Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

It's a good, fun screenplay. For the most part well-written. Your short descriptive sentences keep it moving along while providing necessary information. I like that. Good job! You have typos that need to be fixed. On a formatting note: The screenplay should start with "FADE IN". Also, if it can't be seen or heard, it really shouldn't be in the screenplay. How do we know it's Chuck's first and last time wearing a tux? Does it matter to the story? Why do we care how old Aunt Lucy is? It makes no difference to the story.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I really want to learn more about the couple. I feel like we didn't ever quite get to a close up of them, if that makes any sense. I have an idea of who they are, but only at a distance. What makes these two tick?

I liked the last lines. I have a hard time buying that the ceremony would go on while they were having this chat at the alter, though. Could they do this during the reception? I don't think it would change the punchline.

The dialog feels close, but a little stiff right now. I'd take another pass at to see if you can imply more about the characters & make it sound a little more natural.

I think you wrote Chuck into the sister's flight into the bathroom instead of her boyfriend.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

This is a cute story and good use of the prop. I felt like the family scene at Christmas was maybe a little slapstick - it kept me from really feeling for these characters. But the part about the sister is really funny! I like that he never formally asked her.

Bob McFarlane (Level 3)

I went with very good because of the story itself. I liked how the actual asking got lost in the excitement, confusion, etc. so he finally made sure that he asked, but during the ceremony. I liked that you had various reactions to the ring as well. I teetered on Good, quite honestly, because of typos. Maybe I'm being too picky but they throw me out of the flow of the story.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was very well done. Good writing, good flow to it, good story, good dialogue. If there's anything wrong with this one, I couldn't tell ya what it is. Great job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Before I even start - like the title!

And now I've finished - I loved the script. A bit like 'Meet The Fockers' -pacey, funny, lively - really gave me a lift and I'd love to see it on screen.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Very cute. Nicely written.
Great anticipation, couldn't imagine what he was going to ask her at the altar.
Found the engagement thing a bit tedious what with the mother dragging her away, the sister's antics, etc. Just a tad over the top.
Otherwise think you did a very good job with this.
The title is very engaging, well done.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was excellent. Extremely well written.

I love the flashback. The characters are wonderful and the dialogue is great.

Perfect ending.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Nicely done. Julie and Chuck really come through as characters and you get a great sense of their smart alecky sense of humor and why they're meant for one another. Not a lot to say about this one 'cause it works from beginning to end and is ready for a producer or a director to put it in to pre-production. The bit w/the tool box could MAYBE be trimmed back a bit. I gave you an excellent.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Parts of this I really liked. I got a little confused on names and who was who but a second read helped.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I really enjoyed this story. I loved how you ended it with him finally asking the question.

The writing was clear and concise.

Good luck.

George L. Heredia (Level 3)

Nice read. The story is well crafted and clever ending, albeit a few moments that did not ring true. Otherwise like I said it was a nice story.

Let me know more about why it's a low budget wedding. Fake flowers? Small room instead of a chapel? Then again you said church...maybe something else to describe it. Just a thought. Many descriptions read more like a novel/short story than a screenplay. Too much of what the character is feeling. Too in their heads.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

Nice, I could certainly picture the scenes well, especially the around the tool box, it a really nice dynamic.
But there no real surprises, it just sorts of trots along at the same pace without giving us much in the way if new information. The story is very simply they are getting married - how they got engaged - getting married. You kind iof expect her to pull a similar trick on him.
The other concern is the character "sis" it is hard to care about someone you didn't care enough about to give a name, you could have just cut her out and the script would be no different. But good job you romantic you.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

Great title, and great execution of an elegantly simple idea. What a family and how much fun for the actors!

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Nice title chiasmus, and madcap romp. Easy breezy reading with typos (you/your of/off) and missing periods. Not a biggy - more to character play out. Fun.

John Foley (Level 4)

The flashback here was an intersting break to the wedding ceremony.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I love the fact that Chuck eventually actually got to ask Julie to marry him, even though it was at the alter. I thought it was great the way you captured the rest of the family. Mom phoning the aunt, Dad grabbing the camcorder and wanting them to do it over again. And even her sister's reaction. Just one thing I don't know if Dad would be using the camcorder at the ceramoney. Wouldn't they hire someone else to film the wedding?

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

There are some amusing moments in here. Like dad telling Chuck to “do that again” in order to film it.

