Comments Made During the Contest

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

This script really stayed with me. It's very haunting. You use language very evocatively. I have very little to offer in the way of criticism, although I did notice one minor formatting irregularity -- your parenthetical statements are showing up next to the dialogue, and they should really be right underneath the character tag on a line of their own, with dialogue beneath. It's a minor quibble, though, on a well-done script.

Alexia Glock (Level 3)

You have wonderful descriptors - startled waves, corrugated forearms. I read this almost as a dream sequence with her imagining a confession she dreaded. The only way I could justify Jonny's cruel reaction to her revelation was if she was imaging the worst case scenario.

If the last bit about Jonny coming up the beach is a replay of the first scene don't use CUT TO. Begin with a new scene. Use the same exact text. And then begin a new paragraph when the new action begins.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

All right, this is one that I might just not really be qualified to comment on - but it won't keep me from trying.

First of all, I find the writing excellent. Love how you cut away to the different little scenes on the beach. I can hear the waves and seagulls and "feel" the scene. Much of the dialogue I find excellent as well, except when Jonny is pressing her about someone cutting her then calls her a name and walks away when she confides in him. Didn't really ring true to me, even if she is imagining it.

Now this is where I might be in over my head, but after a few readings, my impression is that this first encounter was all in her mind - imagining how Jonny would react. If so, then I think it is brilliant, but that there needs to be some sort of "break" between the imagined and the reality - like Jonny walking away and then he is suddenly gone (looks like you might have even done this, but it's not clear to me that this is what was intended). I'm not real good with the "open ended, what really happened" type of stories, but I am coming to appreciate them more and more and I think this probably fits in that category. Honestly, with very little work I'd score this a "5". This is definately one of the better written scripts I've read so far.

Great Job! Best of luck with it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I think you have a beautiful story here, but it needs a little more subtlety. As it is, the dialogue feel a little rushed and "on the nose". Similarly, your descriptions are lovely and poetic, but I think if you choose fewer moments to highlight, they will resonate even more.

Dino Barlaam (Level 3)

To me, there was not much of a story here. More like a part of a bigger scene. Not much going on here other than we know Louisa has issues...She is an interesting character, definitely, but I wanted something to happen other than dialogue and staring at the ocean.
Why did Jonny just leave? Does he not care about this young woman who cuts herself? There were a lot of questions that were not even close to being answered.
No need for CUT TO:
On last page...did time stop when the waves stop mid-flight? How or why did that happen if that's the case?
The writer definitely created the right mood for this piece, but that's about it.

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Far too much lyrical, poetic language in the scene description. This sort of language is fine for a novel or short story, but generally out of place in a script. The formatting is off (a minor point); you don't need the CUT TO with every shot, and the line spacing is too wide. Dialogue is flat, not very engaging, and the characters are pretty 2-dimensional. However... I like the setting a lot. And the situation - the hard personal truth that Louisa is trying to explain - is very compelling. I love the moment when the waves suddenly freeze on page 5. Excellent moment. Worth another draft! Keep at it!

Jenna Gomes (Level 1)

Slow to start, but I like the way the plot gradually thickens.

John P. Dowgin (Level 3)

Lovely descriptions, the dialogue served the story and didn't distract me at all. I was a bit confused by Jonny's reappaearance at the ending, though, and the story left me wanting to know more, MUCH more, about louisa's history, so while the character is well drawn, the stroy could server her better. (Although admittedly that would probably require more pages).

Julie Stewart (Level 3)

I was confused with the ending - the girl who was previously very colourfully dressed (hippy-like)is now dressed in a white blouse with pearl button fastenings. The man who had walked off in one direction - appears to approach from the opposite direction. If there a time-change, or a flash-back, I missed it. Also, Jonny was described at the beginning as a "gentle giant" and "protective" - and later described himself as Lisa's "best mate" - so, his reaction was not in character.
After a second reasding 2 weeks later I still feel that Jonny's reaction was not in character (given how he had been described) - but I did enjoy it more and upgraded my original score.

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3)

The descriptions are great. The cut/To's helped me visualize everything as it was ocurring - but I wasn't really thrilled about what happened. It was almost like - if she was going to imagine telling him her secret - I wanted it to unravel even in her fantasy less "step-by-step" than her just showing him the wounds and having him react that way. If it was a fantasy too about what would happen if she admitted to him her secret - I wonder if he might react differently - that was a very average reaction - the "oh Jesus" not really the reaction someone with a fear of admitting to someone might have. I would try and write it with his reaction at either side of the spectrum - maybe with sheer disgust and then she decides not to tell him. Or maybe he reacts perfectly - and then we know she will tell him. It might give more of a sense of closure at the end.

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

I liked the twist at the end. However, there's too much description for a movie script. It's very novel-like.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

The formatting needs some work on the script. For instance when Jonny is gently teasing her, that should be centered not to the left. Also the characters shouldn't be in bold type. And there is not need at the point of the development of the script to use cut to. Otherwise I thought it was a fairly well written script.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Nice descriptive writing here. You have a few formatting issues. No need to use bold for character names and sluglines. CUT TO is falling out of favour, use a new slugline instead.

Not the most cheerful story I've read here but it's quite powerful subject matter. I liked the imagery, the seagulls, the grey, washed-out beach in contrast with the hippie attire.

The dialogue felt a little like something I'd heard before, a little cliched maybe. Jonny's reaction to seeing the cuts didn't ring true for me. He's described as a gentle giant, he seems like he really cares about Louisa but then he reacts in perhaps the cruelest possible way when he learns that she cuts herself. I wasn't consistent with the character you established.

Other than that, I thought this script was a pretty good effort.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

This is a good start, but I didn't feel like I learned enough about either Louisa or Jonny. Why tell this story?

