Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

This is a sad story but I like it. You do a good job of setting the scene and developing the characters, especially how much George cares for Mabel. You build the suspense well from the first dialog with Bob where it is clear something is not as it appears. A couple of thoughts. If the counter top is full of baking supplies, you don't need to mention the flour, eggs and sugar since they are baking supplies. How do we know the frosting is "room temperature" and does it matter to the story? I would suggest just saying "frosting". You have typos that need to be fixed. When does George light the tapered candles?

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

Sweet and touching. Nicely built up. I thought it was going in a darker direction.. and what I thought would be a sadder direction... but this was very emotional. I liked the preparation, very believable and human.

very nice.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

VERY GOOD
Damn I'm going soft. I liked the story. Some great moments of subtext. Well written and a smooth flowing read. I had convinced myself by the end of page one that Mabel was already dead. Even when she was in a bed I was still on the festering corpse tangent. Her speaking took me aback somewhat. I prefer to be surprised althoguh it says something about the suspicions of us as readers when the twist is she wasn't dead all along. But I digress, Excellent dialogue (on the reread Bob's 'Getting forgetful' line is heart-breaking. I'm not sure if you intended it to be because I would have expected more of a reaction from George. If I were rewriting I'd have had that moment for George's emotional reaction. After all this is a dress that I assume Mabel would have picked up herself had she not had what I assume is Alzheimers). The story is gut-wrenching at times. The only reason it doesn't get an EXCELLENT is that whilst it's a greatly crafted short story, dipping into the life of a spouse dealing with Alzheimers, it suffers from that all important word 'Originality'. Excellently written and crafted, but ultimately nothing new. Wonderful characterisation mind you.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

Heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking.

This seems very real and raw. It's a slice of life with a very clear arc. Excellent script.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

Simple, but touching and powerful. Reading this 5 page script has made me sit here and think about my own life and my future for almost 10 minutes. I had to go into the other room and hug my wife before I came back to write this comment.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was very good. I thought it was headed in one direction and it went somewhere completely different. Unpredictability is a good thing. The story itself was heartfelt and moving. If I had to guess, I'd say this author has probably dealt with Alzheimers in their personal life and I only say that because they portray it so accurately. Nice work.

Caleb Parazette (Level 3)

This is certainly well written. I might have been touched more if I hadn't seen "The Notebook." It was fairly predictable.

Carl Rossi (Level 2)

There's a few grammatical errors in there that I think are caused by repeated editing. They'll get fixed quick during a re-read.

The story has almost been done to death, so I'd be wary of writing it again. It's such a cliché I called it on the line, "It's a red dress...with gold buttons."

Also, I'm not sure a 77 year old would know what the 3 (5) second rule is.

Technically, it's well structured and it moves naturally. I do want to read something else by you and I hope I do, but not this particular story.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

There are some details in this that we don't need to know and which clutter your story - like 'room temperature frosting.' Cut your work down to the bone!

I'm wondering if it would be even more effective if Mabel was completely foul-mouthed, using far worse obscenities? 'Damn it' doesn't have great impact.

I thought this was a moving story and it touched my heart. Well done.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Nice story, nicely told. I thought you did a very good job with it. Kind of a worn-out theme, but you made it interesting.
I think her getting vicious and scratching his face, making him bleed, may have been just a bit too much, it distracted me from the rest of the piece.
Other than that, thought you did a great job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is beautiful.

I love the characters, the pacing, and all the perfect little details.

Mostly, I am impressed by your restraint. This never goes over the top and becomes sappy. You share with us this one little heartbreaking moment from their lives.

Simply lovely.

Chris Thomas (Level 3)

Awesome story. Sad 't yet lovely. Don't change a thing.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Very touching story. The emotion between George and Mabel came through extremely well. Couldn't help but feel a tug at the end. A little predictable, but very well executed. My only quibble is that the opening scene at the dry cleaner felt a bit soft, unfocused, you could cut the entire scene and not lose any of the impact of the overall story. Good work.

Drew Jones (Level 2)

Really sweet piece. I would have placed one or two indicators in the story, for example, maybe George reacting differently to Bob's reference to him being "forgetful". That word would have been a sore point for that character, and I would have liked to see that explored.

Overall though, very tender, very well crafted. Excellent writing.

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

One of the saddest things I have ever read. Really well written, wonderful little script. There is nothing I can say that would make this better than it is. It is Excellent. Nice one.

*Excellent

Jason Sikorski (Level 2)

Interesting story.. is it technically accurate with regard to the behavioral patterns? Parts of it seemed a bit extreme to me, but either way, you conveyed your point quite nicely.

At first, I thought for sure his wife was dead, and some craziness was about to happen, but I like the direction you took the story.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Palliative care in a hospice situation.
Plus: well written realism; chars very well drawn; touching
Minus: too real - little entertainment (like something about Alzheimers on PBS); needs something to mitigate the solemnity/hopelessness of the malady and for those around it (good luck). Good story as is.

Jeremy Goodlander (Level 3)

Even though I felt like I've seen this before it was very well done. Great descriptions, I felt as if I could see exactly what I was reading. George was a great character, very well rounded.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Well done!

"Getting a bit forgetful, aren't we?" is a great line for Bob to say to George.

Jon Watts (Level 3)

Very sweet. Nice character development, direction and dialog.

