Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

Interesting twist to have the characters change nationality at the end to make your point but it didn't move me the way I think you wanted it to. Your dialog and descriptions move the movie forward and do a good job of providing the necessary information without dwelling on it. Are you going to put the quote on the screen for the movie audience to see or is it just for the reader? "a nice lady" "nice kid". How do we know they're nice? It's better if you can show us. Parentheticals should go on their own line. You have some typos that need to be fixed. It think your drawn-out sound effects are supposed to resemble gun fire. I think it would be better if you just put "gun fire" or "machine gun fire" "incoming mortar rounds" or whatever you are going for instead of trying to replicate it with "BAM-IT-TI-BAM, etc., etc." Trying to figure out the sounds is distracting from your story.

Adam Grage (Level 4)

A great piece. The dialogue was done very well however the ending just deflated it. I liked Al and Essie as ignorant middle class Americans instead of changing them in the end.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

FAIR
Another title page that manages to irk me. Over-elaborate, superfluous and pointless. You already have my back up as you would a potential reader. Is that poem conveyed on screen? Is it supered on black? No. So what's the point? What does it achieve? apart from showing a potential reader that you don't get how the craft works. Something backed up by the rest of the script. Overly described sluglines. Sluglines change description. Incorrect format of parenthesis. Poor, lifeless character introductions ('a nice lady.') Capitalization of objects and sounds (Sounds I'll just about let you off on).

As to the story, it doesn't work for me. I'm not sure I get it. It looks like you tried to pull the old switcheroo with the family representing the middle eastern population that us civilized countries keep bombing to hell whenever oil seems to be at a low. But they talk like an all American family. On screen they would look like an all American family, so how exactly would this work as a sort of twist. Also the way they described what's happening on TV and the material posessions I'm pretty sure this is already a democratic, capitalist country.

I'm giving it Fair purely on the message and a few nice moments of dialogue. It's a grabled message admittedly, but it's heart was in the right place.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

I really like the perspective in this story - sends a message, that's for sure. Great action.

The one thing that didn't work for me is the parents were just too calm when the kid came home, and even joked a bit...or threw out some asides. It didn't ring true for the situation, though I think it was well-written.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

Wow. I really like this for the first 4 pages, then that last page came along and made me wonder if a page from a different script got pasted in the wrong spot. The tone completely changes from satire to vicious and it almost ruined the whole thing for me. Those first pages kept me interested enough to ignore the format problems, but that end shift completely pulls me out of the story.

Brad LaMar (Level 2)

Interesting point of view. The dialogue was a little over the top and I don't think many Americans would watch though I understand the point. Structurally, it was sound and I can appreciate the writer's skill.

Brett Manley (Level 2)

I like the use of humor to emotionally attach the reader/viewer to Al and Essie. As I read, I pictured them as a kind of Archie and Edith Bunker-which was funny for me. I don't know how much of it was intended to be funny, considering the ending, but that was how I pictured it through the first 4 pages-kinda an ironic juxtoposition against the violence raging outside. I like surprise endings, but (assuming the humor I picked up was intended) I don't know if I like the pairing. On one hand, I understand the idea of how your view of the family may change when you realize which side they are on. But by using humor instead of compassion or drama to create that liking makes the switch almost seem forced, as in the people they turn out to be in the end don't feel like they match at all (Essie seeming meek in private, then shrilly ululating as she charges the soldier).

Maybe different people reading this story would assume different things about the characters than I have; but if YOU have a vision for how YOU would play this out, then it may help to include more character details to wrangle in the possibilities. Reading this on paper may make for an interesting social experiment of "What races, genres, etc. did the reader attribute to the story", but on screen there can be only one.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I really liked what you tried to do here. The twist at the end was a curveball no one could have seen coming, but I think the reason it catches us so off-guard is because it doesn't really fit the characters you created. Al, Benny & Essie are not Muslim names and the characters do not behave like Muslims throughout the script, which is why the ending is so shocking. The problem for me is that the shocking ending, as good as it was, really dragged down the rest of the script for me because it simply didn't feel remotely believable. There were a few minor typos that a rewrite would have caught, but nothing major. Nice work. If you can work out some way to make the story all gel together better, I think this would be a fantastic short. Nice job.

Caleb Parazette (Level 3)

I think you are on the verge of a great idea here. Why not have the middle aged couple turn out to be in a more stable part of Iraq or somewhere nearby. We think they are Americans in America till the end. Their son just returned from helping the resistance somewhere. You wouldn't be able to give them names as that would give it away. Just a thought. Keep up the good work!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked the Brecht quote, although I found the bold and large font on the cover page quite hard on the eyes. It seems a little point to raise, but it DOES affect the way one starts reading something, and you want to avoid that. In my case it was 'Good grief!' and a need to withdraw a few paces from my monitor so I wasn't blinded!

