Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

I didn't get this one. For me, there were too many things that just don't jive. What is Dean and Brenda's relationship? Why would Dean care what a homeless man's sign says? Why would he let the man in his car? Why would Dean take him home and feed him? Why does Dean have such intense feelings both positive and negative that seem to turn on a dime? Why would Dean shave his hair (that he is so obviously obsessed with) just because a homeless guy says to? I think if you can flesh these out, you will probably have a good story but it may not be something that can be told in 5 pages.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Ummm....what? :)

Okay so vain professional businessman learns vanity is fruitless. The only problem is, he learns it from a vagrant who he happily invites back to his home on the basis that he held up a sign that really could have been directed at anyone. Now at first this seemed to be going down the same tangent as my entry. I too had a successful businessman hounded by a mysterious vagrant, but the difference is, and pardon me a little conceit, I made sure my characters stayed true to themselves. My character tried to get away and was cornered in a coffee shop by the vagrant. Your character happily invited the vagrant home. And here's why it only gets a fair. Because the script has absolutely no grasp of who the characters are. If Dean is so professional, if Dean is so vain, if dean is so centred on material posessions, is he really going to invite a smelly bum into his nice clean Porsche? Take him back to his nice clean home? Risk the neighbors seeing him with this shabby homeless fellow? Character actions throughout were entirely unnatural. The knife to the throat comes out of the blue. His sudden change of heart comes out of the blue. Agreeing to take him home comes out of the blue. At least they were consistent in their inconsistency, but that's hardly a good thing. Well written in places admittedly, but I think I see a story that suffered greatly with the 5 page constraints.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

Very funny premise. I didn't totally believe the story as it was presented here, but I think you can fix it pretty easily. I didn't believe that he'd let Rudy in his car - more likely that he'd brush him off as a nutcase weirdo. But, you can fix that and keep the supernatural element here by putting Dean's name on the sign.

The other thing was I didn't totally believe his aggressive reaction to the Rudy at the table. You can fix that by just adding to the scene a bit and having Rudy tease/torture him a little while longer.

Great use of the theme this month!

Bob McFarlane (Level 3)

Sorry but this was not the least bit believable in any way, shape, or form. The actions the characters take need to at least seem like they would be possible.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

Maybe it's late, maybe I'm tired, but I have no idea what happened in this script. The guy's a self centered jerk who loves himself. I get that. But why does a homeless man with a sign bother him so much? Why does he drive around the block three times? Why does he agree to take him home, and then suddenly flip and pull out a knife? And then he shaves his head and everyone is happy? Huh? He knows what he needs and what he needs is to shave his head? No one was likable, and by the end I have no idea what the point was.

Brett Manley (Level 2)

I like the idea of the gift being of knowledge or enlightenment, rather than tangible. I also like the unlikely source of coming from someone who appears to have nothing to give.

I found the characters a little confusing, though. Dean appears to have little to no redeeming qualities. His looks are fading as shown by the combover, but he manages to still be overtly vain. A very self-centered person,but lacking in any real charm. And also very hot tempered-so why is Brenda swooning so easily? Is it money? I guessed not power because they are coworkers, and not boss/secretary. Its obvious that he is in dire need for the gift that Rudy offers, but I think his character could benefit from just a little charm.

Rudy seems like he could be a Santa in disguise, making him a really potentially likeable character. A little modification could really make that aspect shine, but he acts like his gift must be bought, in a way. Instead of giving it, or subtly allowing Dean to realize it through charity, he sets up hoops that Dean needs to jump through. Not content with just a meal for dinner, he rudely expects dessert-as if he is trying to milk the situation for everthing its worth. Rather than being a grub, I think he could use more of the contentness that is really the moral of his gift.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The writing is nice and tight, which is good, but I found the story to be a bit unbelievable. I couldn't imagine Dean giving that bum a single look, let alone three and a dinner invitation. None of that seemed to gel with the character created early on. Nice writing, story could use some polish.

Caleb Parazette (Level 3)

Fairly comical. The dialogue needs some work. It's a little uneven. It isn't very believable.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Though well written, I didn't follow this - why would Dean want to shave his head on the say so of Rudy?

"if you feel good, you'll do good" - from the set up early on in the script, Dean already WAS doing good wasn't he?

Sorry - the storyline lost me, althought the characters were well-drawn.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I get Dean's aggravation, that guy aggravated the heck out of me. Guess that's good, to get a reaction like that, but I really felt cheated by the end. After all that aggravation, to have him tell Dean to shave his head was a huge let down.
Writing is good, but story value just wasn't there for me.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was fun.

