Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

I really like this story. I think you do an excellent job of moving the story forward without any dialog which is hard to do. You definitely set the tone of contrast between Santa and Hooded Figure.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

GOOD
Strange little tale. Very well written. Very visceral. Nice concept of dual Santa Clauses. One for naughty. One for nice. I can't really say much more than that. It didn't blow me away, but it's a nice little tale. I have a sneaky suspicion that this was a belated entry for the previous contest. Either way it's an enjoyable read, despite the lack of white and dialogue. Excellent visuals and would make a great 'Nightmare Before Christmas' type animation.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

I'm not through all of the scripts yet but if this doesn't win it will at least place, I'm sure.

This was really powerful. The images are so strong that I had to check the page numbers because for a second there I felt for sure you'd gone way over. The story really just grips you in the gut too. Perfect ending. Love that the only line of dialogue is that of Santa at the end.

This was chilling and ended positively, not easy to achieve I don't think. Top marks from me.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

Dark and evil. I love dark and evil. There are some great images here. I'm picturing this as Tim Burton's Polar Express. I almost didn't read this one because I scanned and just saw solid text straight down with no dialogue. That makes it harder to read, but this is worth it. Find some way to make this read a little smoother without losing the contect. Would probably be easier if you could spread it over more than 5 pages.

Brad LaMar (Level 2)

This is hard to judge since it feels very much like a silent movie. I appreciate the writer's verve for setting and action, but if it going to be a silent movie, why have any dialogue at all? The story was nice and festive, but it didn't feel any different than past Santa stories. I know that's hard to make that story varied, but good try. Also, nice writing.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Nice, twisted little Christmas tale. I enjoyed it. Seemed a bit overly descriptive at points. The Naughty list creature should have been given a name because that was a very cool, interesting character you came up with there. Overall, nice work.

Caleb Parazette (Level 3)

Wouldn't that be nice. Very imaginative. A little tedious without dialogue but that's the story. Good work

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Was this a late one for last month??!!

I used to put screen headings in bold and very quickly got told it made my scripts stand out as rookie ones! (So I'm just telling you the same)

Putting in camera directions, especially using 'we' as in 'We CLOSE IN' doesn't go down very well either.

While you have broken up the long pages of description, which is good, it was still a hefty read and would tend to put people off. Try to be more concise!

It somehow didn't work for me, jumping from sickly sweet to drug paraphernalia and a battered child. Then a murder...

Sometimes, mixing genres CAN work. This didn't quite manage it, but a brave attempt at something different.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

If only it were true.
Excellent. Loved it.
Love how there is no dialogue until the end. Love the images. Love how you've created an entire new fable that fits alongside the centuries old one.
Your writing is clear and concise.
You are on the Nice List.
Definately a contender this month.
Great job!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

The visuals in this story are wonderful!

I love the way you tell this story without dialogue.

I was a little surprised at how dark it got at end with the man and the captive child. I wonder if you need to go that far.

Still, this was a fantastic read and extremely well written.

Chris Thomas (Level 3)

Love the idea of telling a story without dialog, but I was left wondering how the little girl got there. I guessed he is a pedophile, but I'm not sure.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

I liked the story, great contrast with the good/bad - light/dark. Excellent descriptions and very good visuals. And then a happy ending to boot; nice way to come back after the pages of blackness.

It was a great story, but not the greatest screenplay, for the reader anyway. I can't say it's not a good screenplay because I can easily see everything clearly on the screen that you write and I do believe this could be a spectacular short.

It was just a little tedious to read because we look for dialogue to break up the pages (and the reading). I think you could have all the great scenes and still add lines for Santa, the elves and such that could not only add more to the story, but also make it read a little faster and smoother.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I like the premise of duel Santa's, but There was entirely too much set up in the beginning (and descriptive paragraphs throughout) for me. The story moved slowly as a result.

You don't need to bold the sluglines, and watch the overuse of caps. For sure use them when you first introduce a character.

Some might say there is blatant camera direction for a spec script. I don't know if you can get away with one line of dialogue but it seemed to work.

Despite everything, I rate it good, good story.

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

I will be honest, when I first read this I only gave it a fair mark. But nearly the end of the month and this was one script I felt had never given a proper read of - in fact to be even more honest i gave up after the first page. Maybe I was not in the right frame of mind but the script certainly did not help matters. Far too much writing on the pages! I understand that in a script with only one line of dialogue it is hard to get some white space on the page, but I really think you need to try. Even a single line of dialogue on each page - maybe Santa just saying "Ho ho ho" or something would have broken up the page a little. As it is I just looked at page 2 and did not want to read anymore.