I don't think you needed Essie to say '...Benny, over there, all that fighting.' She only need say Benny. The rest is obvious, and makes it sound natural. She wouldn't have to explain all that to her husband, would she?

I find it distracting having lots of things written in capitals. It also makes me laugh when people do sound effects like RATTY-I TI-BAM! RATTY-TI-TAT-BAM-I-TY BAM, BAM! Okay if you WANT me to laugh, but I don't think you do.

It was very clever, this, the way the thing shifted. Very good indeed. Just get rid of all the annoyances in the way it's written - and please - no lectures about 'it's the story that's important' etc. etc. Yes it IS but those little things mask an excellent story.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I think I see what you were trying to accomplish, and it would have been spectacular had you succeeded, but, alas, I must say you did not. Far from it, actually.

The parallels you attempt to draw just do not ring true for me.

It's also hard to swallow the stupid, gun-toting American citizens and brutal American soldiers along with the radical Middle Eastern family. It's all so cliche' and for the most part unrealistic. There is no one in the entire movie that anyone could sympathize with.

The American father is so stupid he's funny which makes it seems as though you are attempting a farce, until you attempt the "switch" then it's completely serious and ugly.
A for effort on what you are trying to accomplish, but F for the way you go about it. Why not have a NICE and INTELLIGENT American family and a NICE and INTELLIGENT Iraqi family and at least SYMPATHETIC American soldiers when they kill the family? That way most people could at least begin to relate.

I think this could be spectacular if you'd use a little more restraint, paint everyone as normal - how would Americans feel and react if there were tanks coming down our streets? (NOT like idiots - you lose all but your ultra-leftwing audience right there) This is really something to explore. Then, the SWITCH into the modern reality - where it's really the American tanks and a frightened Iraqi family thinking they are going to defend themselves. And the soldiers aren't blood-thirsty and jaded, but actually think they are doing the right thing. What great conflict. It's brilliant if you can pull it off.

Sorry, but as is I have to give it a fair. With a lot of work, though, I think it could be excellent - an extremely intelligent comment on the state of the world today.

By the way, loved your Bertolt Brecht quote.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I loved this.

What a wonderful mix of satire and political commentary. The twist at the end was perfect.

My only fear is that people don't seem to get or appreciate satire any more.

Great title, quote, and script. Excellent.

Chris Thomas (Level 3)

Seems rushed...interesting concept that I think would be better suited if explored further and made into a 10-15 page script. I love the message you are sending about the war however.

David Dahl (Level 1)

I liked that! At first it was quit comical, but the final message is to be taken seriously. I would have brought the final plot-turn a bit different. The moment they 'charge at the camera' is totally over the top. I would leave that out. Better (more realistic) would be a struggle when the soldiers try to arrest Benny, resulting in the same tragic end. Also I would keep the 'reveal', when we see the typical american family as a muslim family, for after their deads. So it would go: struggle, gunshots, fade to black, and than the new setting, where we clearly see the family as being 'muslim', and the american soldier mumbling something like 'they just don't understand'.I think this would make it look more authentic and dramatic, anyways, good script!

Drew Jones (Level 2)

The script felt more like a play - didn't get a sense of cinematic action.

Some funny lines, but wasn't clear whether it was all tongue-in-cheek, or trying to make a serious point underneath. Maybe a couple of drafts in, and we'd get a sense of direction.

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

Okay, I am gonna give you a fair rating for this even though is part of me that is screaming to mark it as poor for one reason. Your script has three instances of double dialogue that seems to have no place in the story bar keeping the script to within 5 pages, I think this is cheating.

The story however was interesting and pretty well written, I liked the twist at the end and although anything more than a little thought would open holes in the plot I often find it is best not to think to much when watching action movies so why would this be any different? So all in all a good effort that would have earned at least a good rating if not for the double dialogue.

*Fair

Jason Sikorski (Level 2)

I think you were a little to obvious with the meaning behind your story.. if you could get the same point across in a subtle way, it would be much more powerful.

Let the audience connect the dots themselves - they will be much more receptive to your message (and I do like the message).

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Transmogrification with weapons.
Plus: good action story
Minus: clever redirection works a little too fast; same-time dialog of speaking/recognition jams. But almost very good.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Very clever ending! The jokes work well; I'll bet you had fun writing the Al character. I think I would really enjoy seeing this get made into a short film. Nice work.

Jon Watts (Level 3)

Great surprise ending. Dialog could be more natural, less trite.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I must admit I saw this coming from the beginning...but probably because I directed a short play some years ago called "Loyalties" that did the exact same twisteroo with Nazi Germany. I think the premise is good, however. But...and like my aunt mathilda it's a BIG BUT...this would be very difficult to film without giving away the ending. I don't know if you're planning on casting american/iraq hybrid looking family memember or not but it would be tricky not to give it all away. The cut to them suddenly in Burka and Iraqi garb felt more like a contrivance than a creative solution...I would have been more satisfied if all along there had been clues peppered in the script that I had to go back and read and say "oh YEAH!!!"