Kirk White (Level 5)

giving a very good. very bitter sweet...haunting and ultimately tragic. Well done. I'm thinking maybe we don't need so much time in the dry cleaning store...but I'm not sure. I liked this.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I thought this was a very touching story of how one man is coping with his wife's Alezhemizer's. George is very sweet and loving to Mabel and one hopes that as they dance Mabel remembers who he is even just for that moment. Nice job.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Mabel’s sudden attack to George was an unexpected twist and an interesting hook. Unfortunately this happens by the end of page 3. I’d suggest bringing this angle earlier; the first three pages are absolutely devoid of conflict. It shouldn’t take more than one page to establish that your protagonist is getting ready for a romantic dinner.

I like the dark picture that your ending paints. It’s quite a dark message but it rings true since sometimes people are willing to put up with anything for love.

I wish you could inject some more development into this story’s conflict; after being established, its status remains the same till the end. From a dramatic point of view, this story feels like a “static picture” rather than a dynamic progression.

Things ending as bad as they started can be a suitable conclusion, but I think that at least the status quo must be seriously challenged during the course of the story in order for it to feel more complete.

Good job though. I enjoyed reading this one.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Very well written. I like the subtleness of the story, you did a great job of conveying a long struggle in only five pages.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was VERY GOOD. Powerful and moving. I don't really have much to say except that perhaps you spent a bit too much time on preparing the cake. Well done.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

This was a nice story. I could see this one being expanded a bit, to further go into the relationship between George and Mabel and how they deal with her Alzheimers (other retro-grade amnesia, which ever it is). I'm scoring you a VERY GOOD.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

Very touching. reminded me of "The Notebook." Alzheimers/Dementia is very scary. I had a neighbor that would go for walks and forget where he lived. His wife would call the police and they'd find him and bring him home. Scary. Great job.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Well written touching story.

In the beginning I was convinced this was going to turn very dark with George going home to a corpse or something.

Dementia is tough to deal with and I wrote a script like that myself a year ago here at MP.

Don't really have a lot to say about the script. Maybe tone done some of Mabel's outbursts in the bedroom as it diminishes some of her class.

My vote: Very Good

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This was charming, sweet and very well written. It would be a shame if no one makes this into a short because it is very much possible in a low budget.

Alzheimer's can be painful to those who take care of the one affected and you have portrayed that quite well.

I initially thought that George is a widower but was pleasantly surprised to see Mabel only to then be taken down a different route again.

Great writing, brilliant execution.

Samantha Crawford (Level 2)

It was fairly good. There was a healthy mixture of funny and sad moments. An interesting commentary on alzheimers.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

That was very touching. This is a beautifully written script. The descriptions painted a very visual picture and the dialog seemed right on. Nice job.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Touching and sweet; timely subject matter. Good characters and relationships. This would be so much better if 1) it had fewer scene transitions, we spend a lot of time doing boring stuff like cooking and setting the table, this could be condensed; and 2) the set-up could be way stronger, without giving away the problem I would have liked to see more of George as caretaker and Mabel as an invalid sooner (like page one) and less time at the drycleaner - the opening shot was weak. For example, George could come home with the drycleaning and groceries, check on Mabel upstairs and we see she's frail and maybe forgetful but don't realize the extent of the problem until later that evening when George brings her downstairs to the "party".

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I really liked George. I loved his reactions and his caring, loving persona -- very well done there. You've completely captured and developed him to the fullest.

I'm not sure if this is a criticism about the script or about me? If it is about the script, I'm not even sure if it's valid... but, since it was rattling around in my head I want to put it out there.

I have read this story many times and am very familiar with it. If fact, there is a very similar story in another MP contest. Because of this, I was not as moved by this piece as I should have been. I don't think there is a flaw in the writing, nor is it a direct comment on the writing itself, because I find it is solid, sweet and not over-written.

But I think I wanted something else from the story? I am not really sure, and since I have a good idea of who wrote it, we can discuss it later. Again, George was very well written.

Let Mabel have the last word, we already know how George feels. This feels like Sally's work.

William Coleman (Level 5)

This is a touching vignette. Last night I saw Away from Her, and this echoed that fine film in its mood and content. You built slowly, but skillfully to the rejection and then managed a sort of reconciliation. It all evolved naturally and effortlessly. Honest work.

Nice work.

Comments Made After the Contest

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2008 12:01 AM

Congratulations. I knew this was yours.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2008 12:28 AM

Congratulations on winning second place. This was one of my favorite stories this month.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2008 12:31 AM

Way to go, Sally, big month for you. Loved this one. Your writing is superb.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2008 12:48 AM

Wow! I'm so pleased!!! Thank you all for your votes and your input. I will use it in any rewrites. I based this on my father and mother in law's relationship. He lives with us now, but when she finally 'went away'. He visited her every day at the rest home, sang to her, stayed with her, loved her.

Here's to you Karl!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2008 12:55 AM

Wonderful...

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2008 1:44 AM

Congrats Sally. A well deserved place.

Gary Murphy (Level 3) ~ 2/1/2008 1:57 AM

Well done, very very good script. Nice one.

Michael Thede (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2008 3:40 AM

Congratulations, Sally! This was definitely up there in my books this month and I'd love to see more come out of it!

Barbara Lewis (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2008 5:20 AM

Congratulations Sally! Awesome. Actually, just thinking of your script brings a tear to my eye. I'd love it if someone filmed this.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2008 6:32 AM

I'm happy for you, Sally. Big congrats!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2008 9:19 AM

Thanks so much everyone, William, Chris, Charlie, Michael, Gary, Michael T, Barbara and Matias.

I appreciate it so much.

Sally

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2008 11:44 AM

Congratulations Sally!!

I haven't read it yet, but I will try to get to it. It sounds great.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2008 3:58 PM

Congrats Sally. I should have known this one was yours after watching "One Lucky Boy." You and your tearjerkers.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2008 4:08 PM

LOL, Paul!