I wish there was a little more depth to the characters, but the conflict and resolution were great.

Lastly, I think there's probably a better/more clever title for this story.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

I love the idea of a street person holding up signs that cut straight through to the heart and soul (or lack thereof) of some passing SOB. That part was great. But the notion that Dean is a cocky jerk came through very early and then quickly felt over worked. Most of the dialogue exchanges between Dean and Brenda read awkwardly.

Rudy is by far your best drawn character. I liked Rudy. Most of his dialogue and subtext worked and worked well. But when we first see him and he's holding the sign that says "Your Gift Is Ready" (which is a great, great moment) the power and effectiveness of that moment is undercut by Brenda's followup line "It's as if he's talking to you." It's kinda like telling a really good joke and then saying, see, that's funny.

Most of the rest of the script works. Except Dean goes too far over the top, he really needed some more layers, maybe show a tiny bit of his non-jerk side. And while the setup for the ending was first rate (you completely had me hooked) the payoff was a let down. I needed something that cut deeper and resonated longer than "shave your head." There's a lot of highly worthwhile material here, but it needs to be reworked. I also liked Rudy's last line about being home as soon as he steps outside, that was nicely done.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I liked the concept, but I got kind of lost when he went around the block 3 times.

There was also a disconnect for me when he took him home wiht him.

I really thought the writing was clean and concise - just not as convincing or believable as it might have been for me.

Good job and good luck.

George L. Heredia (Level 3)

Good on visuals...but the story has holes. I read it twice...but. How did the 3 people fit in the Porsche? Would have been a great opportunity to see them in the car, struggling to fit. What was the gift? Why does Dean need to shave his head to feel good, when it seems he has everything already? He's the best closer. He runs or owns a business. He has a Porsche, a house, the girl. The conflict could have been heightened more.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

With so many this month they are well written but just lack something. In this case yiu have a homeless guy giving style tips to some rich dude. We don't see if it actually changes his nature, just that it is going to save him time on preening. In these cases you have to clearly show character growth.

James Cheatham (Level 3)

The writing is solid and I see the intent and the possibilities of the story, but there are still some thematic elements that need tweaking.

For example, why doesn't Brenda see what Rudy does in Dean(by the way, I would change Rudy's name - it doesn't quite work. Dean does)? To me, that's the thrust of the story.

If, indeed, this is the answer to Dean's issues, what makes Rudy's eyes more sharp than those around Dean? I would work on strengthening this theme.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

Nice job. I enjoyed the fun references, interesting, sharp characters, and the dialogue. Some of the description left me a bit confused. "Unaware he looked ....." I was not sure of what he was "unaware". I think I needed to know what they were eating for dinner, otherwise the guy eating by "handfuls" (handsful?), didn't turn into a picture for me. I liked the ending, but I don't think the guy deserved the good advice... Nice Work.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Smooth read. Dean seems to have a little BP disorder mixed in with a complex and an O-C prob. An anti-hero. The line - Unaware, he looks up to the house rooftop - seems strange. Overall good.

John Foley (Level 4)

Your ending here left me guessing. I am not sure what you were trying to say. I also thought that dean was too self absorbed to bring Rudy home with him. His actions seemed to go against his character here.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I really liked this. the only real criticism I can offer is maybe it's a little much to have him hold the knife to Rudy's neck. other than that, I thought it was a solid and very fine romp! LOVED the "when I step out I'm home" line!
giving a very good

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I think you've lost me. Dean goes all through that just to be told to shave his head? Also I find it hard to believe that anyone would take a homeless person home. And why was Dean so upset with the sign? Why didn't he just ignore it and drive home? Overall the script didn't make much sense to me.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Very good descriptions here.

Rudy’s entrance scene was quite intriguing and got me hooked. It was a nice start.

I didn’t like Dean’s reaction tough; his behavior seemed somehow unnatural and forced to fit the story’s needs. I find it hard to believe that a guy like Dean would pick up a homeless man in order to invite him for dinner. And then this extreme curiosity escalates into extreme anger; with even a knife threat involved that seemed too much.

The story isn’t bad, but right now it feels like it’s taking your character into a place he wouldn’t go.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Great! I was pleasantly surprised at the ending, gave me a good chuckle, a nice chuckle. The perfect metaphor for many people: 'lighten-up don't take things so seriously'.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

The stakes never seemed high enough in this one. It was a bit far-fetched that Dean would be so enraged by Rudy's sign that he would accost him like he did. As well, there are some examples of strange sentence structure in use here--e.g. "Storming over to be in Rudy's face"--and a few omitted words, too (e.g. "they scramble [to] exit the car"). I was really to hoping to be enlightened by something at the end, but felt the message Rudy had for Dean was a big let down. Nevertheless, I'm scoring you a GOOD for this.