This script’s structure is almost identical to a joke’s structure. It’s a bit more complex (since it has a flashback) but it’s esentially a set-up which establishes the neccesary context to make Chuck’s proposal both logical and funny.

Nothing wrong with the structure per se, but the script felt a little thin on story. The scenes written, while well written, do not establish a main conflict and escalate it towards a satisfying conclusion. They’re only there to give some sense to the final punchline.

Conflict usually involves a character with a problem and the story usually revolves about the character’s attempts to solve said problem. This also applies to comedies; without a central conflict they story would seem like a random collection of funny events.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Cute little romantic comedy. It was well written but I thought the premise was a bit silly. Of course she was going to marry him, I hardly think he was going to be burning to ask that question at the altar.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

Overall this was great. However, I did notice parenthesis were used on several occassions in some of the action lines. The story was FANTASTIC. It kept my curiosity peaked til the end.

Paul Young (Level 3)

This one was cute- another happy family christmas special. Would be easy enough to produce, but might be tough to challenge for the absolute best story this month.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This was kind of cute and I liked it. Very Good!

At first I thought Chuck seemed like a jerk, but everything came together in the end and I liked how Chuck never got the chance to properly ask her and ended up doing it on their wedding.

Really good.

Pia

Ralph Shorter (Level 3)

The story of Julie and Chuck is enchanting.
Loved how there was a gift for her and he manipulated the moment for her to find HER gift, the diamond ring.
Great characters, good dialogue, believable reaction from Sis. And a great punch line saved for the ending, Julie’s playful reply to Chuck, was a particularly nice touch.
Look forward to seeing more of your work.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

The end of the story was a little confusing. Sis and Max are sitting together, then Chuck asks Julie to marry him. Should that be Max asking Sis?

The Dad sounded a little too excited. His daughter was proposed to, but I don't see any male saying "we need to do this over".

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Awww I loved this. Great writing, great images, and wonderfully fun story with a great happy ending. I think this one is a winner, totally ingenious!

Loved the whole Christmas scene, that was truly hilarious and so dang true to life. Great fun.

Well done. If this doesn't place, I'm not going to be happy!

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

This was a cute story. I think you shoud've given Julie's sister a name throughout the script, her mom says the name Nicole. Other than that, it was a nice script.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Cute. I'm not a big fan of flashbacks, but this was a fun story. The characters were believable.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Tightly written, cute story with a good amount of comedy and action...Loved the Dad with the camcorder shouting Have to do it again! Liked the jealous rage between Sis and Max...great job capturing the madness of that moment, then tying it together in a nice little bow at the end. Can't blame Aunt Lucy for wanting to stay here in Fla, though (12/15...80 degrees and sunny!)

Terence Ang (Level 3)

The build-up was good and the relationship was well described through visuals. While the story was pretty much focused on Chuck's proposal coming through, the sister and fiance sub-plot helped keep the tension going. The ending felt a little hanging I guess because I was hoping for a more dramatic twist instead of a loose-end tie-up to the proposal.

Vitomar Souza (Level 0)

This is just plain awesome!!! Ten Stars...

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Enjoyable script -- well written, a little over-the-top comedywise (Sis and non-ring), but very well done.

Chuck and Julie whispering at the beginning seemed odd and unreal, especially if they were standing near the preacher, but it didn't detract from the script.

I liked the father wanting to re-create the moment.

William Coleman (Level 5)

This is a gentle, human piece. I liked the lead into the flashback. That created a frame and stimulated my interest in what Chuck was going to tell Julie.

I found the middle section less well done and not as well realized. Part of this may have been because you were making an effort for us not to guess what Chuck was going to say.

The return to the present had its pay-off. I did not anticipate what he was going tom say, but it was natural and witty. I just think the writing in the middle could have been a little better.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 1/1/2008 12:19 AM

I'm not at all surprised this script was from you. I am such a fan of your writing and this was no exception. I know you are going to break into the top three very soon.

Rob Gross (Level 4) ~ 1/1/2008 12:52 AM

Kirk, great script...the voting looked pretty good...I agree with Chris, you will be top three soon.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 1/2/2008 8:42 AM

Great job, Kirk. IMHO you are one of the top writers on this site and I hold both your writing and comments in high regard. Don't know how serious you are about doing something with mine from this month, but am all for it. Either way thanks for your review, been waiting for the day I got an Excellent from you.