So I have read it this morning and revised my marking, I did finish it and It is a really nice story. Your descriptions are writing style is very good and you told your tale well. It has a clear 3 act structure which I like to see in shorts, I still want proper endings even in a 5 pager and yours had that.

But I still stand by my original thoughts in that this is a very difficult script to read, It really needs more white space and because of that I have still given it a lesser score than I would have with a few more lines of dialogue.

*Good

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

I love the fact that you had next to no dialouge and think you probably could have cut that last line too. The story was good, but got a little twisted in the middle and I wondered who you would be aiming this at as it is to grim for younger kids and but to cheese for older ones. The image of an 8 year old bound is very disturbing.

Now why id the naughty list guy so scary when he only goes after bad people. Now if he was doing that to children who had not eaten their greensI could understand, but he is (in some sense) doing good so why the bad rep with the elfs.

Lastly you should name elf 1 and 2 as it would give them more character, think of them as smurfs, they could be nerdy elf, buck toothed elf, just something a little extra so they don't feel so generic.

James McConnell (Level 3)

This is a fantastic concept. I really loved the alternate Santa and what he was up to. However, I think there was way too much description, too much black on the page. It made for a really hard, long read. I would only include what is absolutely necessary to move the story forward.

The tone of the story was strange. We were thrust into a nice and sweet candy world and then thrown into this dark, dark place. Perhaps give us a sense that not all is what it seems when we first see Santa. Gives us some clues. The first few pages with the real Santa weren't really that interesting. If you injected some of the dark stuff here then it would make me want to read on because when it did turn it was pretty good stuff.

You have a basis of a very good story. I think the plot needs tweaked to heighten the tension. I had no sense of any goals/conflicts. Even a 5 page story needs some of this.

Page 1

Christmas Eve in the slugline is a cheat. It is not a time of day. What VISUALLY tells us that it is Christmas eve? Picture the story from a viewer's POV.

How do we know it is last minute duties. We can only see the elves perform duties. "Last minute" is not something you can show visually. "The elves frantically perform their duties" would give a more visual action.

The elf general puts gifts in the sack and it "never appears to get any fuller" yet leter we are told there is a "plump, mountainous sack" - Contradiction.

Page 3

Lots and lots and lots of black on this page. As soon as I saw it I was dreading reading it. Try to break up the action more. Make it a more fluid read. Don't give a script reader any reason not to read your screenplay.

It's a pity this page is so dense because there is some great visuals here. Really got me involved. It's just that it was a chore to read all the action. If it was more lean then it would make for a great page of action.

Page 4

I think the elves are in it sufficiently enough to give them more descriptive names. Instead of #1 and #2 how about Skinny Elf or Trendy Elf or Hyperactive Elf? Give them a name that suggests what they are like. Give the actor something to play with. #1 and #2 is too generic, too boring. Have some fun!

I would give the hooded figure a name.

Page 5

Why does Santa take the girl? That's not his job. He's gives gifts. I was kind of confused.

Jason Sikorski (Level 2)

Hmm, interesting story. I'm not entirely sure I understand the meaning behind it (I'll have to read it again), but my first impression was that the death was a bit extreme.

I will say, as far as creative writing "form" goes, this is a gem.

I also couldn't help but think about how much this would cost to do "right", but that's 100% outside the scope of this review. :)

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Well described play with a single line of dialog. Lots of reading that cozies up to prose but pretty much worth it, i.e. very good.
Plus: surprising (thought it a kid's story but it kept getting darker); good visual descriptions
Minus: creature (undescribed would be stronger); a tad formulaic (naughty = completely despicable)

John LaBonney (Level 4)

I really enjoyed all the descriptive details. I thought there was good build-up and suspense in the sequence where the elves go down to the creature. I was curious about what the creature kept in his sack.

The only part I wasn't thrilled with was the ending. It was a little too dark for me; I was hoping that he would arrive at some naughty kid's house and deliver coal and a stern warning to improve his behavior.

All-in-all one of the better scripts I've read this contest.

Jon Watts (Level 3)

The lack of dialog doesn't seem to serve a purpose here. Interesting contrast of good and evil in the Christmas theme but it needs to be fleshed out more.

Kirk White (Level 5)

this was a great one! giving an Excellent!

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

Overall I like the concept of an anti-Santa if you will. And while you are good at the descriptive I think it's a bit much for this script. Perhaps you could focus more on the 40 year old and what he is doing to the little girl. Also there is no need to use Close on, the director will take care of that.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

There is a very original angle in here; I really liked the evil Santa in charge of the naughty list.