Paul Young (Level 3)

This one was a refreshing change from the last three I've read that had little or no conflict whatsoever in them. All the characters where likable in their own unique way. Vanity is a killer. Valid simple point in the end. Tough to believe he'd actually pick the bum up but well done overall.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I really enjoyed your writing. Thought it was good spec style, but entertaining to read as well.

Story wise, it was pretty good, but not exactly gold either. I guess I wanted it to be a tad deeper or meaningful.

Brenda didn't really add too much. I would have liked to see her character be a little more important to the story.

I'm sorry this is such a crummy review. I've suffered some catastrophic pc problems today that made me have to rewrite my script in about an hour and redo some reviews too. This is New Years Eve...

My apologies...

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

This one breezed along merrily enough but I never felt engaged with the characters. Dean and Brenda's dialogue was too on the nose and I didn't buy the fact that Dean would circle the block three times then approach Rudy about the sign. It just didn't connect with me. Maybe if Dean talks more about appearance than success in the beginning. Maybe if he equates how he looks with how successful he is rather than how much money he has it would work better. Also, the stereotypical Brenda just drags things down. Either make her more original or have her be the motivation for Dean. Maybe she's the only one in the office who resists his charms and he doesn't know why --turns out, it's his appearance. Something like that.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Nice story. Liked the arrogant character. Seemed a little far fetched with him taking a knife to the guy's neck, but there's something I liked about the story.

The character came around- he shaved his head. But did he change? I guess he did- he offered him a ride home.

good title too.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I was a bit confused by the story, and why Rudy really bugged Dean so much. I mean, would he even care what Rudy had on his placard? I'm going to read this again and see if I can get more out of it.

Good writing style and dialogue.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Beautiful story. Rudy did know what dean needed. There was conflict and a flaw or two. Loved it.

Some confusion around who was really bald. You have this peice of description, "Rudy reaches up and takes off his wool cap revealing a sparkling bald head." My question, did Rudy take off his own cap or Dean's cap? For me it was confusing.

Again, I love a story that ends with a solid peice of dialogue like this, "Nah, as soon as I step out, I am
home. Merry Christmas."

Two thumbs up!

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I'm not sure I understand the message in this story. Rudy basically told Dean that if he looks good he'll feel good and do good. From what I read in the story, Dean seems to feel good about himself and he's successful. I didn't feel or sence that Dean felt insecure about his balding scalp. I'm also not sure why he was so mad at Rudy and why he was so intrigued in the sign. I would think some rich arrogant snob would blow him off. Maybe I missed something. Overall, the writing was nice and the descriptions were written well.

Steve Hanson (Level 2)

Your final line was very amusing. Made me laugh.

I would have liked to see Dean fidget more with his appearance in the second half. Not as much as in the first half, but have him do something small like look at his reflection in his spoon.... just once to keep that appearance thing going.

I loved your very colorful writing. Phrases like "cold wind around a dirty parka." and "Rubber burns around the block." are much more interesting to read than "Dean accelerates quickly".

I loved it when Dean ripped the sign and threw it on the floor. It was a real character-revealing moment.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Very good. Totally unexpected yet very natural and realistic. Dean lived and breathed for me, and being in sales I know that guy! I also agree, for male pattern baldness, shaving your head is the way to go.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

No doubt that Trumpian comb overs are the source of all evil, which you nicely outline in this short...Nice job of setting up Brenda and Dean as corporate tools, and Rudy was a nice contrast to them...

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

They way you introduced Dean into the story makes me think that he is a guy who would not allow Rudy to lead him. The only way that works is if Rudy is Santa, which would explain Dean being drawn or transfixed.

If Rudy is Santa Claus, there needs to be a few more subtle hints dropped -- the beard and him looking to the rooftop are not enough (maybe this is me reading too much into the script).

I do like the gift of him getting rid of his combover

William Coleman (Level 5)

I liked the simplicity of this, its slight indirection and ability to tease me along. Almost a Scrooge, but not quite, a look into a character and then you wind it up.

The dialog is natural, the story line direct and suspenseful. You did well. Maybe a little more invention, a little more tease, but it's there now.

Comments Made After the Contest