Nick Sidorovich (Level 3)

Okay, except for the purple prose. It's a screenplay, not a novella. Dialogue a bit on the nose, but some nice emotion.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

My guess is that you normally write prose. Nicely written, but way off as far as screenwriting format goes.

The story was nice too, sad, but nice. I think I would have liked to see some sympathy from Jonny rather than anger.

I think you told an emotional story, but the format brought the vote down. I'm sorry...

Richard Bell (Level 3)

I can't resist - I think the title should have been "Cut to ... Louisa cutting too". I feel sympathy for people afflicted with this problem, as I've known them and seen them on ER and other prime time shows, but for some reason, I couldn't feel anything for Louisa. The description and setting were quite interesting - felt very novel-like - perhaps this was written first in prose style and adapted to screenplay format. The ending was confusing - it hinted that this whole scene was simply a recurring dream (?) or I don't know what. Jonny's reaction to Louisa's cutting issue was a little much and made him a sad character too. Alhtough I applaud the effort, the sum total of two sad characters being sad didn't work for me. I wanted something more to be at risk here. Love the Britishness of the writing - don't mean to be too critical here - I think it just needs a few cuts here and there - sorry just couldn't resist.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Powerful visuals. Love the vocabulary and imagery. I was a little unclear of Jonny's relationship with Louisa but after the second time I read it, it didn't matter. I loved the dialogue and was moved by the tone. This script (of the 7 I have read until this point) sticks with me the most. I would love to see this translated onto film. I think it would be even more powerful as a short film than a script. Overall, great job! After reading and re-reading all of the scripts in the competition I'd place this one second overall.

Tommy Evans (Level 3)

Extremely well written mayby too much description in the beginning, more dialogue but very good, did not expect Johny to react the way he did about Louisa cutting herself. A story is good when things happen that you do not expect that makes this story special.

Tracey Brown (Level 3)

Good characters, good story.

I really like the central idea of her cutting to bring him back to - presumably - their last meeting, but we need to have a clearer understanding of the fact of Jonny's death. How did he die? The sea?

My main crit is that the action is over-descriptive, very prosy ('little startled waves') and includes unfilmables like 'his mind goes into free-fall'. I know we always want to do the latter, but it is kind of frowned on. Also, when something is this prosy, it runs the risk of the reader skipping over something important - the waves stopping dead is the firmest indication that something uncanny is going on here.

Wenonah Wilms (Level 0)

First of all, thank you for entering and putting yourself out there, I know it's tough. Please take my opinion as just that - one person's initial thoughts and reactions, nothing more.

I think the subject matter you tackled is ripe for all kinds of visual and verbal communication between two people and I'd like to see that explored a bit more with something a little less bland/cliche. I didn't really understand the relationship between the characters except that perhaps they are lovers. If that's the case, how could Jonny never know about Louisa's scars and affliction? His reaction "sick bitch" was a surprise to me and maybe a bit heavy handed if he was indeed someone that cares about her, calling himself her "best mate" one minute and then that comment the next seemed out of character. I think the dialog was a bit 'on the nose', so much can be said with subtext. I think a stronger ending would be if he took her knife from her but she still manages to cut herself (or tries desperately) with some of the sharp, shingle sand that you've made into almost an entire character in itself. In all, it's a strong early draft but could turn into something very powerful with maybe just a bit of different dialog and a 'twist' ending. I half expected her to just walk into the surf, or maybe the man crumbles to his knees and reveals his own arm scars - true best mates.

Good luck! and nice job.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

7 "Cut to" and 6 parentheticals in 5 pages makes this story seem very rookie in format. The descriptive writing seems too forced to sound poetic, but I do like the concept of the story--not something you read everyday.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

"Don't touch me you sick bitch" seems out of place for Jonny's character - it threw me. There is a lot of exposition, though I don't know how to rectify that - maybe some voice-overs? The setting is very good, and done well. I didn't need to know what pain she was displacing, but maybe a hint or two, including the Neil remark. I wanted to feel for her more, I guess. The whole sea scene is very well drawn.

Comments Made After the Contest

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 3/1/2007 12:54 AM

Thanks guys for all these comments which are SO useful - you can't imagine. It's fascinating to read people's different takes on a story.

I do need help with the formatting issues.

If someone has the time to help me specifically (I didn't quite understand the descriptions some people gave to put me right) or could recommend a book or something that is rock-solid (there are so many)- I'd be very grateful. All I've done so far is try to copy what I've seen in professional scripts...

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 3/1/2007 11:42 AM

Caroline, I think you did a fabulous job with your script. If I can help at all with questions on formatting in the future, don't hesitate to send me an email or post a question. There are too many books, both good and bad, to single one out but I'll try to help narrow the list if you have some in mind.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2007 12:10 PM

Hey Caroline, just wanted to tell you that I *knew* from the first sentence that this was your script. You have such a unique voice that there really wasn't any question in my mind, anonymous voting notwithstanding. I love the way you write. And I'll second what Rick said -- any questions you have, I'll be happy to answer.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 3/1/2007 4:07 PM

You guys are so great! Thank you so much. I'll certainly take you up on your offers when I can think exactly what it is I need to ask...mind spinning a bit at the moment.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 3/5/2007 8:05 PM

Caroline,

You asked about a book on format. I have so many books, but my favorite and the one I still return to all the time is, "The Screenwriter's Bible" by David Trottier. It is extremely well laid out and easy to use, with lots of practical examples.

Chris

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 3/12/2007 5:50 AM

Thanks so much, I'll look on Amazon! - of course all the help with formatting was too late for the February script so I'm expecting to get the same criticisms on April 1st...bother!