I just wish you got there a bit earlier. It’s remarkable the detail and effort you put into the first two pages, but all they do is establish what the audience already “knows” from other hundreds of Christmas stories.

You’ve got a hook, use it earlier. In the first page if possible.

I have mixed feelings about the ending. This tale’s message (if I got it right) is exceptional. “Naughty” kids are the result of “naughty” parents, is what I get from the ending, since the evil Santa kills the dad and spares the naughty kid. A quite original theme for a Christmas story, and worth exploring.

But on the other hand, the ending raises a problem in tone. You open with quite a cute sequence which I could easily imagine done in animation with sweet Christmas music playing in the background. The opening scene usually sets the tone and genre expectations; it’s quite an abrupt turn to suddenly be watching a scene that clearly hints a child’s abuse followed by the dad’s murder. Whoa.

It was a fun read nonetheless, a bit slow at the beginning, but it got quite interesting in the middle.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

GOOD. But I was very close to giving you a fair. Why? It was well written and it was imaginative but there was something about it that didn't ring true for me. It might be that there is no mythos to latch onto for this strange bad santa, that what you created is so new. It might be that part at the end when Santa brings home the little girl which is so unlike what Santa usually does. It might be that even though you did your best not to, you implicate Santa of being complicit in a murder. I'm not sure why I didn't like this but this didn't work for me.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Just flipping through this without even reading it, I can tell you if I were a Hollywood script reader, I would NOT want to read this. WAY too much type on the page. More white space please! This is going to take me half-an-hour to read... OK, now I've read it. I recently saw an interview with Scott Rosenberg in which he said that he never writes action/description that extends over two lines. His reason: After that, the eye naturally begins to wander away from the words on the page. This definitely happened to me here. As a result, I really just skipped through a lot of what was written here. Moreover, I think most of it was unnecessarily included. You need to trim this a lot. Take out anything that isn't ABSOLUTELY necessary. I think you've probably got a good original story here, but no professional is going to want to read this as it is. I'm scoring you a FAIR.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

Interesting approach you took only including one line of dialogue. (And saving it for the very end to boot) The action lines were very descriptive and it made for a good read. Nice flow, even with the lack of dialogue.
I'd suggest adding some dialogue, but then again I'll assume you left it out for a reason. Way to break tradition!

Rob Gross (Level 4)

good description, little dialog. loved this story. i think I know who wrote this.

The story flowed well. Your descriptions were excellent. Each detail really had an impact.

I couldn't wait to see what happened next.

Nice wrap up of the story.

This should be a contender.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I think this is a good story, but to me that's what it is, a story. It's not a script, there's only one word of dialogue.

I gave it a good, because the writing is well done and the story is compelling.

But in my humble opinion, to make this a script, you need less action and a lot more dialogue and a lot more white on the page.

I think with some trimming and cutting, you could make this into something wonderful.

What I liked.
I like the 'feel' of the story. The action lines are full of description, (need more dialogue) but nevertheless it is a nice story that would be even better with a rewrite.

Samantha Crawford (Level 2)

very inventive, good use of imagery

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

This was a nicely written script. Actually it was more like a short story to me, but it was a nice story none the less. I thought the ending was nice, but at the same time it seemed a little off or maybe unconvincing. (I hope that made sence.) Nice job though.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

While I appreciate what you are trying to do, and I like the idea of an "anti-Santa" was very imaginative & original... and this story is very visual... and nicely written -- is this a short story or a screenplay?

The prose just goes on and on in all manner of detail with 11, count 'em 11 scene transitions. This is a bit much for 5 pages IMHO.

We don't even meet the protagonist (assuming it's the abused girl) until page 4 so why should we feel sorry for her or even care, there is no emotional connection with her since all she does is sleep! All that set-up was wasted because the characters are so under-developed.

I suggest rethinking the tale and tell it from the girl's POV right up front, let's see the Ugly Guy abusing the poor thing - then I would care.

We don't need to spend all that time in Santa's workshop, we've been there a million times before. The Elf General, Elf #1 and Elf #2, and Mrs. Clause serve no real purpose.

Find a faster way to get to the Naughty Book and the Elves getting the anti-Santa on his way (or better yet, have Santa dispatch the beast in person), then we'd be happy to see the Ugly Guy get his, and we'd feel relieved when Santa shows up to rescue the girl.

Sorry, I'm not feeling it.

Terence Ang (Level 3)

While this reads more like a 5-page storybook or a novel, I was half-expecting someone to say something in a dialog form. It is only towards the end that we see Santa say something. While visually the story does flow in action sequences, you might want to break the monotony with character dialog to lend more depth into what some of the characters are really thinking.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

When this first opened in my tab, I was a bit deflated with the subject matter and the lack of "white space". That quickly subsided with the quality of the writing.

