well of course the beautiful writing and the images that go along with this story are first rate. I loved the story and I felt transported in this script. I felt a part of this, as if I were watching from a distance. I would love to be sitting in a theatre watching this. I can see it on the screen, and I know I'd be moved to tears.. (well probably sobs) Excellent work.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

A beautiful touching story of pain, hatred, survival, and memories. I don't want to discount the importance of this story, but it has been done before. Because this type of story seems to have been done before, it really did not have such an emotional tug on me. It was like, "Yeah, sad, next."

Your writing was wonderful and you did tell a complete story in just 5 pages. Everyone of us who are able to do this should be very proud of our brevity and completeness.

Although the story was excellent, it seemed heavy on action scenes and not enough dialogue which seemed to make this story slower to read.

Overall, it was very good, The only thing I didn't care for was some lack of originality.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

That was beautifully written....EXCELLENT

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Utterly horrible. Loved it! "Hanz, a no-necked meathead of of a soldier" is one of the best character descriptions I've ever read. The swan song analogy was beautifully executed if you'll pardon an awful pun intended. Such an excellent read, I had to forgive the novelish prose and getting inside Isabelle's head with "the most beautiful song she's ever heard." Methinks a winner this (and so far I have never been wrong in picking one of the top 3).

Terence Ang (Level 3)

An interesting story, heartfelt and warm. While most of us would wish to know whatever happened to Edwin Gottlieb, the story has echoes of Schindler's List and The Last Days put together. Great writing though and definitely spot-on with the paper swan linked to the final soprano on the last page.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

Liked it a lot. Very heart-felt. The only thing I'd say it since it's very action/description- heavy, I'd tighten up that copy a little. Basically just polish it up. I started to wonder a little bit in the middle.

But all in all, very good script.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Powerful. There is a profound sadness that engulfs me when I read stories from this period -- Sophie's Choice, Schindler's List, The Diary of Anne Frank...

You did a wonderful job. There tension is palpable and there are two stories here, both of them tragic.

The symbolism of the swan was also well thought out and executed (though not entirely true, I do not mind that at all).

My only criticism -- I would use some element in the slugline as to the change from present to past and back again. Whether that is flashback or actual "years" is entirely up to you. The first transition is awkward -- YOUNG Isabelle.

Excellent job.

William Coleman (Level 5)

This was wonderfully detailed. It caught a time and period very well. I'd think you are older, but if not, you are wonderfully precocious.

The ending is expected, but it works because of how well you created the past.

However, did you cheat a little on font size. There's an awful lot in this script for fivve pages.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

I don't understand why after so many decades Isabelle decides to leave the paper swan behind. I also can't figure out why the SS used a bomb on the women and children, then shot the survivors, when they just shot the men? Furthermore, why did they waste time separating the groups only for the same end? These questions have to be answered before a successful and logical rewrite can take place. The bones of the story, however, are fantastic. I love the locale, time period, Edwin and the swan - as well as the title. But the finer details definitely need to be fleshed out in order for this to work.

Comments Made After the Contest

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2008 12:03 AM

Well done, Alex. One of my favorites.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2008 12:27 AM

Congratulations on your first place finish. I loved your story as well.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2008 12:42 AM

Way to go Alex, knew this one would be up there. You sent me to the internet for two hours after reading this to find out the history behind the story. You really did it justice. Great work, a very well deserved win.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2008 12:54 AM

I knew this one was 'the one'. I loved this so much, and I would love love to see it played out on the screen. Well done, and many many congratulations!!!

Austin Bennett (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2008 12:56 AM

Um, Alex, isn't this the same script you posted a few months, if not a year ago, on IMDB? Shame shame! I guess it's good that I didn't get around to reading this one.

I didn't remember you wrote it, but I definitely remember the story, which is freakin' amazing.

This is a well deserved win and whoever voted this "fair" needs to rethink their standards.

Gary Murphy (Level 3) ~ 2/1/2008 1:56 AM

Well done Alex, I knew it would be between yours and Sally's scripts for the winner. Great effort and you should feel proud of yourself. Nice one.

Michael Thede (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2008 3:38 AM

Congratulations, Alex! In retrospect, I think I would've graded this higher than I did. Nevertheless, I'd definitely like to see something more (i.e. a longer piece) come out of this!

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2008 4:27 AM

Congratulations Alex!!

I didn't get to read this one, but I think I read this one before... :-)

Great job!!

Barbara Lewis (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2008 5:18 AM

Congratulations, Alex! Like I said, harrowing...and I love harrowing :)

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2008 6:19 AM

Go the Brits! I really wanted this one to win (equal with one other, which wasn't even placed) Loved it. Who cares that it was posted somewhere before. Does it matter? The only reason it could matter is that you won't be anonymous to some people so the review might be skewed.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2008 6:36 AM

Very well crafted piece. Well done, Alex.

Alex Hollister (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2008 8:34 AM

Thanks to you all. Thanks for your kind comments and constructive critique. This is just a quick post cause it's a busy day (Rent day, not to mention my 30th birthday). I'll answer a few of the questions raised at a later date. Just wanted to show my appreciation for you insightful comments.

Oh just quickly. This script has indeed seen the light of day on Done Deal, for a memorial day themed contest and IMDB for general feed back. It's changed guises a few times and started out as a 7 page script. Tough to get it down to 5 pages (hence the distinct lack of white).

Oh and it's all based on a true story, apart from the situation between Isabelle and Edwin. The actual backdrop is real, so if there's no explanation as to why they blew up the women and children, it's because there's no explantion. They seem to think it may have related to French Resistance capturing a German commander, but it's never been proven as a motive. I read through reams of info plus documentation of the war crime trials. Nothing concrete. This is why it lives on in the memory. Because there appears to be no reason for the massacre.

Anyway I'll bore everyone rigid with a verbose explanation at a later date. Thankin y'all again.

Austin Bennett (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2008 11:38 AM

Alex: Didn't you also write the fireworks script, too?

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2008 1:50 PM

I just knew this was a winner! Do I know how to pick 'em? Congrats!

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2008 3:55 PM

Congrats Alex! I love your eye for detail.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 2/2/2008 7:21 PM

I read the fireworks one too. It won as well.

You seem to know what you are doing. ;-)

Jim Montgomery (Level 3) ~ 2/26/2008 7:00 PM

Alex

Pretty powerful stuff.

Rose Shannon (Level 0) ~ 3/15/2011 2:51 PM

Gorgeoous opening scene! the frail old women remembering a cryptic past and practically running away. Its the running part I love, it means she isn't resigned and still feels her pain passionatly. nice detail.