I almost think this might make a better short story than film.

giving a good

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

You have me confused, is this family American or Iraqi? It seems as if at one point they are Americans( mentioning the Fourth of July) and in another point Iraqis(Essie in a burqa and praising Allah). The dialog,especially Al's doesn't seem realistic. I think it would have made for a better story if you had it take place in Iraq and show a dramatic reaction to an Iraqi's family being put in the middle of a war zone.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I didn’t get it. I thought Benny was a soldier who just came back from fighting in the Middle East, but the ending left me wondering who was fighting who.

Sorry for the crappy review, but I missed the whole point and it’s hard to make constructive suggestions in these cases.

Matt Carrothers (Level 2)

If this is meant as an indictment against our military defending our national security, it's not a good one. The characters are a bit cliched, and the ending provides no closure to any conflict.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Interesting, conceptually, but a bit too 'black-and-white' for my taste. The dialogue seemed heavy-handed as well and there were slight inconsistencies in tone. There are a few spelling and format errors too. I think it's a great angle on the conflict, but I'd recommend being more subtle with your approach. I couldn't tell if you really sympathized with the family or were making fun of them.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I want to know who wrote this. That was VERY GOOD. It was quite funny, had a sitcom feel to it like a cross between Married with Children and All in the Family or something like that. I only have one criticism and this is why I didn't give you an excellent - it looked like you cheated on your formatting and crammed a lot more than 5 pages in there. Otherwise, that was fantastic. Good work!!!

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

Good story. I love the irony. I also love the quote in the beginning. That's the first time I've seen it in a short script.
I'd proofread before submitting next time. I did notice a few grammatical errors and also noticed quite a bit of underlining, which I thought was overkill. Otherwise, nice job.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I read this one last weekend, but I got sick and never typed up my review, but I wrote on the script GOOD, so that is my vote.

I would have redone it today (1/31) but I'm still sick so I hope you forgive me for that.

Pia :-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I really love this, it's chock full of irony and humour.

Well done. I can't really think of much to add except, a pat on the back, and I'd love to see this one made.

This will place or I'll have Al's head on a platter! See if I don't!

What I liked ...
Well just about everything. I like the visual way you write, the great dialogue and the way the story pulls you in right away!

Samantha Crawford (Level 2)

It was interesting, I liked how you are originally led to believe that they are an American family although this would be much more difficult on film.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I thought this was cleverly written. I was wondering what was going on with Benny coming back from the war. It didn't dawn on me that the war was there, nice twist/reveal at the end. Nice job.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Delicious satire and political commentary... and unfortunately all too true. Methinks another winner this.

Terence Ang (Level 3)

Great premise in terms of turning things the other way around for us towards the end. However, as the story is told in a visual sense, it would have become obvious to us immediately as an audience that Al and Essie might be Middle-Eastern from the start, just that your short doesn't mention it at first. Great action set-pieces though and loved the way Al responded to the threats.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I thought the tongue-in-cheek humor and light-hearted take on the subject matter was very good and a fun read.

Why I think this doesn't work, "...we sent you boys over there to keep them in their back yards, not ours". I feel like you are misleading the reader just to turn the tables on him/her.

Having said that, it was a good deal of fun.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2008 12:31 AM

I loved everything about this. It pains me deeply that this script didn't score higher.

I thought the satire was brilliant and I fear it was lost on a few too many people.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2008 1:58 AM

I'm shocked this didn't place too. It was one of my very favorites this month.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2008 2:03 AM

I really thought this one should place too. It was one of my favourites this month.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2008 7:33 AM

Sorry, Bill. I'm one of those who didn't get the satire, all went right over my head. You know I love ya though.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2008 9:46 AM

Bill, wonderful conversation and commentary.

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 6/19/2008 11:19 AM

Hey Bill, this was excellent. Just searched for comedy scripts for a quick read, so that's why I'm dragging it out of the past.

I don't know how this would play out on screen (if it got made), it kinda felt like it was just a script to be read, not a short movie to be watched. You could see that the family is Iraqi and the country is not America.

It kind of reminded me of the final scene in 'Blackadder Goes Fourth'. It's set during WWII and the series is all about them putting off going 'over the top'. The final episode they actually do go, and it plays out in slow-mo and silence as they are gunned down straight away. It's a comedy series if you haven't seen it before but that ending, obviously, wasn't meant to be funny. Just thought the end of this one was quite similar.

It had a bit of a play feel to it aswell, could see this as a short stage production.

Now, back to the future.