Your visuals are well done. I loved the idea of the Naughty List having its own delivery. Solid and imaginative.

I understand that you want (or at least it's how I took it) the only line to be spoken at the end by Santa -- it packs a punch that you want to leave with the audience... but I couldn't help thinking that the beginning is so full of happiness that one couldn't help but say something, just by the sheer excitement of it all. Maybe there can be "Instrumental Holiday Jingles" playing in the background? I don't know... just something that popped into my mind.

Again, great visuals and a wonderful imagination. I would venture to guess that some folks may wonder how Santa found this young girl when he didn't have the Naughty List. I thought of it this way, he had the Nice List, and that is how he found her -- she was on it. Great work, don't bold your slug lines.

William Coleman (Level 5)

You dare to use but one line of dialog. You tell your story visually and you tell it well. This is a movie. I saw every image as I read.

I wish I could offer suggestions, but this script satisfied me from beginning to its tender, loving end.

This is truly fine work.

Comments Made After the Contest

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2008 12:05 AM

One of my favorites. Excellent job.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2008 12:51 AM

Micah, loved this one, scored it an Excellent. Can't wait to see what you entered this month.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2008 5:16 AM

Absolutely loved it.

Micah Ricke (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2008 12:56 PM

I want to thank everyone, and I mean everyone, who provided feedback, encouragement and criticism. It's greatly appreciated and I know it will help me improve my writing.

I only wish I could have read the comments before I submitted for this month. You'll notice I've made some of the same mistakes. February's entry will be different.

This is the first screenplay of mine I've let anyone outside my family read. It's also the first screenplay under twenty pages for me, which was a challenge.

I am going to use what I've learned and revise the script as appropriate. After I've done so, I wouldn't mind sharing it again, with those who are interested, and getting additional feedback. Can anyone tell me a good method to accomplish that?

Even if it never sees the light of day, I'm a perfectionist, and I won't file it away until I think I've truly done my finest work.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2008 1:33 PM

First, this was another one of my favorites this month.

As for the rewrite, you can post it here. Just scroll to the top of this page and upload it. Then you can post a message in the forums letting people know they should come check it out.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 9/2/2009 9:53 AM

Technicals: "hands folded as if in prayer"---you may want to specify either one. "sparkling-green"--may want to exclude the specific color. typo: "into IT'S cover" . "Glumgrid sighs contentedly, then hisses:" may want to remove "sighs contentedly"--sighing is still considered by some to be taboo. "He holds the mouth of the sack to the chimney top and tips it upward. Something slides down and out of the sack".--This could be mis-read as the mouth of the sack is tipped upward rather than the bottom of the sack, and reversing the last sentence could be more smooth: "Something slides out from the sack and down the chimney". A few paragraphs could be made more brief or split in two to have smaller paragraphs. Others may disagree with some of these technicals, so see what the majority rules.

Story: Santa is the main "good guy" who has the henchman Glumgrid, who also has his own henchman who ends up doing the dirty work. Glumgrid doesn't go into the house, he is only the "carrier" of the active hero. A thought: remove Glumgrid and have the little guy be the sole heroic henchman. Instead of having help through the chimney, he struggles out on his own. My reasoning is you because you foreshadow Glumgrid as a frightening beast, but then his role ends up being rather passive. This would be like Ben Obiwan sending Luke Skywalker to beat Darth Vadar but instead R2D2 finishes Vadar off. Another way around it could be they both go into the house and one helps the little girl as the other takes care of Naughty. If anyone disagrees with this, please shout out; I don't want to screw this up for Micah!!

Writing: Beautiful, clearly detailed, feels like I'm right there feeling the cold and sharing the emotions with the characters.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 9/2/2009 6:59 PM

Or they could love just as it is. I'm a lot of help aren't I? Good luck.

Micah Ricke (Level 4) ~ 9/2/2009 9:43 PM

Well, I fixed all of the typos I could find and then I started trimming. To my utter shock, when I was finished there were five pages as opposed to six and a half!

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 9/3/2009 9:14 AM

What an excellent christmas script. Everything else is simply re-hashed, year after year, but "The Naughty List" is a true original. You have a good hand for visuals, as you have crafted them very well and vividly. The story seems to be more than five pages, it's amazing you were able to pack so much (and so neatly) into five pages. The Glumgrid character was simply an ingenius creation, but the appearance is too cliched. I wish you'd gone for an appearance as original as the tale itself. The description of the 'Creature' made me think of a Demonic Tribble...LOL...well done. This would make an excellent holiday short that will please and entertain the multitudes. Excellent work!